General chatter - Need Some Advice...




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Trixie14
03-23-2007, 05:52 PM
Ok so my boyfriend and I are still living with his parents, unfortunatly, were trying as hard as we can to save up enough money to get out, were hoping July 1 will be the day we finally get out of here, it's getting hard though b/c my boyfriend is between jobs, he is working as a temp right now through a placement agency so we have no idea how long that will last, and not many places around here are hiring, I've had tons of interviews but no job yet..but I'm still looking, and both of his parents arn't working either, his mom quit her job 6 months or more ago and hasn't found anything else either, his stepdad isn't working much either, but its closer to summer now so more places should start hiring.

Anyway..my boyfriend is working afternoons, and his mom asked me to go for a walk on wednesday, I find it hard to say no to her or just tell her I'd rather not b/c I don't want to piss her off and she wouldn't just say "ok that's fine" she'd ask why not and try to talk me into it...so I figured what could it hurt? and I said sure...I was so scared she would try to talk to me about recent problems going on here or get answers out of me about things that we'd rather her not know, I figured this was her way of trying to talk to me without my boyfriend around..but she didn't, it was fine, so I agreed to go again on thursday...

Well thursday didn't go so well, she started to ask some questions, and decided to stick her nose where it doesn't belong and offer advice I really didn't care for, by saying that she thinks my boyfriend and I need therapy and that that we both have issues were not dealing with. I know she may think she is just trying to help, but I didn't really appreciate it..she has no idea what I've been through, and whether or not I've dealt with it, and she made it sound as if everything that has happened here is our fault, and were the only ones with problems to deal with.

Our problem, is them. We are both so stressed out just trying to get jobs and save money, and his parents keep harping on us for EVERYTHING...his mom thinks that everything we do is their business, but yet everything they do is none of our business, and were causing them nothing but grief...they say that we eat all the food in the house, yet we buy food for me to eat, and my boyfriend pretty much lives off of cigarettes and coca-cola, the only meal we eat that is "their food" is dinner, and that is when his mom makes something, they pretty much blame us for their bills, trying to get more money from us to help pay their bills, but they expect us to save money and move out too. Everytime we get a little money saved up, my boyfriend will lose his job and then we have to use some of the money we have saved to pay our own bills and they still expect room and board so then were back to the beginning everytime he gets a new job..

I just don't really want to go for walks with her, not b/c I don't want to walk, I like to walk, and I'm always asking my boyfriend to go for walks with me, but I just don't want to go with her, I know that every walk she is just going to try and give me more "advice" and ask more questions to try and get answers from me b/c she knows I won't say "It's none of your business" I wish I could...I just can't...I'm afraid of pissing her off and having his parents have more to harp at us about...It's just really ackward and weird but I don't know how to get out of it...:(


Puncezilla
03-23-2007, 06:39 PM
Hi Trixie , I'm probably not much help, You are in a dificult position and I certainly feel for you. hang in there I'm sure things will get better for you soon. I would go on the walks but try telling your MIL that you like to use walking to relax and think about positive things and have some quiet time, if she cant understand that then just don't go. You are doing your best to improve your life so don't let anyone elses opinion get you down. Good luck.

JayEll
03-23-2007, 07:19 PM
You need to be living somewhere else. Why aren't you? Why is it that your bf loses his job just about the time you have enough saved to move out?

It seems reasonable to be paying room and board if you're staying with them.

This isn't about taking walks or someone asking nosy questions. It's about figuring out life, isn't it? Wow... tough stuff! But you two HAVE to figure out how to be adults and live on your own. And if you can't figure it out together, maybe you'll have to do it by yourself. Do you still want to be living there in a year? Five years?

Reading about your situation made me feel like I'm wearing clothes that are too tight in a room that's too small... I really hope you can find your way out of it! As for the walks, take walks by yourself if that's better.

I sure hope you can make those changes! Best of luck to you!

Jay


Trixie14
03-23-2007, 08:52 PM
You need to be living somewhere else. Why aren't you? Why is it that your bf loses his job just about the time you have enough saved to move out?

It seems reasonable to be paying room and board if you're staying with them.

This isn't about taking walks or someone asking nosy questions. It's about figuring out life, isn't it? Wow... tough stuff! But you two HAVE to figure out how to be adults and live on your own. And if you can't figure it out together, maybe you'll have to do it by yourself. Do you still want to be living there in a year? Five years?

Reading about your situation made me feel like I'm wearing clothes that are too tight in a room that's too small... I really hope you can find your way out of it! As for the walks, take walks by yourself if that's better.

I sure hope you can make those changes! Best of luck to you!

Jay

We want to get out, but we can't move out without money, and we save as much as we can, my boyfriend has been going through a placement agency to get jobs b/c 75% or more of the jobs here are now going through placement agencies instead of doing the hiring themselves, most jobs are temporary and we don't know when they could end, I never said paying room and board was unreasonable, but expecting us to keep paying more and more to help pay THEIR bills that we are NOT responsible for (I'm talking about things we don't use, such as mortgages on 4 rental properties, and several loans, not things we do use like hyrdo, internet etc.) AND save to move out and AND pay our own bills is just stupid, we have no problem paying what we are right now, but having them constantly harp on us about wanting more is stressful. I don't want to be here 5 months or 5 years from now, I don't want to be here 5 days from now, but right now we have NO choice, we looked into affordable housing, and there is a 2 year waiting list, not to mention they wanted more from us for a one bedroom apartment then what one bedrooms are going for in the paper right now, that is not what I call affordable, they wanted almost 50% of what my boyfriend is making per month right now JUST FOR RENT that doesn't include utilities, food, car insurance, gas etc.

The point of my post was not to get advice on how I need to get out of here, I know we do and we want to more than anything, and were trying, but you can't very well move out without money or jobs, that is just a one way ticket to disaster. There are so many people unemployed right now in our area that my boyfriend was told by the unemployment office that they are THREE months behind just processing people's claims.

I wanted advice on how to tell her that I don't want to walk with her without making her angry.......

JayEll
03-23-2007, 09:38 PM
Oh, OK. Well, given the backlog of unhappiness and anger you have, I'd say don't tell her you don't want to walk WITH HER, because that will end up being a fight. When she asks you, just say you don't want to go right then, you're doing something else. If she keeps on and on pressing you, then say "I'd rather walk alone because it makes me uncomfortable when you ask me so many questions." Try to say it nicely. Maybe she'll agree to walking without the questions, maybe not. You're in a position where anything you say might start something.

Jay

NemesisClaws
03-23-2007, 10:08 PM
Hmm...difficult situation. I'm guessing the option of living with your parents instead is not viable, or siblings, or friends?

What I recommend is this....get a bank account, put money into it, and NEVER touch it, no matter what. Don't even admit to the parents that you have this account. There will be temptations to raid it, but try your hardest to resist. This is the only option that I see for ya'll getting your own place, at least in this area. Since the jobs are quite scarce up there, why not move to another area where the jobs are plentiful?

EZMONEY
03-23-2007, 10:14 PM
As long as you and your boyfriend are living in their house EVERYTHING is their business. If you want to be adult then leave and BE ADULT....as long as you cannot take care of yourselves and need his parents to help you survive...they will consider you "kids".

brandnewme
03-23-2007, 10:41 PM
As with last time, there are many excuses why you cannot move out. While I know that it's not the subject that you're asking for advice on, I'm going to say one thing, and only one thing about it. If you want to move out bad enough, you will find a way - otherwise, you will continue making excuses as to why you can't.

As far as telling her you don't want to go for a walk with her, why not instead address the real issue - you don't want her asking a bunch of questions you're not ready or you don't feel comfortable answering. Instead of telling her you don't want to walk with her, tell her that you'd be happy to walk with her, but you really don't feel comfortable talking to her about your & your BF's plans without your BF being present for the discussion. Tell her as a couple, you choose to discuss your issues together and not when the other isn't around (I truly hope this is the case, because it makes life much easier!). Don't be on the defensive, don't accuse her of being nosy, and don't make an issue of it.

Trixie14
03-23-2007, 11:18 PM
Hmm...difficult situation. I'm guessing the option of living with your parents instead is not viable, or siblings, or friends?

What I recommend is this....get a bank account, put money into it, and NEVER touch it, no matter what. Don't even admit to the parents that you have this account. There will be temptations to raid it, but try your hardest to resist. This is the only option that I see for ya'll getting your own place, at least in this area. Since the jobs are quite scarce up there, why not move to another area where the jobs are plentiful?

We've been looking at jobs in surrounding area's I dont want to move too far away, my family and friends are here, my best friend is having her baby in a month and I want to be here. My only sibling is 11 years old, most friends have moved away or are in college, or living at home. I could move back in with my mom, but my old bedroom has become a computer room, and she wouldn't let my boyfriend move in with me, and I have considered moving back there for a few months until we have money and find a place to move too, but first of all I wouldn't want to do that to her, she took it pretty hard when I first moved out (biggest mistake ever but there were alot of problems going on at the time and I wanted out) it would hurt both her and I if I moved back in and moved back out again a few months later, and it would be hard on my boyfriend and I as well. We actually went and bought a box that were going to put the money were saving in, if it were in a bank account we'd be much more likely to spend it...sounds weird but it's harder to spend money you don't have when your out b/c its at home, I suppose we could always leave the bank card at home...but I think that would make me nervous I might lose it, and I'd feel less guilty taking the card then I would if I took the actual money out of the box...lol

JayEll
03-24-2007, 08:44 AM
I agree with other posters--you have to get beyond the excuses. If you and your bf can't figure out how not to spend money in the situation you're in, when do you think you will? Is a pizza and beer (or whatever) more important than saving for your own place? You know that's wrong. So stop spending your money on that stuff.

EZMONEY is right--as long as you can't take care of yourselves and need parental help to survive, they will consider you "kids." Because you are! Going for a walk is the least of your issues.

It's really tough, but you have to find a way out. All the "reasons" in the world won't change that.

Jay

Trixie14
03-24-2007, 01:42 PM
I agree with other posters--you have to get beyond the excuses. If you and your bf can't figure out how not to spend money in the situation you're in, when do you think you will? Is a pizza and beer (or whatever) more important than saving for your own place? You know that's wrong. So stop spending your money on that stuff.

EZMONEY is right--as long as you can't take care of yourselves and need parental help to survive, they will consider you "kids." Because you are! Going for a walk is the least of your issues.

It's really tough, but you have to find a way out. All the "reasons" in the world won't change that.

Jay


Yeah...thats not what were spending money on, once and a while we buy something for ourselves, but like I said in my original post we get money saved and then my bf will lose his job, and while he is unemployed we still have bills to pay just like everyone else, just b/c were 20 doesn't mean we don't have bills, we have gas, car insurance, cell phones, food for ourselves, room and board etc. and when you dont have a job and you have no pay cheque every week these things STILL need to be paid, which means dipping into savings. Were not making excuses, were trying to get out of here, were trying to save as much as we can, if we had the enough money right now to pay for first and last month's rent on a place, we'd be out, even though I'm scared as **** b/c then we'll have even MORE bills that NEED to be paid even if were unemployed, thats why I'd like for us to both to have somewhat stable jobs and a little extra money saved to build on once we move out before we actually move out, it's called planning ahead and being prepared. Besides not many people are going to rent to a young couple if neither of us have jobs, or we both have jobs but have been there for a week for example. We looked at apartments last fall when we had money saved up and we were going to move out, most of them didn't call back or called back and wanted to know more about the job and money situation and ended up saying they had decided not to rent to us b/c of that. That's why I said were hoping July 1 is the day we move out, since by then we should have enough money saved if this temp job my bf is working at lasts that long, and I get a job, its summer so more places will be hiring. I'm not making excuses, I'm trying to be prepared, I don't want us to move out on our own and a few months down the road end up having to move back in here b/c we get evicted for not being able to pay our rent or something. I think it would be pretty CHILDISH to just up and move out UNPREPARED.

Now since no one really answered my real question, I've decided on my own that I will continue to walk with her, but if she continues to get nosier (b/c yes, she is nosy, she has admitted she is a bit too nosy, and I don't think that just b/c we live here EVERYTHING we do is her business, we deserve privacy) and ask more questions and give more unwanted "advice" I'm going to stop walking with her, I will have to tell her that and deal with it if she decides to get mad about it.

lizziness
03-24-2007, 01:42 PM
I think EZMoney is right. You live like children, you get treated like them. They don't sound like the best people to live with, but like you said, you're stuck so you have to either put up with it or speak up and settle it.

Therapy sounds like a good idea. I do not know why so many people are so against therapy. It can help... and besides, what do you think this is on here? It is a form of therapy anyway. If it can help you get some insight on whatever you've been though that might be a good thing. Plus, maybe you'll learn some tools on how to put up with a difficult mother in law (hmm.. i may have to take my own advice on that one *lol*)

I think it's reasonable for her to ask you things like what are your plans? You live with them, their life has been put on hold just as much as yours has, and I'm sure they want you out as much as you want to be out. I have a relative living with us, and while we get along for the most part, and we don't have any drama... after 2 years, I'm ready for my life back. It is not, however reasonable for her to ask you personal things revolving your relationship with her son. It's one thing if she's trying to get to know you and even offer advice from someone older and wiser... but only you can decide your boundaries and she's not going to know what that is until you tell her.

and on a side note - cigarettes are very expensive. how much more money could be saved if that purchase wasn't in the mix?

lizziness
03-24-2007, 01:47 PM
oops, we were posting at the same time. i get the impression that things HAVE to be on your terms though... and if that is the case, educate her on what those terms are.

srmb60
03-24-2007, 03:16 PM
The thing with mother's is ... someday, they'll be gone.
From now until July ??? and really it's all because this kind of questioning makes you uncomfortable ??? Go for the walks girl. Smile and nod.
If she says something like "This might seem nosy but ... " You say. "Yup, that's pretty nosy. What happened on Passions today?" Smile and nod.

brandnewme
03-24-2007, 06:56 PM
Trixie14: Now since no one really answered my real question, I've decided on my own that I will continue to walk with her, but if she continues to get nosier (b/c yes, she is nosy, she has admitted she is a bit too nosy, and I don't think that just b/c we live here EVERYTHING we do is her business, we deserve privacy) and ask more questions and give more unwanted "advice" I'm going to stop walking with her, I will have to tell her that and deal with it if she decides to get mad about it.
__________________

Brandnewme: As far as telling her you don't want to go for a walk with her, why not instead address the real issue - you don't want her asking a bunch of questions you're not ready or you don't feel comfortable answering. Instead of telling her you don't want to walk with her, tell her that you'd be happy to walk with her, but you really don't feel comfortable talking to her about your & your BF's plans without your BF being present for the discussion. Tell her as a couple, you choose to discuss your issues together and not when the other isn't around (I truly hope this is the case, because it makes life much easier!). Don't be on the defensive, don't accuse her of being nosy, and don't make an issue of it.
__________________

Right, because I completely skipped over the 'real' question when I addressed the walking issue. It seems to me you'd rather hear what you want to hear than what people honestly think, and if you don't hear that, you gloss over the rest of what they say. If you truly want advice, that's great - that's what we're here for. If you just want support, that's great too - we're here for that as well. But please, let us know in advance if you really just want to vent/complain and you truly don't want our honest opinions. It'll save you the time it takes to read it, and us the time of typing it out.

sugarlove
03-25-2007, 04:39 AM
Trixie, I remember posts like these from you from long ago. I think you really need to do some soul-searching, and figure out what you want from life. You've said for months that all you want is to move out - that you'll do anything to make that happen. But I don't see that in your blog entries. You say you're trying to find a job, but then say you hope you don't get the job you interviewed for because you don't want to drive back and forth. You say you're saving every penny that you can, but then you guys go out and buy a treadmill that you don't even have the money for and that you haven't really even used(and when walking outside is free). Why not return it before that's a debt you have to pay? Why buy a box to save money, when you could use something as simple as an envelope or an old shoe box that costs nothing? Why did you guys have to buy new video games? Do you see what I'm getting at? It's all about priorities - you're either willing to do whatever you can to get out of there, or you aren't. If not, that's fine - but you need to recognize that the bottom line is you guys are still there because it's a choice you've made. There may be a lot of things you don't like living there, but really, if you choose to stay then it's pretty much tough for you. Your boyfriend's mother has every right to expect help from you guys - he's working sporadically and spending money on things like cigarettes, treadmills and video games, and you tend to sleep until noon and play WoW and watch TV most of the day. Meanwhile, they have a house to run and bills to pay....and you guys aren't little kids. You're adults. Bottom line, it's their house to run as they see fit, and they make the rules, period. It doesn't matter if they work or not - they own the house and the things in it, so they've earned the right to not work if they choose. You guys, however, are 20 years old and living under their roof, and so should be held to a higher standard. You guys either choose to accept and live with those rules, or you don't. You really can't have it both ways.

I honestly think people here would like to help you - believe it or not ('cause I'm sure you don't like what I'm saying!), even me. But I get frustrated knowing that you don't take any of the genuine advice that you're given to heart. I feel like all the greatest advice in the world would mean nothing unless it was what you wanted to hear - but the hard truth is, often the very best advice is the advice you'd LEAST like to hear. Taking the plunge into full-on adulthood is scary, to be sure, but we all survive. We may not have the apartment of our dreams, we may not be able to afford cable or video games,we may have to live off of fruit and ramen for awhile, we may have to work crappy jobs (sometimes 3!) and never have money for the "stuff" we want.....but we're living our own life. We're making our own way, making our own rules - and that's worth more than everything else combined.....IF it's what you want. And THAT'S the question I think you and your BF really need to address. The answer isn't necessarily as easy as you think - you wouldn't still have so many excuses for continuing to live there, after all this time and all the problems you've had, if it were.

I do really hope that you manage to figure out what it is that you really want, and find a way to get there.

Janie Canuck
03-25-2007, 04:40 PM
I'm in the same camp... Yes, MIL is being nosey, but when you live in her home, you're not really in a position to be setting a lot of boundaries. I agree with SusanB - smile and nod. You feel that they are asking for an unreasonable amount of money from you. But you haven't provided $$ figures, so it's difficult for the rest of us to say if it's unreasonable or not. It obviously costs you less to live there than it would cost you to move out, so I guess it can't be too unreasonable.

I can understand you not wanting to move in with your mother again, but hey, sometimes you have to do what you have to do. You don't mention your age, which is also pertinent. Maybe moving out and setting up house with your boyfriend happened a bit prematurely - perhaps each of you living at home until you both get on your feet financially would be a wise thing.

Trixie14
03-26-2007, 02:00 PM
and on a side note - cigarettes are very expensive. how much more money could be saved if that purchase wasn't in the mix?


I know their expensive, but what am I supposed to do, force him to quit?! I've asked him numerous times and it ends up in a fight, its his decision, not mine. Right now he is smoking the cheaper "indian cigarettes" to save money.

Trixie14
03-26-2007, 02:08 PM
I'm in the same camp... Yes, MIL is being nosey, but when you live in her home, you're not really in a position to be setting a lot of boundaries. I agree with SusanB - smile and nod. You feel that they are asking for an unreasonable amount of money from you. But you haven't provided $$ figures, so it's difficult for the rest of us to say if it's unreasonable or not. It obviously costs you less to live there than it would cost you to move out, so I guess it can't be too unreasonable.

I can understand you not wanting to move in with your mother again, but hey, sometimes you have to do what you have to do. You don't mention your age, which is also pertinent. Maybe moving out and setting up house with your boyfriend happened a bit prematurely - perhaps each of you living at home until you both get on your feet financially would be a wise thing.


I did mention my age, were 20, I didn't mention it in my original post but I did in a later one, and I never once said I thought they money they were asking for was unreasonable. I just don't like that their constantly asking for more and more money when they expect us to save money as well.

Is that really me
03-26-2007, 03:03 PM
While you are in a tough situation, it sounds to me like there are steps you could take if you really wanted to move out. How about you (just you) moving back in w/your mom for a specified time -- say 6 months or 1 year. Sounds long? Well, the time will pass whether you stay put or move back home. If you moved back home, sock every single dime you can into an account (a box? puleeezzzeee! earn some interest girl! :D) Look into a short term CD that has a higher interest rate.

Stop buying crap you simply cannot afford, no matter how great a deal it is or how much you think you need it. You're only going to have to move it when (if?) you move into your own place. Besides, it just stuff. It will always be there for the buying.

People are going to think I'm insane on this but .. . . give up your cell phone. Yes, dump it. How much a month are you paying for that service? What is so uber important that it can't wait until you see the person? Just a thought. There was a time when cell phones didn't exist; and people managed just fine. :D

Two cars? Sell one and bank the money. Bank the gas, maintenance, insurance money you would have shelled out for the car. Take a train, bus or carpool. Or you and your b/f can share one car.

As for his parents, honey you live in their house, you live by their rules. Plain and simple. And I disagree w/another poster about his mother asking questions about you and him and it not being any of her business. Darling, of course it's her business. He's her son; it will always be her business as long as you are living under her nose.

As far as you not wanting to go for walks w/her because of her questions; what makes you think she won't ask questions when you just hanging around the house? Not taking a walk w/her may not have any affect at all on her questions. Sorry, but this seems to be the least of your problems! And again, it's her house; if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen! :dizzy:

Why did you move in w/your b/f parents in the first place? You're only 20 years old; what the heck is the rush??

You need to get your priorities straight. Get a job. Stay at the job and do well. Save money in an interest bearing account and DO NOT get a bank card to go with it. Yes, you can do this. Looking for a job IS your full time job at the moment. Supplement this w/odd jobs: babysit, dog walk, shovel snow, wash windows -- whatever it takes. And put every single dime in the bank.

Talk is cheap; it's what you do that counts! :smug:

Jo

P.S. As for a landlord turning you guys down for an apartment due to your employment history? Would you have rented an apartment to someone w/your employment record? Probably not. The landlord needs to be able to count on your rent to pay his mortgage. If you can't rely on a steady income, how can he?

sweet_talker
03-26-2007, 03:26 PM
I'm with Is_That_Really_Me, it's basically what I was going to say. And a lot of the others too. Budgeting and assessing your situation are definitely needed.

Do you really need a car? Does your boyfriend really NEED to smoke? I know that you can't make him quit, and that quitting smoking is incredibly difficult to do, but if he wanted to move out so badly, wouldn't he try to quit?

I'm sorry people haven't been giving you the answer to your question, but with so much background on your post, going for walks seems like the least of your problems. Going for walks may be a catalyst for arguments but it sounds like communication is something that's really lacking in the household. Discussing the issues in a civil manner, with all parties in the room could do a lot to solve everyone's problems.

srmb60
03-26-2007, 04:04 PM
I did give an answer.

sweet_talker
03-26-2007, 04:32 PM
......I think the problem was that she didn't like your answer.......

almostheaven
03-26-2007, 07:47 PM
I know their expensive, but what am I supposed to do, force him to quit?! I've asked him numerous times and it ends up in a fight, its his decision, not mine. Right now he is smoking the cheaper "indian cigarettes" to save money.
When hubby and I got into a financial bind, he had no CHOICE but to quit. Fight or no fight. I'd be laying down the law that I refuse to continue living with the family and if he can get his ****e together and both of you come up with a way to save and get out, that you'll have to find a way to get yourself out for your own sanity and health.

mandalinn82
03-26-2007, 08:03 PM
Or heck, if he won't quit, will he invest the effort into rolling his own? I mean, I don't think you're going to be abe to convince a smoker to give up his cigarettes unless he wants to..but you could make a compelling argument that he should keep costs down by rolling them himself.

bargoo
03-26-2007, 10:41 PM
Move out!