My sister will be evicted if I don't pay her rent -- should I? - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

HarpoChicoGroucho · 04-27-2007, 09:53 PM

My sister and her family are in a huge financial crunch right now, all because of my loser brother in law. He has been fired from his last 3 jobs (one of them for being drunk on the job). The past firing was for STEALING lottery tickets (he was a convenience store clerk). So, they have NO money (her checks are being garnished for unpaid payday loans -- I make more in a week than she does in a month). I've always bailed them out before, but now they need to borrow $1000 to cover their bills or they'll be evicted. Of course, I'm the only family member who is not only able, but willing as well to help them out. Ever since I ever had a job (at 16), I have been helping my sister pay her bills. I think I was even younger than that when she first borrowed money. She's at least over $75,000 in debt and her husband filed bankruptcy for over $100,000 in debt. Over the past 2 years now, I've at least paid a bill every month for them. I just recently moved to a new city (which cost of living is MUCH higher there than my old town), bought a new car, and bought all new furniture for my apartment. My bills have nearly doubled from what they were a couple months ago. So it's incredibly audacious of them to ask in the first place knowing all of this. Now, everyone is telling me that it's time my sister has learned her lesson and to not let them borrow the money, and I have a very easy way out to say, "I don't have the money" (I told her I'd have to check my funds). For now, I'm back in my hometown and have been avoiding my sister's calls because I'm still going back and forth about what to do.

I was just so angry when she asked because they are GROWN adults (in their 30's) who can't get their crap together, and they are becoming worse and worse off. They also have 3 kids. I DID NOT have 3 kids and it isn't my responsibility to not only take care of them but also two irresponsible adults. My nephews and neice are the only reasons I continue to help them out, because it would break my heart to see them suffer because of their parent's irresponsible actions. It's completely unfair. And I'm not even sure how long they would take to pay me back. My BIL got a new job (at another convenience store ironically) but he won't see a paycheck for a couple of weeks, and my sister is laid off in the summer (she's a lunch lady). I don't know what they'll do if I don't pay their rent (I think my sister and the kids will move in with my parents -- BIL is not welcome). It will be a great punishment for my sister to have to move back in, because my mom criticizes her constantly about everything and she won't let her be so incredibly irresponsible with money or her kids either.

So what should I do? Should I let my sister once again use me as her own personal ATM or finally put my foot down and let her feel the consequences of her actions? What would you do?

FitMomEB · 04-27-2007, 10:10 PM

It's a tough call. If you don't feel that they have made an effort to get their s*** together also because they have had you to bail them out, tell them that the ATM is closed and will remain so until you see they are doing everything they can to handle this. Perhaps just keep an eye on the kids, as if they get evicted social services might take the kids away. But I don't think that saving their butt every time is helping them getit together - sometimes you need to reach rock bottom to see a way out of the abyss and start swimming on your own, so to speak.

I am so sorry you are going through this, I wish you all the best no matter what you decide!

luja · 04-27-2007, 10:15 PM

If you do, I would make it contingent on them accepting some help like consumer credit counseling (a good, reputable non-profit one), but also there are places they might be able to turn to for financial help, like the Salvation Army and so on.

lizziness · 04-27-2007, 10:16 PM

oh that sucks. I am so sorry you're having to go through with this. The decision is yours, but I'll tell you we went through similar problems with my mother in law and we cut her off. It's just not your responsibility to do this. If you have the extra money to give to them as a gift, and you feel you should for whatever reason, then go for it. But if you do not have that money to give them and it will put you in a financial bind, I suggest you let them know that.
Either way, they will never learn if you keep helping them out. You will always feel used, they will always feel like they don't have to fix their situation because they can always come to you to help them. It's a never ending cycle.
With my mother in law, she got so bad that once she planned an entire vacation with me, my hubby, and her three kids and herself... showed up to the location and then pulled my hubby aside to tell him she had no money and he'd have to pay for everything. WTF? I still can't figure out who does that?! She still goes to everyone else in the family to help her out, and because they continue to do so, she has never figured out how to live on her own, how to manage money, spend responsibly, etc.
Sigh. Money is one of those things that can tear people apart, which is just sad. Because of my MIL it almost tore me and my husband apart. In the end you just have to decide when the right time is for them to learn their lesson... now, later, or never. Good luck!

lizziness · 04-27-2007, 10:18 PM

oh, we were all posting at the same time. I want to add that CCCS or bankruptcy may be the only option. And they absolutely must do their research if they do go through a Consumer Credit Counseling Service... many of the people I help through my work have been completely screwed over by fake companies who charge them, take their money, and never pay their bills.
They should definitely get some debt counseling from somewhere...

ennay · 04-27-2007, 10:23 PM

I would say no. If it was a one time deal, but this is just going to continue FOREVER.

It sounds like the kids will be taken care of with your mom's help. So sis wont like it, maybe it will be the kick in the pants she needs to take control over her own life.

Do you want to do this for the rest of your life?

sharonrr · 04-27-2007, 10:23 PM

That is a terrible situation to be in. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I'll tell you what my Mom did when she died. My youngest brother was very irresponsible. He does have a good paying job. I believe he drinks too much. Anyways to make a long story short. When my Mom died she left my brothers inheritance to his son on his 21st birthday. She figured it might be a wake up call. It wasn't but that is his problem. Do what you feel is right. Sometimes tough love is the only answer.

maegdaeien · 04-27-2007, 10:27 PM

I totally understand; my sister owes me money too (not quite 1000$ though!) and even though I knew she is horribly irresponsible, I didn't want to watch someone I love worry when I could help.

HOWEVER, I think it's important to remember that even if you give them this money (and, let's face it, you probably would be "giving" and not "lending") to cover their current bills, what happens when the next round of bills come? And the next? She has to decide if she's going to let this guy take her and her kids down with him, and it sounds like giving money is just delaying the inevitable.

walking2lose · 04-27-2007, 11:11 PM

Well, this is probably easier said than done, but I think you should think this over long and hard before you loan her money. It is a situation of co-dependence and enabling, and I agree with the responses above that said it will never end. At some point you will have to take a stand and say no more. You have every right to be upset with your sister for even putting you in this position -- she forces YOU to be the bad guy, instead of taking responsibility herself or blaming her husband.

I'm sorry to hear you are having to deal with this... it must be awful... be strong!

nelie · 04-27-2007, 11:22 PM

I will say I am someone who believes in tough love. If they don't figure it out for themselves now, then they never will and they will always depend on you. I have a relative who is in his 40s and is the same way. His parents always bail him out but one day they won't be able to do so.

shelby897 · 04-28-2007, 12:07 AM

Is your sister related to mine??! Mine owes me a lot of money, "borrowed" over the past 10 years, but it might as well have been a gift, I will never see it again!! Same scenario -- she has my only nephew and I hated to see anything happen to them. But I finally cut her off -- she was making 3x's what I did and wasting it all. You sound like you might be fed up this time, which is the perfect time to say no. As long as you feel comfortable that your sister and her kids have somewhere to go, cut the cord!! Any man who loses decent jobs by his own actions with a family to support needs to get his act together (just in my opinion). You can't help someone who won't help themselves.

drake3272004 · 04-28-2007, 12:25 AM

My advice, tell them no! They need to grow-up and take responsibility for their actions! It's very hard to do and say, I know because my brother was just like this, but just saying no ended up being a lot easier in the long run. He's still not 100% responsible and may never be, but he has gotten better and he doesn't rely on me to bail him out!

HarpoChicoGroucho · 04-28-2007, 12:59 AM

You're not going to believe what my mom just told me --- my sister and her husband are out at a bar right now drinking!!! GRRRRRRR!!!! Instead of saving ANY money, they are out wasting what little bit they apparently DO have. My sister did get paid today, but it was only a couple of hundred dollars -- she could have put SOMETHING toward rent. This is what I'm talking about -- they just absolutely waste their money. Would ANYONE else in the entire world who was going to be evicted within 2 weeks be out in a bar? And even though this angers me to no end, I still keep thinking about the kids. What is wrong with them?

I do know that the people I do care about (not BIL) will not be out on the street, because my parent's home is open to them.

I just have got to find the strength to say no.

Thanks again!

lizziness · 04-28-2007, 01:13 AM

Well, if it were me, their actions tonight would have made my decision very easy ...

i don't know why i am but i am kind of surprised to hear that other people have stories of family members who are as irresponsible as mine. i joke to hubby that between his parents and mine, we're lucky we can even walk upright. it makes me sad but it also makes me a little bit mad because we always make our decisions based on our responsibilities, and when others do not and seem to skate through life like it doesn't matter - it's a slap in the face.

thetimeisn0w · 04-28-2007, 01:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nelie

I will say I am someone who believes in tough love. If they don't figure it out for themselves now, then they never will and they will always depend on you. I have a relative who is in his 40s and is the same way. His parents always bail him out but one day they won't be able to do so.

I completely agree here. If you continue to coddle them they will continue to take advantage of your kindness. One day you really won't be able to help them and they will be very dependent on you and then what? You do know that your sister and her kids will be taken care of, if need be, by your mom. Say no and do yourself (and them) a favor. Good luck! =o)