General chatter - Childless by choice-advice pls.




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Optical Goddess
08-03-2007, 11:36 PM
I know this is wayyyy of OT of any kind, but I'd like some advice. I am 28..be 29 in a few days. I'm happily married, and I'm a happy person.

We don't have kids. I'm not sure if I want kids. I don't feel that maternal sense and my biological clock doesn't tick.

Even though I"m ok with this, so many people I don't even know lecture me about how it's horrible and selfish of us not to have children.

I don't feel I should have to explain-- or defend myself to people who don't know me and only want to judge me....

Anyone else have similar experiences?

I'm just feeling a bit down about it, since I've had so many run ins with people who want to 'convert' me, even telling me that I should have kids and then my mind will change. Yeah...that's a real good reason to have children..

Thanks so much for letting me vent!


aliceINonederland
08-03-2007, 11:52 PM
I can completely relate to everything you said! I am also going to be 29 in a few days, have been married for 4 years, and have no children. People are always bugging me about it. They always ask how long we have been married, and when they find out we have no children, they start the lecturing. I've learned to just ignore them. They want to "convert" me too...having children for the sake of having them is just ridiculous!

kaplods
08-03-2007, 11:54 PM
Yeah, I think this is one of those topics that you get to say "Mind your own darn business, we don't have to defend ourselves to you."

My mom was putting a lot of pressure on my husband and I to have kids, even though we're not in the best of health. One day we were teasing each other (very sick joke) about getting pregnant and because of all of the medications we're on, having our "squid baby," Otis (named after the elevator).

OMG, my Mom was so ANGRY we were joking about such a thing that she nearly popped a lung. Funny, though she has never brought up the subject of our having kids again.


Robin41
08-04-2007, 12:07 AM
I'm 42, married with no kids. Probably would have had one if we'd married younger but my husband is older and doesn't want to be 75 with a kid in high school. Seemed pretty reasonable to us but to nobody else apparently.

I've actually had people tell me I should have had them so that I wouldn't be lonely in my old age. Now that's a great reason to procreate; so somebody can take me to the grocery store when I'm old.

I've actually asked people how they could possibly think this is any of their business. It shuts them up pretty quickly; nobody likes being called on their rude behavior.

lizziness
08-04-2007, 12:08 AM
No advice - just another sympathizer - just turned 27 & married for 5 years now. It's so annoying...

months after we met we were being asked when we are getting married -the moment that happened it was when are you having babies!? The answer is - MYOB!!

I always want to retort... "So, the next major step in your life is death... when do you plan on doing that?!" but of course... I don't want to be rude. :D

You are not alone! Perhaps a lecture to them on why it is socially irresponsible to have TOO MANY children would do the trick? Although when it comes to breeders that are that pushy I somehow doubt it.

Ethereal
08-04-2007, 12:33 AM
It's a pretty sensitive situation, in my mind. There are a lot of couples out there who are financially stable, responsible, wonderful people who would be amazing parents, but who are unable (my brother and sister-in-law are great examples). Some have spent TENS of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments and other attempts to have children, and been ripped off more times than should be legal trying to adopt a newborn (the mothers in these situations have "better rights" than the would-be-adoptive parents).

For people like that, and people who sympathize with those families, it can actually seem a little painful and frustrating that other couples don't even bother. From a certain standpoint it CAN seem selfish and antagonistic, even though you obviously would never mean it that way. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to convince these people to come around, you know?

I guess you aren't required to explain yourselves to people who shove their noses into your business unasked-for, but just keep in mind there may be a painful reason behind their badgering. Not appropriate behavior, but sometimes understandable, I guess. :)

EDIT: For reference, I haven't wanted kids my entire life (I'm too selfish, genuinely, and also think I am too scatterbrained and mean and would make a HORRIBLE parent). My BF feels differently and with him I think maybe I could do it, but I'm still not anywhere near convinced! So I feel ya there. :)

Dr Geri
08-04-2007, 12:43 AM
Great to meet some fellow Childfree by Choice folks on TFC! Optical Goddess, that's one piece of advice I would give you: if you want to plug into online communities of your nulliparous fellows, search the web for "childfree" rather than "childless." The Frequently Asked Questions page of the usenet group alt.support.childfree includes some hilarious responses to those rude accusations of selfishness, ranging from politely deflecting the question to bawdy snarkiness. You will find in the CFC community, as in all other groups of human beings, a range of positions from the moderate "I respect others' choice to reproduce as long as they respect my choice not to" to the fire-breathing "down with all breeders and sproggen" types. Find your place along this continuum, and enjoy the support of others who have made the same childfree choice that was right for you.

Geri :wave:

elmuyloco5
08-04-2007, 01:16 AM
X

sockmonkey70
08-04-2007, 01:57 AM
I understand what you mean. I can't imagine having children either...I am selfish and irresponsible LOL (this coming from the girl who works in a nursery with kids age 0-4 every week hehe)...MAYBE I will adopt an older child one day, but when I tell people that I am interested in adopting they make me feel like some kind of freak "Don't you want to have a child of your OWN?"..Ummmm...an adopted child would be mine LOL. I figure there are enough unwanted children in the world..So I would love to adopt one day if those maternal instincts ever kick in.

kaplods
08-04-2007, 02:10 AM
Mary,

The adoption topic is a personal one for me, as I was an adopted child. My aunt actually told my parents that they shouldn't adopt because they wouldn't know what they were getting. My dad shut her up quickly, with a straightfaced reply of "I assume it's going to be a baby."

sockmonkey70
08-04-2007, 02:21 AM
LOL You don't know what you're getting when you actually concieve the child yourself either! (that's what I would have told her, but I like your dad's reply alot too LOL) I really would like to adopt an older child because they have such a small chance of being adopted at all..I know they are more likely to have emotional issues that need to be dealt with...but who doesn't?

acappellamom
08-04-2007, 02:37 AM
There are a lot of couples out there who are financially stable, responsible, wonderful people who would be amazing parents, but who are unable (my brother and sister-in-law are great examples). Some have spent TENS of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments and other attempts to have children, and been ripped off more times than should be legal trying to adopt a newborn (the mothers in these situations have "better rights" than the would-be-adoptive parents).

This would be another reason for people to mind their own business!! Can you imagine how someone who would give anything to have a child would feel if they were asked "why don't you have any kids?" or "are you planning on having kids someday?"

acappellamom
08-04-2007, 02:38 AM
the 1st paragraph is a quote from another post. I guess I didnt do it right??

BlueToBlue
08-04-2007, 02:50 AM
I am 38 and still waiting for my biological clock to kick in; I think the batteries must be dead. I swear, at least once a week, my SO and I look at each other and say "thank God we don't have kids."

Lucikly, I don't get a lot of pressure about this; my family knows better (and it's more the norm in my immediate family to not have kids than to have them--I have two older step-siblings that are both married without kids), many of my friends my age also don't have kids, and it helps that my SO and I aren't married (despite the fact that we've been together longer than most of our married friends). But when it does come up, I usually make a joke of it. Here are a few of my favorite responses:

We don't think we should have kids because it's all we can do to take care of our houseplants. I swear, it's always "water me, water me!"
When I think about having kids, mainly I think about how I would punish them when they are bad. I think that is a sign that I probably shouldn't have kids. (BTW--this is totally true, this is mainly what I think about when I think about having kids).
The only reason I can think of to have kids would be so that they could take care of me when I'm old but, you know, you really can't count on that. I finally figured out that a good retirement plan is a lot easier.


I had one friend who just would not let up. Finally, in a more serious tone, I pointed out that I used to worry that maybe I would be missing something in my life if I didn't have kids but recently I've realized that I know a lot of couples that have chosen not to have kids and that seem perfectly happy. It's made me realize that I don't have to have kids to live a fulfilled life. He finally agreed that I was right and that if I didn't want kids, I probably shouldn't have them.

And you know, it's never people that are trying to have kids and can't that pressure me about this. If anyone pressures me, it's always the people that already have at least two of their kids of their own and are always complaining about how much work they are and how much easier life was before they had kids. It's like they are miserable and they want to suck me into their misery.

blondebritbrat17
08-04-2007, 03:04 AM
I would just say or indicate that you don't think its any of their business. I've had this to happen to me too every single time I see a family member other than my mom. These questions started as soon as I announced my engagement 3 1/2 years ago. I'm now 23 and have been married for three years. I just stand my ground on why I don't have or want kids and ask to change the subject. I'm not saying that my choice to be without kids is permanent. It could very well be and it could be possible for me to have one.

lizziness
08-04-2007, 04:38 AM
I feel the same - I'm not saying I never ever ever want children - I may want them some day... but I have decided to tell everyone I don't want them because if I give them that little bit of hope - they will cling to it like a rag doll.
I actually have been feeling the urge lately - but I think it's all biological/emotional and the realities of having a child would not be good for me or my husband. Sometimes you chose for the greater good and for some people that choice is no children.

As for the people who are trying desperately to conceive they of all people should know it's nobody's business. I guess there are rude people in all groups though.

Casandra
08-04-2007, 06:47 AM
I know loads of people who dont want to have kids or are willing to highly consider adopting if they eventually do want kids. The fact of the matter is you have no set responsibility to give birth or have a kid just because you're a human being. If you dont want children, then just ignore the people who are mindlessly advocating that everyone should up and have a baby.

When people ask me about children, I tell them that I dont want any till I'm at least in my mid to late twenties. I get asked if I'm wanting to have babies and I am married at 19.

The way I think about it is that there are millions of unwanted children in the world, I dont need to add to that number. If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. That's the end of it.

It also helps that for me, living in the UK, just about every girl my age has been pregnant at some point already, or even went ahead to have and keep the baby. The government here pays out loads of money in benefits to single mothers and in most cases you can make a better living as a single mother than a Computer Engineer or Programmer. They even give you free or near free housing as well.

*sigh* Its rare to go to the grocery store here without bumping into a 16 year old girl pushing a pram or with a ginormous baby bump.

JayEll
08-04-2007, 07:05 AM
Hello! I never wanted children, not from my earliest recollection. My favorite thing to do with dolls was to put them to bed and leave them there--for months. :lol:

Although I don't have them and never will at this point, I do know from others' experience that having a baby changes your whole life--especially the life of the mother. You can pretty much put on hold any ideas you had about travel, career, job advancement, etc. Your new role in life is to take care of someone else 24/7. As for fathers, they usually seem to have a lot of trouble as well adjusting to the change to the cozy little twosome they liked so much. Many like to think the kids are mom's job, but it ain't so simple! ;)

If you don't want to hear those comments about "why aren't you," you're going to have to actively tell people you don't appreciate it. Be kind but firm, and if that doesn't work, just be firm.

Jay

purpleorc
08-04-2007, 07:35 AM
From a young age I can remember I never wanted children and it has never changed over the years.

After working on a mother and baby unit during my psychiatric nurse training. ( the unit was for mothers or mothers to be with a psychiatric illness brough on my having a baby ) After caring for upto 6 new born babies upto 8 hours per day 5 days a week. It reinforced my views of not wanting children.

What Cassandra says in the UK is correct about how much money is given to single young mothers. We have created a irresponsible money pool that encourages girls to have children and at a very young age. To get all the benefits that go with it girls of today often see having a child as a way to access to money and housing.

I was told that when I went on a waiting list for council housing that if I had children I would be put to the top of the list. But as my circumstances was I was at the bottom of the list.:?: Yikes must get off my soap box on this one as I can go on and on about a society we have created in the UK.

My sister who is younger by 5 years is the complete opposite to me she has a family of 4 girls so people have compared us over the years. With comments when are you going to start a family like your sister ? But I give my sister her dues she has been very supportive of my decision not to have children and that for me my career was important to me.

Why do people feel that every woman should have children, why can a woman not have a forfilling life without them?

Optical Goddess
08-04-2007, 08:35 AM
Thanks so much for everyone's replies! It's great to know that I'm not alone. My husband and I also have our share of illnesses, so we do know that if the urge ever does arise, we will have to adopt. We had decided on adoption even before our health came to light...but we're not ready.
I have gotten somewhat snarky w/ my replies simply because of irritation, usually I'll ask 'well, when are you?", or hte worst was ," I'll let you know when it's your business."...
When people ask me when I'm going to start a family, "I already have a family"...there's nothing wrong with having kids, but I'm not a kid person...when I was little and played with dolls, my friends would chastise me because when I'd put 'baby' to sleep, I'd lay it down with it's face in the pillow, my friends said I'd suffocate it... that should have been an indicator..but I've waited my whole life for the maternal instinct to kick in, but it's a no go thus far. Most interactions I have with kids reaffirm that they are great for other people and even in my own life, but not as my own children...and kudos to the man who said that they knew what they were getting adopting: a baby. Great reply!!

SOme of my reasons may be selfish, some are not- but to have a kid for the wrong reasons is unfair to all involved, especially the kid..

thanks again for allthe replies! I feel so much better!

WinterStarzz
08-04-2007, 10:54 AM
I got married last year, and we constantly get asked when we are going to start having kids. My friends are having kids, married or not, and they keep telling me we should expand our family. I don't think they understand that we don't WANT kids yet. We are perfectly happy be young and not tied down by the demands of a baby. In the future, when I am in my 30's, I will probably be ready. But right now I am happy to be selfish and get my hubby all to myself...I don't want to share yet.

Slashnl
08-04-2007, 11:24 AM
Just my 2 cents:
I have 2 kids. We were married a long time before we had kids (our choice) and we both wanted them. It is NOT something to be taken lightly and anyone telling you that you should just because you are married is so very wrong. I love my kids, but they have completely changed my life. It has been a good thing and a bad thing, but I'm so glad that I have them.
However, having said that, if you don't want to devote yourself to raising them and be willing to give up a lot of your own needs and desires, you definitely shouldn't have kids.
In this day and age, it is perfectly acceptable to not have kids! I think I'd give people the "none of your business" reply!

kaplods
08-04-2007, 11:41 AM
People can be idiots. A good friend and her husband struggled with infertility, and she went through all of the fertility treatments, and had several late-term miscarriages. Even mentioning children made her burst into tears, BECAUSE so many people were badgering her and her husband about why they weren't having kids. She was a very private person and didn't feel like telling everyone the gory details.

You aren't obligated to give any answer, and for those that keep asking, you aren't even obligated to be polite.

aymster
08-04-2007, 11:51 AM
I totally am in agreement with everyone. My DH and I are childfree and when I hear the insensitive comments from people like our lives are missing something because we are childfree, or why we don't have children, I get very firm and say, "Why do you want to know?". That usually shuts people up.

I follow that with, "Dogs are just fine with us, thank you. They never back talk, say they hate us, cry when accidentally stepped on, bumped into, etc. They will love us 100 times more than any other human on this planet and would give their lives for us. Can you say the same thing about children?"

And as far as adoption goes, it doesn't matter whether a child is born from the womb or the heart, you love them just the same. I didn't birth our dogs, but I would do anything for them and love them like no other... and a lot of times more than others. :lol:

Ignorant people SUCK!!

Maybe we all should ask those people if they want to come over and help 24/7 with the wagon full of kids they want me to have and if they're going to give me the hundreds of thousands of dollars it takes to raise them, then I'll think about it for a second. Ha, nope; I'm still happier with dogs! ;)

It's less selfish to be honest and say that having kids is not right for us than appeasing what society thinks we should do.

I would never judge anyone for having or not having kids. We all make a difference in this world no matter what our families look like!

:hug:

settie
08-04-2007, 12:08 PM
It's funny that just the other day my girlfriend and I were talking about this very subject. She referred to another friend and said, "Sometimes I think Cheryl is so lucky because she doesn't have kids." I agreed completely.

I am 50 and I have 2 boys in their late teens/early 20's. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my boys to death, but they have changed my life incredibley. If anyone tells you differently, don't listen. They take a lot of time and money and emotional energy. Neither of my sisters have kids and they have done so much more than I have in many other ways. I'm not jealous, I am happy with the decision we made but it was our decision.

It is a much bigger decision to make then most people realize. It has to be totally your decision because you will be the one responsible for them.

sockmonkey70
08-04-2007, 01:22 PM
I follow that with, "Dogs are just fine with us, thank you. They never back talk, say they hate us, cry when accidentally stepped on, bumped into, etc. They will love us 100 times more than any other human on this planet and would give their lives for us. Can you say the same thing about children?"



Can I get an AMEN! lol. Exactly!! Dogs are great aren't they?

I work with toddlers in a nursery...and while it's OK for a few hours here and there...I just can NOT imagine taking care of a childs needs constantly...I would be so annoyed! I am annoyed just thinking about it!

I want to have fun while I am still young...I want to travel before I get 65 years old..I want to see the world! (probably won't but atleast the option's there LOL)

kaplods
08-04-2007, 01:42 PM
Even when I was a kid, I was pretty sure I would never have kids. I liked Barbies a lot more than baby dolls. I was 35 when I met my husband, and 36 when we married, and so a lot of people were telling us we had to "hurry up" and have kids (or lose weight so we could have them - I just saw on television a 600 lb woman who had a healthy baby, so assuming I "couldn't" have kids at my weight, was presumptuous and rude too).

I've never been very maternal, and with my sister's first son, Caleb, I kind of had to pretend I wanted to hold him, when I really didn't care one way or another. I LOVE kids, but I always thought babies were kind of boring. Even my younger sisters, I didn't even enjoy playing with until they were at least sitting up by themselves. Then when my sister had her second boy, Jayden, I was fascinated with him from birth, and SO wanted a baby, but my husband and I agreed that it was still not a good idea. My mom started in with the "I told you, you would regret not having kids." (This was just a little bit before hubby and I were joking about "Otis," our mutant squid baby.

Yes, I do sometimes regret that we will not have children, but it's far better to not have children and regret it, than to have children and regret it. The "potential" children have to be weighed into the equation. Besides, we can't have everything we want. Every choice you make eliminates other choices, that's just life. My husband and I get our "kid-fix," by playing with our nephews (and can give them back when we're tired) and volunteering with our church's youth and family puppet ministries.

freiamaya
08-04-2007, 03:10 PM
My response, when questioned why we don't have them, is that we aren't able to have them and my medical issues preclude us from adopting. Right then, people switch from being judgmental to sympathetic. So, even if you aren't facing these issues like we are, this response seems to work really well!
When some people still push, and ask us "don't you LIKE children?", I always reply:
"I LOVE children. I just could never eat a whole one..."
The looks I get are priceless!

Optical Goddess
08-04-2007, 03:24 PM
Frieamaya, I love the line about 'I couldn't eat a whole one'... when ppl ask us if we want to have a baby, my husband has answered," No thank you, I hear that they are very salty.".. my mom does get irritated with us when we talk about adoption, and I refer to it as 'buying a kid'.....

A few minutes ago,we were watching my guinea pig race around the floor, under chairs and trying to eat everything... we have enough trouble keeping a 2 lb guinea pig under control when it's mischeivous. we'd do real well w/ kids...
My husband said he never liked kids much, even when he was a kid. Just noting my reactions to wailing, whining and running kids when I'm at work is enough 'proof' for me.
Who knew my little thread, my entreaty, has been so popular?

Sakai
08-04-2007, 08:15 PM
I'm not even married and my friends have bugged me about children for years. (and I'm only 23 @_@)
I think I'm too selfish for a baby. there are days that I wish I had a little baby to care for, but then I remember that little babies grow up. yikes!

Also, I was a babysitter for much of my teenage years. (almost like a live in nanny in my freshman year of high school) ... so I feel like I already raised some kids, why would I want to do it over again. at 15 I had to make sure the kids did homework, did chores, took a bath, cook them snacks and dinner and get them to bed. Wake them up and get them to the school bus. and still do my own chores and homework and get myself to the school bus. So yeah...I'm tired of kids now lol.

mostly I just tell my friends, that I'm too selfish for a kid. They stand there with their mouth open. I guess that was gonna be their next line..then I always joke..."babyfood..or lipstick...I don't ever waht to have to make that choice."

newFannie07
08-04-2007, 09:29 PM
I am 36 y/o and been married 14 years. I guess no one around me thinks I would be a good mom......no one has ever bugged us about being childless. We were just too selfish and never wanted kids. Now I want them and am having fertility issues. Go figure.

I guess I would just tell people MYOB or "when it is right for me."

Kerri

ZedAus
08-05-2007, 04:47 AM
Being an elementary teacher people seem to think that I would naturally want kids of my own, but I have simply never had the maternal instincts. I keep having people telling me that I would feel differently once I had my own, and when I ask them would they GUARANTEE that in writing, they soon shut up.

I had to chuckle when people asked me if I was going to have children now I have lost weight. I think they truly believed, that after 43 years of not wanting children that I would want them now. Perhaps they thought that THIS was the reason I had lost the weight. I'm not really sure.

I had someone once ask me "But who will look after you when you are old?" and all I could think was... What a SELFISH reason for having children. Mind you, this person was EXTREMELY selfish.

I love working with children, and I love having 9 nieces and nephews, and a few grand-nieces, and I love having a sweet God-daughter and spending time with her and her older sister. But I also love my own time with just hubby and me. I love not being restricted with what we can and can't do. I love just having to get myself organised before work. I love being able to come home to a peaceful home after a day with 23 eight year olds.

Good luck with your responses to these people. I'm not sure I ever felt as though I responded properly.

Zelma

nelie
08-05-2007, 08:44 AM
I am late to this but I thought it was interesting how you said people would say you are horrible and selfish to not have kids? I think it'd be horrible and selfish to have kids you don't want.

DH and I are noncommital and we share that with others. We don't know but I think we are more likely not to have kids. DH's parents don't seem to care either way but they don't think we'll have kids. My parents hope we'll have kids but they don't harrass us much anymore. Other people don't say anything to us.

Personally, I am happy enough with my family as it is growing, DH, 1 cat, 1 dog and me.

elmuyloco5
08-05-2007, 11:39 AM
X

StillTryin
08-06-2007, 10:45 AM
My sister is just like this also, just turned 41 married for 13 years and her response is:
"I had one maternal thought in my life, and it died of loneliness" ...lol Her hubby and her are happy and whenever the subject gets brought up by someone his response is:
"We talked about it before we were married and decided that with my selfish attitude someone else should father our children"

Good luck it is a sensative subject, especially say if you have been trying and had fertility issues.. I mean it is really NO ONES business if you have kids or NOT....as long as it is what YOU both want.

Jen415
08-06-2007, 12:59 PM
When I was married, my then husband and I wanted children desperately. We did the whole infertility route and all. When I finally did get pregnant after years of trying, it was an ectopic pregnancy and had to be removed.

During that time, it was awkward because we didnt want everyone knowing our business.

In hindsight, being childless has turned out to be a good thing. My marriage ended not too long after we stopped trying, and I'm 42 now and DEFINITELY love my child-free lifestyle!

That being said...if God feels like he wants to play a joke on me and I get pregnant, I will love that baby like I had planned for it all along. I would never want any child of mine to feel "unwanted".

Optical Goddess
08-06-2007, 02:40 PM
As I've become more interested in the childfree lifestyle, I've found some disturbing information online. There's always the idea that childfree people are selfish and hate kids. Anyone can read these posts on 3fc and can't help but notice that's just not the case.

Some childfree people are very militant about thier decision and have it out for the parents of the world, calling them breeders and thier children sprog.
Unfortunately, there are parents who are little more than breeders with how they raise thier children. but there's also millions of loving parents as well.

I have nothing against kids, parents, or anything in the middle. I just know that kids aren't for me or my husband. I think my mom will have more problems with this decision than my husband and I.

It's also very nice to see that on this thread, no one has flamed anyone else, no one has pointed fingers, and if someone were to join in with some questions, it would all go down in a civil way.

As for the people who are insistent that we should have children, they won't give up on thier decision, like I don't give up on mine.
It's not so much about what a person believes, it's how they co-exist with other people and other beliefts. Every barrel has it's rotten apples...

When I was a baby, my mom used a stroller. It had a canopy and one pocket on the back. It worked well. Have you seen strollers these days? They look like little SUV's! I saw one with a Louis Vuitton blanket. The baby's going to burp on the blanket if it's an over priced name brand or just a nice soft fleece...the whole attitude of bigger and better than the JOnes's makes me wonder if the baby really is the top priority for these people.
--end rant.

almostheaven
08-06-2007, 04:20 PM
Even though I"m ok with this, so many people I don't even know lecture me about how it's horrible and selfish of us not to have children.
Even though I DO have kids, if anyone said something like that to me, I'd tell them "And how busy body of you to say that." Talk about horrible. They need to keep their nose out of other's personal lives. What's even more horrible is bringing a child into the world if you're not prepared for kids, or don't think you can give them the love they need. I'd just steer clear of people with that kind of mentality so you don't have to face such idiotic comments from them any longer.

kaplods
08-06-2007, 04:24 PM
You could always ask "Since we're on the topic of personal questions, what kind of underwear are you wearing?"

blondebritbrat17
08-06-2007, 05:32 PM
LOL Kaplods.. I just tell people also that I'm not ready and that I may change my mind when I get closer to my 30s. I also do the "why do you want to know?" thing. Doesn't really seem to be a deterrent with some people in my family but fortunately I only see them at thanksgiving and christmas. I just mostly ignore them.

BattleAx
08-06-2007, 06:09 PM
I have been lucky in that no one in my life dared to lay expectations on me about having children. But if they did, they would have been told in short order that it is my life and not subject to their decisions or judgment.

I love being child free. For a time, I wanted children, but I am glad that period passed without me getting pregnant. I love having my free time and not doing the soccer mom thing. It's just not who I am.

I have nothing to say about other people's choices on the matter.

bargoo
08-06-2007, 11:32 PM
You don't owe anybody an explanation when someone asks question that is none of their business.

KayLINY
08-07-2007, 02:13 PM
I didn't have children for a number of reasons.
NOT ONE OF THEM WAS/IS ANYONE'S BUSINESS BY MY OWN!!!

I didn't want kids till I was about 38 or so. And needed to lose 100 lbs to even think of getting pregnant. Then life got in the way.

There was a period of time where I went thru a depression knowing I wouldn't ever have kids. I was always iffy about it....

Certain people STILL MAKE COMMENTS to this day about us not having any kids. Like a certain someone who has a zoo of children & can't take care of them herself.

People can be so mean. It's amazing how people don't think twice about asking why you don't have children--why you're so fat--etc. If you were to turn around & ask "How come you have 8 kids? Don't you know what birth control is? Are they all your husband's kids?" you'd be called a b*tch!

My fave comment right back when someone asks me why I never had children.....BECAUSE MY HUSBAND AND I ARE BROTHER AND SISTER!:D

sockmonkey70
08-07-2007, 02:46 PM
LMAO Kay!!!! :rofl:

Janny O
08-07-2007, 03:05 PM
Soon to be 47 and didn't have any kids. Absolutely no regrets here. BUT,
I have 3 grown stepchildren that I 've had since they were teens and now a step granddaughter. When I die-I'm going straight to Sainthood. Not choosing to have children and then on top of it, having teenagers!!!!!!!!!!! Wow-that was tough! Plus, they were NOT angels. But, I love my DH and things worked out ok. So, I guess I kinda had kids.
-Jan

kaplods
08-07-2007, 03:16 PM
That's hilarious! Ooh, I've got to remember that, although since lately the only people ever asking us the kid question anymore are newer church members, it could draw some very interesting responses.

My husband and I often joke how lucky the world is that we aren't parents, since we can corrupt a five year old that isn't ours in about 5 minutes (we LOVE buying small children loud musical instruments). My sister and her husband are really great with their kids though, and so musical instruments are very welcome gifts, other parents aren't so thrilled.

We joke that hubby is about at the maturity level of about 6, and I may be between 10 and 12, so I have to be the babysitter (but I can't be trusted too long). It's funny because my sister's 6 year old was born with a 30 year old personality. He lectures us on appropriate behavior. My husband was playing nerf crossbow with him, when Caleb was only about 4 and they were shooting stuffed bears Caleb had lined up (they were hunting) and I picked up one of the extra bows and shot my husband in the buttocks. Caleb marched up to me and grabbed the bow out of my hands and said sternly (his eyebrows knitted together fiercely) "we do not shoot PEOPLE!"

oops! Yep, we're not grown up enough for kids.

Lifeguard
08-07-2007, 04:13 PM
My dh & I are on the infertility end of the equation but that has made me spend many an hour wondering if being childfree was what was meant for us & that is why we cannot conceive. I can say that the nosy question is quickly turned to embarassed faces & an end to any discussion when you briskly reply "we've been trying for some time now."

I do think though that many people are pushy about everyone having children because they need that valedation that what they are doing is the right thing to do. Somehow the choice to be childfree means to them that you look down on them for having children & they just need to know that isn't how it is.

I get the same sort of thing when people find out I'm an atheist. They make it their mission from that point on to convince me of how I'm wrong.

Do what is right for you & definitely come up with the snarky reply that best suits to shut them up.

lizziness
08-07-2007, 05:19 PM
lifeguard - i agree with you. people are trying to justify themselves rather than you in a lot of cases. i don't even tell people i'm an athiest anymore because it's just too much trouble. i try to change the subject, or tell them I'm pagan... its easier than explaining my view on spirituality. Why people think religion, babies, marriage, etc is their business is beyond me.

Lucky for me most of the ppl who bother me about children are related to me - I don't feel obligated to be polite to them.

which reminds me, on sunday my aunt asked me, like she does every time she sees me, when she's going to be a great aunt and i tell her, like i do every time, that she won't be. and her answer? "Well, maybe with your second marriage!" WOW!

zoritsa
08-07-2007, 07:08 PM
Some childfree people are very militant about thier decision and have it out for the parents of the world, calling them breeders and thier children sprog.I know a couple like that.The woman more so then the man,but it's easy to ignore people like that...and luckily,they aren't all like that.


When I was a baby, my mom used a stroller. It had a canopy and one pocket on the back. It worked well. Have you seen strollers these days? They look like little SUV's! I saw one with a Louis Vuitton blanket. The baby's going to burp on the blanket if it's an over priced name brand or just a nice soft fleece...the whole attitude of bigger and better than the Jones's makes me wonder if the baby really is the top priority for these people.
--end rant.Sadly,I know people like this too :(.My SIL is like that and I feel soooo bad for her children who are now suffering due to not having a stable homelife,and all because their mom HAD to have children,because to her,thats what you did.Of course with no clue how she's going to raise them,who's going to watch them during the day,or who will babysit when she wants to go out by herself every weekend :mad: Ok...I'll stop now,lol.

lipidful
08-08-2007, 01:47 PM
I can relate. You are NOT alone.
All my life, I figured having kids was something I'd have to do and it seemed like some kind of cut off point for me that I was kind of NOT looking forward to. Then slowly I realized that it truly is a CHOICE. I got married when I was 30 and we had discussed the kid issue, and I figured I'd have one and maybe 2 (but was dreading it). As some time passed and my husband was starting to pressure me, I realized it wasn't just "something that might happen some time in the future". It was a decision that was basically irreversible. I couldn't do it. I really thought about it, and I decided I didn't want to do it. Besides the fact that we couldn't afford it, I knew I didn't have the patience or even the smallest desire to go through with it. We ended up getting divorced. Not long after our divorce, he was "surprise" - a father to someone else's baby. Oh well. I have absolutely no regrets and I'm currently with a man who also doesn't want children. It's GREAT! I have nothing against people who DO want children and who do a good job of raising them-I just don't see why I should have to get myself into such a responsible position when I don't want it.
Good luck. You are NOT alone!

Lifeguard
08-08-2007, 02:09 PM
[QUOTE=lizziness;1806987]lifeguard - i agree with you. people are trying to justify themselves rather than you in a lot of cases. i don't even tell people i'm an athiest anymore because it's just too much trouble. i try to change the subject, or tell them I'm pagan... its easier than explaining my view on spirituality. Why people think religion, babies, marriage, etc is their business is beyond me.
QUOTE]

There are certain subjects I avoid if I can, but sometimes others just feel they need to push the issue.

elmuyloco5
08-08-2007, 02:30 PM
X

crazy helen
08-09-2007, 11:11 AM
I get asked all the time about when I'll be having kids, I've been married for almost 4 years now and will be 31 this year. Husband and I just aren't ready, but whenever we give that as a reason we get told 'I don't think you're ever ready, I wasn't ready', it just bugs me that people don't let us just do what we want in our own time. I'd love kids, just not yet :)

trekkiegirl
08-09-2007, 11:46 PM
I'm both childfree and single by choice. Didn't have the desire to be otherwise when I was 20, or 30, or now that I'm about to turn 42 in a couple of weeks. I don't have it in me to commit myself to another person for a lifetime and I have no maternal instincts. Heck, I don't even think of my cat as my baby, I think of him as my furry little brother, lol. :p Now him I wish would be around for my lifetime! :D I go through life pretty much at peace with myself and I don't have a lot of stress, not even at a job which gets crazy sometimes. I can deal with that. ;) My sister, who is older by 15 years, also never got married or had kids. It has made my mom a little sad that she's not going to have biological grandkids (plus, she wonders where the money is going to go...I told her, what I don't spend on life, health and luxury is going to animal organizations after I go), but she is a surrogate grandma to a family of four very young kids who have only one biological grandparent left who happens to be a cold woman. So she gets to be a grandma and I get off the hook. :D

I used to get asked when I was younger about marriage and kids. Not anymore. Same reasons why I don't drive a car. I don't have it in me to do it without screwing it up...I don't have the desire or the attention span for it. People tell me that it's in my head. Well, yeah, and since it's in my head, that means I shouldn't be doing it. :p And, living in NYC, I don't really need to. I tell people who ask about the driving that if I get behind the wheel, somebody is going to die, and I'm not joking. I just get annoyed by people in general when they think that everybody should be of a like mind, or have the same attitudes, values, lifestyles, etc. (I had some awareness of people's differences as a child since I had Italian immigrant parents while most of my neighborhood friends' parents were American born but in school there was a greater mix.) They look at you like you're an alien for whatever it is that makes you different from them. I mean, even the ladies I work with, nice enough as they are, have obviously not spent most of their lives around people of different backgrounds (one woman in her 50s didn't even know what the main differences in beliefs between Christians and Jews are). People tend to feel comfortable with others who are most similar to them and they tend to think of it (whatever "it" is for them, be it religion, family, race, economic status, etc.) as the "American" way of life.

Actually, working in an environment where I observe a lot of families, and seeing how fast and furious people are to occupy their kids' time with something, anything almost from birth...I do wonder why a lot of them bothered to have kids. But my motto is live and let live. I don't tell other people how to live their lives and I won't allow them to tell me how to live mine. People asking for advice or suggestions, that's fine, I'll give my input if I have any feelings or opinions on the matter but I won't force them on anybody and I expect them to do the same for me.

lizziness
08-09-2007, 11:57 PM
trekkie - i get bugged a lot about not having a car or ever learning how to drive. Honestly - I'm not interested in it, I find it all a bit terrifying, and since I live where there is an amazing transit system it just isn't necessary. It's good for the environment, for my pocket, and honestly I really don't feel I need it.
Granted,there are times I wish I could just hop in the car and go somewhere to be alone but... all the more encouragement to just go take a walk instead! :)

I don't know why people are so scared of others not being like them. Perhaps they feel like they are validating themselves or something. I get bugged a lot about not having a car, not having kids, not being what people think I should be. But honestly- I think it bothers them more than it will ever bother me.

Optical Goddess
09-29-2007, 09:44 PM
I know that this thread has been dormant for awhile, but I wanted to thank everyone for their advice and experiences. Last night I finally told my mother in a point blank fashion that I won't be having children.

We had been on the phone for an hour and she was circling the question like a vulcher... I think she was shocked, surprised and a bit saddenned... but I did explain that I just don't have a maternal instinct, and that no amount of hanging out with my little niece and other small children is going to change that. One can be nurturing with out being a mom... I even told her I really looked into myself and tried to convince myself that maybe I could do it....but I also realized it was only to conform to what was expected of me.

I know that she is a bit upset about it, but I am very glad to get it out there. Not to mention that I am bipolar, and she doesn't always understand that there is no medicine that will just make me better. I'll always have 'episodes'...at times I have problems taking care of myself, let alone another person.

Sigh.

I still feel in some ways that I am inadaquet--inn add a quit--. It's all having to do with society's idea of what a woman should be and all that...

anyway, I do thank everyone. I know that this question will be posed to me a lot come the holidays, I'm thinking of writing up a FAQ. I never would have been able to really admit to my mom how I feel with out knowing that there are other people like me out there. It kind of feels like I was coming out to her.

Anyway, thank you all so much for giving me the courage to be true to myself.

HarpoChicoGroucho
09-30-2007, 01:01 AM
I just turned 25, and I'm a nanny. I always tell everyone I couldn't imagine taking care of children as a career and then coming home to my own children. So I say I have to completely change careers before I can even think about having children, unless I marry a guy who makes enough money to enable me to be a stay at home mom. I KNOW, though, I DO want to have a family someday. I want to feel that little warmth in my heart for my children, like the one I know my mom has for me. I've worked with children for 10 years professionally and even longer unprofessionally because I was a babysitter at the age of 11. But for now having a baby is not good for me. I like coming home (or going to my boyfriend's) and having the opportunity to do as I please. I'm very happy when my period comes every month. I sometimes feel incredibly selfish, but to put it honestly, I like sleeping in on the weekends. But if I muse over it for awhile and when tears come to my eyes when I see the girls I nanny for do something I'm so proud of, I know what I'm missing. My biological clock is definitely ticking. But it's sort of a slow, non-urgent ticking. And I'm okay with that for now. I wish everyone happiness with their choices -- it'll be okay either way. If you can't bless your own child's life, there are many other ways to touch the lives of children. I know if I happen to never be blessed with a child, I can volunteer with CASA or a children's hospital. There are a myriad of opportunities. Happiness and peace to all :)

K8-EEE
09-30-2007, 01:10 PM
Personally I think there are waaaaay too many people in the world and it's kind of a nice thing population-wise that not everybody wants kids! I think if you don't want them don't have them.....my sister is childless and perfectly happy, and I love having an autie to spoil my kids when we're too broke raising them to do so!

princess_peach
09-30-2007, 01:47 PM
I have never wanted children and if anyone is rude enough to ask me when I'm having children, they better be prepared for a rude answer ;)

I think part of it may be because I have a younger sister with Down Syndrome and taking care of her will be like taking care of young children who never grow up!

phantastica
09-30-2007, 03:32 PM
To get all the benefits that go with it girls of today often see having a child as a way to access to money and housing.

Whoa, that's insane! I was a single parent at 20. I got pregnant because I had this "it couldn't happen to me" philosophy about birth control, not having any thoughts about anything long-term like access to money and housing.

That said, I think it's really disrespectful for people to inquire about the state of someone else's fertility. Asking if a couple is going to have children sounds just as crazy as "so, have you hit menopause yet?"

I totally understand and respect child-free by choice. More people need to make that decision. I agree with K8-EEE - our generation is going to see the onset of a world population crisis.

Lafayette
09-30-2007, 04:04 PM
LOL

The best advice I ever got for an appopriate response when someone asks an inappropriate question is to say, "Oh, you!" and give them a limp wristed pat on the arm. It's a little old lady scolding that works wonders and doesn't leave you on the spot. It forces the other person to change the subject... which often leaves THEM, not you, at a loss for words. I've actually had people apologize ;)

When I was younger, I had a list of snappy comebacks but I just stopped bothering because it made me look defensive and inappropriate. My personal favorite response to "When are you getting married?" used to be "When are you getting divorced?" until a person I said this to was actually going through a painful separation. Then I felt like an ***!

When people ask about kids, I'm still annoyed, though. I always want to give them a bewildered look and ask how babies are made... but I just stick with the "Oh, you!" response. Sometimes, life is just better with your subtitles off!!!

improbable
09-30-2007, 04:48 PM
Yeah, my main response would just be about the massive problems caused by overpopulation in the world, and that the last thing the world needs is an unwanted child, or a child had just for the sake of having children. There's no people shortage, last time I checked.

featherz
09-30-2007, 04:57 PM
I just turned 40, and have known all my life I didn't want kids. Never had the urge, PLUS I just never grew up and prefer it that way. Back to playing guitar hero on my Xbox. :P

ennay
10-01-2007, 02:10 PM
dh and I were married for 12 years before we had children so I know what you are talking about, even though I did eventually succumb to the dark side.

at one point, it got so bad that dh was trying to convince me that at his next family gathering if someone brought it up I should burst in to tears and leave the room so they would all think we were having fertility issues and never bring it up again.

But here is the kicker.....

After 12 years of badgering us to have children when I did get pregnant we got....

"oh, was it an accident?"
"dont you think you are a little old to start now" (I was 33)
"that's going to be a big adjustment since you are set in your ways now" (yes, thank you, I am an old geezer and I am sure a baby would have slid right in to my life unnoticed at 21)
and of course since noone is ever satisfied....

"so, how many do you think you are going to have?"
"when are you going to try for a second?"
"you dont want to wait too long at your age to have that second baby"

And when I did get pg. with #2 my very own mom's response as I was puking my guts up with morning sickness. "Well, you asked for it".

In short, it really doesnt matter what you do - some people just are nosy busy bodies who revel in torturing other people.

K8-EEE
10-01-2007, 02:14 PM
Not to mention that when you DO Have kids and go back to work people ask all concerned-like "who's with the baby?" Then after you feel compelled to explain the excellence of your nanny/daycare situation, they declare it the "next best thing" to me being at home, but wait!

Then when you quit work to be a stay at home mom, and people ask you about your job at a party, you get the standard, pitying, "oh good for YOU...." response. Basically nosy/control freak people will always find something to disapprove of no matter what you do, so like Ricky Nelson said, can't please everyone so you got to please yourself!

sarahyu
10-01-2007, 03:22 PM
My dh and I have been married for 17 years, we are both in our 40's and have constantly been bugged about our having kids. We have some serious mental problems on both sides of our family and the idea of having a child who eventually becomes mentally ill just makes us cringe. I know that's it's only a 17% chance but for me that was too big of a chance. I've seen how my sil is and it's scarey sometimes.

My answers have always been, "not now, maybe later" I had one lady AT CHURCH a few years ago tell me that we were just lazy in not having kids. OMG! I went off on her in a huge way-I was furious.

"Who will take care of you in your old age?" So I'm to have children to support me? isn't that selfish of me to expect my children to support themselves, their children and us parents? Isn't that why we plan for our retirement?

"You'll be lonely when your older with no children or grandchildren to keep you company." How many people actually live near their parents to keep them company on a regular basis.

I think it's funny when a couple will spend an hour complaining about their misbehaving kids then turn around and tell you should have a couple. My dh says it's because misery loves company.

I do like kids, I think children are wondeful. It's amazing how their little brains work and how they think. I work with them on a weekly basis, but I also enjoy sending them home. I respect people who have made the choice to have children.

I do think that people will always have something to say about your life. I have a freind who has popped out a kid a year since she's been married-she has 5 kids now and she says complete strangers will say the rudest things to her.

Sarah in MD

phantastica
10-01-2007, 03:34 PM
I'm allegedly "really good with kids", too. My siblings always ask me why I didn't have more, because I'm so good with them. That's just it - I'm great with them because I only have to see them on a very temporary basis!

ennay
10-01-2007, 04:47 PM
Oh...my sister the schoolteacher told me it was my DUTY to have kids because "you guys would be good parents and we need you to balance out the bad parents out there".

misschris531
10-01-2007, 04:59 PM
ennay, that is certainly a reason I haven't heard before. I myself desperately want kids (when I'm older, I'm still in school right now and in no way could support children). I have since I was a little girl. I even thought about getting pregnant with my last boyfriend-- thank God I didn't, he ended up being really unstable and left me so he could go out drinking with his buddies every night! But I honestly couldn't care less if other people want children. If you want kids, fine. If you don't, fine!

Spinymouse
10-01-2007, 05:36 PM
it is not selfish to not have children!

Conversely there are some people who have children for selfish reasons too.

The world does not need every woman to reproduce anymore than it needs for every female dog or cat to reproduce. We'd soon be overrun like a bad sci fi movie.

Jo
childfree

lizziness
10-01-2007, 10:25 PM
The world does not need every woman to reproduce anymore than it needs for every female dog or cat to reproduce. We'd soon be overrun like a bad sci fi movie.


**chuckles** all I could think when I read that is "and remember, folks, have yourself spayed or neutered"

My new favorite thing to tell people that puts them off enough to leave me alone is "but don't you think my husband would make such a terrible father?"

it's not true - but it works. especially on HIS side of the family. *LOL* I'm so mean

Lafayette
10-01-2007, 10:27 PM
Hmmm... can't resist... holding my hand out and saying, "We're collecting money towards the adoption."

Yeah, I'm gonna burn ;)

ennay
10-01-2007, 10:55 PM
**chuckles** all I could think when I read that is "and remember, folks, have yourself spayed or neutered"



:rofl:

Spinymouse
10-01-2007, 11:25 PM
**chuckles** all I could think when I read that is "and remember, folks, have yourself spayed or neutered"



Yes! I got "fixed" when I was 30. No regrets!

LondonJulz
10-02-2007, 09:25 AM
Sorry, just butting my big nose in here. I have 2 children, a 2 year old and a 1 year old. We plan on having many more!

HOWEVER - I think it is absolutely RUDE of people to give others "guilt trips" for choosing to not have children.

I have the utmost respect for people who choose to not have children. I think that is the opposite of selfish. It would be selfish to bring a child into the world when you really don't want one.... just having one to make others happy. That is as big of a decision as deciding to have kids. Trust me, there are enough women out there having many many babies to make up for anyone who chooses to not have kids.

ViolinCyndee
10-10-2007, 01:26 AM
People ask me the same thing all the time! I am 40 and have no children, and I want to keep it that way! If my husband and I have kids, we will not be able to do anything that we do now, and like to share. The person who complains the most is my mother-in-law..

BillBlueEyes
10-10-2007, 05:21 AM
Congratulations, Goddess, for being clear about being childfree.

Just thought you would like to know that now, with my DS and DD grown into adults, people ask me when they are going to have kids. :dizzy:

My usual response is a light hearted "You think he wasn't listening during our father/son chat?"

featherz
10-10-2007, 08:16 AM
You know what's interesting.. When I was in my 20's, everyone told me 'you still have time, don't hurry' (even when I knew I wasn't planning on kids).. In my 30's I got a lot of 'but.. but.. but..' from coworkers.

Now that I am 40 (sniff) and working with older women with grown kids, all of which are MAJOR problems (jail, drugs, etc) - they all applaud my decision. :) Of course, most kids are not the problems these are but I still find it amusing.

Spinymouse
10-10-2007, 09:14 AM
The person who complains the most is my mother-in-law..

This is one of my pet peeves! The people who push for grandchildren. I mean, they got their chance to choose what they wanted to do about having children and they chose to have children. Fine. They don't get to choose again for somebody else!

On a similar note, it doesn't happen to me very much anymore, but every once in a while I am surprised that someone expresses some hope that I'm going to get a mate/spouse of some sort. (I'm not.) Blows my little mind. Why would they even care?

jo

shananigans
10-10-2007, 02:29 PM
My folks pulled me aside about this for the first time this past weekend when we all made a trip out east for an engagement party hosted by my future MIL. To their credit, they've never really asked about it before. I guess now that we're getting married it makes sense that it comes up. I made it clear that we do not intend to have children, but in the future if we change our minds for some reason (who can predict the future?) we agreed we would adopt. Then my mom added with a chuckle that my F-MIL told her that she is to start pressuring me :o Seriously. I guess my mom knows that amounts to a joke because I've always had a mind of my own, damned if anyone's gonna pressure me into anything I don't want!

nelie
10-10-2007, 03:47 PM
I think that is why I love my ILs... When we told our ILs that we were going to expand our family, my MIL asked if it was a gold fish :) She was relieved to find out it was a dog...

Optical Goddess
10-10-2007, 05:02 PM
I think the reason people put the pressure on is because they weren't ready when they decided to have/gave in to the pressure to have kids, so they figure no one else should be either... I'm thankful that although family members may tease me about the whole childfree thing, they realize that I have my mind made up... I just don't understand how people can take having a kid so lightly ("oh, you'll feel different about it when you have it and it's yours")--there's a great reason!

ViolinCyndee
10-11-2007, 01:47 AM
This is one of my pet peeves! The people who push for grandchildren. I mean, they got their chance to choose what they wanted to do about having children and they chose to have children. Fine. They don't get to choose again for somebody else!

On a similar note, it doesn't happen to me very much anymore, but every once in a while I am surprised that someone expresses some hope that I'm going to get a mate/spouse of some sort. (I'm not.) Blows my little mind. Why would they even care?

jo

Well mine cares because she DOES have grandchildren already.. My husband's brother and his wife have 2 kids. But since she (my sister in law) is SO inept, I think my mother in law would rather see us do it "right"!! HA!

Whateva... I am not about to go through all of that NOW. And, I don't wanna have to lose weight all over again!! :devil:

Amy8888
10-11-2007, 11:26 AM
I didn't read the whole thread, mostly just the first post. I hope I don't repeat too much!

Anyway, I have kids and I was never sure I really wanted them. I was always drawn to dogs in the park, never babies. BUT, I'm glad I have my babies, I love them more than anything. In fact, after we had our first I loved her so much that I was pregnant again 5 months later. (Don't worry, this isn't turning into a lecture of how once you have them you'll be glad you did! I just wanted you to have that background).

It's truly not for everyone. It is HARD work. The thing I don't get is how anyone could tell a childless couple that they're selfish. In many many cases, it seems selfish to me that people do have babies. They like the attention, they like getting gifts. (I'm thinking of a particular couple and I do not mean to generalize to all parents). They expect baby showers and free babysitting from relatives. It's the expectation that bugs me. They don't seem willing to change their lifestyles to accommodate the babies. To me, that is selfish. It seems far more mature and selfless to decide that you like your life as is, and even though society is pressuring you, you decide to do what's best for you.

The other thing I wanted to say is that people really need to learn some tact. I can't believe someone would pressure you, constantly ask when you're having kids. Why is that OK, but these same people would be appalled to ask you your weight? It's extremely personal information NO ONE has the right to ask about it. Sure, it would be extremely hurtful if you were infertile and were actually trying to have a baby. But I don't see why it's any better to pressure someone who's chosen not to have a baby.

I think I would eventually just get really rude back at people who were on my case about having a baby. I think I would ask them a personal question right back. Them: When are you having a baby? You: I don't know, I'll tell you after you tell me how much you weigh.

Bottom line, it's none of their business.

sidhe
10-11-2007, 01:01 PM
"and remember, folks, have yourself spayed or neutered"

Okay, I just busted out laughing! :rofl:

When I was a teenager I knew I didn't want kids. When we got married my hubby did, and I agreed that IF our lives settled down and IF we both felt like we were in good places to be parents and IF we were BOTH ready to give up things for the kids, THEN we'd talk about it. So we got married. And then he got sick (mental illness). And then he agreed that he wasn't stable enough to take on that responsibility and raise kids. He also agreed that if god forbid something happened to me, he wasn't prepared to raise our children himself. So there's that issue done. I have an IUD, now, and I'll continue to have one until...oh...menopause.

My mom, when we got married, bugged me for awhile about having kids. Finally I squashed the issue when I told her that "I'm waiting for it to be my dream for my life, rather than somebody else's dream." She never mentioned it again. My dad has occasionally mentioned it in terms of "we need a girl" (at the time I had 3 nephews), but now that my sister had her second child, a daughter, that has stopped too.

I am open and honest about the fact that it is for me a selfish decision. I am not willing to give up parts of my life to raise a child I don't really want. I work with kids, but I don't want any of my own. I tell people that my favorite part of the day is sending my little patients home. I also see what happens to a child when that child is unwanted or being raised by parents who really weren't prepared for what they were getting into, as well as the unpredictable, uncontrollable things that can happen to a child (autism, cystic fibrosis, cerebral palsy, Angelman's syndrome) even when the parents do everything "right". No, thank you.

My family is my husband and a grumpy cat, and we're plenty happy. :D

Spinymouse
10-11-2007, 01:05 PM
My dad has occasionally mentioned it in terms of "we need a girl"

Gee, I didn't know you could order them like that.

Optical Goddess
10-12-2007, 03:01 PM
I am bipolar, and even though I knew I didn't want children before I was diagnosed, I know that I am not a fit parent. I neglect myself enough, let alone someone who depends on me. When I finally told someone this, as a way to give a 'tangible' answer to the question, they just said, "oh, there are pills for that."...

It mystifies me that people just think everyone is fit to be a parent, and that's the end of it. From a religious stand point, I've had people tell me it was my Christian duty to have children. I believe God saw fit to make me realise that children aren't my bag for so many reasons, and that by obeying this, what I feel is the right thing for me, I am being dutiful.if that makes any sense.

chick_in_the_hat
10-12-2007, 03:17 PM
I've just never been interested in being a mom...now that I'm 41 the people who gave me grief before have pretty much accepted it. It might help that DH has a son from before me...and both my sisters have kids.

I've just never seen what is wrong with stopping to plan whether or not you actually want kids.