Carb Counters - Hurtful Words

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07-01-2007, 11:36 AM
I cut and pasted this over from my blog, I'd love some feedback on this problem.

Some of you already know exactly how I feel about my dil, this is another incedent that happened on Friday evening.

Im doing alright, still hanging in and staying pretty close to plan. Yesterday we were invited to dinner at my stepson and dil (the dil I like!) The other dil was there, and informed me as to what a neighbour said to her about my weight. Not just to me personally, but to me with everyone sitting around the table. Angry doesnt even describe how I felt. I couldnt get the **** out of there fast enough. I know its just her way of digging to make herself feel better. She does it every chance she gets. But it was still extremely hurtful, and I have no doubt in my mind she knew it, but was hiding behind the "neighbours" words.

Ive left this until today to post about, because yesterday, I would certainly have had to put a warning on the title.

What can I say, she reminded me how much I dislike her, and why. Now it is something that I need to let go of, before I let it sabotage all my efforts. Its tough, Im not one to let things go easily, tend to let them fester. I can promise tho that I will never forget!

If anyone has some clever words for next time.....because there will be a next doubt, let me hear them. I'll be good........but only to a point. I hold my tongue because it is my husbands' son's wife......I keep the peace for that reason only. But Id still like to lay it on her in a nice way, that leaves absolutely no question as to how I feel about something she has just said. Im much more like my dad....when I get angry, stuff comes out uncensored, or I dont say anything at all. See my problem?

Anything you might have to offer would certainly be of help. Im over the intense hurt it caused, but Im still quite angry with her. .....yes I know its wasted emotion, and she isnt worth it. But....Im trying :^:

07-01-2007, 11:49 AM
Robin, I went to your blog and I couldn't figure out what she had said so I can't really say what my reply would have been. Either way, even if she was using the "neighbor's words" she should have kept her mouth shut. IMHO, she did this just to hurt you. My response most likely would have been "does it really make you feel better about yourself to discuss my wt. issues in front of other people?" That would probably shut her right up and let her know that in the future it wasn't a topic that you wished to discuss with her.

Like you, I tend to sometimes keep quiet and let stuff fester until I blow up. BTW, I'm really bad to hold a grudge.

07-01-2007, 12:03 PM
Here's my way of dealing with anger and hurt. Take it or leave it.

First of all, reporting how angry you feel to friends is a great first step. Now to the second step. In order, to get past the anger, I need to also allow myself to go deeper emotionally. I find that anger is only the first layer. Under the anger is deep hurt. Have you let yourself go to that place emotionally? And I don't mean that you say over and over again "That hurts me." I mean, going to the emotional place where hurt is: the tears. So, in other words, not just an intellectual process, but an emotional process. If you have great, if not, that's the next thing I recommend.

After that, I then look at what the person said, and I look at the exact words if possible. Then I ask myself if I have ever had those same thoughts about myself. ALWAYS, the answer is a resounding "Yes".

So, basically, I take back the hurtful words that came from out there from your dil and I own those words as my own hurtful words that I have flung at myself. That gives me the power to hand over that judgement to a Higher Power (what ever you might call it).

From over 10 years experience with this way of dealing with hurt and angry feelings, I can say without a doubt that things change in and outside myself. Your dil will show up differently. Try it and have your own experience. And let me know what your experience was.

07-01-2007, 12:15 PM
Robin, let me start by saying, I am sorry for your DIL and her hurtful words. I know that some people do not think before they speak. Also sometimes people feel they need to state their own interpertation of what someone else has said. I know that I used to let people say things to me that caused me pain. I decided whether it was intentional or not I would just cast my cares to a higher power and let the pain I felt go with it. This was the only way I could deal with it, without trying to get even with someone. It was difficult at first but now I find it much easier, and I realize that I will not give power away to the person who caused the hate to me. I hope this makes sense. I wish you peace in your heart.:hug:

07-01-2007, 12:18 PM
She obviously does these things because she knows she is hurting you. So, no matter how hard, don't let her have the control. Blow her off in person (you can anguish about it later, with your hubby). If she learns she has no control over you, she will eventually move on -- I know I had a mother in law like her. The subtleness was there with the comments but you knew underneath she was just trying to embarrass/offend you. You are a great mom for not blowing up at her for the sake of your son!!! You are definitely the better person. And, remember -- think about it this way -- if she someone who's opinion really matters to you (is the neighbor as well??)

07-01-2007, 02:50 PM
The worst thing you can do to a person who enjoys hurting people, is to laugh at them. If you say nothing, or lash back they've won, in their mind. They know they hit their mark.

07-01-2007, 05:41 PM
Ladies!! Thank you so much!! You all made me all teary again, but in a good way. Ive printed off your responses....because there are times I need to be reminded about all your wonderful advice.

Clykk~ to answer your questions....yes, I did the anger, then the hurt (crying) and then the truth. Its the releasing part that is a bit difficult. But Im getting there.

BecomingFit~ Thankyou, I keep reminding myself that Im the better person for keeping my mouth shut.

Shelby~ Thats exactly why she does it. I had talked to dh about this. Since my mil passed away....dil hasnt been able to report back to me all the negative comments she has heard. She did it all the time with mil....what ever was said, she made a bee-line to my door to fill me in on what was said about me. I finally told her, I didnt care what mil had to say, and Id appreciate she kept the information to herself. This is the first time she has had the chance in almost 2 yrs. I really think she enjoyed it!

No she isnt someone that matters to me, and neither is the neighbour :)

Lily~ :hug:

Kaplods~ no I didnt laugh, I was just too was everyone else sitting at the table.

Thanks again ladies, you are the best!

07-01-2007, 07:03 PM
Robin I'm sitting here grinding my teeth. That makes me sooooo angry. Next time that moron says anything infront of others, turn the table on her and ask her if she enjoys embarassing you infront of others, and if she enjoys hurting people. Even saying that to her in the lightest way will make her look and feel like the biggest jerk that she really is. It'll put everyone's focus on her and take away what she had said about you. What a witch.

What in the world does your DH say about all this? maybe he should tell her to shut the heck up. Tell DH if he doesn't stop her then you will next time.

Don't let her ruin your hard work because thats exactly what she wants to happen. Get mad girl, don't get sad.

I'm sorry she did that to you..... want me pop her tires? :s: jk


07-01-2007, 08:14 PM
I would say as calmly and as unconcerned as I possibly could,"Why did you think it necessary to repeat that remark to me?" I f she makes her own , unkind, nasty remark, again remaining calm , "why do you find it necessary to {hurt, embarrass , humiliate , whatever suits the occaision} me?"

07-01-2007, 09:21 PM
Thankyou, Leenie and bargoo, this sounds like exactly what I should say. Lets hope I remember next time it happens. Its been almost 2 yrs since its happened before. She used to love coming to me with things my mil used to say about me. Since she passed, she hasnt had any fodder to use to hurt or embarrass me.

As for what dh says about it.....because of his mother, he has gotten very good at letting things go in one ear and out the other. But after seeing how upset I was, and having to listen to my tirade when we got home, he seen the damage it did and understood quite well how it made me feel. I also told him how upset I was that he or my stepson didnt speak up and put a stop to what was being said. Im grateful that he understands how I feel about her.

07-01-2007, 10:20 PM
The assertive way is how to deal with it. Look her straight in the eye, say "Hey honey, I KNOW I'm fat. I deal with it every day. You certainly aren't telling me anything new. So WHY do you feel you need to point it out? Are you just trying to hurt me? If so WHY do you have the need to be so spiteful?"

07-01-2007, 10:44 PM
I think it's time for your husband to speak to his son. Not that he has control over his wife, but I would never "allow" my husband to speak to my mother that way and, if it's habitual from her -- son should have a chat with her about respecting you -- I can only imagine what she says to him -- I would assume he's pretty sick of the comments by now too!!!

07-01-2007, 11:23 PM
Robin, I've thought about this a lot and I probably would have said "well, I'm sure you agreed with the neighbor so I don't care". "BTW, I heard someone call you a Bi--h the other day, but I didn't feel it was necessary to bring it up in front of everyone".

07-01-2007, 11:29 PM
lillybelle - that's great... I love it!

Here's another comeback that works for numerous situations when dealing with some of the ultra rude people of the world. Just look at her calmly and say with a little smile, "Well, gee. It must be really nice to be perfect like you." That ought to shut her up.

Ms Spotdog
07-02-2007, 12:46 AM
Robin- *big hug*, sweetie. Some people just suck, don't they?

Arkansas Kel
07-02-2007, 02:08 AM
OK, 1st - the best advice I ever got. You can't control what others do, you can control what you do.

2nd - 2nd best advice I ever got. Don't let the devils get you down.

And finally, I did at work overhear a collegue that views me in an unflattering light talking about me and not nicely. She was commenting on how I talk to myself. Yep, I sure do. So I pointed out "is that all you got? I'm short, fat, and have freckles too!" I am competition for this woman. That's why she talks about me that way. In some way that DIL resents you. That means in some way you are besting her. Forget it. She can't hurt you. It's just words. If you are fat you are fat. So what. I am too. And I hear that I talk to myself. If you can find the strength to hold your chin up and not let the devils get you down, and I know it's not easy, then you are better and stronger than her little comments. To tell you the truth, I probably would have said "yep, I'm fat, how smart of you to notice. I would have never guessed had you not pointed it out! I can lose weight though, so what will you do about being so rude?"

Hugs and best wishes.

07-02-2007, 12:15 PM

Someone once told me family will hurt you quicker than anyone...sad but true! Reminds me of somthing said to me by my ex-husband's SIL. I was in the SIL's sister's wedding. At the time, I weighed 245 lbs. At the rehearsal, in the church, in front of the minister, the bridal party & my wonderful husband...the minster asked the SIL's sister "In what order do you want the girls to come down the aisle?" I was simply standing there, minding my own business when the SIL pipes up and says "I think Kim should go first since she is the shortest & the fattest!!" While I was completely stunned, there stood my husband, never said 1 word in my defense. Now you know why he's an ex!:smug:

On a happier note...I ran into this SIL one day in the grocery store and had lost about 90 lbs at that time...she did a double take! It was priceless! I use people & experiences like that as part of my motivation. Revenge can be very sweet!!;)

Hang In There:hug:


07-02-2007, 01:31 PM
I didn't mean to be glib, I just meant that when you deal with her in the future, a big ol' smile on your face while you do it, will cut her down a peg more efficiently than anger. And YOU will start to look at her in that light, someone who isn't smart enough or confident enough to act like an adult, and who is worthy of pity and amusement, but not respect.

07-02-2007, 03:25 PM
Oh no Colleen, I didnt think you were being glib at all. :hug:

In some way that DIL resents you. That means in some way you are besting her.
Kel, this is something I have thought of myself. There are times she mimicks me, and my ideas as her own....even coming out with comments that I had said a week before. All said as if they were her ideas, and her decisions. For the life of me, I dont know what the heck it is she finds so fascinating, yet hates at the same time. I do my darndest to stay away from her, and only talk when I need to.

Lily, I am going to have to remember that!! I like it!

Kim~ unbelievable!!! But I would have loved to have seen her face when she seen you with 90lbs gone!

I plan to dig my heels in, and get this weight off. It might be too late to say anything, but many lbs gone is a wonderful thing to rub in her face :D Especially when she struggles with the same issues. Nasty isnt it, but Im not feeling very gracious :(

07-02-2007, 05:11 PM
That's a relief. I talk about a mile a minute, and sometimes I post that way too. I never know when I've stuck my foot in my mouth (keyboard?)