Weight Loss Support - I am soo pi$$ed. What nerve! (A rant)




rockinrobin
02-13-2007, 09:53 AM
I'll try and make a long story ummm not so long.

Sunday night I had this huge charity dinner honoring some good friends. Cost $200 bucks a couple. I felt that I must attend. There were plenty of my other good friends there as well.

I planned for this dinner all week long, keeping my calories low so I could eat a bit more then usual Sunday night. The day of the event I ate 1/2 my usual breakfast, 1/2 my ususal lunch and only 1 snack.

First part of the evening is a huge, beyond belief buffet with every food you can think of and then some. I had 2 bites of eggplant lasagne (one of my favs). I had 3 pieces of veggie sushi and then I found these delicious roasted veggies. I had 6 asparagus spears and 1 strip of red pepper.

Okay, then we head to the ballroom for the main event. There is a eurpopean salad with turkey breast at each place setting. SALAD DRESSING ON THE SIDE. I'm in heaven. I eat the whole salad without dressing. Then comes over an hour and a half of BORING speeches. My friends get their award, the people we drove with wants to go, so we go. Never ate the main dinner. As we're headed out downstairs they're setting up the buffet for dessert. At this point I feel like I haven't eaten as much as I had planned for. So I took 5 different desserts and had a total of 7 bites. 7 bites. My friend looks at me in disbelief that I'm eating dessert and actually says so. Whatever. Did I mention I had just 7 bites?

She just calls me and says to me "so did you get over your dessert fiasco from the other night?" I'm like what?????? I was so taken aback. So I go into the whole story of how I was planning, you know what I basically just told you guys, but not in as much detail. I really was disgusted.

This is my closest friend in the world. She really has been very supportive of me. But I can't believe what she said to me and that I had to defend myself over my eating choices. She by the way ate like there was no tomorrow and I didn't say one word. It's not my place to. So why did she think it was okay to comment on my eating? GRRR.

Anyone else experience anything like this? And what do you do about it?


Ilene
02-13-2007, 10:01 AM
Way to go on the WILLPOWER :high: ....

I know and understand :rolleyes:, people even best friends can be PITAs and say the stoopidest things specially if they've never been on a diet or healthy lifestyle plan... Take her comment with a grain of salt ( I know, I know, very difficult) and move on BUT know that you did the right thing in the circumstance you were in... :bravo:

jcatron243
02-13-2007, 10:02 AM
God Robin you better take back those seven bites!! :hug: some people just dont understand that It is okay to have something special on special occasions. Even if you are "on a diet"

At my training this week I gravitate towards the fruit and veggie table while my friend goes to the cookies, yesterday with the bananas gone, I had a nutragrain bar (the apples are too big to eat in a 10 minute break) she made some comment about it. I just ignored the comment and went on. I have put out there that I am trying to be healthy, so please no candy and cookies. So now I guess my food will be scrutinized by the people I told.


2frustrated
02-13-2007, 10:04 AM
Oooh how nasty!

I bet she's insecure and jealous that you allowed yourself dessert with restraint. Did she not have any at all and DENY herself the dessert? :crazy:

Friends often become insecure when we're losing weight because they feel (subconsiously) that the group hierarchy is going to change, and people don't like change. Nuh-uh. :no: But I'd say, try and perhaps talk to her and tell her that it was a horrible thing to say, and then put it behind you. If it happens again, well maybe it's worth thinking about, but perhaps she was feeling guilty if she ate more than 1 dessert and was trying to get you to own up so you could both moan about how much dessert you ate :dunno:

srmb60
02-13-2007, 10:06 AM
People watch my food all the time. They comment if it's low fat or weird or healthy ... they comment if it's ridiculous desserts .... can't win.
Apparently in this day and age ... it's open season on 'known health nuts'.

Alora199
02-13-2007, 10:11 AM
Nothing like that has happened to me, but my sister experienced it last week. She works second shift at a bank processing center and is pretty tight with most of her co-workers. They know she's been trying to lose a couple pounds and for the most part they encourage her. Last Weds, she hadn't eaten anyting all day except for a bowl of cereal and went to Sonic and got a child's chicken tender meal. When she came back there were a group of women outside and they took one look at the bag and ragged her out bad. They said "Kelly, why are you doing this to yourself? You'll never lose weight eating junk like that and actually you look like you've gained weight to be honest". My sis was so taken aback that she threw her dinner in the trash and went to the bathroom and cried. Some people just have no tact when it comes to speaking in general... they need to atleast utilize their brain before letting the words come out. Sorry your friend was so clueless.

rockinrobin
02-13-2007, 10:20 AM
You know you're right Susan, now that you say it, she comments on what I eat everyday as well. We were together recently and there was some sliced pineapple and I ate a couple of bites and said the sugar was bothering me and she said something like "Maybe you should just stick to your cucumbers then" in a sarcastic kind of a way. And she's not ususally sarcastic at all. But maybe she really IS clueless and is speaking without thinking. I'm really sorry if my changes are bothering her. If her comments continue I guess I will have to say something. Yuck. Not looking forward to that conversation.

And no 2frustrated, she wasn't denying herself ANYTHING. She was getting her 200 bucks worth.

beautifulone
02-13-2007, 10:22 AM
Robin, first of all, I hope you are proud of yourself for staying on track! That was awesome.

It's hard to actually know why she said what she did or possibly even what she meant by it. It's still inappropriate nonetheless. I know if a good friend said that to me, I would try to talk to them about it and ask what they meant to see if maybe what they meant by saying that was different from how I interpreted it. Or just tell them how I felt and that I didn't appreciate it and I was hurt given it came from them.

I haven't experienced this but I think it's worthwhile talking about it, explaining yourself, and allowing the other person to explain themselves. If she meant what she said inappropriately, hopefully she'll realize how rude it was and apologize to you for it. Sometimes people just don't realize.

Either way, good for you. Given the choice of deserts, 7 bites, that's super!

2frustrated
02-13-2007, 10:24 AM
Maybe she was feeling "guilty" for eating cake and she thought you should be too!!! :dunno: I don't know why what we eat matters so much to other people. Would you say to someone at the filling station, "Oh you're using DIESEL are you - well, I use Super-Unleaded, I'm far superior than YOU!" :crazy:

JayEll
02-13-2007, 10:27 AM
And then we wonder why some of us became secret eaters!!! Gee whiz, some people are just crying out to be told "mind your own effing business"! I can't believe those coworkers, Alora199.

rockinrobin, some people just get overly involved in their friends' stuff. Your friend sounds like one of these people. It's like you're her adopted child or something. You may need to tell her--in a kindly, friendly way, since she's your friend--that you'd rather she not monitor your food so much or make comments about what you're eating or not eating. Do this when you're not angry with her. She'll be taken aback, but I think this is a boundary issue. Also, don't tell her anything about foods tasting too sweet, etc., because obviously she is not that sympathetic.

Good for you on planning ahead. I planned ahead the other day and allowed myself a piece of apple pie with ice cream. It was 400 calories, and you know what? It wasn't worth it. I didn't feel good afterward. I wonder if I ever really liked eating things like that... Well, another lesson learned.

Jay

rockinrobin
02-13-2007, 10:37 AM
Yes JAyell, I was thinking I shouldn't have said that the sugar in the pineapple was too sweet. I left myself wide open to criticisim.

About the apple pie, I know what you mean. It's great that it feels not worth it. As far as my eating the desserts I would have much rather of eaten my dinner, but we left before it was served and I stupidly thought I was entitled to eat more calories so I ate the desserts instead. though I feel no guilt because I kept within my calorie range I really didn't enjoy it all that much. They weren't my favorite desserts, like cheesecake or rainbow cookies with the marzipan.

Tara D
02-13-2007, 10:38 AM
Your friend is obviously clueless about the whole concept of calorie counting. Regardless, I think her comment was very inappropriate. Even if you had been on a diet on which eating 7 bites of dessert would be a "violation", I think that she didn't have the right to scold you. Maybe she thought that she was just being playful, but she should have realized that this could be hurtful to you. I would make sure that she understands how you feel...before this ends up ruining a long friendship due to suppressed grudges.

srmb60
02-13-2007, 10:44 AM
The self appointed food police ;)

alinnell
02-13-2007, 10:50 AM
I don't know what (if anything) you said to your friend, but I think I would have simply said, "What fiasco? I planned all week for this dinner and seven bites of dessert is not going to undo all of my planning. In fact, I deserve a reward every now and then for all the hard work I've been doing to get as far as I have." (Biatch.) I had a tea a few months ago and they served each of us 5 desserts. I had a bite of each, finished the ones I liked and left the rest. I didn't feel the least bit guilty, and neither should you!!!

bargoo
02-13-2007, 10:56 AM
Robin, you and everybody else can eat whatever you want whenever you want whether is a rich desert or salad. It is your business and no one else.Your friend was very rude and tactless.Sometimes people who never have a weight problem are just stupid about there remarks.And sometimes they are worried that if you are successful you my look better than they do or maybe she is worried that she should be on a diet too.I find that it is better that I do not tell anybody I am dieting, that avoids a lot of unwanted comments.

Angihas2
02-13-2007, 10:59 AM
I'm sorry your friend was so tactless and couldn't see past her own issues to remark upon the wonderful amount of work you've done and you're fantabulous restraint with only 7 bites of dessert. You know, I know, these other ladies know, weight loss/maintance is a constant thing. It's not something we can quit being vigilant about. You did it the right way, planned accordingly, adjusted calories leading up to event and then, restrained yourself during it. You should be applauded for that and if this friend can't see past the end of her spiteful nose and congratulate you, I will. Congratulations on a job well done.

marbleflys
02-13-2007, 11:02 AM
OK, I'm going to open another option.....she's your dear friend, you've been NICE about the comments....but the cucumber remark is WAY out of line.....what a *kind* thing to say to a dear friend....jealousy is rearing it's ugly head?

YOU HAVE LOST 97#!!!! all by yourself, she didn't do it for you. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you don't need her to watch what you eat, you're an adult and can make any choice what you prefer to eat. You shouldn't have to explain your diet logic in-depth, geeze some people just are NOSY.

you have incredible patience....I might have slapped her.

NESunshine
02-13-2007, 11:13 AM
Ohhh Robin I feel ya.
I went out after work with some coworkers before a show last week and ordered a salad while they plowed down a double decker appetizer tray...they offered me some and I said no thanks, to which I then sustained the sarcastic 'oh I forgot... you're on a diet' ....well right off the shoulders I let it roll...even though I really wanted to turn around and snap back something along the lines of 'ya maybe you should think about one too man, cause you're not so svelte yourself!'
They also got pizza for the monthly birthday a couple of weeks ago for lunch...I went, I brought my water and skipped the soda, had a bunch of salad and the 2 small slices of veggie pizza there. I knew I was gonna have it, I planned it in my day...but the responses I got was oh...huh...surprised to see you here...I didn't think you could have pizza.....
whatever....it just kills me...because the more and more I lose the more and more they are all supportive and excited...but become critical the moment I either eat something they think I shouldn't or say no thank you to something I really don't want. I've just reserved myself to ignoring what other people say...even my best friend.

Soon2BFitChick
02-13-2007, 11:38 AM
Wow, Robin. I have been there, honey.

Let me say this. People who haven't walked 5 miles a day for weeks along with eating half of what you are used to have no clue how hard it can be. I learned this the hard way. I mean, I always knew that ppl don't seem to get it and love to slather on the advice to us who are losing, even when they have never done it. But one day after I had lost about 70 pounds in 2005 I was in my hometown visiting and we were eating at Casa Ole. Here I am counting in my head how many chips I am having b4 the food comes so I can write it all down when I leave and look it up online to see how many calories and fat grams everything has.. when I hear my sister across the table saying something about my neice gaining some weight (her daughter, who was about 5 yrs old) but adding that she doesn't eat much. And in truth she didn't eat much, and now the child is long and tall and still not eating much... but let's get back to the comment..

She was saying something about how her older girl is so thin and Jenna isn't. (wasn't yet) And my mom always says that Mallory (the older one) is like my sister (who was 95 pounds in high school) and Jenna is like me (not just weight but attitude, school interest, etc. (I was a nerd who read alot and got really high grades, Jenna does too). So then my sister says, "And I just don't want her to be like Selina, and have that problem." And I looked up and then looked at my dh and he sorta smirked, like what was that??

So even though my mom always told me to be the bigger person (ha, what a pun) and just let remarks slide, I was sick of letting them slide. So I said, "Excuse me? You are gonna say that right in front of me and HER? What right do you have to tell my neice it's bad to be like me? Much less sit here and call her fat when she isn't?" My sister and my mom of course don't like any type of confrontation. So they get quiet and then get their things and go pay for their food and then go to the car. So I did the same. She called me right after and said, "You know, I didn't mean anything by that. I don't get what the big deal is." I said, "That's exactly right. You don't get it. You were always small. You haven't dealt with being less important than other people for 26 years either just bc of your weight (bc we all know that being fat tends to negate how smart and funny and all the other things we are). And on top of that, I've had to be the 'bigger' person and let all the comments go all my life. Well, I'm not letting them go anymore. I have worked my butt off for the way I look now and I'm not letting you or anyone else make me feel bad about myself again, esp. not in front of your and my kids!"

She just sat there on the other end of the phone. Then she mumbled something like 'well I didn't mean to say anything to bother you' or something. I couldn't let it go anymore. I went and packed and drove back to my home in Houston. I didn't even stay to hunt eggs so we did our own here at home (we had colored more than 70 to take down there). And I am NOT the kind of person to make my kids miss out. I was just so infuriated (for one of the first times in my life). Instead of having any empathy for me and the battle I have fought sense before I could write my name, she continued to step on me.

Do you want to know why it was especially touchy for her at that time???

She is heavier than she has ever been. She weighs about 128 or maybe more now. And she is 4 ft 11 in tall. She is in bigger clothes than ever, maybe bigger than when she was pregnant. And she is now dealing with ppl making comments. My uncle (the joker of the family) also keeps telling her "Hmm, looks like you are going up when your sister is going dowwwwwn." And you have to realize that she never has read books on losing, or how others have lost, and now she is beginning to get scared that she can't lose it. Ever. I have empathy for her in this. (yep, back to being the understanding one of the two of us). It is all new to her. And one more thing about this, ever since I said something to her, she has been very supportive and more understanding. She even compliments me when I see her, which is nice to hear (even though I tend to think it is a bit forced, I say thank you anyway). I truly believe that when I was very heavy I didn't think I had a right to defend myself. Now I do, and she along with everyone else have to get used to it.

So always remember that each person who makes these comments is probably fighting a battle of her own, maybe weight, maybe something else. But whatever it is, they want the focus off them and on you. Doesn't mean they are hateful, just confused by their own thoughts. And I have always said that when you start looking better, others get scared because things WILL change. And it's the truth.

ennay
02-13-2007, 11:48 AM
People are idiots.

My mom does that to me. Like at thanksgiving when we were still at our friends house and pies were brought out I didnt eat any and she assumed it was because I was "dieting". So when we got home and 2 hours later I had pie she ragged on me about not being able to resist it.

Uh...no, just wasnt hungry then. In fact I was stuffed.

But even my DOCTOR did it once. I was in to get a fasting cholesterol screen and the first appt they could get me was 1 pm. So I hadnt eaten since 8 pm the night before. As soon as they drew my blood I pulled out a clifbar. She started commenting on how THAT was why I was fat. Eating clif bars. Ummmmm Its 2:00 pm and I have eaten a whopping 240 calories today. Yeaaaaah.

LisaMarie71
02-13-2007, 12:33 PM
I will NEVER understand why people comment about other people's eating habits. Maybe it's because I've had a weight problem for a long time (in fact, before I was heavy I was too thin so I always heard the "you're going to blow away in the wind" comments, which annoyed me as a child), so I guess it's easy for me to see how hurtful and just plain irritating it can be. But still...how can people not see how rude they're being? I honestly don't get it! If a coworker came to work and only ate plain lettuce leaves for three days straight and then had two boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts on the fourth day, I honestly don't think I'd say a word. You know why? Because I don't CARE! It's her body, her choice -- she can do what she wants! I'd give anything if everyone felt the same way. We all know what's good for us and what's bad, and we know when we're making bad choices. Heck, I PLAN to make a bad choice here and there just to treat myself, and I don't need anyone to TELL me it's a bad choice.

It really is amazing that people will try to give you advice about losing weight even when they've never had to lose an ounce. People STILL try to give me advice, even though I've lost 70 pounds since July. First they ask me how I'm doing it, and then when I tell them they proceed to tell me how I SHOULD be doing it.

alinnell
02-13-2007, 12:42 PM
People are idiots.

ennay~that says it all.

lilybelle
02-13-2007, 01:00 PM
Robin, I'm sorry she was so rude to you. Many times people open their mouth without thinking. I have definitely had my share of food police since starting this wt. loss journey.

At Christmas my sister's MIL commented on me having a piece of pie. She was totally rude and said "I see that you are going to end up fat again". I wanted to smack her but instead just laughed and said "not on your life". Since she is about 100 lbs. bigger than me, I'm guessing she hopes I gain my weight back. I don't know why she thought what I eat or what I weigh is any of her business at all. I didn't offer any excuses to her. I had purposely skipped my breakfast so I could have 1 piece of dessert.

Sometimes I just want to tell the food police "dammit, I have lost over 90 lbs. so I obviously don't need you telling me what I should or shouldn't do and while we're at it maybe you should watch what you eat".

Ilene
02-13-2007, 01:05 PM
I just remember a line my mother used on a food police neighbour once : "You look in your plate and I'll look in mine" and she kept on eating... :lol3: love my mom!!

MarianneW
02-13-2007, 01:11 PM
My SIL is a lot like your friend. She lost a TON of weight from the time she was a teenager to now (too much, we all think) because she was obsessed about her weight. Now, everytime I am around her, I feel HUGE and completely discouraged. She is not as tactless, but she says things like "no one here is going to lose weight because I see what they are eating..." (she is running a family Biggest Loser program) I think she is not mean-spirited, just like your friend isn't, but she might not always think of the ramifications of what she says before she says them. I am proud of your strength in just having 7 bites of that many desserts. I honestly don't think I could have done that. Don't worry about what others think or say- all that matters is what you think & do. Good Luck!

ennay
02-13-2007, 01:19 PM
I just remember a line my mother used on a food police neighbour once : "You look in your plate and I'll look in mine" and she kept on eating... :lol3: love my mom!!

go mom!! :rofl:

MarianneW
02-13-2007, 01:26 PM
i love it ! i gotta remember to use that one!

rockinrobin
02-13-2007, 01:48 PM
I can see you can all relate and FULLY understand. I kinda knew you would. When I'm with my friends...... I am the only one amongst us who is counting calories. It works for me and I plan on doing it forever and ever. I don't think my friend meant to be mean or unkind in anyway. I think she was just being ummm.... not too swift. And she's a real, real bright one. Go figure. I also don't think she can fathom actually planning on eating dessert and planning a whole week in advance at that. If she says something again, I will have to just tell her in a nice way (I'm not looking to cause a rift here), that I really don't appreciate her comments. That they bother me. Hopefully it won't come to that. But I have a feeling, a strong one at that, that it will be necessary to say something sooneer or later.

And Ilene, something tells me your mom's line is going to get a lot of use from here on in. I for one will DEFINITELY be remembering it. ;) The food police. Grrr. Gets me so mad. I think I will need to get used to it. :devil:

Beach Patrol
02-13-2007, 02:00 PM
While I do agree with everyone that the "friend" was tactless in her chosen words, and the comment didn't have any place being made - I also see the other side of the coin.

When I'm chubby (like I am now.... 168 at present typing) I swear to you that MY DIET and MY EXERCISE and MY WEIGHT LOSS (or gain) is my MAIN daily train of thought. So of course I talk about it. When I'm thin, I talk less about it - WAY LESS! - but it is still in the back of my mind.

I have a friend who is obese. I love her to death, and we've known each other well over 30 years. (geesh! I just made myself feel old! LOL!) We've talked about weight & weight loss to the extremities. Why we eat, what our downfalls are, how we feel about it, etc. When we were teenagers, I was very thin (too thin) & she was "normal". Not fat, but normal, with a little bit of a tummy pooch. It shocked me when she recently told me that she still sees me like that, but considers herself to be "cow-like". HUH??? I mean, we've BOTH gained & lost weight - LOTS of it. But she has gained much more, and I am, even at my heaviest, still thinner than her.

Yet, I do diet, and exercise. Sometimes I do the two-steps forward and three-steps back thing, which is why I gain/lose/gain/lose - but I am always TRYING. She doesn't. She'll eat three or four helpings of dinner, and have two candy bars at lunch, & never eat breakfast (or eat way too much) - and then she'll ***** about HER WEIGHT. Then of course, sometimes, she throws out the junk food & tries to eat healthy, but if I ever make a suggestion of something she can do better or whatever, she gets snippy. I understand this behavior - I DO - but after so many years of the same old yappity-yap, you get kinda tired of hearing it. I even get tired of hearing it when it comes out of my mouth.

So maybe best friend was just having an off-day that day. I'm just sayin' - AND TRYING - to not be so critical even of those who don't always say the right thing.

Whittlin
02-13-2007, 02:19 PM
If she's tried to give you support otherwise, it's possible she wasn't herself at that very social event, perhaps nervous or preoccupied. Let's hope that's it. But why on earth she would bring it up later and use an almost humerous word like "fiasco" - kind of sounds like she was trying to minimize what she knew was a mistake or get you to laugh about it to get herself off the hook.

I hope she's apologized by now and it's over in your mind and hers. But if that's not the case and it comes up again, remind her you were within your calories and ask her if she honestly believes you will only deserve nice desserts when you weigh less. It's possible she really thinks you don't, and that somehow she's supposed to stop you until you are worthy. If these ideas are in her head, you two need to TALK!

Sorry the night had a low spot. Sounds great otherwise.

SwimGirl
02-13-2007, 03:38 PM
I'd love to know why people feels it's their right to comment on others food, it's a HUGE source of frustration for me. January is ALWAYS the worst, thats when a lot of people at work started the "oh, look at you, eating all healthy".

I guess people will always comment, you just have to choose how you want to respond. Knowing this, we have the time to come up with really great comebacks... so let me know if you come up with something ;)

-Aimee

Nikaia
02-13-2007, 03:41 PM
January is ALWAYS the worst, thats when a lot of people at work started the "oh, look at you, eating all healthy".

Ugh, my mom had that problem. She's around 240 lbs, and has wanted to lose it for a long time. But it was only about a month or so ago that she finally was ready to get to work on it. Since that coincided with January, she got asked about her "New Year's Resolution" sooo many times. After about the third one, I started pitying those who asked. My mom's a little bulldog - my friends call me a badass/b****/etc, but I'm still scared of my mom! I get the feeling she tore strips out of a few people at her work. *grin*

rockinrobin
02-13-2007, 04:02 PM
You would think that commenting on someone elses eating habits would be taboo. Just one big no-no. Apparently not.

And the more I think about it, the fact that my friend called me up and the first thing out of her mouth was did I get over the dessert fiasco, was indeed MEAN and very, very uncalled for. To go on and bring it up after the fact makes it that much more so. Very out of character for her. I won't let it ruin our friendship though, she's too important to me. I'm beginning to think she just might be a little jealous. She's been battling 25-35 lbs for as long as I know her (16 years) and it probably irks her (without realizing it) that here I was, this big huge person and I was able to get off 90+ lbs and she can't manage to get off her 25 -35 lbs. She's mentioned to me many, many times she wishes she could eat how I am now eating. Again, I won't hold it against her, weight just really is a tough subject for all of us. :(

SwimGirl
02-13-2007, 04:31 PM
Robin - I know I can be sensitive about dieting and food, and for the most part I haven't had people I could tell about it without them trying to get me off plan. I seriously once had a girl I worked with pin me down and try and force a cookie in my mouth. Crazy people.

What we are doing is good and right, and sometimes people can't accept that they aren't able to do it because it's HARD work! My mom always says this to me - you do NOT owe anyone an explanation. (except for her of course ;) heh ).

Nikaia - January is one month that really bothers me, and for the most part I STOP dieting in that month just because it bothers me so much. Good on your mother, we shouldn't have to tolerate others being so mean!

-Aimee

Nikaia
02-13-2007, 04:43 PM
I seriously once had a girl I worked with pin me down and try and force a cookie in my mouth.

:yikes: Are you SERIOUS? Who the **** taught these people manners? Apparently nobody did, if they think that that kind of behavior is acceptable. I'd have literally hit the b****. Wow. What happened with her after the fact?

My mom always says this to me - you do NOT owe anyone an explanation. (except for her of course heh ).

Our moms would get along. *grin*

sweet_talker
02-13-2007, 05:44 PM
ughhhh...I'm with all of you. People who make poor eating choices, and then project their guilt onto you, by asking sarcastically "that's it?!" with a glance at your plate. Ughhhh.

SwimGirl
02-13-2007, 07:57 PM
Nikaia - I quit that job and never looked back! I can't believe people sometimes, those women were especially mean about dieting. One girl told me that it was unhealthy to quit having processed foods and sugar - what the heck?!?! That was my only experience of working in a plus size clothing store - never again!

-Aimee

Ilene
02-13-2007, 08:40 PM
Robin -- Just don't tell your friend about this site ;) the support you get here you will never get in real life... This site has helped me so much in losing my first 15# :yes:

almostheaven
02-13-2007, 08:54 PM
I think my only comment to this "friend" would have been "Why? Are you jealous because you didn't get any?"

**Jennifer**
02-13-2007, 09:33 PM
Robin, my gosh, with what you've lost, and as far as you've come in such a short time...no one has the right to question you for having bites of 7 desserts. Or 10. Or skipping all of the other courses and digging into a piece of cheesecake, for an event you planned into your calories and your day.

I work with a woman who sounds a lot like your friend- doesn't think about how the comments will be taken. It's usually done out of her own insecurity than anything else.

I work 1 desk over from this freakshow- who has seen me bring breakfast, and lunch, every day for how long now, turn down bagels, turn down McDonalds, ordering in, trips out to lunch, offers of cookies, candy, chocolate, chips, and more, while she sits at the next desk and indulges. Today, she shafted me with work while she took off for 2 hours. To make it up to me, she walks in, and places a hot, fresh chocolate chip cookie on my desk, and walks off. Hello!!! That doesn't make up for you being a total idiot, and secondly, I DON'T WANT YOUR STUPID COOKIE. It smelled good, but I let it sit out for 2 hours on my desk, and I threw it away.

Some people don't think before they open their mouth. Other people...well, just don't think.


And Robin- again, you're kicking butt, and doing amazingly, and don't let one person's own insecurity and comments slow you down, even for a minute. Rock on!

Nikaia
02-13-2007, 10:31 PM
Nikaia - I quit that job and never looked back! I can't believe people sometimes, those women were especially mean about dieting. One girl told me that it was unhealthy to quit having processed foods and sugar - what the heck?!?! That was my only experience of working in a plus size clothing store - never again!

-Aimee

Wow. It makes a sick sort of sense. Because after all, if people lose weight, they won't have to buy plus sizes anymore. If people don't need to buy plus sizes anymore, guess who's out of a job? But that's still just beyond the bounds of decency, the trick with the cookie. And how is it UNhealthy to quit eating junk food? Where'd she study nutrition, McDonalds?

WindyCityChick
02-13-2007, 10:56 PM
Wow Robin, I am really sorry that your friend has made you feel this way. Sounds like she is someone who you value greatly, so we'll assume that she's done a lot of other wonderful things to make your friendship worth it, but I think you should clear the air with her about her latest comments. She may not even realize that she's being so negative.

I started a new job recently, and I have to say that it's really nice to have a group of people who don't know me as the person I was 70 pounds ago - no one comments on what I'm eating, and they just know me as the current version of me. (of course, given that I'm only about half way to goal, hopefully they will get to see me transform myself further - but at least for now, it's a nice respite from the attention on my efforts).

Mami
02-14-2007, 09:06 AM
There's a slim chance that your friend was trying to be helpful in her own way..ya know, maybe thinking food is like an addiction to you and if you have a few bites of your old treats you'll fall off the wagon like a smoker who takes one puff and we ALL think we have the right to comment on our loved one's smoking. And if they took just one puff, we would be commenting and up in arms so maybe its coming from the same place. I would just clear the air to get over your anger and to prevent her from pissing you off in the future. "Hey sweetheart, I know you're just looking out for me but it really bothers me when people make me feel like I need to justify what I'm doing when it comes to food. As you can see by my numbers..I got this!" Me personally, even if I've always been trying to get off my 35 pounds like your friend, I would still be SO happy for my friend if she made the decision to stop being obese and she was following through with getting healthier as you have. I would simply never be jealous of this so I wouldn't instinctively think your friend is.

Reddalice
02-14-2007, 09:35 AM
First of all- way to stick to your guns at that event! I'm proud of you! ^-^ I thought about this situation for a while, perhaps she views her comments as helpful... you know, keeping you on track. Then again, she may be using you to feel better about herself by making pointed comments to draw attention to your habits and away from the ones she has and is ashamed of. My father does the former, I can't eat a piece of a carrot or sip a glass of nonfat milk without a comment from him. I know it is just his personality, it always has been, and regardless of his sarcastic insensitive tone- he means to help me by "reinforcement" and by keeping my "mind on my money, and money on my mind (fat...)."

I don't know your friend so it is difficult to be sure, but I think that it's a childish tactic reminiscent of high school years. You know what I mean, pick on the "rich/thin/athletic/religious/happy/healthy/poor/creative/etc" person because your jealous of what they have that you don't. You don't want anyone to know, because it angers and frustrates you, so you deflect attention.

rockinrobin
02-14-2007, 09:41 AM
Mami, I don't think she's jealous of me. I think if she's jealous of anything, it's the fact that I am able to lose weight and she's not. But not to the point where she wouldn't want me to lose. I really and truly know she is 100% thrilled and happy for me. At least I think so. No, I know so. We are so close, closer then sisters in fact. We speak to each other about 5 x a week and see each other at least once a week. I don't know, I think maybe she might have been almost glad to see me eat those desserts, like I'm human after all and felt the need to comment on :?: . She did see my dessert plate fully loaded, she just didn't realize I had eaten only 7 bites. I really think she's oblivious to the comments and just how insensitive and OUT OF LINE they were. But rest assured if it comes up again I will point it out to her, gently.

Windycitychick, I can't imagine what it would be like to be with a whole group of people who haven't known me from when I was so heavy. It just must be so weird. On one hand I really love how supportive and complimentary every one has been to me, but on the other hand it would be nice for it (my weightloss and eating habits) to be a non-issue. In fact it would be REAL nice the more I think about it. Oh well.

AquaWarlock
02-14-2007, 02:25 PM
I agree with SusanB that it's a no-win situation either way -- people will make comments/give you looks whether if you're striving to eat light or if you're treating yourself for a special occasion. As long as *you* know you're making progress, that should be all that matters.

And agreed, kudos on the willpower! I'm sure I'd have more than 7 bites if I was attacked by a dessert buffet, ha!

FullSteamAhead
02-14-2007, 07:16 PM
I read your post rockinrobin and the following posts, and I cannot say enough ladies of how I feel when I Read such things! An old anger builds up! It just infuriates me! I think for the most part, what makes me more mad than anything, is how hard one works only to have a clueless person throw in a heap of poison, knowingly or unknowingly!.

As one of the posters said here, do not share all of your goals etc. with all. It can be a big mistake, not everyone is supportive. Even the people we love the most can be sabotaging in unconscious ways, its a very delicate situation and one we must watch closely! Luckily, I have the 2 closest people on my side and supporting me but...


As far as the scrutiny you felt robin, it had no impact on how well you were and are doing. FOr you yourself know how much you cut back and have made progress!!!!! HOw can others know this? we are our best measures of success! so what? you had 7 bites of dessert, look at all you did cut back. That is my point! The other thing i wanted to say is even when your doing things to the point you feel is perfect ( I became very fit and reached my goal point at one point), there are certain individuals that will stillllllllll find something to harp on you about! God help us if we rely on them! and this is why we must absolutely set and pat ourselves on the back for when we do accomplish what we want! I truly believe that in a journe of weight loss and success (whether it be career, etc. ) we learn who our true friends are!

I guess what I am trying to say is, I wouldn't let too many people in on my plan! I wouldn't divulge too many details! I don't know what it is, but I find I am much more succesful when I just do it and not say it! Open the door, to an extent, to those who support you! keep the door closed to those who do n ot . Also, it has been my experience that people can be happy for each other yet maybe jealous of each other at the same time! so just follow your instinct! divulge as much info as you feel is safe, yet if it gets a bit couterproductive, may think about holding back a bit. Keep u p the great work! :)

Reddalice
02-14-2007, 07:37 PM
Mami, I don't think she's jealous of me. I think if she's jealous of anything, it's the fact that I am able to lose weight and she's not. But not to the point where she wouldn't want me to lose. I really and truly know she is 100% thrilled and happy for me.

I am sure she is a 100% happy for you- but we all know what it is like trying to fight ourselves and how ambivalent we may become. * I love this dress, I hate how it fits. I'm happy my sister is getting married, happy that she is happy, but sad and angry that I am loosing my best friend. I am so happy my best friend is becoming healthy, I want her around forever- I'm upset though, not quite sure why, but I feel a little left out. * Maybe she feels like your new prioritize push her too far out of the picture.

chimichanga
02-14-2007, 07:53 PM
a little piece of advice from another someone who knows... Don't tell anyone you are thinking about dieting, going on a diet or currently trying to lose weight. Especially people at work. Just eat what you want, drink what you want when you want, be fussy and keep it to yourself. If somebody asks you if your on a diet, tell them to piss off!!! Its really none of their business... and trust me it saves lots of hassle in the long run. :)

rai
02-14-2007, 08:02 PM
i guess i take the other side of it. If this is your best friend then she probably meant it without any malicious intent. She probably thought she was supporting you, and perhaps she didn't know that you had already planned to have a splurge on that day. My best friend and I are trying to lose weight right now, and I'll be the first one to get on her if she's not eating right. Likewise, she would be on my back in a minute if she saw me eating a brownie. That's what best friends do. You support each other and talk to each other. It seems as if the main issue in this situation is that you two did not talk about your plans for the night in regards to eating.

veggielover
02-14-2007, 08:22 PM
People watch my food all the time. They comment if it's low fat or weird or healthy ... they comment if it's ridiculous desserts .... can't win.
Apparently in this day and age ... it's open season on 'known health nuts'.

INDEED!! Where do they all come from???

shelby897
02-14-2007, 08:29 PM
So your friend became the food police!! I'm always wonder why someone thinks it's okay to criticize your eating when you are trying to eat healthy -- where was all their help when you really needed it? I doubt it, but I would like to think in her own way she was trying to help. You know you did great, we all know you are doing great.

sportmom
02-14-2007, 08:30 PM
Chimichanga is on to something. I walked in on a group "discussing" my weight loss in the lunch room once, but they were all nice about it, just were trying to figure out if I had told anyone what plan I was on.

So, Robin, I thought at first that she was just getting on to you for grabbing food as you went out the door, while they were doing buffet set-up, and embarrassing her that way since the buffet staff were still trying to do the set up. But after reading the cucumber comment, I think it is more complex. It's a shame but there are some people who feel they need to comment on everything that they see that evokes a reaction in them. As I tell my kids, we all need to make sure our mouth filters are in the "on" position whether with friends or with strangers.

rockinrobin
02-14-2007, 10:13 PM
No hrbabe, it wasn't that the buffet was being set up,it was practically complete. We were not the only ones to leave early, loads of people were eating the dessert already, her included.

I really don't think it was meant in a supportive matter either. I just think she was wrong. Plain and simple. I've said this many times, smart people say stupid things sometimes. Myself included. Though it's becoming a bit of a pattern. My health kick and my weightloss are new for her. In fact I think it overwhelms her at times. We're together a lot. We went to the dinner together, hung out at the buffet together, sat together. People were coming up to me left and right and mentioning my weightloss, while totally ignoring her. I could see where that could get to a person after awhile. It happens all the time. Not just at the dinner that night. We have a lot of friends in common, we live in the same neighborhood. We do a lot of stuff together and are always running into people who mention my weightloss. It could make even the most sane, rational person a little cuckoo. They're not excuses, but I really can see where it's beginning to drive her batty. She'll just have to get over it. I'm sure it will get better as there are less and less people who have yet to see me.

Chimichanga when you're as big as I was, it's hard not to notice a drastic weightloss. There's no way to keep it a secret.

chimichanga
02-14-2007, 11:26 PM
robin- how big were you? I started at 300lb.
I'm not saying I've always kept it a secret, but i've learned through experiencing the awkward comments/glares/tough love. Sure they will have noticed and been happy for you and that's absolutely fantastic (as is the amt. you've lost! ) but if they see you eating a brownie they wouldn't have the same compulsion to stop you as someone who knew you were trying NOT to have the brownie but couldn't stop yourself.

hrbabe- i would have been "spittin' chips" if I heard that!!! Like way to alienate you, office people!! People love gossip I guess... there's not much you can do about that... you seem very patient tho. :)

If someone asks what your doing just tell them you're on a strict diet of "dust" and water. :lol:

Seriously, if you'd rather not discuss your methods that's fair enough too I think. Maybe I just think that way because I never ever pry into other ppls business, they usually just tell me if they feel comfortable enough. To each his own.

chimichanga
02-15-2007, 12:04 AM
i just thought of something- just tell your BF that your not going to diet anymore for a while (not a lie- you are "changing your lifestyle") and she won't worry when she sees you eating a slice of cake. :D

almostheaven
02-15-2007, 01:01 AM
Ya know, I'm not quite sure just dieting has anything to do with people who will police other people's eating. Back when I was overweight and NOT dieting, I once had a co-worker comment, rudely, on the amount of salt I was putting on my lunch. Started going on about high blood pressure, etc. I just put more salt on. :D

Mami
02-15-2007, 09:36 AM
If I came into a room and co-workers were talking about how much weight I lost and wondering which plan I'm on, I'd be beaming. I only think its rude to discuss people when you're saying something mean or offensive about them. I guess if they were discussing it I would be thinking, "yes! my hard work is starting to pay off".

Interesting dynamic with Robin's friend, being constantly privy to the compliments and being ignored in the process. I don't know, if I was her I'd probably (a) be REALLY psyched for my friend and (b) get mighty motivated to lose MY extra 30 pounds (that I think you mentioned she wants to lose) so everyone can start complimenting me too! LOL! I would love to have a friend as disciplined as Robin around to get me into it (not having the greatest week eating and working out wise :( ).

rockinrobin
02-15-2007, 10:27 AM
Oh Mami, I like your take on things. I just do. Always.

Anyway, I think a little bit of my new life is starting to rub off on her. She's definitely THINKING about changing things up. The funny thing is she's a vegetarian. Her kids and hubby are quite chubby. The kids really, really chubby. Like I said she's a vegetarian but they load up on the carbs. Pasta, pasta and more pasta, with cheese and then more cheese. There's always ice cream in her house and cake. She knows that I live on veggies. And low fat proteins such as white meat chicken and fish. Something she just can't, make that WON'T touch.

Almostheaven people never said a word to me about my food intake when I was 287 lbs. Never. I think now they think they have a "right" to. For whatever reason. Maybe they think it's open season on my eating. The thing is they DON'T have the right. I'm sure eventually this will die down. One day I'll be at a normal weight and everyone (except me) will forget about the struggles I went through and will continue to go through for the rest of my born days.

Chimichanga, you were 300 lbs.? Wow. Congratulations on your incredible, incredible weightloss. That's amazing. I started out at 287 lbs. No, I can't tell my friend or anyone else for that matter that I'm no longer on a diet. I never, ever not once looked at it as a "diet". It was a total and complete life style transformation for me. I'm not a good liar either, so fudging wouldn't work. I've let her past comments slide because I was always so taken aback. But now I will be on the look out for them and seize the opportunity if it arises and gently tell her in no uncertain terms to please cut it out. She'll be terribly embarassed and I don't think it will occur again. She just really needs to be made AWARE of what she's doing.

Mami
02-15-2007, 03:22 PM
Thanks Rockinrobin! I only WISH I had your discipline right now, things are NOT going well this week!

rockinrobin
02-15-2007, 05:03 PM
Let me tell you Mami, if I looked as good as you and weighed as little as you, I'm not quite sure where I would find the motivation to be as disciplined as I am now at over 190 lbs. At just 5 feet tall. So yeah, we'll just see how that discipline holds up over time. (Man, I sure as heck hope it does) ;)

rai
02-15-2007, 05:50 PM
[QUOTE=rockinrobin;1573470]I really don't think it was meant in a supportive matter either. I just think she was wrong. Plain and simple. I've said this many times, smart people say stupid things sometimes. Myself included. Though it's becoming a bit of a pattern. My health kick and my weightloss are new for her. In fact I think it overwhelms her at times. We're together a lot. We went to the dinner together, hung out at the buffet together, sat together. People were coming up to me left and right and mentioning my weightloss, while totally ignoring her. I could see where that could get to a person after awhile. It happens all the time. Not just at the dinner that night. We have a lot of friends in common, we live in the same neighborhood. We do a lot of stuff together and are always running into people who mention my weightloss. It could make even the most sane, rational person a little cuckoo. They're not excuses, but I really can see where it's beginning to drive her batty. She'll just have to get over it. I'm sure it will get better as there are less and less people who have yet to see me.

[QUOTE]
yeah, that would suck. I can see how that would make someone feel a little depressed. But that she also give her motivation to change her lifestyle, especially since you two hang out so much.

Mami
02-15-2007, 06:31 PM
Thanx Robin. Its all relative I guess. Argh!!!!!!!!!!! I'm back up a few pounds to 148.5 but I'm not changing my ticker just yet as hopefully I'll be back down there next week. I just can't get it in gear to go work out right now though I only went once this week. And when I ordered a sandwich at lunch they *nicely* sent a free bag of chips, which I proceeded to eat except the last 1/8th of the bag. Antyways, as for you, I'm quite sure you will reach your goal and you don't have too far to come now (oh goody and then we'll see your pics!). How light you must feel to lose all that weight so quickly, you must just feel awesome and well you should. I'd say you just tacked several years onto your life..so screw "friends" and all others for that matter!

rockinrobin
02-16-2007, 09:35 AM
Thanx Robin. Its all relative I guess. Argh!!!!!!!!!!! I'm back up a few pounds to 148.5 but I'm not changing my ticker just yet as hopefully I'll be back down there next week. I just can't get it in gear to go work out right now though I only went once this week. And when I ordered a sandwich at lunch they *nicely* sent a free bag of chips, which I proceeded to eat except the last 1/8th of the bag. Antyways, as for you, I'm quite sure you will reach your goal and you don't have too far to come now (oh goody and then we'll see your pics!). How light you must feel to lose all that weight so quickly, you must just feel awesome and well you should. I'd say you just tacked several years onto your life..so screw "friends" and all others for that matter!

Thanks Mami. I'm sorry you're having a rough week. I have no doubt you'll get yourself back to where you want to be. You're one tough cookie. This is not a steady course that we're on, there are lots of twists and turns. Getting to the finish line is not a straight and narrow path.

I'm looking forward to posting those pics eventually also, believe me when I tell you. I surely hope I tacked some years on to my life. That was my main objective. There is too much to live for. I want to give myself the best opportunity for the longest possible life. Finally woke up from that nightmare of a life I was living in.

And as far as screwing friends and all the rest - I find this weightloss stuff to me a complete and solo act. My family has been super duper unbelivable supportive, especially my teenaged daughters. They are so thrilled for me for every pound lost. And every new clothing purchase and every new activity conquered. As happy as they are they can't possibly be as happy as I am. They hadn't a clue as to just how miserable I was. I was a good faker. So therefore they just can't know how rewarding and gratifying this is. So I really find it to be a very solitary thing. I'm the one doing the work and I'm the one that's living in my skin. It's hard for others to comprehend the full gist of it. Very solitary indeed. Thank goodness for 3FC.

Rai, it's funny until I started this thread I didn't realize just how much it must ummm, suck for my friend. I feel badly in fact. There's nothing I can do about it, but I am feeling more sympathetic towards her situation now. Again, I know this will pass. One day my weightloss will not be on everyone's minds and all will forget where I started at (except for me of course).

Ilene
02-16-2007, 09:51 AM
One day my weightloss will not be on everyone's minds and all will forget where I started at (except for me of course).
I think that's really the bottom line here, everyone will get used to seeing you eat healthy most of the time, eventually... When I started my weight loss journey everyone would ask me what "diet" I was on... I'd always say it's not a "diet" I watch what I eat all the time, it's the story of my life, I would tell them...90% of the time I eat healthy in front of people and everyone knows how much I exercise...now when I have something that is off plan, they just say, "Hey, you're gonna run/bike that off in an hour anyways" and I do because they see me running/biking all the time... I'm considered the health and exercise freak in my circle of friends and co-workers. In time when people see how persistant you are they'll lay off and understand and admire your persistence....

Krizstyling
10-11-2010, 02:44 PM
Ha! I just found this thread but was wondering, rockin, is she still your friend?

xty
10-11-2010, 03:58 PM
rockinrobin - You did an amazing job at handling the eating for this event! Congrats for the awesome planning and enjoying yourself too. Impressive.

But in regards to your friend - if you could possibly take a small step back when you are more calm...to an unbiased and mostly uninformed person it seems like you both may have some responsibility.

You said this is one of your closest friends. Yet you also noted it "wasnt your place" to at all comment on her eating, you are pretty upset by her comment but didnt feel good about discussing so many details of yours, and you just dont seem to be able to speak so freely about food with her. And ok - look SEVEN desserts is a freaking lot. Not saying you ate a lot, but if I saw someone take that many desserts Id prolly notice it...it is quite a high number. And if my best friend took 7 desserts, I would playfully give him crap about it...and if wanted to he might playfully set me straight.

I certainly dont know the subtext or language used, so maybe she was indeed trying to be rude or insensitive or judge your eating. But maybe not.

rockinrobin
10-11-2010, 04:48 PM
This is an almost 4 year old thread. 4 years old. Someone's got a lot of patience to dig this up. :)

I had completely forgotten about this incident.

I would not handle this the same way now. When I go to a dinner, I usually bring something with me and leave it in the car - an apple or a bag of 70 calorie popcorn. This way if there's nothing that I would chose to eat, I know I'm covered.

But really, there usually is something to eat. I've definitely learned how to navigate these things much better. I was a rookie back than. ;) Oh and I've developed a much thicker skin when it comes to the food police - mostly.

dragonwoman64
10-11-2010, 08:59 PM
Again, I won't hold it against her, weight just really is a tough subject for all of us. :(

wow! my jaw dropped reading your story. man, you certainly did not deserve that. well, it's true that people are always putting their feet in their mouths with those kinds of comments, and it usually speaks much more of their issues than yours. So, I guess it really is a good clue of how frustrated your friend must be over her struggle with eating. Sorry you had to experience that.

sorry, I responded before I realized it was an old thread!

Krizstyling
10-11-2010, 09:08 PM
THanks for responding!

I saw on another thread part of your story and I went back through your threads to see if I could find a full story or goal thread that you had posted =) Unfortunately, I couldn't find it but still you are definitely an inspiration!

shannonmb
10-11-2010, 09:48 PM
Robin, it must be so interesting to go back in time and see what you were thinking and feeling about this event, huh!