General chatter - Rant about men and the questionable/stupid things they say




HarpoChicoGroucho
05-20-2007, 10:53 PM
I had a date yesterday and of course, since we were at Starbucks, I had to mention that I'm on a diet, and he responds, as so many men I have come across have said, "oh, you're fine." What exactly does THAT mean? Does that mean I'm not too fat that he wouldn't date me, or that he does think I could stand to lose a few, or that he really does think that I'm fine the way I am? Why do guys say that? I've never heard, "oh, you look great -- you don't need to lose a pound, are you kidding me?" That's what I want to hear :( And I've never heard it. The only guys who have said anything similar are the ones that know I weighed over 300 pounds, but they've still been rude about it. One guy said (when I said something negative about my weight), "you look great now, look at what you used to look like." I was peeved about that. And the other said, exasperatedly, "how could have wasted your good looks looking like that (when I was over 300). That really hurt. What idiots. Don't they think before they open their mouths. Those are not copliments. And then I see my ex-boyfriend today, and he asks me about my walking partner (who's very thin), "is she skinny like you and trying to keep it off? That's so patronizing. I know he's doing that to ruffle my feathers. Boo men.

By the way, those 2 who made the stupid comments were refused second chances with me -- but the date yesterday went very well, and he just called me :D And even though he annoys me with his little jabs (I get mine in too :devil:), I love my ex to death (we have a very close ex bf/gf friendship). He's an amazing supporter and encourager.


SoulBliss
05-20-2007, 11:25 PM
Why not ask him what he meant by that? Maybe he meant "You are FINE", as in smokin' hot! (I, for one, think you are beautiful).

Ilene
05-20-2007, 11:30 PM
Many men, I think, take stupid pills in the morning instead of vitamins :lol: ... We have to take those comments with a grain of salt...


HarpoChicoGroucho
05-20-2007, 11:40 PM
Why not ask him what he meant by that? Maybe he meant "You are FINE", as in smokin' hot! (I, for one, think you are beautiful).


Thank you :hug: Nah, his second language is English -- American slang confuses him :lol:

redlight
05-21-2007, 12:31 AM
I'm pretty sure the guy who said "oh you're fine" meant it as a compliment.

EZMONEY
05-21-2007, 12:35 AM
Believe it or not HarpoChicoGroucho, most of the time when we say our wives/girlfriends look fine it's because to us they DO! I don't focus on my wife's weight, hair, etc...I look at her "completely" she always looks FINE to me, no matter the weight, clothes, hair, etc. I didn't fall in love with her based on a certain number on the scale. My wife is not overweight, however, I suppose if she was and mentioned something about losing weight "you look fine" may not be appropriate...but looking at your "SUCCESS" in your loss column...well, I think that when the young man said you look fine...he meant just that! Give him a chance ;)

charolastra00
05-21-2007, 12:58 AM
In guy language, "you're fine" is a compliment, which is annoying. I don't want a "you're fine", I want a YOU LOOK SO ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS. Ok, maybe not, but you get the drift.

My roommate in my dorm last year got gastric bypass over winter break and was very self conscious about her weight. We had a guy friend down the hall who would say the most heartless and cruel things to her not realizing how horrible what he said was. The guy was just ******ed. Like once she was talking about auditioning for an a capella group on campus and he said something like, "You're a big girl so you have much bigger lungs." Not only is that ridiculous and untrue, but it's just so mean. He also said that she could crush him.

kaplods
05-21-2007, 01:29 AM
I don't think men are stupid or heartless, they just speak a different language. The only man I have ever met who spoke "girl" is gay. Having girl tendencies, but being raised in a traditional (Mennonite yet) home, I guess you can say he is bilingual. Many times he has translated "guy" into "girl" for me. I know I would have seen my husband through very different eyes, if my friend hadn't on several occasions translated for me.

Unless they're vain themselves, most guys don't see fat in the same way we do. Unless you're hugely overweight, and often not even then, it isn't seen as such a terrible thing. It's kind of like if a friend told us she wanted to move a freckle on her cheek a half inch to the left. We wouldn't say, "You look amazing don't you dare move that freckle a milimeter". We'd say, "It looks fine where it is, why would you want to move it?"

My husband is a big guy, so when we were first dating, I sort of assumed he was dating me because he didn't think he had a chance with thin girls (who was being stupid and rude with that one, luckily I never said that to him). Then I learned that one of his ex-girlfriends was a "smokin hot" blonde, and noticed that women of all sizes flirt with him alot (even when I'm standing there, which amuses him and annoys me to no end), because he's so outgoing and friendly. He just really is more interested in the whole package than the wrapping.

Whenever I think my husband is just being a jerk, I try to remember he's the same guy that makes up songs (horrible, non-rhyming off-key songs) about how beautiful and wonderful I am and sings them to me in the car or to wake me up in the morning.

2frustrated
05-21-2007, 06:30 AM
Whenever I think my husband is just being a jerk, I try to remember he's the same guy that makes up songs (horrible, non-rhyming off-key songs) about how beautiful and wonderful I am and sings them to me in the car or to wake me up in the morning.

Yours does that too huh? Must be a guy thing ;)


Harpo - I think your new guy sounds like a great guy! :D How many times have you said something to someone and then thought :foot: I think guys do have a hard time communicating with us girlies because we tend to over analyse a little bit about language. And I also agree with Ilene :yes: STUPID PILLS :yes: :lol:

kaplods
05-21-2007, 10:35 AM
It's sweet and I do appreciate the sentiments, but sometimes it's hard to keep a straight face! He'd never make it onto American Idol, that's for sure!

EZMONEY
05-21-2007, 08:27 PM
I had a date yesterday and of course, since we were at Starbucks, I had to mention that I'm on a diet, and he responds, as so many men I have come across have said, "oh, you're fine." What exactly does THAT mean?How about...you look fine! Does that mean I'm not too fat that he wouldn't date me, he is dating you right? or that he does think I could stand to lose a few,according to your chart YOU think you could lose a few pounds... or that he really does think that I'm fine the way I am?Isn't that what he said... Why do guys say that? Still not sure what is WRONG with it...I've never heard, "oh, you look great -- you don't need to lose a pound,But even you think you should lose more than a few... are you kidding me?" That's what I want to hear....but it doesn't seem to be true (according to YOUR chart) :( And I've never heard it......... What idiots......SO? Don't they think before they open their mouths.Not too often!;)

This thread has really bothered me...thank goodness I am married and don't have to worry about what I say around a date...but my goodness...what is a guy to do?

walking2lose
05-21-2007, 09:06 PM
Charo -- just want to say that I doubt that dorm guy has a girlfriend... and no wonder!

Gary, I don't think you should take it too personally... I get the feel that Harpo is just having a good old fashioned vent with the gals. I don't at all mean that your opinion should be excluded -- on the contrary, I love that we have your male voice on this thread -- but I don't see this as a male bash... more like dating frustration! I teach and vent all the time to other teachers about my students (teenagers) but that doesn't mean I don't love them to death. Maybe the case here is similar.

Harpo - I agree with the others... don't give up. He may not be the one... or maybe he is. It could've nerves or who knows what. However if you give him a little more time and still just hear "you're fine," it may be time to look elsewhere. In my own experience, I had an ex (for many years) who rarely complimented me. Not sure if he truly didn't notice things (appearance, my cooking, whatever) or if he didn't think I needed compliments. Fact was, I did need compliments, and I had to 'fish' to get any. Somehow they just didn't mean as much then. Even after explaining this to him he never got it. My husband, on the other hand, will look at me when I'm sweaty, grungey, in house-cleaning mode (as I was yesterday) and say sincerely, "Babe, you're HOT. Do you know how beautiful you are?" Sometimes a girl does need more than 'oh, you're fine... order the full fat latte."

Good luck, Harpo... I know you know there ARE great guys out there or you wouldn't be out there trying!

walking2lose
05-21-2007, 09:10 PM
Colleen -- I meant to comment on your post too...

Awww... sooo sweet! Love is a beautiful thing when you find that special someone. I, for one, say it's worth the wait (I was 36 when I married!!)

kaplods
05-21-2007, 11:54 PM
Claire - Me too! We'll be married 5 years in November.

We went to Shrek 3 tonight. We don't have "a song," (unless you count his invented "I have a Sexy Wife" song), but we do have a movie, and Shrek is it.
The movie came out just before our wedding, and we were looking all over for Shrek figures to use as our cake topper, but we never could find "ogre Fiona" only skinny princess Fiona. I was so bummed.

By the way, I won't say it's as good as the previous movies, but it was still lots of fun, and surprisingly good for a threequel.

lilybelle
05-22-2007, 12:06 AM
Harpo, I understand what you're saying. I also want to hear "you look great" not "you're fine". My DH tells me all the time "we make a beautiful couple". I really don't like that saying. IMHO, since he never said it when I was fat, it implies that I now match up to HIS beautifulness. LOL. Of course, he never belittled me or my wt. issues before, just that when he brags of how "pretty" we look now, it rubs a sore spot with me.

EZMONEY
05-22-2007, 12:19 AM
Claire ~ thanks, I really didn't take it as male bashing though ~ just trying to come from the "men see things different than women" angle and explain "our" side.

Maybe I'll come out with a What Men Should Say To Ladies, In All Circumstances, For Dummies book!!

kaplods
05-22-2007, 03:42 AM
It'd be a best seller!

Or maybe a male/female dictionary?!

The only arguments my husband and I seem to have are due to "errors in translation!"

We're actually learning to adapt our communications styles to each other, but I know that each of us things our own style is the "better" one.

JayEll
05-22-2007, 08:38 AM
Just a quick couple of questions!

Why even mention to a man that you are on a diet?

And then get peeved when he doesn't respond the "right way"?

Golly... It's a minefield out there... ;)

Jay

kaplods
05-22-2007, 01:11 PM
My husband does tease me alot about the "trap" questions that seem to require a very specific reply. While I've never asked the obvious one "does this make me look fat," I can fall into this easily enough. He'll ask me directly, "how do you want me to answer that." It usually reminds me that the question is unreasonable.

shananigans
05-22-2007, 01:50 PM
Just a quick couple of questions!

Why even mention to a man that you are on a diet?

And then get peeved when he doesn't respond the "right way"?

Golly... It's a minefield out there... ;)

Jay


:yes:

I agree, unless it becomes necessary to disclose (like you're out to eat and he asks you why you don't want to order desert) I wouldn't mention this on a date, or at least not the first few. If it does come up I might say something along the lines of "I try to eat healthy". No one's going to say "oh you're fine" as if you don't need to take care of yourself and eat well! ;)

My df also makes up songs, I find it kind of endearing and cute. He also decided after a George Clinton show we went to last year that "Hey Good Lookin' (Booty Enhanced Remix)" is our song. I guess that's kind of flattering :rolleyes: Don't know how the older folks would feel about dancing to that one at our wedding reception :lol:

fireflytrance
05-22-2007, 02:21 PM
I've experienced this too, many of times. I went on a date with a guy and ordered a salad and he went on to tell me how he hates when girls order salads and that I should just order a steak or something like him. Then later on when I was talking about how I was on a diet he told me I would look better if I lost some weight. Well you can't have it all can you??

Needless to say I dumped him quickly ;)

JayEll
05-22-2007, 02:57 PM
fireflytrance, sometimes it's so easy to spot the losers. Like anyone, man or woman, who tried to tell me what I should choose to eat at a restaurant.

He probably wonders why he never goes out with the same woman very many times... "Women, they are so picky!" :lol:

Jay

EZMONEY
05-22-2007, 07:21 PM
It'd be a best seller!

It would be...but I think it would have to be a 3FC Team effort!

Or maybe a male/female dictionary?!

The only arguments my husband and I seem to have are due to "errors in translation!"

I totally understand that Colleen...but at least Angie knows NOW what I mean when I say "yawannadoit?" ;)

We're actually learning to adapt our communications styles to each other, but I know that each of us things our own style is the "better" one.

Just a quick couple of questions!

Why even mention to a man that you are on a diet?

And then get peeved when he doesn't respond the "right way"?

Golly... It's a minefield out there... ;)

Jay

Jay, you are just way too smart!

HarpoChicoGroucho
05-22-2007, 11:45 PM
Oh, I tell EVERYONE I'm on a diet, just so I may hear, "what for?" (wishful thinking) It is unfair to expect to hear what I want to hear, but I don't ask for an opinion mind you, I just state a fact. I would rather hear silence than some arbitrary answer. I don't say, "I'm on a diet, what do you think about that?" Many people (as I usually do when someone says, "I'm on a diet,") don't say anything at all, because they were not directly asked for an opinion. Some people are angling for some sort of affirmation that they DON'T need to lose weight, while others are just simply stating a fact (I may be a bit of both, but even when people DO say "are you kidding me?" I don't agree with them). Although I would LOVE to hear from a man, who honestly doesn't think I need to lose another pound say something to that effect, I would prefer a man to be concise and not give a flimsy response such as, "you're fine." It can be taken in some many different contexts. *sigh*

Well, I think I'll lose the "I'm on a diet," to the less "please give me your opinion when I haven't asked for it" statement of "I try to eat healthy."

BTW, I think I'm going to title my next rant about men, "Men who always ruin anything good they say by continuing to open their mouth and overdoing the sarcasm." ;)

EZMONEY
05-23-2007, 12:16 AM
BTW, I think I'm going to title my next rant about men, "Men who always ruin anything good they say by continuing to open their mouth and overdoing the sarcasm." ;)

:chin: HEY! I resemble that remark! :o

improbable
05-30-2007, 08:30 PM
AHA! second language - my israeli boyfriend is similar. He's not very good with compliments in english. Think about it this way - if it's really hard for boys to tell the difference between "you're fine" and "you look great the way you are!," imagine how hard it is to figure out in a language that's not your mother tongue. Poor boys.

NightengaleShane
06-01-2007, 11:52 AM
Maybe I'm just really bad at picking them, but most guys I know seem to want thin, beautiful women with perfect skin and big boobs. Yes, they can be oblivious to weight, but that's usually when they're not paying attention to you or even thinking of looking at you in a romantic way.
I am also unfortunately attracted to vain guys. Looks do matter to me... personality matters more, but looks definitely play a part. I like a nice body (he doesn't have to have 6 pack abs or anything but some muscle tone is a must) and a good fashion sense (it doesn't have to be perfect, but guys who have no sense of style or individual expression with their apparel turn me off)... but I digress, the type of guys I usually like tend to come with an "I'm the ****!" attitude. I used to have these "I'm the ****!" type guys coming up to me all the time, but since my weight gain, it rarely happens. I've been in a relationship for two years now, but I miss the flattery. LOL. It made me feel pretty.

Anyway - back to the topic of jerk-ish guys, back in high school, I had a guy once tell his friend that I had a gut and acne. This guy still made out with me and felt me up, yet he apparently thought I was unattractive. That made no sense. I actually liked him before, too. I told a guy I wanted to lose weight once, and he said, "yeah... you would look better if you lost a few pounds. I mean, you look good now, but you'd be hotter then." and another: "your best friend is hotter than you because she's skinnier."

OH! When I was thin (but thought I was fat - yay, distorted body image!), I told everyone I was on a diet, and that I wanted to lose weight, so that they'd tell me I wasn't fat. Guys would roll their eyes at me and girls would often say, "OMG! WHAT WEIGHT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE!?" whereas NOW, I tried saying that just for the **** of it, and they gave me lots of (not so valid) weight loss advice. It's depressing how the tables have turned.... but being overweight has honestly given me a new perspective in life - I'm a nicer person now.

Shrinkarino
06-01-2007, 12:24 PM
All answers doom the respondent...

"You look fine"
--What in the he** does that mean?

"You look spectacular/wonderful and shouldn't change a thing"
--Answer is perceived as a lie because woman knows/believes she could stand to lose weight OR guy is perceived as myopic and/or chubby chaser who wouldn't be supportive of woman's efforts to lose weight.

"A diet? That's good"
--Guy is perceived as obnoxious and obsessed with looks/thinness.

"Damn right you're on a diet, chunkalunk!"
--Guy gets slapped.

A smart guy will ignore the comment gracefully and redirect conversation to something else. He'll work his "you're so beautiful" commentary in at other junctures when it doesn't seem to be responsive to the diet issue.

Steve Shrinkarino!

NightengaleShane
06-01-2007, 12:30 PM
All answers doom the respondent...


"Damn right you're on a diet, chunkalunk!"
--Guy gets slapped.


LMAO!

freeqeegrl
06-01-2007, 12:59 PM
Chunkalunk! That Made Me Laugh Too. . . I Had A Guy Tell Me "man If You Lost Fifty Pounds I'd Be All Over You" . What The ???? Or **** My Dad Told Me Once I Was A Waste He Said " Look At The Beautiful Face And Look At The Rest Of You" , Brother: Seems To Think Im Name Is Really Gordita. Other Brother: "man Our Family Is So Good Looking , If You Lost Weight We'd Rule The World" Lol Chunkalunk!!!lmao . . . Thats Gunna Stick In My Head Forever!!!!! I Use Fatty Mc Fattykins. .. Dont Know Why Though. Oh Wait Another Priceless One From The Head Hancho Dad." You Know I Used To Want A Girl After I Had To Boys Cause I Knew They Would Have To Beat Guys Off You With A Stick, But Now I Dont Have To Worry About That" , Or The Time He Told Me I Better Lose Weight Before My Boyfriend Dumps Me Because Someone Skinny Will Take Him Away. My Dad Is So Clueless. .. . .