General chatter - Do you lower your standards because youre fat????




staciec878
08-06-2007, 10:05 PM
First of all, I dont even think I should have standards because I dont even know what that means. And I dont think Im entilled (sp?) to any.

But theres 2 guys that I like. One is very handsome, everything I could want and more. Couldnt ask for anything else. Then theres the other one, Who Ive know since I was 9. Not very handsome, but likes me for who I am, and everything that comes with me. My favorite quote from Will and Grace. "Because this crazy is all real." But he like me for what I am now. The other one already told me what about a year ago what I could be if I lose weight. Im more attractited to him, but this other guy thinks im perfect. I think ilower my standards if I want to be with this other guy, I dont know what to do? Im not sure who would make me happy.


islandgrl
08-06-2007, 10:24 PM
Personally, I think you would be lowering your standards if you chose the one who, "told me what I could be if I lose weight" Who does he think he is?
The other one that loves you for who you are sounds like a winner to me, someone who is confident enough in himself that he does not just see a woman for her looks.
Sometimes we have a tendency to want what we cannot have, or lust after what we think we cannot have and ignore what we have. But if no chemistry between you and the nice guy, keep looking. But I would get rid of the guy who
thinks he would be lowering HIS standards by being with you unless you lose weight.
There are too many nice guys out there so why waste your time worrying about this guy who doesn't want you the way you are now?
Good luck in whatever you chose.

moxiesd
08-06-2007, 10:29 PM
You must be awfully young!!! So do you Marry Mr. Nice and pine for Mr. Slick, or do you Marry Mr. Slick and be miserable??????

As soon as you think you have to change for someone to appreciate you, you are setting yourself up for tragedy beyond belief. As soon as you learn how to love yourself, you will see that you don't need to change in order to be loved. You do not need "to qualify" in order to be loved and appreciated.

My advice is DO NOT give Mr. Slick the time of day, he isn't worth you.

(Think what kind of power that gives him to be able to dictate the terms of his attachment.......everytime he is unhappy, displeased, or simply out of sorts, guess WHO gets the fall out. )


nelie
08-06-2007, 10:50 PM
Uhh yeah, I'd tell mr "what you could be if you lost weight" to go to ****...

Do you lower your standards because you are overweight, the answer is no. I think though you may need to look at your standards if they include someone who thinks that you need to change your appearance in order to be acceptable to them.

aphil
08-06-2007, 11:04 PM
I have been with my husband for 10 years, and our 8th anniversary is coming up. I'll tell you what I have learned. :D

When I was single, I have dated some very, very handsome men in the past. I have dated some men who were spectacular dressers, or had great cars, or anything that would make them seem cool/hip/sexy/handsome.

Know what? I married the man instead who is funny, a hard worker, and who loves me thin/fat/young/old/with my hair sticking up/makeup running/no makeup/throwing up sick with the stomach flu/angry and PMSing/etc. and still thinks I am perfect. :)

That isn't lowering your standards, or settling. It is actually choosing the BEST man. Do you want people to judge you by how you look, or by what is on the inside? If you choose a man because he is "sexy", and throw away the perfect man, then you are throwing away a gem!

Good looks don't matter if you are a jerk. Good looks don't matter when you are throwing up sick, or when you are pregnant and big as a house, and good looks don't matter when you are both 80 years old-because looks FADE-jerk is forever! :lol:

I'm completely serious-marrying for looks doesn't do anyone any good, either way.

What happens if you marry the sexy guy after losing weight, and then gain it back with a pregnancy, or medical issue? You don't want someone who only wants you young/thin/etc. You want someone who wants you for YOU.

Picking the man who treats you, and thinks of you as a queen is actually upping your standards-not lowering them. :)

Rhighlan86
08-06-2007, 11:23 PM
I agree completely with aphil. I was with some guys that at the time I thought were so awesome they were gorgeous and amazing, but I was always a little self conscious because I thought I should look better, but the person that I love with all my heart is the guy that loves me for me. Today I posted that he told me he loved my pudgy tummy and kissed it. He is the guy that makes me feel completely comfortable and safe and loved. I wouldnt trade him for anyone. My guess is that that perfect guy isn't as perfect as he seems, especially since he would like you a year from now. My advice, give the other guy a chance. Go on a date, completely open minded to him and see what happens. Cause do you really want to be with someone who doesnt love you inside and out now? :hug:

NotTheCheat
08-07-2007, 12:02 AM
There's also the option of not dating either of them. . .

I agree with the others that dating someone who doesn't love you for who you are is a bad idea. However, you shouldn't date someone just because they like you - it is also REALLY important that you really like them back. If you don't, then you have a great friend but you should keep looking.

elmuyloco5
08-07-2007, 01:00 AM
X

kaplods
08-07-2007, 01:22 AM
Of course you're entitled to "standards," just be sure your standards are the right ones.

I've been heavy nearly all of my life, and I didn't date alot because my standards were extremely high. Good looks, high income, great car, impressive job, expensive home, NONE of these appeared anywhere on my list.

What I wanted - a man who was respective of others (including me), understanding, able to accept and love me in all circumstances and sizes, values my opinion, great sense of humor, loyalty, patient, kind, creative, with integrity, able to hold an interesting conversation, Christian beliefs and values.

It took me 35 years to find him, and I don't mind at all that I stuck to my guns, and held out for who I wanted. My husband still doesn't quite understand why I chose him (when we met I was making more money and hade my master's degree, while he only had 1 semester of college), but it was simple he had everything on my list. So he didn't have amazing looks and rock hard abs, a fancy car, house, job, or degree --- it wasn't what I was looking for.

Please learn to love, value and respect yourself, and expect to find the same in the men you date, it will be the greatest gift you've ever received.

broken wings
08-07-2007, 01:39 AM
My thoughts on this is that your idea of the perfect man is far from perfect if you think it's alright for him to see you has having so much more potential if you were slimmer. I mean are you happy with you? If so you shouldn't change for any man. I mean if you're not happy with your current weight that's okay because most of us here aren't, but you should change that because you want to not because some guy would find you more attractive if you lost weight. How old are you? Because as one person said you must be pretty young to think this way. The best guys are not always the most handsome guys. I've learned that. Most of them are jerk offs. This guy to me seems to be one of those guys because of what he has said to you. I really think you should give the other guy a chance, he seems like the real catch to me. Because for some it takes years apon years to find that guy who really loves you for you no matter what.

What if you lose this weight? Who's to say you will always maintain that weight. Do you want to wake up one day with this man and he tells you how ugly you're and how fat you're?

Really give this other guy a chance. Don't judge him based off only his appreance there is so much more to a person! You need to learn that.

trekkiegirl
08-07-2007, 01:55 AM
Im not sure who would make me happy.

Neither one will make you happy if you can't make yourself happy. I mean, you actually said you don't think you're entitled to standards...I'm presuming because of your weight you feel this way? The "hot" guy won't make you happy because you will probably always wonder if your looks or body alter, will his attitude alter as well? The "nice" guy won't make you happy if you are trying to talk yourself into feelings that you don't really have but you choose him because he's safe and secure and won't make you feel worse about yourself. Not to mention, how do you think he would feel if he figured out that you consider him a lower standard, and that you're basing that standard on his appearance? I'm not knocking you for thinking that, just saying if he realized it down the line, that's a pretty hurtful thing. Actually, isn't that basically what "hot" guy said to you...that you're not good enough for him as you are now, that, in effect, he'd be lowering his standards to be with you now?
Don't base your happiness, or your weight loss efforts...heck, don't change anything about yourself in order to please anyone but yourself. And think about what your standards really are. If you want a hot looking guy who's essentially insulted you already over a homely guy with a nice personality, I'm not saying that's wrong...I'm saying to just be aware of the kind of person you are dealing with and not just the stuff that makes you feel good. It's like Maya Angelou said, "When people show you who they are, believe them - the first time."

maalisse
08-07-2007, 06:45 AM
Best advice I was ever given: if you find yourself struggling to choose between two people, then you shouldn't be with either of them.

Following this advice has brought me nothing but long-term happiness, and has steered me clear of some messy situations.

lizziness
08-07-2007, 12:29 PM
I can honestly say that there has come a time in my life when I have questioned - did I just settle? Did I lower- or even HAVE standards? I do think that my self-esteem rather than my being overweight (for many those two are very much linked) was the culprit.

I will say that being with someone just because they love you isn't going to be enough. And being with someone who encourages or inspires you to better yourself FOR HIM isn't going to be enough either.

They say in the end, you'll know. If that is true then I personally have a long way to go, but hopefully it is true.

NightengaleShane
08-10-2007, 09:24 AM
If the less attractive guy likes you for who you are and you like him for who he is and could potentially find him attractive, it's not lowering your standards... if he would make you happier, go for it. If you're not physically attracted to him at all, then don't.

Like Velveteen said, there is also the option of dating neither... ;)

I never have lowered my standards due to being fat, but the thing is... I GOT fat while BEING in a 2 year relationship that started while I was THIN (115-125 pounds). Still, I'm fatter than I'd like to be (I think I am just a little chunky right now), and I have the same physical standards that I had when I was thin - why settle for any less than what you are attracted to? Sure, personality can make someone more appealing, but if they aren't physically attractive at all to begin with, then a great personality, in my opinion, just makes them a good friend. I'm more physically shallow than most, but I can't help it - I've dated nothing but gorgeous people and that's most likely not going to change because the insane attraction is always what gets me... :lol: - just being honest!

sockmonkey70
08-10-2007, 04:14 PM
I think I am the exact opposite of you Shane LOL. I always end up being attracted to a guys personality and crushing on him whether I think he is physically hot or not.

4myloves
08-10-2007, 05:07 PM
One is very handsome, everything I could want and more. Couldnt ask for anything else. Then theres the other one, Who Ive know since I was 9. Not very handsome, but likes me for who I am, and everything that comes with me.

You are obviously judging them based on their looks. Turn about is fair play.

Maybe you should work on your standards.