Weight Loss Support - Am I doing it for the right reason?

05-02-2007, 04:15 AM

I didn't know where else to vent, because I don't want any of my friends finding out about this. But here it goes... All of my life I have "always" been able to get what I wanted. I think that is one of the reasons I have never bothered to lose weight. Being overweight had never bothered me before. I have the best friends ever, I hang out at the hot clubs, I get with the hot guys and I have the most gorgeous friends. A little while ago I started liking a guy who never really paid much attention to me. We are friends and everything but I never knew why he didn't flirt with me. We clicked.. I really thought we were perfect for each other. Just recently another girl came into the picture and started liking him. To make this short, I found out he won't date her because she is overweight.

Here is my dilemma. I want to lose weight, because I want revenge. I want him to "hate" himself for not wanting me. The real dilemma is that if it wasn't for this reason, I wouldn't be worried about losing weight.

I am afraid this whole plan will backfire on me, and karma will slap me. I know I will never like him again, but I am afraid that I might lose weight and only gain it all back once I get over wanting to get him back. And once I lose weight I know I will enjoy it.. I'm so afraid.

Any feedback would MUCH appreciated.

05-02-2007, 05:30 AM
Ooooh that's how I started - out of revenge :D

Let's say revenge is sweet, but not as sweet as knowing you're truly looking after yourself and improving your health and fitness.

GO for it! You'll find the benefits are so much better than the revenge anyway :D

05-02-2007, 06:21 AM
Personally... I do not think you are doing it for the right reason.

If you lose weight for someone/something else and NOT only PURELY for yourself it definitely will backfire on you.

What are you going to do revenge-wise once you've lost the weight? Are you going to go out with the guy? Are you going to reject him when he asks you out? If you have a relationship with him, do you want to BE with guy like that?

Seriously. I'm not trying to be snarky, but losing weight should never be for any other reason except for YOU and you alone. Look how many of us are out there who lost weight for a wedding, a reunion, the summer, a guy or even a girl, their family, their job... the list goes on... now how many of us have maintained afterwards???

Obviously it's up to you. I only wanted to voice my opinion. Good luck with whatever you decide!

05-02-2007, 07:27 AM
I think we've all had these fantasies, but that's exactly what they are. And yeah, it's shallow of him to make weight a "deal breaker," but even if you get your revenge, he's not likely to automatically enter the deep end of the pool. Besides, we all have our shallow moments. In college, I was very proud of the fact that I might be fat, but I wasn't desperate enough to date "losers." Unfortunately, my definition of loser wasn't always the most generous. I almost didn't date my husband because he didn't seem "smart enough" for me. Would have been my loss, and I never would have known it.

Say you acheive revenge weight, will he really feel bad about not asking you out earlier? What if after you lose the weight, he still isn't attracted to you? And even if he is, doesn't this really reinforce the belief that you weren't good enough until you lost the weight?

My husband gets together with a bunch of his friends every month. I've always known they talk about "the wives," and never thought I would be considered a prize by anyone other than my husband. Hubby made a comment a couple months ago that his friends (ironically, the "hot" one of the bunch is the most vocal about it) are very jealous of him, because he has the "best" wife (me!?) "Yeah, right," I thought. Apparently most of the other wives don't like the guys getting together once a month and always gripe about it. I'm glad to have the house to myself one day a month.

Now would any of those guys trade places with hubby to get the "nicest" wife when that also means getting the fattest wife? I don't know, and I don't care. Worrying about what other people think of you only makes you crazy.

For dating, find the guy that appreciates you and lose weight for yourself.

05-02-2007, 07:29 AM
Well we all have different reasons for wanting to lose the weight and become healthy. Revenge, hmmmm? IMO I think you might be better off kind of looking at it as, well maybe it is for revenge, but maybe just maybe it's because I really, really want to be a healthy and trim weight. It's about time, I deserve it and this revenge thing is just what I need to kickstart my weightloss.

IMO, if you don't look at this as a lifetime goal, something that you will do forever, then the weight will most likely come back on. Permanent weightloss takes determination and commitment. One has to change the things that brought the weight on in the first place. Which is usually overeating and underexercising. If you are ready to do that, revenge aside - go for it. Use that revenge to get you going if you must and hopefully the forever feelings and doing it for the "right" reasons, to be healthier and happier and feel better about YOURSELF, guys aside, will come into play. Because this is really about you. No one else.

Good luck.

05-02-2007, 10:41 AM
Robin makes a good point that this boyfriend thing and the revenge thing might be a good kickstart to a weight loss plan! Lord knows we ALL need a nudge from SOMEWHERE when we are about to embark on such a journey!!! Be careful, though, that you stay honest with yourself along the way. Keep in control by remembering that regardless of the REASON for weight loss, that it is YOUR BODY that you are dealing with, and you OWE yourself only the best.

You may find that your ideas about your body image change as you lose the weight and you begin to LIKE the smaller, more fit new you! Either way, you end up with a smaller body and a trimmer self. What's not to love about that?!!

I've always been active. Weight never really got in my way because I am strong and I also am very large-boned. I've had no health issues even at 275 pounds. Since I have lost the weight, though, I find that I am stronger, faster, and have almost unlimited energy. Clothes fit better, and I just LOOK better when I compare the old me, that I THOUGHT looked pretty good, with the new me.

I say, "GO FOR IT!" When you get to the size you want this guy MAY look less than great to you, and you will be ready for "shopping" elsewhere!:D We gals can be very fickle!

You, go, Girl!!!


05-02-2007, 11:02 AM
I have to respectfully disagree with you Cheryl ~ The only nudge I personally need to be healthy is from myself. Certainly not from any man who is going to judge me for my size. Not from friends or family either. I don't personally believe you can be successful UNLESS you do it for yourself, period.

Of course everyone has to find out for themselves, but the OP asked if she was doing it for the wrong reason and I say "yes" if it's just because of a man.

05-02-2007, 11:33 AM
I have to respectfully disagree with you Cheryl ~ The only nudge I personally need to be healthy is from myself. Certainly not from any man who is going to judge me for my size. Not from friends or family either. I don't personally believe you can be successful UNLESS you do it for yourself, period.

Of course everyone has to find out for themselves, but the OP asked if she was doing it for the wrong reason and I say "yes" if it's just because of a man.

Um, I'm going to have to ditto this.

I can't tell her that her particular reason is totally wrong, because everyone has their own reasons for doing things. But for a man? No way. To get revenge on him or another girl? No way.

First of all, let's think about this - you're currently 203 pounds. Your GOAL weight isn't, say, 180 or 170 or even 150 ~ it's 115. Ouch.

Secondly, it's going to take you some ample time to even get to 150, let alone 115. For example, I started out at 220. I'm now 134. It took me a little over 2 years to get there.

What's going to happen in 2 years time? That guy could be on the other side of the universe by then.

I'm not trying to discourage you from losing weight because you should to be healthier. But that's just it, you have to do it for YOURSELF. Not because you want to get back at someone. Again, I'm not trying to be discouraging, I'm being realistic. You CAN lose the weight. But let me ask you a serious question - aside from wanting revenge, do you WANT to lose the weight? Do you have any other reasons to?

05-02-2007, 12:14 PM
Oh dear, cross my last question. I just re-read your post and saw this -

The real dilemma is that if it wasn't for this reason, I wouldn't be worried about losing weight.

My bad.

If this is your only real reason for wanting to lose weight, the only thing I can tell you is good luck. If you're not SERIOUS about wanting to lose weight for yourself, then I can't really give you any advice. But you say once you lose the weight, you know you'll enjoy it.

So why not DO it? For YOU.

05-02-2007, 12:30 PM
I could be wrong here and I apologize if I am, but I think Cheryl was kind of trying to echo what I said which is, use the revenge if you MUST to kickstart the weightloss, but in order to have longterm success with the weightloss it has to first and foremost be for yourself. Period. Not for some stupid (or intelligent guy) or anyone or anything else. For yourself.

05-02-2007, 05:04 PM
Blah. Sorry for the double post below.

05-02-2007, 05:06 PM
Right or wrong reason...what you're doing is good for you. So even if you aren't focused on the health of it...you'll inevitably be healthier and looking better! After the revenge...then I bet you'll see that for sure and be really happy you served a cold dish! :carrot:

Maybe that will motivate you to do it for YOU!

But hey, if you were comfortable before, then even more kudos to you!

05-02-2007, 05:21 PM
All of my life I have "always" been able to get what I wanted. I think that is one of the reasons I have never bothered to lose weight.

What about wanting good health and fitness? What about wanting to wear cute little clothes? What about wanting to do fun activities without being out of breath? What about wanting to feel good when you look in the mirror?

Revenge might be a fun way to start out, but ultimately it has to be about you and no one else for it to work.

05-02-2007, 05:29 PM
Yeah, it's probably the wrong reason. I'm worried that you may go about losing the weight in an unhealthy way, since you're committed to losing weight to make him jealous, not to be healthy.

Otherwise, who cares what motivates us to be healthier and more fit? When I'm mile 3 on the treadmill, I can tell you that the only think that keeps me moving is thinking about how much more attractive my body will be *to a particular guy*. Sure, we're already in a relationship, but it is an external motivational factor. But I'm ultimately working on my diet and exercise for my health and my own vanity. Not for someone else.

I hope you choose to do this for your own health. *Not* for the guy.

05-02-2007, 06:23 PM
Revenge is a dangerous game and certainly not the basis for long term weight loss. But, frankly, you are at an unhealthy weight and if the idea of getting revenge gets you started on the path to health then so be it. If you stick it out I think you will find that your attitude will change. You are likley to realize that you aren't as happy being overweight as you think you are. Perhaps then you will develop the desire to lose weight for yourself and your health. I wasn't terribly unhappy at 214 pounds but I felt terrible. The thing is that I didn't realize how bad I felt (physically) until I'd lost a good bit of weight. The difference is astounding and I hope you stick with your weight loss plan long enough to feel the difference for yourself. Good Luck!

05-02-2007, 06:58 PM
I think that whatever reason you choose to lose weight be it revenge or not - you will be glad that you did it. Once you start feeling healthier and better about yourself than it isn't going to matter why you started to in the first place. You will just be glad that you did!

Good luck to you!

05-02-2007, 08:29 PM
i started from a similiar spot, so i cannot judge you at all. i was the most confident bbw ever. love me or hate me, was my attitude. im much much more self concious now then i was at my high weight. also, the man i wanted so badly is not at all phased by my weight loss.
but, i have discovered so much about myself during this journey and my reasons have changed. i no longer want/care for him to care for me. i want to be strong and healthy. i want to be at peace with myself. i want to know i can physically do whatever i chose to.

youre playing with a double-edged sword and i hope that you do some soul searching before you make any major decisions.

05-02-2007, 11:34 PM
Thank you all for your responses. They all mean a lot to me.

05-02-2007, 11:49 PM
I agree with the pp- if revenge is what it takes to get you motivated to start, then GOOD! But I'll bet once you do start the process you will learn and grow as we all do and the reasons may change.
I am somewhat motivated by a "I'll show them" attitude to some friends, but deep down I'm doing it because I want to and need to etc.
Good luck!