[CyberGypsy]

We most of you know i had moved in with my son 2 weeks ago, now his fiancee moved in to and seems like i am cooking for them 3 times a day, I have not gained any weight BUT as of tomorrow....I will not do that much cooking...One cooked meal a day....no more...my sons going on Atkins tomorrow, he needs to lose about 20 Lbs, so I am going to stick too it............

[boaterswife]

Good for you, stick to it! If he's old enough to have a girlfriend move in, then he's old enough to feed himself, you don't need to be the resident chef!

[bargoo]

Kelly said it all!

[CyberGypsy]

thanks ladies i have washed dishes by hand 3 times today, she did not even ask to help....her 2 day here...ughhhh

[jennylou]

Originally Posted by CyberGypsy

thanks ladies i have washed dishes by hand 3 times today, she did not even ask to help....her 2 day here...ughhhh

Did your son offer?

[kaplods]

The only way to work out a fair devision of chores is to work it out, and that means all three of you getting together and discussing EVERYONE'S expectations and preferences for the division of all of the chores. As adults, a chore rotation, doing the chores each likes best, or fend for yourself rules are all legitimate choices, but you have to discuss them, or one or all of you are going to resent the others.

[KylieH]

Kaplods is right on the money. Just because you're his mother, doesn't mean you're their cook and maid!

[kaplods]

Just wanted to clarify that I'm not assuming that the son or fiance are necessarily intentionally taking advantage. My point was that none of you can read minds, and as adults that are living together you have to talk to each other to communicate your expectations and wishes. Or you all will resent each other for one reason or another.

I doubt (though it is possible) that both your son and his fiance are extremely selfish and love having free maid service. But, there are alot of other reasons they may be allowing it without jumping in to help. Perhaps the misguided belief that you love doing it, perhaps - or a feeling that you've taken over because you don't believe they can handle it, or that because you never asked for help that you didn't want any, or they may just be a little dense, or a thousand other reasons none of which you will know or be able to work through if you don't communicate together.

[rockinrobin]

Not only would I make sure that they do their fair share of the workload, either helping with the cooking or the clean up, but hello .... how about the shopping for the groceries. Or at least the MONEY for it. I really think you need to set up some ground rules - and QUICK, before this gets out of hand and they are accustomed to it. The sooner you make some rules the better.

You have every right to be annoyed. Speak up. You are in the right here.

[CyberGypsy]

Originally Posted by jennylou

Did your son offer?

he was working 12 hour shift.....

[lynn23c]

I gotta say, I don't think the 12 hour shift is a good excuse. That still leaves time in the day he can do his share of chores, and the fiancee needs to chip in, too. Lots of people work long hours. It requires planning, but chores can be done on that kind of shift.

Definitely do what Colleen suggests: everyone get together and work out a chore schedule/assignment. Heck, make a chart if you have to, but you're not the maid!

-Lynn

[kaplods]

Yikes, from some responses I wonder if I've missed some posts about your living arrangements. But, as I remember it, you've moved in to help him with the mortgage (by help, and with him working 12 hour shifts, I'm assuming you don't mean pay it all, and all household expenses as well). I don't remember any negative posts before this about how things were going living with him, so I did assume that the situation was positive for you both. My take was that three adults, related or not, need to discuss what everyone expects, and how to live together while managing the responsibilities of the house. Whether or not you are being taken advantage of, and whether or not you should have all or most of the "say" in how rules are determined depend on a lot of things I don't remember you mentioning (not that any of us need to know).

Adults living together, related or not, can be great, but also a big giant pain in the tuckus.

I know when I was 10 and my grandparents moved in with us, the first few months (Mom might say years) were pretty tough. From what I understood, they did contribute some to family expenses, but very little because they had moved in because they couldn't afford to live alone on Social Security (they'd been the working poor all of their lives). Still, there was alot of arguing between my mother and grandmother over how things "should" be done, as Mom thought she should run the household stuff because it was "her" house, and Grandma thought she should run it because she was Mom's mother and was still owed the respect. (Mostly the menfolk, and us kids just tried to stay out of their way during the power struggles).


When I moved back in with my parents while going to grad school, (I paid them the same rent I had been paying for my prior apartment, but they covered utilities except for long distance phone calls, and I helped with groceries and housechores), we had to have several conversations over expectations. Not because any of us were intentionally acting selfishly,
but because we all had made assumptions about the "new" relationship. I was working full time and going to graduate school full time, so my social life on the weekends was just about nil. My parents assumed that I would be available to babysit my youngest sisters without any advanced warning, and on every weekend, and the line between adult tenant and daughter were fuzzy for both of us. That, and a lot of other expectations on both sides, had to be renegotiated (sometimes with each of us feeling taken advantage of at the same time).

When my brother and his wife visited from out of state for three weeks, they were absolute pigs. Mom didn't say a thing, but after they left, ranted and raved about what a pig the daughter-in-law had been and what a horrible influence she'd had on her dear son, who'd NEVER been that inconsiderate before (ok, did she forget that when he was in jr and sr high school, she would send ME in to clean his room because he wouldn't do it, and that I would pull out from under his bead banana and orange peels and fossilized bowls of cereal that I could pick up by the spoon - oh and being a dutiful daughter I reminded her of it - uh oh, didn't go over so well. Living in her home, I was obligated to agree with her that DIL was the sole villain, oops my mistake).

I've also had my share of roommates (heck even my husband, now) who have had different ideas on how (and how to avoid) chores, financial obligations and responsibilities should be divided. I know firsthand how two people can live together, BOTH thinking they are doing the lion's share of the burdens and being taken advantage of by the other (Hubby and I had recent "conversation" on that one - turned out we both were wrong - and right).

I'm not saying that any of this at all applies to your situation, but there are factors that we don't know, that could be influencing the household dymamic. How much effort and money are each of the "kids" in the situation putting toward maintaining the house including, but also aside from kitchen duties? Is having you there, putting your son or even fiance in "kid" mode intentionally or not (is either behaving more in accordance with what was expected of them when they were living at home as children, than that of an adult homeowner and expectant husband and wife?) Are the mortgage, household expenses, chores and rules being shared equitably, if not equally?...

Obviously, none of that is important to anyone but you three, just stresses the need that an adult conversation and negotiation should be attempted before a dictatorship is imposed (and who gets to be dictator is determined).

[CyberGypsy]

yea, 1 week later she moved in,,,,,i love her but she works and gos to college, so mpney is tight, I will talk to them this weekend when they are both off

[glynne]

I work 12 hour shifts, and in defense of that kind of schedule, I find it hard to get much of anything done around the house until my days off. There is just only about enough time to come home from work, go to sleep, get up and get things ready to go to work, leave and go to work. Come home and do it all over again. Then catch up on my days off. Probably not the ideal situation, but there is only so much time and energy.

[CyberGypsy]

Maybe i will make a clean up day on their days off for now i am on strike,,,,,Lean cuisine for the next week will keep you updated