This comes on the heels of Pookie’s post where she made her public declaration (Little square Invitations in the mail) and I added mine. I have to kind of laugh at myself. Why? Because of all the times in the past that I have made “declarations” and then have done nothing.
This one comes to mind from 2005…
I just can't do it anymore. I can't have one more conversation about how I know exactly what to do about my weight, yet I just don't do it. Not one more word about how my weight is starting to affect my health, yet I continue to eat. Not another thought about when I am going to start again "for good".
Bottom line is that I feel horrible. My legs hurt, my feet hurt. Movement is exhausting. I look terrible, clothes don't fit. I am snug in my car. I worry about losing my job and somehow having to find another one. What if I had to go into Chicago and ride the train daily? That was hard to do at 215...it would be impossible now. I have lost the real me - the weight has taken over. If there is a rock bottom, I have hit it. I look in the mirror and think "who is that?"
Monday at WW I gained 3 lbs. Guess I didn't have as good of a week as I thought I did. Yeah, I guess not!!! I have been going to WW for 12 weeks and have lost a total of 4 lbs. In 12 weeks. What a waste. WASTE - that's what I am doing with my life. I am wasting it.
Mark today down - April 13, 2005. I weigh 322.2. It's over, I'm done. I will not live another day like this. I have an extra 177 lbs that I carry around with me every day. It's no wonder I am exhausted and my legs hurt!!!! That is like carrying around 3 1/2 Jacobs and never ever getting to set them down.
Today I started my new life and every day from today on, my main goal will be to improve my health. I WILL lose this weight. I WILL become someone who is active on a daily basis. I WILL find the Sandi that once was. She's awesome; I can't wait for you to meet her. Nothing and No one will stand in my way. My health is #1. Nothing else will come before it.
That lasted 6 weeks. I got down to 308.8 (total of 13.4 lbs lost) I didn’t track my weight again for 26 weeks (which means I wasn’t on plan) and at that point I weighed 329.
I think I am most remembered for this heart tugging declaration in 2003…
Jacob – I promise you...
June 13, 2003 - 3:06 pm
Jacob – I promise you...
That starting right now, not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, right now I will stick to my weight loss program. I will do what I need to do to become a healthy, active, vibrant mom for you. I love you with all my heart and soul and this is going to be my gift to you. I want to be there when you go off to 1st grade, I want to be there when you graduate, I want to be there when you get married. I just want to be there for you. You deserve to have a mom who is of normal weight and is healthy. Who can run with you and play tag. Who want to go to the water park and go on roller coaster rides. You deserve to have a lap to sit on. I will do this for you. You don’t know yet that I am fat, you have never been made fun of for having a fat mom. I will start now and maybe those things (that would break my heart) will never have to happen. You will be the thought that keeps me going when this journey gets tough. You will be my rock. And by helping myself I will be helping you. I will teach you as I learn to eat healthy. My good habits will become your good habits. I refuse to pass my sickness on to you. You don’t know yet that I am sick. So starting now, I will make myself well. I don’t want you to ever sit in a hospital waiting room and say to dad, “How come mom never just lost the weight?”. I want you to say “Well, at least she is strong and healthy, that should help her heal quickly”.
I think often about what life would be like if we ever lost your dad. Well, I think, then I’d get healthy and strong because I’d be all you had. But I just realized, I have it all wrong. What if my weight has already deteriorated my health and then he is called up. Then what. It’ll be too late. And also, I love you and your dad so much. Don’t you and your dad deserve the best of me. I am not at my best at this weight. It is constantly hanging over every day, every event. Don’t we as a family deserve the best right now. I am so lucky to have the 2 of you. I want to give you the best. And starting now, I will.
So, Jacob, my dear sweet 2 year old, to you…I promise.
I don’t have my weight logged for that time frame, but I might have been logging it somewhere else, but I can tell you there was no huge lasting loss.
The bottom line is that I make these huge declarations and start out doing great and then 2, 3, 6 or even 8 weeks into it, I die off and go off plan and gain it all back. I have been doing this for 20 years.
I haven’t made any huge declarations in a few years. Even I got tired of hearing it. And then somewhere along the way, I quit believing it. I start over all the time, but I don’t think I believed I could really do it. Even when I read these declarations, I think wow, I haven’t been that determined in a long time.
But here’s the thing…if I don’t believe that I can and will lose this weight. Then I am defeated from the start. So I am back with a declaration. A declaration to start again. Try again. Take the good with the bad and learn how to move past the mistakes I make and KEEP GOING!! And once again believe that I will do it this time.
Once I start I can do pretty good. It doesn’t bother me to be “on plan” and I feel pretty good. My #1 problem is that in my brain, there is being “on plan” or “off plan”. No room for in-between. So when I have a slip, I go off plan and stay off plan. My brain knows that it’s just one mistake and that the best thing is to get right back on plan, but that is rarely the case with me. I know that’s what I should do, but it’s not what I do. And I have never been one to be “perfect”, so it is imperative that I learn how to deal with a slip.
Starting today, the plan is 1800 calories and daily exercise. But along with that I am going to really try and eat healthier. Protein with every meal, more fiber. Although I believe that no food should ever be off limits, I also believe that what you eat matters as much as how much.
Recently I had tried blogging, but it’s a lonely place. I need my community, I need 3FC. So I am back in the game, playing for keeps.
03-26-2007, 10:18 AM
Sandy, I hear your heart in this. I can so relate with this. We have ALL had times of broken promises, but as I recently told my son (and as you already know) we become failures when we quit trying. If at first you don't success, try - try - try again. Even though I have been where you are so many times myself, I simply decided that 2007 is MY year. There wasn't one of those perverbial "now or never moments" that many have and then go on to great losses. I just simply made the decision - just as if I would make the decision to get in my car and go somewhere. I have decided to get on the wagon and "go somewhere." That "somewhere" is to my goal weight - I don't care if it takes me 2 years....I'm getting there.
You can do this! :hug: I look forward to watching your progress as we both continue on our journey to health. No matter the pace, just KEEP going forward!!
03-26-2007, 10:26 AM
Sandi.. I'm here with you .. every step. How many years have I been here? - too many. We should be in bikinis by now, eh? That's water under the bridge.
You said you have a hard time with the time between "on plan" and "off plan"
Here's the deal. You said it yourself - no food is off limits. So you are NEVER "off plan" Like it or not.... you are always on plan. Sometimes you are just better at being on your plan. Make sense?
When I eat something I shouldn't I now realize that this is a treat and it must be counted. I know that no matter what I can never quit - never go "off plan" I might take a break - have a special event. But no matter what - I can NEVER QUIT.
Sandi you deserve this.. you are worth this. YOU CAN DO THIS. I know you are a great person now. I can't wait to see you 50 lbs gone from now!
Love to you girl!
03-26-2007, 10:28 AM
Sandi ~ we all have been there at one point or another. I am so glad I have my 3FC friends to turn to, unless you've BEEN there, you just don't understand. 2007 is OUR TIME.....it is the beginning of the rest of our lives....we have the support of one another here, and that with our OWN willpower, we WILL DO THIS!!
03-26-2007, 10:31 AM
I get it! I really really get it! I've started over so many times. And, I also have that little niggle in the back of my mind that says "You won't really stick with it. You'll eventually quit again." I also have the problem with perfectionisim....if I go off-plan, I've messed up and have to start all over again. And, sometimes I don't start all over again for a few weeks, or months, or years! So many of my 3FC friends, that joined around the same time as I did, have lost so much weight! I am a bit embarrased that I have to keep re-committing. But, I also need my 3FC. I need the support and the encouragement to keep going. This is one of the hardest things I have ever attempted and I really really want to succeed!
So, I'm with you...and Pookie. I'm back in the game, too. I believe we will find our way as long as we keep trying.
03-26-2007, 10:39 AM
Sandi, reading your post felt like I wrote it. If I had a nickel for every attempt I made to lose the weight once and for all, well, I would have had plastic surgery and had every ounce of fat sucked out of me by now. LOL. I constantly ask myself, what makes this time different? And you know what? I can't explain it. It just IS. I think you have reached an IS moment yourself. We can do this! Look around. People like us ARE doing this everyday!
03-26-2007, 10:41 AM
Sandi - good luck to you! You can do it. :)
03-26-2007, 10:47 AM
You can do it, Sandi!
03-26-2007, 10:57 AM
Sandi, that was really something. You really put yourself out there. I feel for you. So much in fact. Because of course that was me. All the broken promises, all the dreams, all the false starts. The good thing about this, is that the past doesn't matter. What matters is NOW. You can do this. It IS doable. Take it a meal at a time if need be. Plan, plan and then plan some more. I know for me cutting back didn't help me. I had to make the foods I was eating nutritionally sound. First of all it's what's best for you, will keep you full longer, will stave off cravings and here's one of the most important things - it changes your entire frame of mind. You start eating like a healthy person, you start to THINK like a healthy person and then of course you become that healthy person. It is the most incredible gift you can give to yourself and your family. And so incredibly rewarding. Far more rewarding then all of the high quantity/high calorie food ever was.
Sandi, you can do this. I know you can. I know it for sure. I don't have a doubt in my mind. We're here for you 24/7. *hugs*
03-26-2007, 11:03 AM
That could have been written by ME any number of times over the years. This time is different for me. I am just doing it. Making small changes and hoping to improve my health and in turn hoping the weight will come off eventually. Its daunting to look at what I have to lose in one large sum. I am trying to take it a day at a time. Seems more doable. I hope this makes some sense. :dizzy:
03-26-2007, 11:03 AM
Sandi, we've all done this a million times. I don't know anyone who gained weight then instantly took it all off the first time she tried. Every time we try, we learn more about ourselves. That doesn't make it easier, I know, but just know that you CAN do it. The times you've tried before don't even matter at this point -- what matters is today and what you do with it. And then tomorrow it will be the same. And the next day after that. You can't think about the past, and you can't think too far into the future. "One day at a time" really is the secret.
And we're here for you every step of the way, just as you're always here for us!! :hug:
03-26-2007, 11:21 AM
I, too, could have written your post. I have promised myself over and over again that "this is it, this is the time!" and yet here I am. I also struggle with the "on plan, off plan" thing. So I am right here with you. Everyday that we get up, eat nutritiously, move and come here for support is a sweet victory. As we build on those victories we will see success. Recently I read the book "You on a Diet." I liked their take on going off plan. Basically they compared it to going off some place in the car. If you made a wrong turn you wouldn't continue driving off in that direction or you wouldn't just turn around and go home, you would make a U-turn as quick as possible and get back on your journey. I have read that part over and over again to really take it to heart. If I make a choice that is a wrong turn all I need to do is make a You-turn and continue my journey. So much better than binging and
binging for months and years on end. I'm glad to be on this journey with such terrific people.
03-26-2007, 12:19 PM
Sandi -- you made me cry...but in a good way!! I've lost my way for the past few weeks, just gradually losing track and heading in the wrong direction, like so many of us do. But thank you, thank you, thank you -- you brought me back today. My son turned 4 yesterday and I ate way too much, including cake/ice cream for breakfast this morning. I had given up. You brought me back to reality. Actually, your son brought me back!! I want to lose weight for me -- but really it's my kid's that motivate me. I have a 7 year old that I can't be there for because of my weight -- he's heading in the same direction because for the first 5 years of his life I was totally inactive and didn't teach him well. My 4 year old lucked out, I've at least become more active since he came along. I want to be "myself" not who I feel people see when they see a 250 some pound woman. I'm buried inside of my appearance. I want to be the fun mom!! I have such guilt over how I parent because my mood, etc. is so based on my weight.
So, I'm back in the game!! I'm ready to do this. I'm tired of trying to explain why I lose track, what a waste of time. Just jump back in and get going. I've wasted a year of exercising almost five days a week at the YMCA by coming home and eating what I burned. I would be thin by now! I'm with all of you -- I'm in this as a change of life, not a diet. It's time to put food in it's place and to stop letting it control me.
Good luck Sandi (and everyone else), no one ever said it would be easy, but just ask Robin :) -- it's so worth the struggles!!
03-26-2007, 01:01 PM
Sandi, how honest and brave and strong you are. It takes a buttload of courage to say, "I've been committed to this before, and I can do it again!" Of course, you wrote your post in a self-deprecating manner, but what shines through is the opposite: the inner strength to accept past "failures" for what they are: learning curves on the road to your goal.
Take the good with the bad and learn how to move past the mistakes I make and KEEP GOING!! … It doesn’t bother me to be “on plan” and I feel pretty good. My #1 problem is that in my brain, there is being “on plan” or “off plan”. No room for in-between. So when I have a slip, I go off plan and stay off plan. My brain knows that it’s just one mistake and that the best thing is to get right back on plan, but that is rarely the case with me. I know that’s what I should do, but it’s not what I do. And I have never been one to be “perfect”, so it is imperative that I learn how to deal with a slip.
I think a refocusing of perfectionist tendencies is in order here. I'm perfectionist too. Having that "off-plan" food or day is utter torture!
The perfect diet plan isn't the one where you are "on plan" 24-7. No one is! Ever!
The perfect diet plan is the one where you accept that "off plan" food IS PART OF THE PLAN. Ahead of time. Where you decide that off-plan food is part of the plan. Where you KNOW that off-plan food will get into your belly from time to time, as much as you know the sun rises and sets.
The weight-training world knows this. Every muscle-building plan I've read has meticulously planned diets along the lines of what we going for mainly fat loss do (in their planning, not entirely their composition). And every single one also tells would-be weightlifters that an "off day" or "off meals" are imperative, because no one can eat perfectly 24-7.
03-26-2007, 01:32 PM
Good luck! I really hope you are able to achieve your goal this time and that you can put all your past efforts behind you and enjoy the future.
I've also started my diet so many times before that my brain doesn't really expect me to suceed this time, but I'm hoping that a lot of hard work and the support of everyone here will mean I do.
03-26-2007, 02:34 PM
I think you are so totally awesome and you inspire me! And believe me that is hard to do......I'm not inspired often in life.......
I can so relate you all of what you have gone through and are going through.
I'm sure many of us on this board can relate.
You are so strong in your admittance of the past.....
but today is a new day......
and we are all here for ya.....
you can do it!!!
03-26-2007, 03:12 PM
Sandi, you are a fighter, and no matter what, you will succeed. It took me years of starting and stopping Weight Watchers before I succeeded in losing weight. Along the way, you learn a lot about yourself and what works and doesn't work for you.
03-26-2007, 03:51 PM
It's all been said so well by so many. A big thank you, Sandi, for sharing. I joined not very long ago and as you can see from my slider, I'm doing so well.... not! I've been easing into this "on plan" stuff and it is showing in my success rate. I need to make a stronger effort.
My point is that I, too, could have written that. I am so with you on this. I am glad that you put your heart out there for us all to share with you. I agree that sticking with 3FC is the way to go. I could see retreating into the shell and not trying, but with an inspiration like you and what you wrote, I feel that I can continue. Whatever it takes!!!
I'm with you Sandi!!!!!!!!! Hang in there! :hug:
03-26-2007, 06:53 PM
Wow, did I write that?! I can't count how many times I write out, "this is it. I'm doing it this time." It's kinda funny, or sad rather, how I am so much better at keeping promises to anyone but myself. It's amazing how much it takes a toll on your self worth. To think there is no point because you know you are only lying to yourself anyways.. well that's just sad.
03-26-2007, 09:26 PM
You have so much heart! I think it has been said in just about every post - that what you have written could have come from any one of us. I know I have started and faltered so many times.
You can do this, we are going to be here cheering you on!
03-26-2007, 10:05 PM
Gosh, Sandi. You struck a chord for me, too. How many restarts, do-overs, impassioned and heartfelt declarations have I made? Not just about weight, but about money, writing, cleaning!, and so much more.
The key is, you gotta do it one more time to succeed. The only way to fail is to give up forever. Trying and trying again is better than that.
So make your plan (I'll make mine too) and let's get at it again.
03-26-2007, 10:35 PM
I've been there too. I had gotten to the point where I had given up and thought I was doomed to obesity for the rest of my life. I know losing weight isn't necessarily easy, but on the other hand, being obese is much more difficult.
Now step back and look at all of the friends who want to support you. When you need help getting back on plan, hop online and let us help you. :hug:
03-26-2007, 11:40 PM
Sandi -- As you've been reading, this is so many of us. That was me, until 2005. I didn't really think I could do it, but I have done it. I'm not exactly sure what was different this time.
I guess the thing to remember is that you can get it wrong 100 times, but you only have to get it right once! :hug:
03-27-2007, 03:47 AM
You know I'm pulling for you. :) Always.
03-27-2007, 09:51 AM
Yup that could be me as well. I've been on this board for almost 8 years and haven't lost a lbs that I haven't regained but I've loved being here. When I first found this board it was such a relief to know there were others that had the same struggles as I did when it came to losing weight. I don't know why but back then I felt very isolated about being overweight.
I know it is hard not to think of food in terms of all or nothing. We all have a real love/hate relationship with food, in someways food isn't what it is supposed to be, that is fuel for our bodies, it is an emotion. When we are happy we eat, when we are sad we eat, there is a food for every social event, holiday or celebration and every way we can possibly feel. I don't want to stop enjoying my food, I'd like to continue to be able to appreciate good food, the flavours, the textures, the sublties of great cooking but I would also like to disassociate these emotions from food, maybe then I would have better success losing weight.
03-27-2007, 12:46 PM
:hug: :hug: Thanks Everyone!! :hug: :hug:
I knew I had to post this because I knew you guys would be behind me all the way. There is something about knowing that you are not alone. I needed to be reminded that everyone who is a success story now has failed before. I really believe that I will do it this time. You frame of mind makes such a difference in your success. I am visulaizing my success...I can see it. I can see myself making it through the "slips" and learning to get past them.
Dana - I like the thought of never being off plan, just better and worse days. I am turning 40 in December and am planning on walking into that party 100 lbs thinner!
Robin - Unlike before where I had the midset that a calorie is a calorie, along with getting thin, I also want to be healthier. With the high choleateral and pre-diabetic I have no choice but to choose the healthier options. So this time, although nothing is off-limits, I am making my every day foods much healthier.
Casey - I am reading you on a deit too...Great book so far!
shelby897 - I'm glad my post helped you as much as it helped me.
Luminous - I guess I didn't realize that my post was self-deprecating, but when I go back and read it...the first part is. I guess I felt the need to qualify myself, to let people know that I do realize how many times I've said this before. Maybe I thought that would help me not be so embarrased.
Thanks to all of you!! It really means alot to me to know that you are all with me. I am gald for the "losers", you are showing me that it really can be done. I am glad for others like me who are just starting "again", you help me feel not so alone. And I am glad for the lurkers, who are not ready. Because maybe today is their day to start once and for all.
Day 1 was a complete success. 1756 healthy calories and 45 mins of water aerobics. I'm on my way baby!
03-27-2007, 01:43 PM
Sandi, I did the same thing for 20 years as well. I would get so...I don't even know how to describe it. I never wrote any declarations, but they were definitely SINGING in my head the first few weeks of any diet. The feeling never lasted. I honestly can't tell you why this last time was different, maybe because I finally found something I liked? Maybe because I really liked the way it made me feel, it was easy for me to stick to.
Anyway, I have definitely been there. Anytime you want to PM for buddy support, please do!!
03-27-2007, 09:52 PM
Down with diets! Up with a healthy lifestyle. I'm just doing my best to make healthy choices, and you can,too. If you are always on a diet, you'll feel deprived and binge. If you go off it, you'll feel like a loser and eat more. Resolve to get healthy because you deserve it!
03-29-2007, 07:00 PM
Oh, Sandi :hug:
You know I'm right there with you.
I joined here, at the very same time as your 2005 declaration. I have felt very close to you the entire time I've been a member here.
I had so much hope in those days. I made it halfway to my goal!
Today I am fatter than I have ever been in my life and find myself drowning in this loss of hope (for weight loss, NOT for life in general). But it is affecting my life in general. I don't want to see anyone because of this tremendous shame I carry for such a failure.
I find myself fighting myself every single night...and every night I lose to the terrible dialog of failure in my mind.
I want to be at the point of a fresh declaration, but I can't seem to get there now because I just keep telling myself, "What's the point....you always fail anyway"
I am so proud of you, and want desperately to be at the point where you are today. I am so angry at myself.
03-29-2007, 08:32 PM
Not to hijack Sandi's post, but I just want to virtual hug Linda for a second. It's not a test you only get one chance to pass, every day, every meal, every food choice is an opportunity to be healthier. I worked on this for 20 years before I figured it out for me, I'm sure glad I never gave up!!!
03-29-2007, 08:38 PM
Hang in there. Your post seemed to have so much despair. I can understand it as I am sure a lot of us can. I hope you start posting more often and maybe find some inspiration here.
03-29-2007, 08:48 PM
Linda, I've missed you!!! And I know exactly how you feel. It took me soooo many attemps and false starts over the past 20 years til I finally got it right. Luckily we only need to get it right one time - the last time. And when you DO get it right, and you will, all those years of misery and failure will be overshadowed by success and happiness. Those failures will be a distant memory. You can't ever give up on this, it's just too important. You're too important.
03-30-2007, 12:55 PM
:hug: :hug: My friend Linda :hug: :hug:
I am so happy to see you back on the boards. I've really missed you.
You know, it took a lot of courage to post what you did. Maybe that's a start. A start down the path of being hopeful and not hopeless.
That negative dialog in your head can really do a number on you. It's time to turn that around girl. You are such a wonderful person, no matter what you weigh. It's just a number on the scale. Don't let that rule you. Think about it this way...you weigh 100 lbs less than me. Hey, that's worth doing the :carrot: dance! It could be worse.
Ok, so you are not ready right now to start. Fine, accept that and be happy. You'll start again, when you are ready. That point will come. For me a lot of it started when I started being more active in the boards. Sometimes seeing that it can be done goes a long way in believing you can do it.
You can come here and read and encourage and complain...whatever. But being with people who get it...helps.
Love Ya Babe!!! :hug:
03-30-2007, 02:52 PM
Glory, Robin, Diane and Sandi....THANK YOU :hug:
Gosh.....I can't stand the feeling of being in despair, but like Diane said...that is definitely where I am :yes:
Those of you who know me....definitley know that despair is not a place I generally live my life. For the most part, I live my life in hope and positivity. So, it does suck to be here in this sad place.
I have never left this board, I've always been here, reading. It just seems silly and hypocritical in my mind to post when I'm so down on myself! I feel badly because I haven't been offering encouragement lately.
I feel like every time I post....I am simply whining about something only I have control over. I know what needs to be done...I've succeeded twice before, so I do know that I can do it...it's just finding the strength to allow the positive side of myself to beat down that negativity that's difficult.
I seem to be allowing the negative side of myself to control me because it's easier than doing the work it takes to turn it around.....even my psyche is LAZY!!!! :lol:
So, I will say this for today. I will start posting more often...and offer encouragement to others. I will start to try to turn this terrible thinking around, and make a conscious effort to fight the negativity that is screaming so loudly these days. I will remind myself of all the good things about me...and stop beating myself up so badly. THAT should foster some change...don't you think?
SANDI...I love you....how are you doing today?
:hug: :hug: and thank you again
03-30-2007, 03:08 PM
You know, I think that this theme is being echoed a lot lately. (Since I only joined in late February, I can't really say I have a ton of experience with posting, but...) But I have noticed that many have said that they don't want to post only when they are frustrated or whiney or ranting or whatever frame of mind. I had even put in a post that I felt like a fraud when I posted comments as to what OTHERS should do when I have so much trouble doing it myself!
My new point of view is that I actually find it helpful to try to encourage others when they are down. It helps me when I have to search for the reasons why you should continue and why to stay positive in the journey. Maybe then it helps to keep my own journey on track.
We are all, or have been, in similar situations and I don't think it is hypocritical to participate in any conversations. I love the feeling of community here. I feel so comfortable talking with everyone here. :grouphug:
03-30-2007, 11:56 PM
I've been busy with my own stuff (medical) but wanted to say hey, lady! I know how you're feeling! Both you & my Linda. :hug: If it's not one thing, it's another. I have come to terms with the fact I am a stress eater. Am I ready to stop stress eating? Not today, it seems. :dz: But I am ready to try again tomorrow, and the next day & the next day after that.
By the time I have time to post (now!) I feel like I've missed out on most of the day. But I couldn't just lurk tonight, had to say, I know you can do this, Sandi. I know you can do this, too, Linda. And I know I can do this, too. Hopefully this year, but I am not going to be mean to myself if I don't get to my goal weight or even Two-derville this year. I will just keep swimming, just keep swimming, until I get it right.
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: to all.
03-31-2007, 02:53 AM
First, Sandi, thanks so much for spelling out for all of us the confusing and painful tangle of motivations and results that each of us thought was/is our private ****. You know now you're not alone, and today so many more of us know it, too. Thankyou for taking our support, and making it further your own commitment. I know many of us despair of reaching our own goals, but if our support can really help someone else, well then hope reopens for us too! In the last 30 years, I've been in your ****, in my own despair, helped others just by seeing them for the miracles they are, and also found further steps toward my own hopes. I've repeated the cycle many times, felt inefficient, a failure, worthless, all the rest. I'm trying to be at peace about the whole thing, and it's still lots of work, but so worthwile, because I'm worth it. Why should I disbelieve the people who love me just as I am? The bottom line is, we are all loved by people who know us well, because we are all worth it!
And Linda, I didn't understand the depths of your feelings before, on another thread earlier. Yes it's possible to manage one's thought patterns, as I posted in response then. But when you're plunged into deep despair, self-loathing, or grief, just to name a similar state which is better understood and forgiven, you're going to need time and understanding. Forget the intellectual stuff, time for that later. No need to pretend things aren't sucking, just lean on anyone who cares about you, okay? Don't worry about the healthy balance you want to find, just yet, it's one step at a time. Maybe down the road you can be someone else's leaning post, but first you have to find ways to pick yourself up (or be picked up) and take the next step. That already takes real work! Keep breathing, forgive yourself, you're human too.
And one of the most valuable things I ever heard, in the middle of a really sucky (for me) medical weight loss program that otherwise didn't work, was: "Just think where you would be today, if you hadn't tried at all? Weighing MUCH more, unable to move, waiting for people to feed and change you. On kidney dialysis for the rest of your life. Painful blood clots forming in your legs. Limbs amputated from diabetic infections that became gangrenous. Chest pains, trouble breathing. Impacted lower plumbing. Blind from diabetic retinopathy. Waiting for the next series of heart attacks &/or strokes. A big worry to family and local paramedics who will need special equipment to get you to help. Maybe instead, just a passing, painful memory to the ones who now joyfully love and support you. Your own hard work has already saved you from all of that!"
So, take heart however you can, Linda and Sandi, and give yourselves a bit of credit. Make no mistake, you already deserve it!
03-31-2007, 11:08 AM
Becoming Wisdom: Wow! That was so well written... eloquent. You have nailed it and I agree with what all you said. Now, heading into the weekend (not my best on plan times!), I am thankful that I read what you wrote.
Sandi: Thanks for starting this thread. It's amazing how these grow into something so great and so beneficial for all.