[keeponkeepingon]

I'm not sure if this is a confession or a cry for help
I have struggled with my weight for basically, my whole life. I have not been a big dieter, but I go through periods of being much more active, and just healthier beacuse I'm happy-and then it strikes-the self doubt, the self-destruction and i just CRASH AND BURN. The last few months have been like that and I just can't seem to get out of it. I went to the gym on Monday (yeah, love the gym) and I weighed myself, which I really don't do all that often, and GASP-I'm back up at 207, which just about made me falll over, and has thus led to me feeling like crap about everything, even though I am really, REALLY trying to bring about change in my life-it just seems so HARD!!!
GRRR.....
But here is the thing-it will always be hard, but it will also always be worth it, my questions is, how do you persevere?
I am getting really sick of the roller coaster-I would just like to find BALANCE.
Any insight?

[Cats tongue]

Oh the roller coaster... It is one ride that I really hate. I know where you're coming from.

I don't know what to say really. It's such a personal struggle. I know for me what triggers binging is:
- going on a diet
- stress from school
- feeling really lonely/being alone

Personally I've made a few choices recently to start getting help. Next week I'll be seeing a therapist. And I've talked to the few people who I know I can trust, and who I know won't judge me for my binging (and occasional purging).

I guess this is my advice:

Is there any one you can tell?
Try to figure out what exactly causes your self-doubt/low self esteem issues. What it is that triggers them.

Also, if this is the serious problem, put your weight loss on hold and concentrate on healing the part of you that is inside first.
I know for me, I am -- to some degree-- convinced that weight loss will be a magic pill... Like I'll be thin and suddenly I'll be different.

I hope you can find a way to end the cycle. I think you can. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk or chat about it. It's tough, and since I am to some degree still in that cycle you mentioned, I feel a little hypocritical giving you all this advice when I know how hard it is.

[FaeReverie]

I agree with Cats. I've been on the same up-and-down thing for most of my life. I was able, finally, to sit down and STOP, but that was because I cheated. A lot of my stessers, the things that led me to overeating, had been removed from me. I moved out of my mother's house to live with my boyfriend 8 hours away, so I didnt have to deal with her issues, or money issues, plus I see him regularly. I got a job in retail, not with food like it's always been, so I cant eat and work at the same time. I'm able to save money, so I dont stress about it so much

I would say talk to someone you trust about the things that stress you, depress you, and your size. Someone outside the situation could be able to see connections where you can't, because you're living it. If you can figure out your problem areas, them maybe you can help work to control them.

Remember, it's not going to happen overnight, nor is it going to be super-simple. But we all know how it is, and we know you can do it! *hugs*

~Fae

[oregongirl79]

Hey girl,
Hang in there. I am new to this board, but I wanted to comment on your stuggle because I feel the same way you do. I go up and down in my weight like a roller coaster too. I have periods...sometimes up to six months, where I am eating so healhty and exercising five to six days a week. The weight starts to come off and I am inching ever closer to those size tens, and then...bamm, out of nowhere the depression steps in. Suddenly I can't quit eating things I shouldn't. It's so strange. I am also 5'6. The most I have weighed is 220 lbs. I got myself all the way down to 172 at my thinnest, and now I am back up to almost 190. I was 181 a month ago, if that tells you anything. I think I am going to start coming to these boards for support. I hope it helps. Take care and be good to yourself.

[keeponkeepingon]

hey all,
thanks so much for all the support!! i had a good talk with my partner today and i have decided to go back into therapy after a 5 year hiatus. *sigh*
i will keep checking in-this really seems to help-to have a place to download!
yeah!