100 lb. Club - sub basement self esteem day...

Hi,

I know everyone here will understand. I'm meeing two friends for lunch today. Both of them are petite-we're talking size 0-4. They're also both shorter than me (I"m five feet eight). I'm not meeting them for three more hours, and I already feel horrible. They're really sweet people, but I can't get past having to walk through the restaurant and eat with them.


I know this is stupid, but I"m feeling really fat and gross before even leaving the house. I"m making an extra effort with hair/makeup, clothing etc. but it's not making me feel any better.

Is this idiotic, or has anyone else felt this way? I have no problem eating out alone (I always have a book) but eating with skinny friends just does my head in!

Thanks!
Sherry

Hi Sherry,

Not too long ago, I was feeling very large and frumpy right before I left for an event at my daughter's school. Nobody else made me feel this way...I was just down on myself that day. Sometimes, we can be our own worse enemy. I really believe that a large part of this journey is learning to like ourselves. Please take a moment to reflect on your positive qualities....maybe you should write them down. I can name one for you right now....you've lost 20 pounds which shows you care about yourself and are motivated to change your life. This is a big deal! Not many people are willing to attempt major life changes like you are. And, try to remember....although your friends are tiny, that does not mean their lives are perfect. Everyone has their own problems in life.

I can really relate to that. It is tough to get past it because no one is causing the thoughts, they are just in our own minds. But I agree with Rhonda. Don't let this hold you back! You've lost 20 lbs! Awesome! Go have a good time!

Hi Sherry...just one other thing....many of my "vertically challenged" friends have said they envy my height....stand proud!

I know exactly how you feel. For some reason, I've always had mostly very short female friends, and many of them were quite thin as well. At 5'9" and especially at my highest weight (275), I felt enormous next to most people, but especially next to my friends. You do need to remember that being tall is a GOOD thing, like Rhonda said -- even if you feel big next to people sometimes it really is a positive. For one thing, you've lost 20 pounds and are on your way down. That is WONDERFUL, and nothing can take that away from you. For another, you're tall so you probably have long legs, which many women will never have no matter how thin they are, right? Not that it's about a competition or anything, but sometimes you have to think about something that makes you feel like you're "in the running," if that makes sense. When you lose even more weight, you'll be delightfully tall and slim with gorgeous long legs and you won't have to feel this way again. And you don't need to feel negative about yourself now, because you're working hard on improving yourself! So think of that, and remember that you're doing something amazing for your health, so be proud of yourself! :)

Remember:
You are more than a weight. You are more than a fat chick. You are smart, beautiful, fun and a joy to be around. They didn't invite you to lunch to make you feel bad, they invited you because they enjoy YOUR company.

Hi! I have experiences this feeling many, many, many times!! I have a wondefully thin sister who is short and petite. I am tall so there is something that always makes me stand out just a little bit. Here is the thing, my sister may be thin but there is a reason. She has an eating disorder of so sort. She always has had one. She eats but only once a day (not exactly what I would call healthy). She takes Sudafed every day b/c it curbs her appetite again, not exactly what I would call healthy. Everyone is dealing with their own inner demons theirs may not show up as much on the outside for everyone to see like ours do! I am proud of you! I am proud of me, we can do this!!

Aww, Sherry, I feel your pain. My two closests friends are both under 5' tall, and I'm 5'9". One friend likes to hover at 95 lbs., and gets upset when she gets to 100. The other one is plumpish, but never as obese as I was. When I weighed 261, I felt like a huge blob next to them. Frankly, even now I feel like Amazon woman when I go out with them. But. . I love them both, and I know they love me, too, no matter what size I am, and we always have a great time. It's my own mind that sends me those horrible messages. So I tell it to shut up, and just go have fun. I hope you'll do that, too. :hug:

I've been there a thousand times over & have never been able to talk myself out of it even when I know how illogical it is. Is our weight to do with - definitely - at least for me. But I know that when I was slim I still felt similar because I am definitely not a petite woman in any way & at times that just plain makes me feel unfeminine & awkward around those who are tiny, petite, small.

You'll make it through - just try to focus on the good conversation - I've found that they are blissfully unaware of how awkward I feel - hopefully it is the same for you!

I'm sure your lunch meetup has come and gone by now, but I just had to mention that I'm in the same boat. I'm 5'9" and big boned (regardless of what kind of padding I've got!) My friends are all petite and cute, not to mention exotic looking, and I always feel like a pale giant, especially in pictures where we're all standing next to each other. Over the years (and the pounds) I've learned to believe what Jessica said "You are smart, beautiful, fun and a joy to be around. They didn't invite you to lunch to make you feel bad, they invited you because they enjoy YOUR company." (wonderful advice!)... and I hope you will learn to believe it, too, Suzie! :hug:

Thank you all so much! I did have a nice time (only one friend was able to make it) We actually ended up ordering the same thing (chicken wrap) Of course our table was all the way in the back!

Rhonda, I also really thought about what you said-just because people are thin it doesn't mean their lives are perfect-very true-one of my friend's children has a life threatening illness (cystic fibrosis) and she's been through a lot with other personal losses as well. Ironically, she also said she is on weight watchers-I can't see that she needs to lose a single pound, though!

I know I probably don't look as bad as I think, but I can't get myself to believe it.

Thank you so much! You're all so sweet and supportive!

Hugs,
Sherry

if I meet her again in a few months, I will be thinner by then, too!

I hope you had a nice time with your friends. I hope you were able to tell that voice in your head to shut up (like Sheila said) and just have a good time.

Take care

Hi Sherry,

I know exactly how you feel except I feel almost every time I leave my apartment here in Seoul, South Korea. I am definitely not the same as the petite little women of this country. I sometimes get stares and people are not quite so nice. One of the few saving graces for me is I know only a little Korean. In this culture staring and pointing is ok. It took me awhile to get used to it but I just kind of ignore it now. You can always tell no matter where you are in the world when someone is talking about you.

When I go to the restaurants where you have to sit on the floor I feel really embarassed because I can not sit down and get up gracefully. I have to kind of get over on my knees and bring myself up. Koreans have this inate grace to when they get up and down by being able to put themselves in a squat and just stand. I feel like Godzilla rising over the little people in the city.

I like Koreans so don't get me wrong I don't mean to sound negative its just thier culture and what is deemed "OK". I don't let it bother me too much. It can be hard though and it used to bother my boyfriend (he is Korean) when people would say stuff. In fact one day he decided to let me know this. He did not understand what a hurt insult/hurt this was. (He did after I almost left him and he was in tears over it.)

We are fine now but the bottom line for me is I have to keep my mind positive and not let stuff like that get to me. I just smile and am extra friendly if need be.

Darlene,

Oh my goodness-I feel so badly for you! It's bad enough being overweight in the United States, but it must be so much more difficult for you in Korea. I can't imagine! I could never get used to people actually pointing. The eating while sitting on the floor would not work well, either (better since I've been doing yoga, but still awkward)

Hugs,
Sherry

:o Oooops... I am so sorry for continually calling you Suzie, Sherry! (I'm easily confused!) :o

Oh, I know how you feel! Many of my friends are overweight, but most of my co-workers are slender... or at least more in the "normal" size of heavy than I am. It used to make me SO self-conscious to eat with them... I'd watch every fork-full, even if they weren't.

In fact, when I started working through the 4-day Win book (I highly reccommend it for a lot of the mind-body work that most diets don't bother with), I was struck by how very self-conscious I am of my body. I treat it like this "other" thing, like it's something I'm at war with. I catch myself plotting paths through stores and restaurants, where there is the most space to maneuver, and so I won't look too clumsy or huge.

Some of the early exercises in the book, where you try to reconnect with your body, or appreciate the "wild child" in you who just wants to eat and eat so you can survive during this emergency (the obvious famine that's going on, since calories are restricted), have been eye-opening to me and have really influenced not only how I eat, but how I look at myself. I'm much less self-conscious than I was a month ago.

I hope your lunch went well, and that the fun factor overcame the self-esteem problems.

Hey, you guys are all sharing my same "background" self-demoralizing script! And Sherry, I love what was said by Jessica earlier, about your friends appreciating your company, not thinking about putting you down! And also Rhonda's thought, that we all have some stuff to work through, whether visible or not. It's good to hear you already knew that, and had a great time with your one friend over lunch.

Two thoughts here; one of my close friends once told me that if I were skinny but still slumped, grimaced, and declined all the fun stuff, that's much worse than if I were horribly obese but happy. And I asked for advice once, from someone I know who grew up in Eastern Europe, who has always been large, and looks and acts like a great woman. She dresses to celebrate all her curves! She told me that in her culture, all women get larger as they mature, it's seen as a result of increased competence, responsibility, wisdom, and generosity. And of course that's her to a T! I just have to wrap my head around it, because the old script in my head is just plain unhealthy....

You are special - your friends know this - tell that old script where to get off!

Remember:
You are more than a weight. You are more than a fat chick. You are smart, beautiful, fun and a joy to be around. They didn't invite you to lunch to make you feel bad, they invited you because they enjoy YOUR company.Amen! I need reminding of that all the time; 99.99999% of my friends are very slender or normal-ish. I feel so self-concious around them some times. I know I get so wrapped up in my weight and size that I sometimes forget that I have other sides; that I'm funny, smart, and give good advice.

Listen up, all you tall chicks: I'm a fairly short gal, and I totally envy your height! You have longer legs, longer necks, longer waists, and longer arms so you can reach the top shelves easier! You look better in clothes (and can weigh more and still look good!). Ya'll always look elegant and you can walk so much faster! Yup, I would love an extra couple of inches.

I have a really hard time with that sometimes, and I have to admit it's the number one reason I get anxious about meeting new people, or going to parties with friends-of-friends. I'm not worried about how the guys will act, I just make myself miserable thinking about all the women who will be smaller than me. I'm my own worst enemy- definitely something to work on. I'm really glad you had such a fun time!

Listen up, all you tall chicks: I'm a fairly short gal, and I totally envy your height! You have longer legs, longer necks, longer waists, and longer arms so you can reach the top shelves easier! You look better in clothes (and can weigh more and still look good!). Ya'll always look elegant and you can walk so much faster! Yup, I would love an extra couple of inches.

But don't forget -- you short girls can be "cute" and when you're tall it's hard to pull that off!! There's good and bad on both sides, I guess, so we have to remember the good and be happy with what we have!

We do walk faster, though. :lol: I often run with my 4'10" sister-in-law and the poor thing has to run so much faster than I do just to stay beside me.