Weight Loss Support - Sabotaging "friends"

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02-23-2007, 11:17 PM
I am going to SLAP my housemate. I'm thisclose right now. She is really pissing me off. She wanted Chinese last night, and I said thanks but I'm busy during dinnertime. She pouted, but left me alone. Turned out that my dinnertime engagement got canceled, so she got on me about it again. I said I wasn't in the mood and again, she pouted and let me be. A couple hours later, after I'd eaten my (healthy) dinner and was hanging out watching one of our favorite TV shows, she came downstairs all triumphant cause she'd finished her paper. Yay for her. She then said she needed sugar and was going to drive over to 7-11 and did I want anything? I said no thanks (hooray for developing willpower). She came back with a bar of Hershey's Cookies N Cream chocolate and a pack of Sour Patch candies, sat down, and cracked open the chocolate. Halfway through, she broke off a section and handed it to me, saying very scornfully "One piece won't kill you." I was within my cals for the day, and I do love that particular kind of candy bar, so I thanked her and had the piece, but turned down a second piece.

Then this evening, she IMed me asking what I was doing for dinner. I swear, my first thought was "Oh, no, here we go again." My intuition, it is good. Next thing was "I'm really craving chinese, and I wanna share it with you." Okay, that's great, except for a few things. One, I don't even want Chinese right now. I mean, I'd probably eat it if it was around, but it's not what I actually *want*. Two, I'm broke and can't afford to buy food out like that all the time like she can. Three, the kind of Chinese food we get is really high-fat and high calorie, and I AM trying to watch those things. So I said "Thanks but no thanks" basically, and tried to change the subject. She said something about "healthy style" - I still haven't deciphered that comment, I really DON'T know what she meant by it - then went on to continue to bug me, all "Plleeeeeaaaaase? You can see I'm not going to give up." And me being the people-pleaser that I tend to be, I was trying to come up with an excuse that wasn't an outright "No", so I brought up my money issues. She just kind of shrugged that off and said "Well then, prepaid Chinese I will find and force-feed you!"

I lost it at that point, at least a little. The last comment was what killed it. I stopped trying to be friendly and conciliatory and just said "No, you won't. Because I'm serious. I'm not doing Chinese tonight. Like I said, I do appreciate it, but I'm trying to do what's healthier for me."

And all she said was "Fine. Whatev." and hasn't spoken since.

I'm so FRUSTRATED! Why the **** doesn't she get it??? I would think she would. I mean, ****, she's the one who was all gung-ho for us to "diet together" when we first moved in together, and again in January after we got back from our respective holiday breaks. And in those cases, she was the one who got all on my case about whether or not I was following The Diet. She, who only has 10 vanity pounds to lose. I've got four times that to get rid of. I've explained this. I don't understand why, as someone who is trying to lose weight herself, she gets on me and tries to get me to have "bad" stuff when I've already said no! Particularly the snotty attitude about it. It just really peeves me.

And you know the part that makes me the angriest right now? That I'm feeling guilty. I feel GUILTY for standing up for what I actually want (or don't want, as the case may be). I'm all sick and shaking because I had to go very head-to-head and be direct and unsubtle about getting what I want. I hate doing that. I hate confrontations. I tried not to let it become a confrontation. She's my FRIEND. And now I feel crappy because of all this.

I'm really hungry right now, too, but I don't want to go downstairs because I know she'll be down there and I don't know what I'll say or what she'll say. I'm hiding. In my own house.

Gods, I hate this.

Do you guys think it was deliberate on her part? Or...I mean, why do all this? I just don't get it. I also don't know what to say to her now. Do I just let it get swept under the rug and pretend it never happened? Do I say something? If so, what?

Le sigh. I'm sorry for the novella, but I needed to rant about this, and where else can I do it?

02-23-2007, 11:27 PM
You are always safe to rant here!

I certainly don't know your roomie, but from my own experiences with people, I will say that it could very well be intentional. Has she managed to lose the weight that she wanted to lose? If she has not succeeded and keeps eating, well, misery loves company! You going off your plan as well would help alleviate her own guilt about not keeping with her own weight plan.

The other possibility is that since you do have more weight to lose, (this one is harder to explain, so bear with me while I try to make one iota of sense) and she sees your strong resolve, she could feel threatened by the possibility of your weight loss success. It's very easy to feel good about oneself while looking down on someone else. "Oh, I don't have nearly as much weight to lose as SHE does!" You get the picture. But as you lose weight, and stick to your plan, her ability to feel good about herself is going to get knocked down several notches and your success is going to threaten her own sense of personal accomplishment and well being.

I don't know if either of these possibilities are true, but they are things that I have encountered in my own life. Depending on how good a relationship the two of you usually have, I would advise maybe sitting down with her and explaining exactly where you are coming from. If she is a true friend, she'll understand and she'll stop trying to sabotage you.

Good luck and feel free to vent away!

02-23-2007, 11:28 PM
Sounds to me like you tried to be polite without hurting feelings and she decided to persist. Whether she was intentionally trying to sabatoge, I can't say. From my POV, it sounds as if you've buckled down and decided to make a healthier, thinner you with your friend, who may not be as serious. This isn't to take away from people who are only trying to lose 5-15 pounds, I know that's as serious a struggle as those of us trying to lose more, but for some, when they say they "need/want to lose weight" and then don't while the buddy they were going to diet with proceeds and DOES lose weight, it could feel threatening. I mean, if you had both started at the same time, both dieted and worked out, here you are with 13 pounds lost, she could be jealous that a. she would have lost her weight already<in her mind anyway, most of us lifelong dieters know those with less to lose lose at a slower pace initially> and b. be ticked off because you ARE sticking to it.

I applaud you for your efforts, you're working hard and it's paying off for you. As far as hiding in your own home? Forget about it, go for a walk, ask her to go with you, maybe invent a run to the local 24 hour grocery store for something cheap, 1 apple, or some grapes, ask her if she wants to ride along, take that time to explain that you didn't want to hurt her feelings, but you didn't want to be bugged about it either. I would try not to use words like "tempted" because it sounds like, from what you've described, she'd take that as weakness on your part and continue. Good luck.

02-23-2007, 11:34 PM
I dunno. Are you still spending time doing fun things with her? Maybe you could pick a place to go eat, make sure you know what you're going to order, and invite HER out when you have the money, and eat what you want to eat.
Have you told her straight out that you don't want her to offer you food that is not on your diet because it makes it hard for you? If you have told her, then she's not respecting your wishes, and that's not cool. Maybe you should say something like "I told you that it makes it hard for me when you offer me foods that aren't on my diet. I don't want to give up my diet, and I don't need to give up my diet. Is our friendship based on me eating what you want me to eat? If it is, then we don't have one, do we?" That's what I'd say, anyway.
If you haven't told her, perhaps you should. Let her know that you like her, and you don't have any problem with her personally, but you'd appreciate it if she'd not tempt you with foods not on your diet, and let her know that you, and you alone, intend to decide what you are going to eat and when. But that doens't mean the two of you can't eat together, as long as you can afford it, and are staying on your diet. If you can't afford it, maybe you can think of something else fun and meaningful the two of you could do to spend quality time together that doesn't involve food, OR spending money you don't have. (She's gonna end up fat,friendless, AND in debt up to her eyeballs eventually with that "do what feels good now, to **** with the future, or what anyone else thinks" attitude.)

Bikini Ready
02-23-2007, 11:42 PM
I totally know what you mean! My mom is the same way sometimes. She is super fit only wants to lose 5 pounds (that are noexistant) and I'm trying for something a little more and she knows it. I'll tell her I'm eating healthier so can she help me out and she agrees, next thing I know she brings home cookies, chocolate, burritos, pizza, even chinese!!! She says "because she wants to enjoy it with me," then gets annoyed when I decline. UUUGGGGHHHH!

I sat down with her and had a more serious talk about how she was making me feel and since then she has been much more understanding. So maybe that would work with your friend as well. If she is a good friend she might take it to heart if you got her to really understand how much you want to attain your goal whether she wants to attain her's as well or not.

Oh I also noticed that you are from Santa Cruz and were talking about writing papers, where do you go to school? I lived up there for a year and went to UCSC, I loved it but now I'm back in So Cal which I also love!

Good luck with everything!

02-23-2007, 11:47 PM
aww hon, you did a wonderful job standing up for yourself and your resolution to be healthy. I know it doesn't feel wonderful... but I hope you are proud of yourself underneath all of that anxiety - you did awesome girl! :D

I know some people don't like to eat by themselves and food is a very social thing for her, so if it's just the two of you - maybe that explains her behaviour? Doesn't excuse it though. Or if she is feeling guilty about not eating healthy herself, it can be a way of relieving guilt. It's hard to say..

Everything you wrote sounds respectful and polite, so it sounds like her reaction is an issue that she needs to deal with within herself rather than anything you did. That being said, I understand that you still have to deal with her mood and the mood between you guys, especially if it's just the two of you. I don't have an answer for you in terms of whether or not you should bring it up or what you should say - that all depends on how you feel, your relationship, what you want to say, the effect you think it will have, all of that wonderful stuff ;)

I know that I would definitely not appreciate if my housemate acted in that way though, and I could see her definitely being annoyed with me if I behaved like that. In fact, I think you responded very tactfully. You didn't do anything wrong... hang in there ;) If you are hungry, I suggest going downstairs and grabbing a bite to eat if you can handle it emotionally :) Maybe say "hey" or something neutral and see how she responds if you're unsure of what to say, and you can go from there. Something I did once with my housemate was write her a letter of how I felt because that was so much easier than articulating myself verbally. That way she had time to read it (reread it maybe), think about it, before we got together and talked.

Good luck! I hope you feel better!!!

02-23-2007, 11:50 PM
OMG, you just described my mother! She is the first one to harp on me about my weight and also the first one to hand me any leftover cake or pie that she has at her house, while saying "If it stays here I'll just eat it." Yeah, mom! HI! This is your daughter who is trying to lose weight..thanks for that bit of support!:tantrum:

02-24-2007, 12:17 AM
Well, I just went downstairs to "canvass the kitchen" to decide what I want for dinner. Haven't made any decisions just yet. We made strained-feeling small talk about what was on TV and the dishes in the sink and stuff. It'll blow over. I think part of it, on her side, is that she does these very limited-duration diets. She sticks super-closely to a particular plan for three or four weeks (that's the entire plan is to do those three or four weeks) and then throws a party to celebrate at the end of it. This pattern irritates me no end, and while I put up with these cycles and will half-stick with her on it, I don't do specific plans and so I'm never 100% in it with her. I just go my own way. And so I think it's cause we're not in one of the "diet cycles" right now, so she expects me to eat average junk like we used to before I got all healthy on her.

Whatever. It's going to be slightly tense for a bit, but it'll blow over. We made plans last night to go to a movie together next weekend, that should help some of it. And she's just cleared out of the downstairs, so I've got the kitchen to myself for figuring out a dinner of one sort or another. Whee! ;)

And Bikini_Ready, yeah, my housemate and I both go to UCSC. I'm a Ling major, she's Art and Lit (double-major). She's from SoCal actually, I'm from the Bay Area. Cool to meet a fellow Slug. *grin*

I think I'm gonna have dinner then go back up to campus to piggyback their much-faster internet for awhile.

Thanks for your advice, guys. I really appreciate it.

02-24-2007, 06:16 AM
I'm so FRUSTRATED! Why the **** doesn't she get it??? I would think she would. I mean, ****, she's the one who was all gung-ho for us to "diet together" when we first moved in together

I'm sorry but she does "get it" - she's just being a b*tch. She suggested the diet when she's only got 10 lbs to lose and you've got 40 lbs. Unless you're one of the rare people who overeats on healthy food then you've probably built up 40 lbs spare on junk (like most of us have). Stands to reason then then you have often eaten rubbish that you shouldn't and you give into that type of food.

However, you are now doing really well and it's beginning to show. I have a hunch that your housemate doesn't like it. Afterall - you weren't supposed to succeed. In her eyes I would imagine that she might have shed a few pounds but you weren't going to change. Now that you are the balance is shifting and she doesn't like it.

I know that I don't know your housemate but who the **** sulks and pouts when their overweight friend refuses to eat crap? What sort of friend goes and buys chocolate and tries to make their friend eat more if it? She is trying to sabotage you.

I used to work with a woman like this who is actually a friend of mine so it's easier now that I don't see her that often. I hate losing a competition against someone else (lose them against myself all the time :) ) so i just never gave in to her sabotaging ways.

Continue to stand up for yourself. You're doing great and you can come and rant here all the while. If my post is way off beam then sorry but she just doesn't sound that nice to me.

02-24-2007, 07:59 AM
This reminds me of people who are always trying to get nondrinkers to have just one drink. There aren't many, but I've encountered a few. Usually they have a problem with alcohol. Sounds like your housemate has a problem with food--look at that behavior! Stuffing with candy as a reward! (If she had been downing alcohol we would have a name for that. ;) )

You can't control what she does. You can try to "train" her not to offer you things you don't want, like Chinese take-out, but she may do it anyway. You simply must be "the adult" here--keep saying No thanks politely and reminding her that you don't want to eat that right now. It does not have to be a fight, even if you would like to whack her!


02-24-2007, 11:27 AM
Being polite will only get you so far with people- and she probably thinks her behavior is acceptable because you are too nice. I am sure she is not doing this with the direct intention of keeping you fat- but somewhere, she might feel if you stay big she will look that much more thinner- and feel that much prettier. Bully for her. Be strong. Keep your chin up and remember you shouldn't have to be hide in your house or fight for your health that is under attack from your friend. Tell her as much, "You're my friend, I don't want to feel like you are attacking and hindering me. I know you want me to be healthy and happy, so respect my wishes." If you'd like to keep it short- "Short term greasy gratification is not worth sacrificing long-term happiness." End quote.

02-24-2007, 03:35 PM
Your friend is being a jerk and trying to sabotage you, no question.

But perhaps you could strike a compromise with her and cook chinese food at home together. Go to the grocery store together to buy ingredients (even if you buy soy sauce, teryiaki sauce, sesame oil, meat and veggies, it will still be cheaper than take-out, and you'll have the basics for the next time you feel like eating Chinese) and make a nice stir-fry with some chicken or shrimp and a ton of veggies and eat just a half cup of rice. Voila, chinese food, an appeased roommate and you meet your calorie goals.

Beach Patrol
02-24-2007, 04:30 PM
Hhhmmmm.... sometimes "friends" don't truly realize that they're pissing us off, do they?????

Here's what I WOULD DO -

Go walking into her room, naked as a jaybird. Stand in front of her, not sucking-in the gut, or anything. Just let'n it alllllll hang out. Point out to her the fat, the cellulite, the places that don't seem to respond no matter HOW much I exercise, etc. Then say:

"See? I'm FAT. I am trying very hard to be good to myself by choosing more healthy foods & not blowing my daily caloric intake. And then there's YOU. MY FRIEND. Telling me that "one piece won't hurt me" and trying to get me to eat what YOU WANT & so forth, not taking into consideration MY FEELINGS at all, or the crap I've faced just to get THIS FAR already. Instead of pummeling me, how about a little SUPPORT? How about NOT force feeding me anything? How about a simple "OK, just thought I'd ask" when I turn down your dinner or dessert offerings? HOW ABOUT ACTING LIKE A FRIEND INSTEAD OF A *****????? I mean, if you're NOT going to help me on this diet, then at least DON'T HENDER ME, Ok????????????"

Yup. That's what I'd do.

02-24-2007, 05:08 PM
I'm not sure I would go so far as Beach Patrol :lol: but I would be direct. You keep giving her "excuses" instead of a simple and direct NO. Why? Why are you afraid to say to her. "No, I am NOT going to eat chinese and I want you to stop pushing." If she gets crabby about it, be direct. ASK her, "Why does my eating healthy upset you so much?" "What do my food choices have to do with our friendship?" Make HER think about why she is doing it. She may not even be aware of why.

By giving her flimsy non commital excuses you are leaving the door partially open instead of slamming it shut.

If it is bothering you as much as it is you need to TELL her. She can't read your mind.

Now as to why, there might be many reasons. Maybe she liked having you as the "fat friend". Nothing makes you feel skinny like hanging around people who are heavier than you are. Maybe she is just clueless. I have a friend who honestly doesnt "get" it. If she needs to lose a few pounds she diets for a week or two, end of story. There is no emotion involved, there is no struggle, there is no pain. And I will tell you...if she is on that week or two, she would have NO problem saying NO loud and clear. Even if it is sabotage, she may not be aware that she has those feelings.

02-24-2007, 06:01 PM
Beach Patrol!!!! Whoa!!!! :lol:


02-24-2007, 06:14 PM
I agree with many others - she's deliberately trying to sabotage. She probably doesn't want you to lose weight because then in her mind she will be "the fat one".

Getting angry enough to pout for an extended period of time over Chinese? That is in-sane. This woman sounds like a big spoiled baby. Beware. Pouting is a passive-aggressive tactic.

02-24-2007, 07:35 PM
I'm still laughing over the butt-nekkid roommate diet-lecture idea.


02-26-2007, 12:16 AM
yay for naked confrontations!

02-26-2007, 01:27 AM
Haha, I probably wouldn't go the Beach Patrol route either, but I do advocate being direct -- first off you aren't even feeling like eating Chinese to begin with, second, say you already ate and are full and/or watching what you eat. Just thank her for the offer and maybe next time, if you can find healthy Chinese grub, ask her to check it out with you.

Diplomatic Alternative #2: Cook your own chinese food in the house! A lot of the recipes are pretty quick and simple (heck, you can probably churn out something in the time it takes to place a phone order and drive over to pick up), and because you're in charge of what goes in, you'll know it's healthful as well as yummy. Just today I made some noodles in broth with dumplings & chicken & lots of stir-fry veggies... a satisfying 600 calories.

Miss Honey
02-26-2007, 07:51 AM
Hey everyone

I wanted to asks, What do you do when your sabotager is your husband? The other day, my husband wanted me to cook lamb for dinner. I love lamb and its one the food I just lose control with. I really don't want something like that around but, my husband persisted that we never have red meat for dinner. I for one don't want to eat red meat anymore but, i was forced to cook it. And just like I thought, I couldn't control myself. I went crazy on the lamb. I just need alittle help but, my husband just doesn't get it.

02-26-2007, 08:53 AM
That is a really tough one, Miss Honey. He shouldn't have to go without the foods he likes, but at the same time you shouldn't have to eat foods you are trying not to go overboard on. So maybe the two of you could compromise on it.

Can you cook less of those foods than normal? I realize that leg of lamb is leg of lamb, but with steaks and such, it should be a little easier to cook less.

Another strategy is to package up the leftovers right away and get them in the fridge. Tell your husband to take as much as he wants on his plate, because then you're putting it away. Once it's put away, you won't be so tempted to keep eating it.

See if he will go out to a restaurant for some of those foods--so he can have his lamb or steak or whatever, and you can get some grilled chicken or fish. You could make it a special night together each week.

Just a few ideas... Good luck!


02-26-2007, 09:40 AM
I work at a grocery store sooooooooooo i totally understand. My friends love chocolate and there is always a ready supply.. AARRRRGGG !!!! i hate knowing its always there.. but i have it in my mind that its diet chocolate and who wants to eat that :( .. yuck .. that works for me ... hehehe ..

FED up
02-26-2007, 01:13 PM
Stick to your chopsticks girl! You might try to have a nice, calm conversation with her, telling her that if she was really your friend, she would give you support in your dieting efforts!
Seriously, it sounds like the troubles between the two of you go deeper than just food related disagreements.
You've had a lot of patience with her......If it were me, I'd shove a chop stick .... never mind.
I Hope you two roomies can work it out (without slapping)!

02-26-2007, 01:33 PM
sorry that your roomie is acting like a jerk....I'd give her the speech about you need to/WANT to lose the weight, she's welcome to join you for other activities besides chowing down high calorie take-out.

or tell her to grow UP, stop NAGGING you....can't she find someone else to snack with?

Beach Patrol
02-26-2007, 05:36 PM
Well, if it's YOUR HUSBAND.... Ok, first thing you do is GET NAKED.... ;)

Seriously, tho, I'd tell him if he wanted it that bad, he could cook it himself. :p :D

Dieting is HARD. If people in your life don't GET IT, & if they DON'T support you, then the LEAST they can do is NOT HINDER YOU. Geez!

It's like "I lovvvvvvveeeee pumpkin pie! I just can't be around one or I'll eat the whole thing!" So loving husband brings one home "Look what I got for you honey! A pumpkin pie! I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVVVVVVVE THEM!" :rolleyes: I swear, divorce & murder have been committed for lesser crimes.