100 lb. Club - Breaking the "all or nothing" mentality?

Specifically, how the heck do you do it? :)

I know that one of the hardest things for me is accepting that I don't have to be perfect, and have each day look like a precise model for healthy living. I want so much to be normal about food, and let it just BE food, and nothing more - but I also know that when I eat something (even just a little) not so healthy, I tend to think that I've made some grave mistake that renders the day unsalvageable. This is far from normal thinking when it comes to food, and I want very much for it to end.

I once read that throwing in the towel after one bad choice is like breaking a dish, then responding to that by breaking every other dish in the house. It helps to think of it that way, but I still struggle when I actually find myself in this situation. I'm learning that it's very, very tough to break that dieting mindset.....but that's what I want to do more than anything. What finally helped you break that mindset, and what do you do when self-defeating thoughts rear their ugly head?

This was a difficult concept for me to. For me, losing weight meant eating PERFECTLY. If it wasn't perfect, if I slipped up, if I ended up going out to dinner without a healthy choice, if I ate birthday cake - whatever, I gave up. Sometimes for just the day "well, this day is blown, I'm going to eat cheesecake" and sometimes long term "this is too hard, I can't do it, I'll never lose weight, I'm going to eat cheesecake every night!"

One of my personal big successes was FINALLY seeing the big picture - this is not a diet, this is my life. Life is messy. Life is complicated. Life involves social situations involving food. Life is cravings. Life is brithday cake. Life goes offplan.

I needed to be able to handle all of life's complications. Big meeting at work with cheese crackers and wine and I nibbled too much? Well, that's not what I planned for the day, but the day is NOT RUINED. Dinner as a guest at a friend's house and everything is dripping with oil and dessert is fudgey cake? Not a dinner I would have cooked for myself, but it was a fun social situatin and the food was delicious - the day is NOT RUINED.

One meal didn't make me heavy. I was heavy because I ate poorly and made food decisions multiple times a day, every day. I was heavy because I started every day with a venti caramel latte with whip and a 500 calorie muffin. I was heavy because I ate pizza for lunch. I was heavy because I ate M&Ms out of the snack machine every single day at work. I was heavy because I grabbed Taco Bell on the way home. I was heavy because a serving of Girl Scout cookies was a sleeve.

I was NOT heavy because I had one nice dinner at a restaurant with a glass of red wine an entree and I split a dessert with two other people.

I was NOT heavy because I ate 3 handfuls of cashews out of the can in one day.

I was NOT heavy because I ate at a restaurant and I'm not sure of the exact calorie content of the meal.

The most important thing I could do for myself was to FORGIVE myself for eating offplan (maybe I would look at my actions and try to figure out why I did it and maybe work to prevent it from happening in the future) and get RIGHT back on plan at the next opportunity.

I have been in maintenance for 2 years and these "real life food wobbles" happen 3-5 times a week. I sometimes fret about it, but I MOVE ON. I am still at my maintenance weight because I get right back on track, usually the next meal is planned and waiting for me and it makes it convenient to easily slide back into my healthy routine.

I don't know if I let food "be food" - I'm probably more obsessed about food/eating/weight than a big portion of the population, but I no longer let it make me miserable. I am not a failure if I eat out of the sample dishes at Whole Foods (mmm chocolate truffled covered walnuts). I am a human being, wired to crave delicious sugars/fats and I exist in a modern food-centric society. I do the best I can and I forgive myself and I don't let minor setbacks derail my progress!

I too struggle with all or nothing thinking. Not just with my weight & eating but other things too like cleaning house. I have been trying to stop thinking in the "this week is ruined - I'll start again on Monday" & instead restart my committment each day. Baby steps - soon I'll be restarting my committment the next hour.

I'm interested to see the responses.

Glory - I think you had some excellent points. I know I definitely go through periods of making food way more than it is & not being able to enjoy it at all because of that.

I too struggle with all or nothing thinking. Not just with my weight & eating but other things too like cleaning house. I have been trying to stop thinking in the "this week is ruined - I'll start again on Monday" & instead restart my committment each day.

Restart your committment each MEAL!

For me what worked is to faithfully record my food even when it is off plan. I used to have a big dinner out and have no idea about the calorie count so not record it and that usually spiraled into more "not recording"

I make my best most faithful estimate of everything...even if it was a flat out binge, I go back the next day and do the best I can.

For me it gave perspective. Yes it was A LOT. Yes it made me feel ill and icky. But weight wise- what was it? Not really all that significant in the grand scheme of things.

And more importantly it helps me get right back on track instantly. I have been able to halt a binge mid stream by recording what I have done so far.

Awesome post Glory. Thank you so much for sharing that. It is so good to hear from someone like you who has been so successful!!

Wow, Glory87 and Ennay - what wonderful posts. Thank you for sharing that perspective with us, it's really valuable and I'm going to remember what you've said, especially Restart your committment each MEAL!.

Thank you :-)

I'm in total agreement. Great posts!!!!

I have a similiar view. I finally figured out that in order for me to lose all the weight, once and for all and then KEEP it off, that this new way of life would have to be a long term commitment - forever in fact. That's a loooong time. So while setting up a plan for myself, yes I did this very methodically, I realized that I was BOUND to have slip ups. There was noooo way that I could be perfect at keeping to a healthy plan 100% of the time. And then it hit me, I don't have to be. There most certainly is room for error. I always say that I didn't get to be 287 lbs by going back for seconds one time too many. No, I got that way by making bad choices - too much quantity of the wrong foods most of the time. So now it was time to reverse it. Make good and healthy choices in normal sized portions most of the time. And every now and then there will be some, well, not so healthy choices and they might not be in normal sized portions. But that's okay. That really is good enough. The key is don't wait to tomorrow or G-d forbid Monday to start anew. Every meal, every snack is an opportunity to eat well. Each meal/snack is totally seperate from the one before, especailly when having gone off track. Another key for me is to exercise even if I've eaten poorly. No, especially if I've eaten poorly.

The bottom line is I look at slip ups as part of the plan. They are inevitable. I've wasted too many days waiting for a Monday to start over again. And then getting to Monday, fall off track and then wait for yet another Monday. Nuh uh. No more. You fall off track - you get right back on. Just like falling off the horse - you must climb right back on.

thank you for the correction - I'm still working on it!

rockinrobin: thanks for the inspirational post!

Great thread. I've struggled with this as well. I've learned from past mistakes that I can't deny myself all the time. Life is too short to not enjoy it, and honestly, most of the food that is bad for us is enjoyable.

You guys made great points about the difference between the bad stuff as an exception instead of a rule. My goal is to eat right 90% of the time. There's still room for occasional cheeseburgers and birthday cakes. But my foundation remains healthy eating.

I think like Robin and Glory -- slipups are part of the plan. Part of life.

It also helps to make analogies to other life situations. Like suejenn said to start the thread, if you break one plate, do you break them all? If you forgot to pay one bill, are you bankrupt? If you didn't walk your dog today, will the dog never be walked again?

Seeing how I react in other areas of my life helps me see some of how I have been weird with food and diets in the past...and helps me get back on track...

Thank you to Everyone who posted on this thread. It really helps me to know that others have struggled with perfectionist tendencies with weight loss, too...and many of you have been so successful with this weight loss journey. Lifeguard, I can really relate to your post. This all or nothing thinking is so very apparent in all aspects of my life. This is the first time that I've really "gotten" it.....I can make mistakes, but that doesnt mean I'm a quitter and weak. I don't have to start all over..I can just keep going on the journey I already began!

Ya know I've long believed that the parallel between folks with anorexia and folks with weight loss issues is very close. Anorexics spend SO much time obsessing over food and I do too. If I eat ONE thing "wrong" I always feel like I'm doomed to stay fat forever and maybe I am - if I believe I can't be more than my last failure.
I have successfully lost 90 lbs on ww and unsucessfully put back 50 of it - but I think often - how did I do it last time? What made THAT time different than this? And I think my answer is simple - being overweight is a disease that can consume us far more than I would have ever believed and every single day, unless I'm willing to give myself a break and start over - and over until I get it right I'll always "suffer" from the illness of obesity.

I love the phrase - one day at a time, fake it til ya make it...

This is such a good post. I too have struggled with the all or nothing mind set over the years. Yes...it's so important to realize that one thing off your plan isn't going to make you gain weight...it's the continueing on that does. Yes...heaven forbid tomorrow or Monday.

I think we need to 'shout back ' at those thoughts of tomorrow or Monday. Shout and say...tomorrow or Monday can last for weeks, months, years of overeating.

It's important (and hard) to 'forgive' ourselves when we overeat. Must draw that line in the sand and say.... I won't go there again today.

Thanks again.

I have this all or nothing mentality, always have, especially about weight. My mom and sister always point it out, and if I'm going strong on something, they always say, "be careful, don't be too strict on yourself or you know - you know how you are with the all or nothing thing". In fact, they kinda think I'm in that right now.

We went to lunch the other day and they wanted to stop at Cheesecake Factory for dessert to go afterwards. I had enjoyed a very moderate but enjoyable lunch, and really wasn't feeling the need. I mean, cheesecake is delish, but I wasn't "white knuckling" it. My mom kept saying, you know, they say 3 bites of dessert is the way to go to get satisfied. Why not just have 3 bites? I explained that really, I am pretty satisfied right now, and I have just found that it's easier to say no to the first bite than the 4th. So why go there if I'm not dying for it? I have in no way, shape or form told myself that cheesecake will never touch these lips again, I'm just not particularly craving desserts right now.

They dropped the subject and enjoyed their dessert, and I was perfectly fine with it. My thoughts are that I'm really not being all or nothing about it, but if I'm going to be having dessert, it's going to be a special occasion that I've given some thought to, not just a random cheesecake run.

Sorry to go on about myself on your thread, but I've been thinking a lot about this lately and I need to make sure I don't crash and burn like I always have. I honestly don't think I am, but I gotta keep an eye on it! BTW, I'm thinking I'll have a couple mini chocolates on trick or treat night! :D

I've struggled with all or nothing thinking for such a long time. So many of us do. It was the reason I gave up so many times before. I was either all in (working out 2-3 hours a day, eating perfectly on plan without any off plan foods) or I was all out (completely sedentary eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it). There was absolutely no in between. When I found weight loss to be too difficult, and it was with as difficult as I made it, I simply gave up.

Then one I day I decided I didn't have to be all in or all out. There was middle ground. I made a promise to myself that if I found this was getting too difficult, it was ok to just back off. I did not have to quit entirely.

I've found a good middle ground with exercise. I can push as hard as I want to, but I can also fall back on my basic, which is spinning 3 days a week and lifting 2 days a week. I can be perfect with my diet, but it's ok if I have birthday cake too.

I think the "all or nothing" mentality when it comes to dieting is more a social construct than an internally generated one. It isn't something we created, it's something we learned. Almost everyone does it, because it's how we're "taught" to diet. Oh, we're all told not to do it, but we also watch almost everyone go ahead and do it anyway.

Parents say "Do what I say, and not what I do," and what do children learn? What their parents do of course.

Even as adults, we copy what we see more than we copy what we hear - and that's just a human trait. If you're given an employee handbook, if the book contradicts what you see everyone else do, more people follow their coworkers examples than the handbook's instructions. If we see a rule that everyone breaks, chances are we'll break it too.


I've been in and out of weight loss groups like Weight Watchers and TOPS since I was 5 years old, and I've heard that all-or-nothing mentality is counterproductive, but I don't know if I've seen anyone diet any other way. It was how my mother and grandmother dieted. It was how all of the women in all of the meetings admitted that they dieted. It's how I saw the people on the sitcoms and the talk shows diet. My college room mates (even the ones who were tiny)...

I realize that I don't know anyone personally who broke the mold (at least not anyone who talked about it).

Just to make it this far, I've had to unlearn a lot of things I didn't even know that I believed. I "knew" they were untrue, but I acted as if they weren't just because I suppose it was the only way I had ever seen it being done. It felt out of my control, but I think it was more "default" mode. If I'm not paying attention, the "default" or "autopilot" becomes what I've internalized as the "normal," response.

I have to remind myself many times during a day that the "normal" thing where food is concerned is usually the counterproductive thing. I have to do what seems "unnatural" to me, and while some of it is becoming my normal and routine, there's still a lot that feels unnatural. I have to "rebel" against normal.

I've never been much of a rebel before. I was the "good girl" who did everything parents and teachers expected. Any rebelling I did was in my imagination. I'm getting better at being as unique in reality as I am in my imagination, but it's a constant struggle against "normality."

Focus on making healthy choices, not the number on the scale.

I definitely think it's a gender thing as well. How many women have you heard say I ate something "bad" or I was so "bad" yesterday? Now think about how many men you have heard say that. I don't believe I have ever heard a man do it. In general men have a healthier body image and self esteem. Not to say plenty of them don't overeat, but women really beat themselves up over it, I feel so sad when I hear women say "I really hate myself". The media and society have really screwed with our minds, I think that's why it's all or nothing for a lot of us.

What seems to be working for me is to narrow my focus to the moment. I just try to make the best choice every time I am faced with a choice. I don't worry about the previous choice or the next choice, just the choice in front of me at the moment.

That means when I do occasionally make a poorer choice, which (as Robin and others noted) I sometimes do, I don't have to think of it as an entire enormous multi-month project down the drain. I don't set goals like "be on plan for a day/week/month/year" because then even one poor choice means I haven't met that goal. Instead it's just one choice at a time. I just say, oops, let me think a little about why I made a poor choice, and next time I'll make a better choice. And that's it - the bad choice is history.

I love this thread!

I too have learned that this is a complete lifestyle overhaul. It's just what I do when I get up in the morning. There is no more 'doing whatever it takes' to get the weight off and then going back to the old ways that got me there in the first place. Honestly, I can't ever believe I once thought that way! For me, losing weight was always easy but impossible to keep off. Well, no wonder with that mind set!

So, yes, I slip up on occasion but I get right back on track within a day. I wish I could say by the next meal, but that would be lying. However, that is my goal and I'm getting better at it as each day passes by ;)

So, this is my life now. I make better choices. I know my triggers. It's just what I get up and do, and frankly I'm loving it more often than not. I don't feel deprived. I've learned to make the connections between what I put in my mouth and how it makes me feel. So many bad habits I once justified by saying it made me feel better. You know what? They don't. Fudge really doesn't make me feel better and believe it or not, it tastes better in my head than it does on my tongue so why use my calories that way???

I feel rather free....;) I don't have to obsess, I just need a plan. And, I have a plan. I don't have to be perfect, I just have to go back to my plan. And, I do.

That in my book means I'm successful :)

ANewCreation, that is IT!!!!!!!! :D

Glory87 you summed this up perfectly!! Some how you penned exactly what my heart and mind have been going through these past few months.
All my life trying to diet I have thrown out the baby with the bath water when I ate one thing high in calories I would throw away the whole diet plan. I would blame that one thing for blowing it.

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
Switchfoot

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Great topic and GREAT responses. Thanks for the inspiration everyone.

My "all or nothing" problem is different. It's not that if I slip up, I keep going, it's that I tend to have very high expectations for myself, and I figure that if I can't meet those expectations, why bother? So if other people exercise 5 days a week, I need to exercise 7, or I am a slacker. If other people limit themselves to 1200 calories a day, I should be able to limit myself to 1000, or I am weak.

This time I around, I've been really good about avoiding this type of thinking, but it's been work--I've had to remind myself every day that just because I could STAND to eat a little less, doesn't mean I should make that choice, just because I physically COULD exercise a little more doesn't mean it's a good idea. By holding back a bit, by not giving 110% every day, I've managed to keep going for 16 months, when before I always burned out after 6.

Basically, I used to try to torture the weight off, and I think on some level I really believed that fat = lazy, indulgent, bad and the way you got rid of it was through suffering (yes, I was raised Catholic, why do you ask?), so anything that relieved suffering was being bad and lazy. Under that type of thinking, eating an extra 150 grams of chicken breast is exactly the same as eating chocolate cake--both are stopping the pain, so to speak--so when I cracked, I went for the cake.

Basically, I used to try to torture the weight off, and I think on some level I really believed that fat = lazy, indulgent, bad and the way you got rid of it was through suffering (yes, I was raised Catholic, why do you ask?), so anything that relieved suffering was being bad and lazy. Under that type of thinking, eating an extra 150 grams of chicken breast is exactly the same as eating chocolate cake--both are stopping the pain, so to speak--so when I cracked, I went for the cake.

Oh man, you just verbalized something that I haven't quite been able to put my finger on. This is me.