This is an embarrassing thing to talk about, but I figure a place with a bunch of women is the place to ask.
How do you feel about porn? I am incredibly intimidated by it. I once found porn on my husbands computer, and completely flipped out. I was terrified by the idea of him seeing skinny, beautiful women...and seeing how much he was missing by being with a cow like me. He tells me that any other woman in the world would be okay with it. Is that true?
08-03-2007, 11:57 AM
I think that all men watch porn. They are women that are on the computer or on the dvd. I know that my husband loves me. I was big when he met me and married me. So no it doesnt bother me if he watches porn. we watch it together. It adds some spice to our life.
He can just as easily go to any store or out anywhere and see skinny, beautiful women, that are sometimes dressed almost as revealing as the girls on the dvd or computer or in the magazine.
I can not let my lack of self esteem interfere with my husband and how he sees me.
That is just my opinion. And i would rather know what he is looking at then have him hide it from me.
08-03-2007, 12:03 PM
This may be better suited to the general chatter forum. But anyway as for me I feel fine about it. I don't mind my boyfriend looking at it and I would expect that he doesn't mind me looking at it either, which I do. I don't think your husband is correct in saying that every other woman would be fine with it because, yes, many women are but I know many who are not as well. It's just a personal thing.
08-03-2007, 12:10 PM
Your husband is wrong. I know a LOT of women, myself included, who don't like their men to look at porn. I don't see anything wrong with it in itself, I just don't feel it belongs in my relationship.
08-03-2007, 12:20 PM
I think some porn is ok, there is porn out there for couples , I can give you a website if you are interested, just send me a private message. There is porn that I am against, and I do think is disguisting( involving teens, older women, animals). But I think that it is possible to watch porn as a couple and feel comfortable with it, and the skinny women don't bother me, because one day I will be thin also. :0
08-03-2007, 12:45 PM
I think this is a personal issue that every couple needs to figure out for themselves what is the acceptable use of porn.
I have a friend who is absolutely against & her husband knows it must stay hidden. She's ok with pretending as long as she doesn't accidentally find it. It works for them.
If you're not comfortable you need to talk honestly with him about it.
08-03-2007, 01:16 PM
Well, as my boyfriend once told me: "If you've seen one breast, you wanna see 'em all!" LOL
Seriously, I agree with Lifeguard. It's up to each couple to discuss what is acceptable and what is not. Personally for me, I know that when my boyfriend looks at porn, it's not because he doesn't like the way I look (au contraire, he finds me rather sexy!), but he likes to look at many variations of the female form.
The only way you are going to know is to talk to him...but he IS wrong when he says every other woman in the world thinks it's okay...too much of a blanket statement.
08-03-2007, 01:57 PM
For me, it would depend. How much porn, what kind of porn, are the images violent, obscenely young, is it some sort fetish porn, gay porn, how much time is he spending at it, does he hide it, does he flaunt it.
In general, women aren't as fascinated by porn, as men (at least not visual porn, my aunt is addicted to romance novels that are so steamy, I would call them soft porn). When I signed up for the internet for the first time, I was astonished at all the porn that was thrown in my face. Any google search, no matter how seemingly innocent would bring up porn (even the first time I tried to find this site when someone told me about it, but only remembered the "fat chicks" part). I admit I was fascinated, for about a week. It wasn't really sexual as much as "can you believe there's a site that shows....."
After a week, I was totally bored with it.
My hubby is (or at least pretends to be) fairly porn resistant. A buddy of his gave him (hubby said "pushed" on him) a CD of "cartoon porn," and he brought it home and told me what it was. Cartoon porn? I had never heard of cartoon porn. My hubby never watched it. I did - for about 5 minutes. It was really funny for about 5 minutes. How anyone could find cute cartoon characters having sex interesting for 90 minutes is beyond me.
Hubby returned the CD to his friend, and told his friend I'd watched it, but he hadn't (his friend was mortified that he had "shown" it to me - so his assumption was that porn had to be hidden from the women-folk).
My husband subscribed to Playboy for a while, and I didn't mind. I'd even sometimes read it. Sometimes he'd even show me a page, and say "doesn't that girl look like a boy to you - no hips, no boobies, and she looks about 11 what's up with that?" Maybe he really did find me more attractive physically than some of the women on the pages, but even if he didn't he was sure smart for saying so. He didn't renew, because he said the magazine had changed. He said the models were getting creepy (too young looking - no curves, all shaved - looking about 11), and said in the "old days" the magazine showed women with curves. Playboy is now run by a woman (Heff's daughter), and I wonder if that really has made a difference. The curveless fashion model look, is definitely more of a woman's preference than a man's.
I've gotten off-topic I'm sorry. It isn't fair to say "most" women would be ok with it. First of all, this is your relationship and it doesn't matter what most women would or wouldn't be ok with, it matters what you're ok with. Secondly, I don't think most women are ok with it. Some are, some aren't. He's just being defensive (like the little kid who say's "everyone else's mom says it's ok"). I would suggest not "flipping out," about it. Try to discuss it a little more calmly, and talk together about how or whether porn fits into your relationship. There is no right or wrong answer here (Unless one or both of you have religious beliefs that say otherwise).
08-03-2007, 02:54 PM
I love porn LOL. You must admit, when you are with a partner for a long time...Things can get a little monotonous! I think porn is a good way to spice things up a little. It isn't about the man liking those "skinny chicks" more than you...It's just the excitement of something different. And, if you look hard enough, you can find girls with some real curves and not just those skinny women hehe.
But I DEFINATELY don't think EVERY women in the world is ok with it.
08-03-2007, 03:16 PM
Well, as my boyfriend once told me: "If you've seen one breast, you wanna see 'em all!" LOL.
JEN! SO TRUE!! :rofl:
From a guy's perspective, all I can say is we like to :s: sneak :s: peeks from time to time. Angie doesn't mind, as she says "I know it is a visual thing for you guys".
Now, that being said, there is what I would call (if there is such a thing) :o:love: "NORMAL" :love::o porn and then there is the :devil: NO WAY GOING THERE PORN :devil:
It can be like any other addiction. I am not trying to justify it here, as I am sure my Savior would not sit with me and look at it :no:
Anyway there is a big difference between sneaking a peek and living for it!
08-03-2007, 03:29 PM
I too know a lot of women who don't want their SO looking at porn...they want nothing to do with it. Myself, I am fine with it...it's a picture on the internet, in a book on a dvd/video, I honestly don't see it as a big deal and like looking at it myself, lol.
And...I think it's human nature for men to look at other women, and women to look at other men...there's nothing wrong with looking in my opinion.
08-03-2007, 03:38 PM
Ohhh boy...tough subject!
I don't think this is better off in general chatter...right here is just fine.
FIRST- Your husband is WRONG...not every other woman would be OK with it! Many women, sure...but there are also many, like myself who are NOT!
Porn is such a volatile subject, and one that has affected my own marriage profoundly.
This is probably going to be very loooong.....
I used to be OK with porn, we used to watch it together.
Then, when we got our computer, things got quickly out of hand. My hubby would stay up till 4 in the morning any night that he didn't have to work the next day. Our sex life dwindled down to nearly nothing. Finally I figured out what was going on and several years of turmoil followed. Things really went downhill when I found out how he really felt about me sexually.
Some of you already know this. In hindsight...I should never have pushed the issue.
My husband had been really down for several days...I started bugging him about why, why, why??? Finally he told me that he was not sexually attracted to me and he couldn't take it (my fatness) anymore....I LOST IT!!!
I went to my bedroom and SCREAMED into my pillow like I have never done before. I cried for days, weeks... That comment broke something in my very soul. I had always believed that he was attracted to me no matter what...and he wasn't. It has taken several years for us to be OK again.
This situation, in combination with growing porn use on his part has changed our relationship FOREVER. I became obsessed with finding out what he was looking at...spending my days searching the computer.
FINALLY, I ended up spending thousands on dollars on therapy for myself. I came out of that...with boundaries for myself.. Because of the situation...I will not have porn in my home. That is just the way it is. I feel he has damaged what once was...and I can't accept it in MY life any longer. I also came out of therapy with a deep knowledge that I am lovable, and beautiful as I am...and that if my marriage were to end...I would be perfectly capable of finding a love that wanted me just as I am.
I've been hurt by porn, so has my husband and my marriage. I think that if you enjoy it and it doesn't hurt ANYONE...sure, whatever. BUT if it affects you, or your marriage negatively..then it's not OK.
PLEASE...don't let your husband blame this on you...that is what they do. They'll do anything they can to be able to continue using porn..and keep you at the same time, including trying to make it your problem, your fault.
It's not your fault, and you don't need to accept anything in your marriage that hurts you...no matter how popular it is in the world today.
AND this is not even mentioning how damaging porn is to the women who are involved in it (a whole other subject)....no matter how strongly people oppose that opinion...it is true.
Sending you hope, and prayers :angel:, and love :goodvibes:,
Please feel free to pm me anytime,
08-03-2007, 03:43 PM
As others have said, I think it's a very individual thing, and his blanket statement about "all other women" is just a defense. Personally, I know Jeff looks at porn. He practically has a collection of stuff he's downloaded an dburned onto CDs. Lots of CDs. Before he and I met and moved in together, it was sort of a hobby for him, I guess. He was a single guy who spent 90% of his free time on the computer--it was practically a natural gravitation :p
I couldn't expect him to just give it up cold turkey because he's with me. He's never asked me to give up anything I enjoy, so that wouldn't be fair. I don't like watching it with him; it's just not my thing. I end up either laughing at it or making fun of it or pointing out when the girl is obviously faking :devil: But hey, if he wants to watch it, then have fun...as long as he keeps coming to me (and only me) for the real thing ;)
Now, if there were a situation where he was watching porn all the time and you had a basically nonexistant sex life together, I would be very concerned because he'd obviously be replacing the real thing with the porn (I've seen it happen to friends), and that's an issue that needs to be addressed. But as long as you still have a healthy relationship together, I personally don't see a problem with it.
08-03-2007, 03:49 PM
No, I don't like it. I think it is degrading and disgusting. Maybe I am old fashioned when it comes to things like this but, I have no desire to see anyone's personal parts unless I have feelings for them.
I'm also a strong believer in that I got married for a reason, to share my WHOLE life with ONE person. I'm not religous at all, so, this isn't a religious rant. I think you can cheat on your spouse both mentally and physically. Porn falls into the mental category.
With that being said, I know most guys feel way different about porn. I told my husband on the day that I moved in with him that "I could care less if he wanted to look at porn but, it wasn't going to be laying around my house and I better not see it...not even accidently." We intended on having children (which we did) and I didn't think it was a smart idea to have that stuff in the house. Kids find everything!
Anyways, that was 9 years ago. I have never found any shred of evidence that my husband looks at porn and that suits me just fine. If he does look at it then I don't know about it...in that case, I guess ignorance is bliss.
08-03-2007, 04:58 PM
I guess I feel like the majority - it's a personal choice for each couple whether or not to share in the porn and most guys want to look at it. I also think that it, like anything else, can affect your marriage if you let it or if it gets out of control.
I know people who have gotten divorced over it. I think it's a little extreme but it all depends on each relationship. If I found stuff with children/teens or animals or something then I'm sure I'd have a major problem. If it became an addiction, then I'm sure I'd have a problem with it too. It just all depends on what you are comfortable with and that it doesn't become an addiction for him.
08-03-2007, 05:28 PM
Whatever you feel inside is your limit...that is your limit.
I nearly got divorced over it, and will absolutely do so if my husband chooses to cross my boundaries and hurt me again.
08-03-2007, 06:16 PM
In some ways I have nothing against it because I'd rather have my husband at home looking at porn than out at a strip club or having an affair. On the other hand I personally find it very disgusting and degrading and in my own honest opinion think that all this kind of stuff likely has led to the increase in sex related crimes. That is my own opinion, I have nothing to base it on, just my own feeling and I'm not meaning to spark a debate on that particular subject! So yes my dh used to look at porn and buy magazines etc but we had it out awhile back and he knows how much it upsets me so he hasn't been buying magazines and I don't think he looks at it very much on the computer. I know sometimes he was looking at it while I was at home but now with our 5 year old son in the house I'm pretty sure that he doesn't unless it is late at night when I am working. I don't know why it upsets me and I don't think it is a weight related issue either.
08-03-2007, 06:23 PM
I am kinda on the fence with this....I dont think I would mind if we were enjoying it together (which wouldnt happen..lol) but if I were to come home and find him watching or reading a porn show/mag I think I would be upset, but not mad. If he were doing that and masterbating, then I would be PI$$**. I think it definately a personal thing, and it is also NOT something that ALL women would be OK with.
08-03-2007, 07:28 PM
My husband's friends tease him about not wanting to go to the strip club. (He doesn't drink because of his diabetes, and he says he'll be blankety blanked, if he's going to pay $7 for a diet Coke). About half his friends are single, and about half have wives that have a lot of "rules." So they assumed I had forbidden him to go to the strip club, and they teased him about it. "Heck," he said he told them, "Colleen would be more interested in the girls here than I am." -- No I am not lesbian, but when he had the Playboys, I did analyse the girls' figures alot, trying to find out what men found so attractive (and would ask my husband), and/or trying to see if I could guess which girl's assets were fake, and deciding which body was closest to the one I hoped my body would resemble when I lost the weight.
The Playboy was almost like a haircstyle magazine to me, I'd point out a girl and tell my husband "I want to look like her when I lose weight." Sweet darling that he is, he'd always glance at the picture without much interest, and find some fault with the girl's pic (and never that she was too old, or too fat, it was "her hips (or lips) are too small," or "her ankles are too thick," or "she looks like she's about 11, gross!")
If hubby found anything that took my time away from him, I don't care if it was the sight of naked girls (live, online, or on paper) or for that matter a video game, or a crossword puzzle, I wouldn't accept that.
08-03-2007, 09:34 PM
I personally have no problem with porn. My husband looks at it; I look at it; we watch it together sometimes. *shrugs* It's no biggie in our house. But like others have said, it's a personal choice.
Boys will be boys. It's like master-you-know-what. It doesn't matter if he's getting it 10 times a day. He's still going to help himself out. There's something personal there that no partner can replace. It's nothing personal against you.
I guess you have to decide how you feel about it and tell him. If you're a "none allowed at all" kind of girl, then you two need to discuss this and hopefully find a compromise.
08-03-2007, 09:50 PM
Ooh, reading recent posts makes me want to add to my own--I agree that having a bunch of porn laying around when you have kids is a bad idea. None of Jeff's x-rated CDs are labeled as such--they're actually labeled as "backup discs" for his computer, and I honestly think I'm the only person who knows they're not really computer backup files (he's a bit of a computer geek, so it wouldn't be surprising to anyone that he would have a bunch of backup discs normally). We don't have any kids yet, and won't for at least a few years, but when we do, the "backup discs" will be kept as such so no one would know what's on them. They're even mixed in with a bunch of other programming discs--I think hiding them in a special place would make it obvious that they weren't really what they were labeled. I honestly wouldn't even know he had any porn at all unless we'd talked about it.
Also, he never looks at the stuff while we're together. At night, we always go to bed together at the same time, so it's not like he's up at his computer all hours of the night. We also leave for work at the same time in the morning. If we're both home and he's horny, he'd better come to me about it rather than go to a computer, and he knows that :p
But, as always, these are my personal feelings/preferences/opinions. If I were very disturbed or hurt or if the porn was directly affecting our relationship, I would take issue with it in a heartbeat. It all depends on what works for the couple (the COUPLE, not just the guy ;) ).
08-04-2007, 01:56 AM
I'm also a strong believer in that I got married for a reason, to share my WHOLE life with ONE person... I think you can cheat on your spouse both mentally and physically. Porn falls into the mental category.
I wish it were otherwise, but I think I'm on the verge of this opinion. SOMETHING really bugs me when the man I'm with is enjoying himself sexually at the sight of other women (unless he's doing it with me - then it's a sanctioned "couples activity"). Sure, the woman's not in my bed doing the naughty, but he's getting hot - and often "finishing the job" - whether or not she is.
My ex-fiance of 5 years used to watch it right next to me - without me - when we had adjacent computers. My current BF was horrified when I told him that, as he thought it very tactless and crude, which I agree with, especially since the ex and I hadn't talked about it and defined what we're comfortable with. But the BF still watches it at some point or another.
I feel like I am a HORRIBLE person for not being understanding and accepting of the way men are wired. I am the type that always thinks, "If I can do sucnandsuch why can't they?" "If I can avoid doing this or that, why can't they?" "If I can live without staring and man-bits online while in a committed relationship, why can't he not look at strange women?" It's something I constantly struggle with, and it humiliates me that I can't control my inward reaction (I can keep perfectly quiet outwardly, at least).
It's bad. We're both artists, and I have a lot of nude females on my computer because I LOVE to draw women, but I get flustered and hurt inside when I see him looking at nude art - mostly because he always spends an EXTRA amount of time on that picture, and usually makes an effort of pointing out some non-sexual thing he likes about it (which makes me think he's trying to cover for staring at someone else's boobs).
I think Goldana may have explained it. It doesn't feel like cheating to me, but it feels like a few too many steps in that direction for me to be A-OK with it.
And now I'm all riled up! :p Good topic. ;)
08-04-2007, 11:59 AM
I was completely honest about how I felt about it before we even started dating. It just came up in conversation, and I said that it was something I would never be happy with in my relationship. I wish I wasn't this way, because man, would that make things easier! But the fact is, I am. I am a jealous person to begin with, so having him look at that pushes me way too close to the edge. This only happened one time, and we got through it. But I think he is looking again, and when I ask him, he denies it absolutely. Just not sure how to get an honest answer. I was very straight forward, told him I was worried about it, and that I just wanted an honest answer. Anything he told me we could work through. But he still denied it.
08-04-2007, 12:34 PM
Jealousy really is a disease. It makes you suspicious and paranoid, and it will eat at you AND your husband. You said you think he is looking at it, but why do you think that? Do you have real evidence, or are you just suspicious because of the jealousy and the previous incident. It sounds like you didn't accept his denial as the truth. And if after he denied it, you continued to ask, you're pretty much calling him a liar. If you don't trust him, why are you with him? This isn't just a twinge of jealousy, this is the kind of jealousy that tears marriages apart, because the more suspicious you get, the more he will try to hide even innocent things from you out of fear that you might get upset. You will sense he is hiding things (or find proof of it) and become even more suspicious.
It sounds like you might need a third party to help you both with this. A pastor or marriage counselor. Someone who can help you really understand and trust each other again.
08-04-2007, 01:57 PM
I wish it was just mindless jealousy...but it looks like he has been visiting a website with a bunch of nude pictures.
08-04-2007, 02:54 PM
I would recommend counseling all the more. I have a master's degree in psychology (developmental, not counseling), but I do know that relationship counseling works best in the early stages of a problem, before hurt feelings and defensiveness make communication and forgiveness impossible.
I wish you both the best.
08-04-2007, 03:02 PM
Thanks, all, for your support. It's nice to get a different take on things, and it's also nice to know I am not alone. I truly appreciate it.