[scrappychic]

Hello everyone. It's been awhile since I posted. When I was posting - I think it was May - I was having a hard time finding a meeting. I had gone twice and once it was the wrong meeting and the other time noon else came. I tried that meeting once more and still noone came. So I decided to try the one other meeting in town. Wouldn't you know, I walked in and the contact person from the web and I laughed - we knew each other! She was a work colleague of my husband's! Here I had been so disappointed about the other meetings, but it does turn out it was a God thing!

So I have been to 2 meetings and a conference on a Saturday. I know I belong here. I am working step 1. I struggle with it, but it is getting easier. I still hold on to some thoughts of - oh, if I was only stronger, if I wasn't so weak - I wouldn't eat like I do. It is hard to give up that control. And that self-loathing. It has been my companion for so long.

I also struggle a little bit because the whole thought of this being 'for life' scares the dickens out of me. And why wouldn't it? I don't want to hear that this will be a struggle for the rest of my life. Like Marne mentioned in one of her posts, it has always been the thought - I will lose the weight and then I will be happy. Who wants to find out that even when the weight is gone (IF ever) it will still be a struggle? It's almost overwhelming.

The woman I mentioned is sort of acting as my sponsor but we haven't actually given her that title. There are only a few of us at the meeting, and noone has been abstinent very long. (30 days) The woman had bullemia and it has been about 3 years since a purge, but she is also a compulsive overeater, so she struggles with that. I would like a sponsor who has more abstinence, but I don't know how to obtain that since there are none in my area. This woman did tell me to pick one food to abstain from, and I have chosen two - and it has been 7 days. However, I still feel nothing but guilt because I am eating other 'bad' things. I have not developed my food plan - and I don't know why. I am running kicking and screaming from it. I am getting a little better when I think about food - and thinking about the feelings, because I know they are associated.

I have also decided to not get on the scale. That is different - I have always, when 'dieting', gotten on the scale at least once a week. But I am of course, afraid of what it will say when I do get on, and I don't want it to depress me so much that I get out of control with my eating. So for now, I don't weigh. I want this to be about more than my 'weight'. So I refraining.

Thanks for listening. It's good to be back.

[kgb]

Hi

There are online meetings at therecoverygroup.org every three hours, this is also a great place to get a sponsor.

Good luck
KGB

[searsha]

Hi,
Welcome back to the forum and good to hear of your OA meeting success! As you say, there was a Higher Power working for you.

When my head starts to fight and struggle with the notion of ‘forever’ – and it happens me, regularly - I’m brought back to calmness by my programme which gently reminds me that I only have to make these changes just for this hour that I’m in. Tomorrow is not my problem.

Good luck with your sponsor quest – I’m in the same position, although I’m using several ‘temporary’ sponsors right now – guided by my intuition, I’m sensing good recovery in these women, they don’t have long term abstinence yet but again – for today – they are working good programmes.