okay please no-one be offended by this rant i have off days too and sometimes i overeat when i shouldn't be like 2,500 calories (thats the same as my dad :o ) but i need to rant about my friend.
she is as big as i was at my starting weight (around 200 pounds before joining 3fc) and she like me is trying to lose weight. sadly she isnt trying her idea of a healthy day is this (i know because i had to stay with her for a week)
BREAKFAST 2 slices of buttered toast with jam or chocolate spread and a bowl of cereal
LUNCH a cheese sandwich (white bread and mayonaise) with crisps and a chocolate bar
DINNER (this is when she starts to "diet") vegetable stir fry (wait for it)
with deep fried thin cut chips ("there homemade that makes them
then every night she would have a cup of tea or hot chocolate with buiscuits and/or ice cream. i must say i ate what she ate for 4 days of staying wih her (politeness) and i put on a pound a pound in 4 days
now i understand that you may think she isn't that bad but last saturday when we were camping she said this
"me and clare have been trying to lose weight together."few comments from unaware friends "but its so easy for clare she must have a quick metabolism but its so much harder for me" now i bit my tongue at that time as we were having a funtime in the caravan. but now i need to let it out.
EASY!? EASY!? Where does she get off saying this was EASY i have spent ages counting calories, fat grams, protein and carbs and she says it's easy because "i have a fast metabolism" she needs to get a £^*&%!* reality check!! does she think i just continued to eat the same and the fat just dissolved into the air!!! and how exactly is a diet that involves crisps chocolate and white bread (god white bread i would kill for that) EVERYDAY hard!!!!!! I've tried talking to her about it but she said (something which i follow too) "You have to pick a diet you can stick with for life" I'm quite happy to stick with my diet giving myself the occasional treat or slice of white bread. But I was talking to her on msn this morn and she said "i dunno clare i think i might be my perfect weight, my body just wants to stay where it is" and i feel so bad but i agreed with her, you want to know why? i cannot try and be diet buddies with a person who just dosen't want to try to lose. She knows about calories and daily limits but decides to not get "bogged down with that stuff" and now i feel bad for doing something that in the long run will be damaging to her health because she was annoying me. does anyone know what i should do? should i leave her be? should i try and tell her again how i lost weight? should i create a diet plan for her? because sadly sometimes seeing her the way she is makes me sorta not wanna lose weight myself because her attitude rubs off.
05-31-2007, 11:32 AM
She will not lose weight until she WANTS to.She apparently is not motivated enough to lose weight. I would stay friends with her, if it doesn't cause you too much stress,other then that I would stop worrying about her,. Take care of yourself.You are not responsible for her health.
05-31-2007, 11:39 AM
Ah yes, I think most of us have had similar issues! In my experiences, I have to say that trying to make regular buddies into diet buddies just doesn't work. One person will inevitably be more committed and do better, and then the other person will become resentful and jealous and that will hurt the friendship (I'm pretty sure she's making all these comments about your "fast metabolism" to justify to herself why she's not losing).
If you want to stay friends with this girl, keep the diet talk to 3FC.
05-31-2007, 11:41 AM
You've been a great friend, you've tried to help her out. However, she is going to think what she wants -- she's in denial and is probably a bit jealous that you have lost weight -- I don't think she has a clue what a challenge every day is for you. If you want to stay friends, fine but I would make it quite clear to her that diet/lifestyle changes are a tabbo (sp?) topic. You are obviously in two different places right now. If she ever decides to actually try -- you are there for here.
05-31-2007, 12:08 PM
I see where you coming from. :( It's pretty much aggravating, and not only does it force us to tread on eggs, it also belittles our own efforts and committment ('fast metabolism' my a...--how did we put on all that weight, again?). I must admit I can't blame you for not encouraging her to stick to it, since she doesn't seem to be ready to make the needed changes, and could even contribute to keep your header under the water (cf. the 4 days you ate the same as her). But then, I tend to have a hard time with people who moan but do nothing, probably because I used to be that way as well a few years ago, so I may just be kind of... hardcore on that point. (And now I hope I am not offending anyone here!)
BREAKFAST 2 slices of buttered toast with jam or chocolate spread and a bowl of cereal
I think I've just thrown up in my mouth a little (chocolate and butter don't mix up at all for me). But thanks, because I was craving a bretzel while not being hungry at all, and now the craving is gone and I'm definitely positive I am NOT hungry. :D
05-31-2007, 12:20 PM
Well, I can understand your frustration, but you need to take responsibility for it - there's nothing forcing YOU, out of 'politeness' or anything else, to put the same things in your mouth as she does, whether you are staying with her or not - that pound is there because of what you ate, not what she ate. Only YOU can stand up for YOU, and you've come so far already, don't let your slip give you the wrong focus.
Frankly, I wouldn't consider your actions those of a 'good friend' - and neither are hers. She's quite simply NOT in the same place as you are, and it isn't going to kill the friendship to simply say to her: "You know what? It ISN'T easy for me, and I work REALLY hard at losing weight. But you and I are not losing following the same plan, so I wish you luck, but I'm going to have to just focus on my own weight loss."
Just ignore her (in this context, not as a friend) - maybe she'll lose weight and maybe she won't. YOU have, YOU will. And for heaven's sake - don't EAT with her! ;)
And I mean that - you have done SO well! I'm sorry if what I am saying seems harsh, but we are all responsible only for ourselves.
05-31-2007, 01:42 PM
I feel your pain. When I started really getting into dieting and trying to go to the gym, I convinced my best friend to join also. We promised we would go together at least 3 times a week, if not more. Well the first 3 times she bailed out on me before I started to get really mad. The next time she showed up and spent 10 minutes walking on the treadmill before she said she was too tired. She' hasn't been back since. She is STILL paying $35 a month in gym membership and it's been over 2 years since she's been there! I tried so hard, but I'm better off doing it alone than with someone who can't motivate you. By the way, she spends ALL of her free time sleeping, eating, and watching tv. But she still complains on a daily basis about how big she is. Go figure!
06-01-2007, 08:10 PM
I guess I can understand where the both of you are coming from....
A little while back, I literally was your friend...I would BRAG about eating two slices of white buttered toast, because as far as I was concerned, I was doing well! I was coming from eating FOUR slices of white buttered toast, so I felt I deserved to praised.
It's a hard road and it's good that you care about your friend, but maybe you could sit her down and have a heart to heart - does she have anyone else in her life that could be negatively influencing her eating habits? The fact that she seems quite fickle about her weight loss (or lack thereof) could mean that she is somewhat conflicted about the road she should be taking.
Maybe she is just out of motivation (I can totally relate)...sometimes it takes a new approach to an old problem to resolve it. She may REALLY want to lose weight - she probably just doesn't know how. Few people can completely change their eating habits overnight. Help her out, do some research into other eating plans and maybe she'll find one she can realistically adhere to. Hope this helps!
06-01-2007, 08:48 PM
I would let it be, when she is really ready she will ask for help, until then just dont feel you have to go off your plan to be polite
06-02-2007, 01:02 AM
I had a co-worker who noticed I was losing weight and asked me if I was dieting. So then she wanted to "challenge" me to a weight loss contest. ::sigh:: Why do some people think their health is a game? Anyway, she started by saying the one who lost the least each week would put $X into a jar. I kept claiming poverty and she kept reducing the amount. Finally she got the hint and stopped trying to make this monetary, just asked that we track our progress and keep a chart. So I went ahead and agreed to that. It lasted about 5 months. At the end of the 5 months, I was down something like 30 pounds...she was up 10. Now pardon me, it may be cruel, but not if you knew the person I was dealing with...so...BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Anyway, I ended up finding someone more my size, someone really wanting to exercise, and just stopped hanging out with the other girl who sabotaged herself and wanted to sabotage me.
EVERYTHING I did, she TRIED to do. Ok, I take a light yogurt for a snack. She brings yogurt. I mean, if you can call that foo foo stuff with the side of sprinkles and candy crapola yogurt...she brought that. I talked about how I ate oatmeal for breakfast most mornings. I was fixing plain oats using just water and Stevia. She bought those flavored packets with the sugar and fruit and everything under the sun and would mix up 3 or 4 packs before lunch time. The worst of it was, she was SNEAKING food in her office. She would hide what she got for lunch and bring it into her office and eat it...we'd SEE the stuff later, we'd hear the bags rattling behind her door. Then she'd CLAIM she hadn't eaten all day or only had that "yogurt" earlier. Dunno how the sub wrapper ended up in her trash. Why do people do that to themselves? Did she really think she was fooling everyone else? Or was she just trying to fool herself?
Man, I didn't mean to get on my own rant on that one. But people like that, I try to stay clear of anymore. She's still trying. Just spoke to my old workout buddy and the other gal actually did the Rock -n- Race run again this year. They didn't have an ambulance pacing her this time at least. But she still hasn't lost a pound. Exercise or eating alone isn't going to get it. She's gotta do both. She's just not ready to give in on the food.
06-02-2007, 05:21 AM
It's really sad because a lot of people simply don't know how to eat- especially when all the know it alls around them just tell them to eat less! A hallmate's girlfriend used to constantly tell me when I was eating grilled salmon and steamed veggies while everyone else was eating pizza that all I had to do was eat less of everything and all would be well. This worked for her father so obviously this would work for me. :lol: Everyone in her family was what I would consider underweight, except for her dad who (from pictures I'd seen of his before weight) just lost a bit of a belly. This was coming from a girl whose boyfriend bragged about how she only weighed 85 pounds to anyone who could not run out of the room fast enough! Maybe your friend is eating less than she ate before and just doesn't know what she's putting into her body! I never would have realized how many empty calories I was consuming by buttering my toast (and grits, and sandwiches, and vegetables) before I started counting calories!
What I really hate are people who are given every opportunity to do right and STILL screw up! My roommate last year (my freshman year of college) was one of those people. She weighed around 260 and was 5'5ish and got gastric bypass over winter break. She decided before the surgery that she did not "need" to follow the doctor regimented diet. Her mom had the surgery before and only did the diet for a few days so obviously that meant that my roommate didn't have to do it at all! After the surgery, she filled up our fridge with all her food (about 5 kinds of cheese) and that's all she ate for 2 months. Then she started eating things that she knew she shouldn't such as ice cream. At least once a week she would be up all night moaaaaning and cryyyyying in bed (which was about 3 feet from my bed) after she had a scoop of ice cream. Afterwards she'd swear she'd never do it again- but she always would. Not to mention she'd sit there pigging out on chips in lieu of a protein filled meal.
She would constantly whine about how she wasn't losing weight at the rate she should be and how her mom paid $38,000 for the surgery so she can't blow it- but she did blow it. I haven't seen her in a month but last I heard from other friends who live near her, when they last saw her she was complaining about how she only lost 2 pounds in the past month- and she's only 5 months post op!
Sorry.. just had to get that off my chest. :P I swear it's a miracle that I didn't gain any weight in that room because at the rate I was stress eating by the end of the year due to her just being a horribly screwed up and mean person, I should have gained 20 pounds! I actually probably did... I didn't weigh myself all year but I felt as if I had lost some weight at the end of 1st semester but feel as if I put it all back on. :(
06-02-2007, 10:39 AM
I'm back because I had another thought-- I think it's important to not be too hard on her. It's very frustrating when we want someone to get healthier and they don't make a real effort, but I know that there were many times when my friends and I would try to lose weight and I just would not be able to stick with it. We all may be feeling superior now because we're actually working at it and losing, but we all got to the point where we had to lose because we were right where she is now.
06-02-2007, 03:40 PM
I agree and feel bad for people who really want to/should lose weight and don't. I just wish people who aren't really even trying would admit it and accept that they are not going to lose weight overeating and not exercising. Not everyone who is overweight is on a diet, but I think some feel guilty that they should be and aren't so they "pretend" to everyone around them. I think a lot of people want to be thinner but just aren't ready or in the mind set yet to work on it. So, if you are still "waiting" for the right moment, don't fake it and do not make me feel guility if I'm trying really hard and it's working!!!
06-02-2007, 03:51 PM
I think there's a difference in there though. I've tried losing weight many many many times. I was happy with the weight I lost, miserable when I gained it back. But when I was dieting, I WAS dieting, I WAS losing. I wasn't complaining about how I wasn't losing and lying to myself that I was doing all I could.
There's differences in dieters. There are those who yo yo diet, most of us do that. There are those who complain but never diet. Those who complain and swear they are dieting but really aren't (those we're talking about here). And those that finally something clicks and they diet for good.
I guess what I have a problem with is the ones lying to themselves...and everyone else. Either you are or you aren't dieting. If you're not and complaining about your weight, that's a complaint, but you're not lying to yourself, not trying to deceive. If you're trying and not losing, you complain...its only natural. But it gets to me too...the complaints coupled with the lies. Even complaints get to anyone if people hear them long enough but the complainer never does anything about it.
06-02-2007, 04:13 PM
Even complaints get to anyone if people hear them long enough but the complainer never does anything about it
Omg, the complaints!! Must join this group vent. I know this person who has been 'on the diet' for the past ten YEARS and NEVER does it and complains ALL The time about her weight/clothes/health/appearance. What makes it worse is she asks for support then gets mad with people who actually try to point her in the right direction...I figure if she chooses to stay fat that's her decision but then she should not complain about it all the time, or look for other people to sort it out for her. Phew. I feel better (breeeeathe...). Looks like a lot of us health-conscious folks have this experience:^:
06-03-2007, 06:06 PM
I used to be on another board and there was one poster who I am sure is a nice person but drove me nuts. She had a knee problem and would always post as if the other posters were going to do it for her. It would irk me too because she was home all day long and could do what she wanted (although she did have a baby) but after a long hard day of working and commuting and I would get home exhausted and now I had to work out for a while and eat a healthy dinner -- the last thing I wanted to see was a rant by someone who just didn't seem to seriously want to lose.
I would also get angry because so many on the boards would *support* her when I would like that support too. But they were all so preoccupied listening to her. It would irk me.
I left the board but still look in and she hasn't lost it.
06-03-2007, 07:45 PM
My sister just found out she is diabetic. She needs to lose weight. I have been on a diet and have lost weight and I guess she is jealous because she makes remarks like:
"When I lose weight, I am going to lose it slow so my face doesn't look old."
"When I lose weight, I am going to lose it slow so my skin doesn't hang."
I just want to say: "You think I am an old hag with skin hanging"
I tried reminded her that it took me 6 months to lose the first 50 pounds and another 5 pounds to lose 10. It is not like the weight just fell off.
I am 5 years older then her and of course I look older.
Now I have rant. I feel alittle better.
06-04-2007, 05:28 PM
I've had so many periods like this where I've beat myself up over little or no weight loss, knowing that I was sabotaging myself as well as allowing others to sabotage me.
When I joined SW way back when, my mother joined too for "moral support" - all she ended up doing (which just got on my last nerve) was NOT following the eating plan for 5 days and then doing something drastic like drinking nothing but replacement meal shakes for the last two days! A couple of times she did lose more weight than me (on a weekly basis), but the minute she saw that I was following the plan and getting results, she'd start sabotaging me.
After a while it got to me so much that I left the group ... all of the people I told that I was enduring a 'life change' were like "how come you're still big?" My mother actually stayed at the group and even managed to get to the consultant! Before I even got a chance to "leave", he said "it's probably best. Your mother has explained that you binge on chips and sweets, so I don't feel that you are ready to change your life." All lies, but since he'd already decided to believe her over me, I didn't bother explaining.
All my life I had my entire family down my throat about my weight ALL THE TIME! Even when I was half this size, I was fat to them! I don't even know how I survived living there...Looking back, my mother is probably the very last person I'd take nutritional advice from and it's easy to see where my yo-yo dieting stems from. As a kid, I was in an environment that did not encourage exercise or healthy eating (my mother was a caterer).
The minute I moved out, I felt like I was finally free. It's still hard not to grab the junk food when I'm down, but I'm getting there. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I've spent half my life "on a diet", and it's easy for onlookers to assume "I'm not ready", but they don't know what I've been through - I've been ready! It's wrong to belittle others' hard work and success, but consider for a moment that these people may be in severe denial as a result of their own personal weight - related trauma. Give them time to reach their "click moment".
A lot of people have told me since that I should've just "ignored her comments"...How was I supposed to when she'd (and other members of my family) been doing it all my life? Even my doctors? I swear, if it wasn't for this site and the internet in general, I probably would still be trapped in my own personal ****.
GrandmaBetty, the next time your sister says something like that, you should say: "Good luck with that. Let me know if you need any help"
My older sister is "better" than me (a belief well festered by my mother. Our relationship is cold at best), because she is a size 10 (UK) and maintains her figure through excessive chain smoking. No one in my family ever told her to stop smoking. As long as she's skinny (skinny=healthy), she's fine, right?? Only fat people get lung cancer after all. :mad:
06-04-2007, 07:07 PM
My sister is considered the pretty one. Years ago we both were separated from our husbands. My mom told me to my face that my sister would find another man in no time because she is pretty. :mad:
Thank God, He healed my marriage. Hubby and I have been back together for 17 years and it has been the happiest of our 37 year marriage.
You hang in there. You will do good and lose the weight. We are not in a race with anyone. We will lose our rate and we will feel better for it.
06-04-2007, 08:54 PM
Seriously, what is up with some parents??? :?:
That was such a mean thing to say, so glad you guys proved her wrong!
06-04-2007, 09:15 PM
I know my mom loves me. But when I was growing up, we often locked horns. I remind her to much of her baby sister, whom she had a good/bad relationship.
I am happy to say my sister did find a good man, but it took longer then we expected.
I am also thankful that God has blessed my marriage.
06-05-2007, 04:58 AM
I think everyone who's ever lost weight knows someone like your friend... there's always the bigger girl who's jealous you've lost it and has to assume it was "easier" for you than her in order to make her feel better about herself.
My sister is touchy because she had joined WW and we discussed our weight and I went and joined also. I've lost about 35 lbs in six months, and she's lost none, probably gained, so she's always putting in sly comments about how it's easy for me because I'm single...
I think if you want a diet/exercise buddy, find like-minded people online (that's what I did, and we train together and are good friends now), and keep the diet talk away from your old friend.