General chatter - How to move on from an ex who you're still really close to?




HarpoChicoGroucho
05-30-2007, 03:25 PM
My ex boyfriend and I broke up a couple of months ago -- we have remained VERY close. We still hang out, sleep over at each other's places, kiss, hug, hold hands, etc (nothing past PG-13 though -- we're both still members of the V club). Neither of us have really moved on and let go -- but we just can't work in a relationship because we both have issues we have to work on before we could have a healthy relationship. We always said we would eventually get back together, but that was really inhibiting from even attempting to move on, because I had that in the back of my mind, so I finally had to say, "we have no romantic future together." It did help a bit, because I did begin to start thinking about other guys. He started looking around to date fairly soon after we broke up -- and I just started dating again a couple of weeks ago. But I'm still not over him -- we've tried cutting out the physical side of our friendship, but sometimes we just can't keep our hands of each other and it always reverts to us remaining "friends with (limited) benefits." I am just having a hard time letting go and moving on. I just want to end up being with him. And us never seeing each other again isn't an option, because he's the most important person in my life, and the thought of never seeing him again is devastating to me. I wouldn't have any problem with holding on to him -- but it's not fair to any guy I date because I'm still hung up on an ex. I'd feel terrible if I led someone on :( I should have asked this BEFORE I started dating again -- because I know I'm not ready, and to be embarrassingly honest, a part of me started dating again just to make him jealous. But the main reason was to begin to move on, but it's not working. So now I'm in a bigger mess, because I'm seeing a wonderful man that I absolutely have no feelings for whatsoever, and he seems to like me very much. And I'm so evil that I'm still exploring other potential relationships. I had the thought that maybe I just haven't met another guy I can connect to, so I shouldn't let any opportunites slip away. That's awful, I know. I haven't even been dating for a year yet (my first date was August last year), so can I blame my ignorance to my inexperience? :^:


nelie
05-30-2007, 03:34 PM
Honestly,
Being friends isn't working for you, dating isn't working for you, I think you need to cut him out completely and try to move on. It is hard, I know. I've been in a quasi similar situation before (more than once) and it hurt to move on but cutting myself off completely is really what I needed to move on with my life.

Edit - Wanted to add that I've only really dated friends before and it does hurt to have someone you are close to become someone you date and then to have to seperate yourself entirely. It changes the dynamic of your relationship though so there is no way to go back to how you were before you started dating.

tsinitia
05-30-2007, 03:51 PM
I'm not exactly sure what part of your relationship with this man makes him your "ex". He is the most important person in your life...you still have a physical relationship with him...You want to be with each other. Am I missing something here? I may not be a relationship expert, peaches, but he sounds very much like your "current". :)

Instead of asking how you move on from him, you might want to try asking if you want to move on from him.


shelby897
05-30-2007, 03:55 PM
Just wondering why you can't date him because you have issues to work on before you can have a healthy relationship but you are able to date others? Are you both sure you are "done" with each other? However, I do agree that if you truly don't want to/can't end up together, no matter how miserable it will make you, you have to "cut the ties" -- the two of you have too much history to try to remain friends and it will only take away energy you need to try to start over again.

Puncezilla
05-30-2007, 04:09 PM
And I'm so evil that I'm still exploring other potential relationships. I had the thought that maybe I just haven't met another guy I can connect to, so I shouldn't let any opportunites slip away.
I dont think its awfull at all , You should date as many guys as you want for as long as you want till you find the right one.

As for your "friend" if you cant cut him out competely maybe you should take a break from your friendship untill the feelings you have for him go away. I think by continuing to hang out with him you'r just prolonging the inevitable.

HarpoChicoGroucho
05-30-2007, 09:41 PM
Honestly,
Being friends isn't working for you, dating isn't working for you, I think you need to cut him out completely and try to move on. It is hard, I know. I've been in a quasi similar situation before (more than once) and it hurt to move on but cutting myself off completely is really what I needed to move on with my life.

Edit - Wanted to add that I've only really dated friends before and it does hurt to have someone you are close to become someone you date and then to have to seperate yourself entirely. It changes the dynamic of your relationship though so there is no way to go back to how you were before you started dating.

:cry: I really need him -- he's been my support system for the past 6 months. I just can't bear the thought of not having him in my life.

Just wondering why you can't date him because you have issues to work on before you can have a healthy relationship but you are able to date others? Are you both sure you are "done" with each other? However, I do agree that if you truly don't want to/can't end up together, no matter how miserable it will make you, you have to "cut the ties" -- the two of you have too much history to try to remain friends and it will only take away energy you need to try to start over again.

Well, our issues are similar, and they just add to the stress and difficulties of said issues. We really unitentionally exacerbate them -- ours issues combined are destructive. And you're absolutely right -- I've never been able to sustain a healthy relationship because of my issues (neither has he). They have ended every solitary one of them. But I'm lonely, and I'm still trying to find that white knight that will save my poor soul.

~~

:( I know I can't break ties with him -- it would send me on a massive downward spiral. I just wish we could have met after we both had some therapy, and then we would have been PERFECT for each other. But we're both so stubborn, so I doubt we'll ever be able to reconcile a romance. It's just so hard.

We have a wedding we're going to in August -- we've already RSVP'd -- so I'm going to at least give a lot of thought to it and decide after the wedding. Maybe we'll have an epiphany while we're dancing in each other's arms and realize that we belong together -- the issues and all. But I'm not naive enough to actually believe that -- it's just a little fantasy. The more probable scenario is that we get drunk and have sex. And then everything will be even more complicated. But I doubt that will happen either.

Thanks for the advice everyone! :)

nelie
05-30-2007, 10:08 PM
I wish you the best and I know its hard but until you let him go or decide to work out the issues together in a relationship, then you are going to be in limbo and I don't think you'll be able to date anyone else while you are in that limbo.

Unfortunately life isn't easy but given what you've described, I can't imagine you dating someone else successfully until you let go completely.

shelby897
05-30-2007, 10:40 PM
I wish you the best of luck, I'm not sure if you two are ready to call it quits yet!!!:) Unfortunately, I think it's easier to break ties when someone does something horrible to the other person -- you two sound like you just feel that it isn't going to work. Don't try too hard to replace him -- the right man will come along when you least expect it (maybe at the wedding??!! :dizzy: ) and I think then you will know it's right and your "best friend" can either become just that or you will be ready to let him go.

Good luck!!!

sockmonkey70
05-30-2007, 10:55 PM
Well being the romantic that I am..I feel like those similar "issues" should help bring you closer together. Who needs a therapists if you guys understand perfectly what the other is going through?

It sounds to me like you might as well still be together, and you dating anyone else right now would just be potentially hurting someone innocent (you said yourself you have no feelings for him, even though he is a great guy)

I have seen the aftermath of a very similar situation, and all 3 people ended up being very hurt, and one still hasn't recovered emotionally after a year.

I think maybe you guys should work on your relationship and be SURE it's NOT what you want before you call it quits. You say you just want to end up being with him "at the end of it all"...Why not just skip all the hurting people in between and be with him now?

EZMONEY
05-31-2007, 03:08 PM
Good luck to you. I don't know if I would want to be the first guy (your ex) or not...but I know for sure ~ I would not want to be the NEXT guy! How sad for him, to have you still "back there", if he fell for you.

EDIT ~ Dear, what I meant by the first guy remark ....I mean I wonder how he "really" feels about you looking elsewhere...maybe he is really OK with it....maybe not...I seriously didn't mean it in a bad way. I am pretty sure that it may be possible to have a friendship only with your ex...but no way can it be that way if sex is ever involved...just ain't gonna happen.

I hope your situation works out for all concerned. Prayers.

SoulBliss
05-31-2007, 03:16 PM
I just wish we could have met after we both had some therapy, and then we would have been PERFECT for each other.
So...why not have couples and individual therapy NOW? Therapy just might teach you that you have to be your OWN "knight in shining armor" ;)

aphil
05-31-2007, 03:51 PM
My advice is this:

~If you believe that you have issues that are preventing you from having a healthy relationship, then you need to resolve and deal with those issues first and foremost. I would consider seeing a therapist, and if your ex has similar issues, talk to him about the possibility of him seeking a counselor as well. If you really love each other, and the issues are what is getting in the way, then resolve the issues.

~First love is hard to let go of. Period. He may be the one, or may not be...but for those of us who didn't stay with/marry our first love, those special people often still have a place in our hearts 10, 20, or 30 years later. :)

~If you are absolutely sure that this relationship isn't going to work out...and that you need to break up, then you need to cut the ties so that you can both move on. I am not saying to never speak to them again, though. I have remained friends with some exes, but the key is, you have to have a period of time to move on without the interference-2 months, 3 months, 6 months, etc. with no going to each other's houses, no phone calls, kissing, etc. You need a separation period for a while, to move away from the boyfriend-girfriend relationship, if you would like to eventually have a friendship. There needs to be boundaries for a while.
My mother was very unhappy in a relationship that she was involved in for about 10 years, and they weren't happy, but couldn't separate, either. She tried dating as well, without cutting off the first relationship completely, and it always failed. I finally told her that she wasn't going to find anyone else, or anyone better-until she stopped being with the current person. Her big thing, as it turned out, was that she was afraid of being ALONE and not having that crutch/support system/comfort of that familiar person being around-long enough to enjoy and learn about herself for long enough to be "whole" for when the RIGHT person came along.

:)

I don't know if that helps...but I tried. :)


P.S-Once my mother finally did cut the ties of that old relationship and really got out there on her own, unexpectedly she met her future husband a few months later-and she wasn't even looking for him. :)

4myloves
05-31-2007, 04:12 PM
:

Well, our issues are similar, and they just add to the stress and difficulties of said issues. We really unitentionally exacerbate them -- ours issues combined are destructive. And you're absolutely right -- I've never been able to sustain a healthy relationship because of my issues (neither has he). They have ended every solitary one of them. But I'm lonely, and I'm still trying to find that white knight that will save my poor soul.

~~

I just wish we could have met after we both had some therapy, and then we would have been PERFECT for each other. But we're both so stubborn, so I doubt we'll ever be able to reconcile a romance. It's just so hard.


Why not go to couples therapy? Counseling isn't just for married folks anymore :)

Obsidianbbw
05-31-2007, 04:31 PM
I'm in a a pretty similar situation, but I decided to limit my contact with the person. Phone calls, text messages and no physical meetings for a while. I need the distance to let the "romantic" feeling die down. He is a good friend, so I don't see no contact, but you need to draw some lines in the sand and I think the physical stuff is confusing and blurring the lines.

Hope that helps.

maegdaeien
05-31-2007, 11:16 PM
This sounds really familiar.

I had a very long relationship with a guy; we were best friends for 3 years, then dated for 2. Well, almost 2-- we were a week away from our 2-year mark when I realized that if I was going to be with him for that long I would have to have a really good reason. And I didn't. I loved him, A LOT, but I knew that I would never be totally in love with him. I also knew that staying with him was selfish, because while I was wasting his time with something that would never go anywhere he could be out finding someone he could have a real future with. I broke up with him and he didn't want to stay friends (can't say I blame him), so I haven't seen him since. It was incredibly hard at first, losing my boyfriend and best friend at the same time, but I got over it.

Basically, you need to decide if you can see yourself with him in the future. If it could happen, you should work to fix whatever problems are in your way. If not, you need to do what's best for both of you and let it go. :(