That is basically what I said to my potential date. Here goes...
I don't think I deserve bad treatment or anything of that nature but I don't neccessarily expect great so I stick it out alone.
Anywho, in a time of boredom and lonliness, I joined a singles website. I had thought about joining a site for plus size women BUT I am a Christian and after the "trial" offer many of the men did not put faith as a high priority. So, here I go and join the Christian singles site.
I couldnt put up my picture so whoever responded was taking a chance. Well, I started emailing and finally chatting over the phone with this fellow. He wants to "get to know me better" blah blah blah. Later he said "I don't care how you look" Finally, I said I would send a pic. BUT before I hang up the phone, I go into a ten minute apology for how I look. I reminded him that I was "chubby" (which I had said previous to this convo). We know I am NOT chubby...I'm fat. Anywho, I talked all over myself and made a complete fool of myself. Now, I didn't say I was sorry that I was fat BUT I might as well have. I kept saying that I was on a diet and trying to better myself. He kept telling me he liked me and didnt care...Yeah right!!
I sent the pic a couple days after that convo and it has been a couple days since sending the pic that we haven't talked. Enough time to feel like fool. :o
This is one of the reasons that I wanted to wait (until a 16) to date. Sometimes, I think I am good enough and have confidence so I hold my head up high and etc and then other times....I act a fool like this!
Maybe I should have joined the other site because right off the guy knows what he is getting and I know that he likes it...
BTW: IRL guys have tried to flirt with me but I am sooooo shy that I shun them, so internet dating is probably best for me.
Wow, this is so personal...but I knew I had to share it with you guys.
Sorry for the long rant!
04-29-2007, 08:19 PM
You sound very much like me. I am very shy and always had trouble dating unless it was someone who was a friend and I already knew. Even then I was shy. I ended up dating and marrying a long time friend. Going out with guys that I already didn't have some relationship beforehand just never worked out for me.
Anyway, you couldn't put your picture on the website? There is some reason for that? If there is, why not make your own website with pictures and information about yourself and send to any potential dates?
I think if you put your picture out there and let them see what you look like then it takes pressure off of you. You don't have to explain your fatness or feel like you need to apologize because they already know. Also, when dating, it isn't like the guy is signing up for a lifetime contract. Go out with them, meet them and see if both of you like eachother. If he isn't happy with your appearance then that is his problem not yours.
Personally, I'm not fond of websites for plus size girls because it seems to me the intention would be to find someone who is plus size and have them stay that way. I think general dating sites have enough open minded people (I'd hope!) and guys that would be interested in all body types.
04-29-2007, 08:21 PM
Have you seen his photo? I wouldn't take anything online personally. You just don't know at all when a guy you've actually met in person who actively pursued you and showed an interest in you and dates you and then suddenly stops calling. So, I really wouldn't take it personally in the case of online dating. In one of my posts on here, I mentioned before, I was motivated to get fit partly because I was dating a guy who told me that I had skinny legs. It made me mad. See what I mean?
04-29-2007, 08:25 PM
i totally understand where you are coming from, my current "bf" and i met playing yahoo! pool. we haven't met yet, but we talk on the phone every night for at least an hour. and every now and then i get this panicky i-don't-know-if-he-realizes-what-he's-getting-himself-into mode and get all insecure....but he always reassures me he knows, and he doesn't care, and he loves me for everything i am, inside and out, and makes me feel better. i know it's something i'm just gonna have to overcome myself though.
04-29-2007, 08:27 PM
Lots of guys are jerks. I'll state that flat out, so I 100% understand why you feel the need to "apologize" for your appearance because without "warning" some of them, they really can be super rude about it.
On the other hand, there really ARE "those guys" out there who truly and honestly don't worry about your look sonce you've made that personal connection online/over the phone.
My concern with joining a plus size dating site would be that the guys there prefer overweight women, so whoever I met would not likely support my attempts at becoming healthier, lighter, and thinner. There are even some who would try to further "fatten 'er up," and who needs that kind of guy around when trying to lose weight? :dizzy:
I always thought I wouldn't find a great guy for myself until I was thinner (as you mentioned waiting till a size 16), but the thing is, I knew that would be true if I didn't at least TRY at my current size, ya know? No one deserves to be lonely simply because of weight. I knew I was a good person, and I wanted to share my life with someone.
And so, I met Jeff online (not through a dating site, but still). Then we talked on the phone, and I had sent him some pictures, but I was still so sure that when we met in person, he would be disgusted (this had happened with other guys I met online previously). But he was different. When I asked him at the end of date #1 if I would see him again and he said YES, I about melted. We've now been together over 3 years and are engaged, and he's been with me at every weight from about 260 up to 310, and he has NEVER made me even remotely feel as if my weight was an issue for him.
So, the good ones do exist. But you can't find them if you don't keep trying. Even skinny girls don't find Mr. Perfect on their first try ;) It is hard to try not to focus on the issue when you're talking to or meeting someone new, but if you can't focus on anything but your size, then how could you expect him to? I had to keep reminding myself of this, and it took a long time for me to really be able to project this non-weight-focus to men, but it finally happened, and now I'm with a guy who I know will love me at ANY weight. I will never EVER have to worry that he might leave me if I gain too much weight or fear that he might find me unattractive after having children or whatever--if he loves me at 300 pounds, then I know he loves me for me, and I am SO grateful for being able to know that. If I waited to date until I lost weight, I would constantly be asking myself, "But, would he have liked me before I lost the weight?"
04-29-2007, 08:59 PM
Pft! Judging by your userpic I think you're really pretty, and if a guy would let a stupid thing like weight get in the way of a date with someone he otherwise thinks is awesome then I say he's a superficial jerk and you're much better off without him. At least he showed his true colors early, before you were emotionally involved!
04-29-2007, 09:00 PM
I sent the pic a couple days after that convo and it has been a couple days since sending the pic that we haven't talked. Enough time to feel like fool. :o
You definitely shouldn't take it personal. I was having a pretty good online relationship with a larger guy. Then we met. Honest to god I just got so busy with work and so insecure about why he seemed so interested - that I didn't respond for weeks. Then I thought it was too long to respond.
Then it occurred to me that he probably thinks I rejected him.
Ahh at this point I have decided just to give up I was so neurotic he was likely better off. I totally messed that thing up.
04-30-2007, 03:16 AM
Thanks for your input!
Nelie – I couldn’t put up a recent photo because at the time, I was recovering from radiation therapy. Because it was done on my neck area, my face was also discolored. I looked like I had terrible sunburn (blotches that were 3 times darker than my shade) so just like sunburn, I had to wait for my skin to heal. I was just able to take my pic on Friday.
I am putting my pic on the website tonight or tomorrow. Thanks for the encouragement to do so! If someone doesn’t want me because of theweight, I guess rejecting me is actually doing me a favor! :)
MicheleKC- Yes, I have seen his photo. He is average. I guess it wasn’t an instant attraction but I grew to like his personality. And I guess perhaps, I thought he might look past my flaws, as I did his. And I agree that this whole dating thing has motivated me to work harder. I want to get my confidence back. We know that people automatically look at couples and I honestly don’t like attention. I need to get over my own insecurities! :^:
LeeAnn and Jill- Thanks for the encouragement. I need to get back on the dating scene. I have not been on a date in over 5 years. This is new to me. When I dated before I wasn’t heavy. I know I have to get out there and just do it. I am starting to pay more attention to my appearance. I have a swing to my hips and a flirty smile! :p
I am not going to wait until that size 16. I want to go out and enjoy myself. I have a whole ‘nother story to tell about my abstinence from dating and “life” in general. I will share that sometime when I feel I haven’t “talked” too much. :o
I am happy for you both and applaud you for having the confidence to jump out there and get you some happiness! :D
Maegdaeien- Thank you! LOL You sound just like one of my girlfriends! Did you have your hand on your hip or give the dismissive wave when you finished talking??? Thanks for the compliment and you are right “aint” no man worth it <insert some girlfriend attitude here>! ;)
BooBear- I am glad you posted because I can at least see it from his perspective and it very well may not be personal. With that said, I am not waiting around, though. ;)
Thanks again everyone, I feel better! :hug:
04-30-2007, 04:09 AM
When I met my husband, through an ad I placed, I had just about given up on finding a reasonably normal guy. In fact, I had given up and ignored his voicemail message for almost 6 weeks, before I decided to give it one last go, and give him a chance. I really didn't expect much, because until I met David (hubby) all the guys I'd met through the ad had been pretty nutty.
A 17 year old Jamaican college student (sounded sweet, but a 17 year age difference?!), a 65 year old guy who admitted to being an alcoholic with no teeth (who didn't wear his dentures because they were uncomfortable), an over-the-road truck driver wanting free sex with no strings attached whenever he was in town (actually had the nerve to leave a second message wondering why I hadn't contacted him) and a really good looking guy who I met in person and had a great date with, but luckily had a guy friend from the same town, who filled me in on the guys personal history (several bankruptcies and known for being an outrageous liar), and a guy in Hawaii who lied about his age (20 years!) and height (1 foot). He claimed that 30, and 6'1 were unintentional typos, and admitted that he was actually 50 and 5'1" (typo my butt).
I may not have had to kiss alot of frogs to find my prince, but I sure did email a lot of them.
04-30-2007, 10:24 AM
Royal Athena, look around this site - there are more happily involved/married full figured gals than you can shake a stick at. Weight won't be an issue when you meet the right man. In fact, as Jillybean pointed out, you can be even more confident that he likes you for YOU, if you meet when you are heavy. You are a very pretty lady, and I'm sure you'll meet someone who is less shallow, if you just keep yourself out there. Good luck!
04-30-2007, 11:14 AM
Athena, I really feel like I need to throw my two cent's worth into the mix, here. This is maybe too long, but I feel pretty strongly, so please bear with me?
Finding somebody is easy. There are a kazillion men out there who will (a) be happy to be a casual sex partner no matter what you weigh, (b) be even happier to move in with you and suddenly lose their jobs or (ho-hum) be BORED with their jobs and decide to quit, or actually never DID have a job, and have been looking for somebody who wants a man bad enough to support him, (c) be glad to fit you in a few nights a week because his wife is sick & tired of his raggedy behind, and "they can't communicate" anymore. Oh, there are dozens of reasons why men can be easily found, attracted, and entered into relationships with.
The key, I think, to finding a man who cares about you for YOU - and isn't looking to take advantage of you in some way, is to STOP LOOKING.
Trust me when I tell you that you will be no happier WITH a man than you are without one.
Just like you (really) will be no happier smaller than you are larger. :dizzy: Healthier, maybe, and more physically fit - maybe even (in YOUR opinion) more attractive - but happier? Nope.
I was married for 25 years. 25 extremely miserable years. I was married to a man who was critical of everything I did, where I went, who my friends were, and OF COURSE my weight. Ironically enough, all the time I was with him, I never weighed over 140 pounds. Look at my weight tracker now!!!!
When I finally divorced the narcissistic jerk, I have to tell you that I was so insecure - after years of being told that I didn't "measure up" - that I just wanted men to be attracted to me. I had several relationships over the course of five years - and I wasn't one bit happier (after the initial attraction and "falling in love" stuff) than I'd been in my marriage.
Finally, I said, ENOUGH of this! I decided to do things for ME and with me that I enjoyed doing, and to heck with men. My girlfriends and I took trips together, went to art shows, climbed Mt. Monadnock, and if we felt like clubbing, we went clubbing - and laughed our butts off at some of the doofussy men who tried to buy us drinks.
In short, I was having a ball!
One Sunday afternoon when everybody else was otherwise occupied, I decided to take myself off to a museum exhibit I'd been wanting to see for the longest. Met my now-husband in front of a Renoir. One of those attracted-at-first-sight things; the man is adorable! Had coffee, spoke on the phone several times and then started dating. We've now been married for five lovely years. We have NEVER, EVER had an argument, and that's the truth. He's a software engineer & art afficionado who enjoys the same stuff as me, and our life together is...you guessed it...happy!
The thing is, I was happy with ME before I could find someone else to be happy with.
I think you might find it helpful if you could get rid of that "I weigh too much; I need to apologize" mentality. Apologize for NOTHING, my dear Athena! You are perfectly lovely just as you are, and once you feel secure with that, some stray (and strange) man's opinion won't mean jack to you. YOUR opinion of you is what matters! And some dumba** that's trawling for women on the internet??? Puleeze!!!! (My apologies to those who have actually met decent men on the internet; I think you've already said that you had to sift through an awful lot of losers to find a winner). Rather than think about the impression you're making on HIM, pay attention to what he's saying to you!!!! Is he the kind of person YOU'RE interested in, or are you too busy worrying about what he thinks of you to even process what you think of him???
Anyway, Athena, appreciate who YOU are, girl...because from what I can see from here, you're a pretty special person!
Have a great day!
04-30-2007, 01:13 PM
I'm not sure the men I attracted online were much stranger than the ones I attracted in "real life." In fact, I'd say the percentage was fairly close, I just attracted alot more in a shorter period of time, so it seemed like I was flooded with losers. Also, online dating is going to attract guys with some personality problems from simple shyness to something much more sinister.
In the real world, I've had some of the same weird experiences. In a very tiny book store a man kept passing me in the tight aisle (he actually had to squeeze himself through). On the third pass, I realized he was doing it on purpose! Ewwwwww. I got out of there as quickly as I could, and he followed me telling me how beautiful my breasts were as I made a mad dash for my car! If he had caught up with me, he would have gotten a face full of pepper spray!
04-30-2007, 01:46 PM
Girl you are beautiful! No way should you apologise for being overweight! You are still WHO you are regardless of extra weight and if a man can't see that himself then you don't need his butt anyway.
Who wants to be with someone who is judgemental? I sure don't! You, me, WE deserve better than that!
04-30-2007, 02:02 PM
When speaking to a potential date before meeting them, I think it is perfectly reasonable to mention that you are a "bigger girl" or that you are a little chubby-but by NO MEANS go on and on about it...or apologize for it.
Really, there is no need. If you tell him once, and he doesn't hang up the phone-and agrees to a date, then let it go. :)
When dating, you want to show off and present the desirable things about ourselves-not focus on the negative. :)
If you apologize for being heavy, then there are many others who should apologize before their first dates as well! :lol: ;)
Some of my former dates could have apologized in advance for:
~Being a bad tipper and rude to wait staff
~Being extremely full of themselves
~Having horrible manners
~Not having gainful employment
~Being too "frisky" on a first date for my taste
~Not being respectful of women
And so on... :rofl:
Don't apologize for your weight. We all deserve to date, have fun, and be loved-no matter what our size. :)