So I recently posted about a very embarrassing subject: my husband looking a porn.
He confirmed it. I wasn't just crazy.
Now I am so completely confused. This happened about a year ago, also. I told him from the beginning of our relationship...before we even started dating...that I was not against porn, but I don't think it has a place in a relationship. That once you start dating, it shouldn't continue. Maybe I am crazy, but I am not, but that is my personal feeling toward it and I can't change who I am. He agreed, said he used to look at it, but did not anymore. I caught him after about a year. We got through it, he said it wasn't an all the time thing, and that he understood my feelings. He said it was done and over with. Now I find he is doing it again.
The fact that he has lied to me hurts so badly, I don't even know where to begin. I am sitting here bawling, and the pain just won't go away. I trusted him, I told him everything, and he lied to me AGAIN. I don't know what to do. I can't change who I am, or how I feel about it. I don't think I should have to. I was up front and honest from the get go. He is the one who hid how he felt. Now what am I supposed to do??? How can I get through this again?
08-05-2007, 08:50 AM
I think you need to tell your husband how you feel. The fact that you are hurt and that you feel betrayed.
Personally, R rated movies can make me feel uncomfortable, I don't really want to see people naked or even pretending to be doing something sexual on tv. I think it is because I get a feeling of invading someone's personal "moments" by seeing them naked and/or engaging in quasi sexual activities. I couldn't imagine how I'd feel if I saw something actually pornographic.
Everyone has their own level of comfort though and I think you need to work this out with your husband.
08-05-2007, 09:44 AM
This is far too complicated to be sorted out here. You've told your husband how you feel, and that you're not willing to change (the fact is that either of you could change, or at least try to. Porn can be as much of a compulsion as drugs, shopping or food. I don't know if he tried to change and couldn't, and hid it from you because he was ashamed, or whether he didn't care about your feelings at all, and just decided to do what he wanted regardless of your feelings, or if the truth is somewhere in between).
You have two choices. Leave him or try to work it out. If this is something that you truly believe cannot be forgiven or worked out, there's your answer.
If you feel the marriage is worth saving, then again, I recommend counseling. A counselor may be able to get your husband to face what he may not be able to admit to you or even himself.
08-05-2007, 10:10 AM
The problem here is the lying , that is why you are so hurt. Porn can be disgusting and repulsive, etc, but when the person that you love and trust lies to you , that is extremely difficult to deal with.I suggest that you have a long talk with him as lying can destroy trust.Tell him exactly how betrayed and hurt you feel. Counseling may be the way that you can work this out. Good luck.
08-05-2007, 02:53 PM
i am so sorry to hear about this problem between you and your husband. although i am not married, i have a boyfriend of 8 years and we did go through this at one point.
i am not niave to the fact that its 'normal' for people to glance at others and take note if they are attractive or not. however, i don't find it acceptable in a relationship that i'm in, for the someone to search out something (porn) to get sexual pleasure, instead of sharing that intiment moment with their partner.
i was lucky that my partner and i were able to work through it - although it was rough. i tried to stress to him that i viewed it as not only taking the time to look for something that turns him on (other than me), but that he had continued to do it after he knew how much it hurt me, as if that act was more important to him than everything we had in our relationship and my feelings. i told him that if he had wanted me to stop doing something because it hurt his feelings so bad, i would in a heartbeat, because i wouldn't want to hurt him.
it finally got worked out, and he no longer looks at porn. however, if he wouldn't have agreed, i wouldn't be with him. i wouldn't be able to stay with someone who could clearly disregard my strong feelings towards this, just so they could have a 'wild night' alone.
08-05-2007, 03:23 PM
While I'm not against porn or my husband looking at it ... I am very against lying. That would be a huge deal breaker for me. Maybe it's time for some family counseling to try and work out both of your feelings on this. On the one hand, I can see where he would feel pressured to just lie to you about it, on the other hand I can see where this is entirely unacceptable to you (as it would be to me). Perhaps getting someone in there to listen and suggest ways to get past it might be helpful.
08-05-2007, 04:30 PM
At least it is only porn and you didn't catch him cheating with a real woman. He shouldn't be lying to you but it could be worse!
08-05-2007, 04:54 PM
I am not trying to be insensitive here...But guys are guys. They look at porn.
Atleast when you confronted him about it he didn't lie to you about it still. He could have just said "No honey, I don't look at porn" and let you think you are crazy.
I know you are uncomfortable with it...But is it really worth leaving him over? It's not like he (this is total assumption) beats you or physically abuses you, or cheats on you..etc etc.
Does he seem to love you any less because he watches porn? Does he seem to find you any less attractive? Exactly what issues do you have with the porn, other than the trust issues, if I may ask?
Once again, not trying to be insensitive, just trying to figure it out.
08-05-2007, 07:22 PM
I guess I just feel like he is going outside of us for gratification. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with porn. I just don't think it has a place in a relationship. I think that mind, body, and soul mean just that. And looking at another person, or people, feels like inviting them into the bedroom. I think that our sexual relationship should be between us. I may be a little too blunt here... But I know masturbation is healthy, normal. It is not that I have a problem with. I just don't think it is right to go outside of our relationship to achieve that. Again, probably too much info here... But I am quite a sexual person. I like sex. I like trying new things. I am open to just about everything. So if he has something he wants, I would want him to come to me...not download some video instead. It just feels like a violation of us. Just as he wouldn't feel comfortable with me wanting another person to join in, I don't feel comfortable with him inviting a another person, or couple, into his sexual mind. It is a place we should be, and no one else. Like I said, that's just me. But I can't change who I am or how I feel about this.
And also, we talked a lot today. I am hoping things are worked out. He knows exactly how I feel, and exactly what I am (and am not) comfortable with. He also knows that stepping over that boundary again is unacceptable to me, and I can't do this again. I still think that counseling would be helpful, because there is going to be a trust issue now. But that is just where we're at today. Who knows what tomorrow will be like.
08-05-2007, 08:16 PM
I do think counseling would be good for you guys. Sometimes it is really hard when one person in the relationship has different ideals than the other. (for instance I am a Democrat and my fiance is Rebumblecan lol)
I wish for the best for you guys!
Diana the Hun
08-06-2007, 07:32 AM
For what it's worth, WinterStarzz, I feel the same way as you. I believe that porn, and the whole "raunch culture" is far too accepted in society. I also believe that the use of porn is an expression of sexuality, or in a way, a sexual act.
When you're half of a couple, and the other half decides to take part in a sexual act you already said you were against, that's a complete disrespect of your wishes, and can feel like a huge betrayal, not to mention how it affects your own self image, and role within the relationship.
I find it really quite sexist that women overwhelmingly appear to believe that men are "wired" to be into porn, and that it's beyond a man's control as to his use of it, and any other sexual stimuli. Men in Western culture are CONDITIONED to be at the mercy of a naked woman, but not all men end up that way, just like not all women find porn repulsive. In fact, some of us even masturbate - who knew?? :o Human sexuality is incredibly complicated and I think it's sad we've reduced it to "men have to have it any way they can, and we just have to get over it".
We all reserve the right to define our own morals as individuals (and I'm not referring to illegal or exploitative activities), and if one of your conditions is "no porn", that's your prerogative. However, if your partner's is "porn is fine", then it's up to the both of you to weigh up what you want to do about that. If you feel that you'd rather work on accepting his use of porn, to save your own sanity as well as your relationship, then go for it. If you feel it's not something you're willing to accept, then... He too can have a think about how important it is to respect his partner, or is it more important that he has porn? Know what I mean? Sorry, it's a rant!! Good luck to you both, I know it's so painful.
08-06-2007, 04:33 PM
The way I see it is this is something he likely did for many years before he ever even knew you existed. So it's unlikely he's going to change that just because you have a problem with it. So it comes down to he needed to say that to you and work with you on the issue. Instead, he chose to hide it and lie about it, and I think it's THAT issue that got you most angry. If you can't deal with him and porn though because you think it should be something between the two of you, perhaps the TWO of you could share in the porn, so you feel a part of it with him. Maybe not. But you and he have to discuss this in depth and find a way that both of you will be comfortable with it.
08-07-2007, 05:12 PM
No matter what your view of porn is, the bottom line here is that he told her he would stop, then kept on doing it and kept it hidden. THAT's the real issue.
IMO, the only way to resolve something like this is with professional help.