Weight Loss Support - Jealousy




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Miss Honey
02-12-2007, 08:52 AM
Do you find when you are losing weight. The others around you want for your failure.

Okay, the other day, I was with MIL cleaning and a bag of my old clothes fell in my hand. Needless to say the clothes were for a size 4-6. Well my MIL laugh and said " you need to give these clothes away because, you will never fit them again" :( Was that call for? I mean she knows I'm on a diet, Why say something so discouraging? When I am eating foods on my diet, she laugh and say "how cute" in a very sarcastic way.


Katheryne
02-12-2007, 09:15 AM
I've been having this problem with my sister, but to a lesser degree. Everyone else in my family has been generally supportive, aside from my mother, who likes bringing home brownie cakes. But my sister has been very critical and negative, and while she doesn't directly say "you'll never accomplish it," I know that's what she'd LIKE to say.

Throughout most of my life she's been this way towards me about various things, and I believe she always thought she was superior to me, regardless of if I got better grades in school, or a better job, etc, just as long as I was fat. I think she's quite worried about the possibility that I might not stay that way.

:hug:

shelby897
02-12-2007, 09:16 AM
I have a mother just like that. Have you tried before and not done too well? Just fuel for her fire. I honestly think people aren't trying to be negative, they just don't think before they speak!! If I'm doing great my mom will remind me that I'll probably have a slip up and if I do, she's very quick to catch on it. I'm sure your MIL wasn't thinking negative -- just spoke here mind!! Keep up the good work and remember when you start wearing that clothes to point out the money you've saved by not having to replace it -- after all she told you to get rid of it!!!


Get n healthy
02-12-2007, 09:27 AM
I think that is TERRIBLY tacky and rude of your MIL. I am a bit confrontational but i would have to ask her what she meant by that. Why she was so sure i would "fail". And in regards to the "how cute" comments...man, I think that is nuts. Sounds like she really has some issues. I would have to let her know how she really needs to focus on her own insecurities instead of what you are doing.

almostheaven
02-12-2007, 11:07 AM
My own mother does it. She tries to sabotage me at every turn and is EXTREMELY jealous. Not over just weight though. Sorry to say, but she's got some major issues. Issues that passed onto me and that I dealt with through counseling. But at 62, I doubt she's ready to work on "her".

EZMONEY
02-12-2007, 11:09 AM
The only way I feel your MIL was NOT being negative, is if she never is a smart a$$ about other things to you. If she doesn't, maybe she should choose her words better, if she is a smart a$$ to you on other issues ~ use it for fuel! Let that weight BURN off of you!! good luck.

bargoo
02-12-2007, 11:14 AM
Miss Honey, there are diet saboteurs everywhere, they will make cruel remarks or try to tempt you with calorie laden foods.I believe these types of people are worried that you will be successsful in your weight loss and actually look better than do, and husbands are afraid you might look good to someone else.Your MIL was rude and tactless, try and ignore it.I find it best not to even mention that I am on a diet and what do you know, these very people who are, jealous, rude or all of the above.One day , I bet, Your MIL will actually be proud of you and may even compliment you, I would not count on it though.

Cheryl14
02-12-2007, 11:23 AM
Hi Miss Honey!

Here's a hug for you!:hug:

I'm really sorry that your MIL was so cruel to say something like that! I go along with those who have said that she probably was just thinking out loud or maybe even voicing some of HER OWN feelings about HERSELF and clothing!

USE this experience to make you stronger! TELL yourself that it will be VERY SWEET when you can model those clothes for her someday soon!

Go RIGHT NOW and check out the GOALS and MINI GOALs section on this site. Check out the photo albums of all the successes. KNOW that you will be one of them soon!

Best of luck to you, sweetie!

Cheryl

phantastica
02-12-2007, 11:28 AM
I agree with the other posters. Her comments are fueled by insecurity and fear. They're afraid that if you change, things won't be the way they've always been.

I've not had too many problems with my family being mean about weight loss, but I did experience a lot of negative comments and sentiments when I took a career step that put me on a much more lucrative track.

Angihas2
02-12-2007, 11:29 AM
I find its more of a pushing them out of THEIR preconceived notions of who I am. Always the slightly chubby sister, kid, friend, always the overweight one. As I'm losing weight, I think it forces them to readjust their own thinking regarding me, and lets face it, most people, including ourselves get into a mindset of how we see a person. My mom was horrified on her last visit to find out we wear the same size pants. In her eyes, I'm the fat kid. She has a tall thin daughter, a tall, athletic son, and a tall fat kid. She's always been tall and skinny, as she gets older, not so skinny anymore. She's begun to put on that middle aged pudge, and as they travel in their RV everywhere, actually they live in it, due to her job, they eat out all the time, she's a doctor, so no time really for steady working out and they aren't in one place long enough to have a gym membership and RV's don't exactly lend themselves to work out room. So, now how she sees me and herself and her views of "how to deal with Angela" have to change. She's always sent me articles about weight loss, the newest diet craze, excersize, whatever. If she sends me crazy "get skinny diets" I explain whats wrong with it and send it back. Now, it's me sending her info, trying to show her how to work out in a small amount of time and make it work, urging her to try more low fat recipes, eat out less etc. My sister, same thing, she's always been uber skinny, and I haven't, I think she always saw herself as superiour, nevermind obvious distinctions, I'm college educated, she isn't, I don't do drugs, she's a meth-head, I have full custody of my children, the courts took her son away etc etc. The list goes on, but in her mind, as long as I was fat, well, I couldn't be to much better than her, right? I went home a few weekends ago, to visit her and my dad, and she cried when she saw me, accused me of losing weight to "ruin her life". Apparently, me being the fat chick was what her life was about? Now that she's off meth, her thinking is getting better< she did a 15 week in patient program>, but for her, having that successful, FAT sister, helped her in some way I guess? Anyway, the basis of what I was trying to say is, it's not so much they want you to fail, I think as it's they don't want to have to change the way they see you, the way they relate to you and their own ideas of who you are. Don't let it get you down, next time she makes a ridiculous comment, ask her to step outside the box and visualize you being successful, you being healthy and active and able to care for her son, grandkids etc. Make HER work on her own mental issues and you keep plugging awya at YOUR issues.

phantastica
02-12-2007, 11:37 AM
she cried when she saw me, accused me of losing weight to "ruin her life".

WTH!? That's insanity. Stay as far away as possible from that person (at least on an emotional level).

Miss Honey
02-12-2007, 12:12 PM
thanks everybody. I so happy I'm not alone on this one. I think in my family, I'm the one that can never get it right, so when something works for me others are going to get umcomfortable.

JayEll
02-12-2007, 12:49 PM
Miss Honey, I think they have a name in family dynamics for what your family is doing--I think it's that you are the "designated problem" so that everyone else gets to feel good about themselves.

Frankly I think your MIL is acting like a total b**** about it. I'm sorry to say that some MILs do this to DILs because they feel like they're competing for the love of Sonny Boy. That comment was just mean, there's no way it could have been just thinking out loud. Too bad that she's your MIL, because you can't just stay away from her--but I'd stay away as much as possible anyway.

Anhingas, wow, that's some screwed up sister. She sounds pretty "out there" mentally, and I'd think of her that way. Poor person--must be suffering terribly. I'm glad that you have some insight into the situation.

I don't have anyone trying to sabotage me, because if anyone did, they wouldn't be in my life anymore. Life is too short to put up with negativity from such people.

My younger sister has led a highly athletic life, and she started telling me about Sugar Busters one year and how great it worked. That's because she had maybe 10 pounds to lose, and after a couple of weeks or so they were gone. Well, she meant well, I'm sure of that--just trying to help--but some people don't understand just how long the effort has to go on if you have many many pounds to lose. It didn't get there overnight, and it's not going to disappear overnight, either, and it's really an endurance test to keep going.

Let's keep going, my friends!!!

Jay

shelby897
02-12-2007, 01:25 PM
In the same week -- my mother asked if I had looked into weight loss surgery and my sister thought I should look into weight loss drugs -- "means well" can only go so far! I think people just spew forth from the mouth without thinking first. So, the next time MIL mentions anything about your weight, ask her when she's getting her big nose fixed, her thighs reduced or her boobs lifted -- anything that will make her as uncomfortable as she has just made you and maybe she'll get the idea.

Miss Honey
02-12-2007, 02:29 PM
I really think that my inlaws love to see me fat and unhappy, so they can talk about me. I just glad it hasn't stop me with my diet efforts this time around. I'm tried of being the designated problem. I just want to feel good about myself.

Doughnut
02-12-2007, 03:22 PM
I agree with everything bargoo said.

I generally don't have a problem but I do have one friend who I used to work with (don't now thank goodness) who was a nightmare. She used to buy me chocolate at work when she knew I was calorie counting. When I stopped giving in and said no thank you or put it in my drawer she came up with another ploy. She started buying me sticks of ice cream which I couldn't put anywhere cos there was no freezer at work. I didn't deal with that situation very well and never properly confronted her about it which I should have done.

On the otherhand I seem to deal much better with those people who make nasty comments about e.g. my willpower. It just spurs me on to "show" them. My father has made the very odd comment and one time after I'd lost 25ish lbs and was quite slim he tried to claim the credit (knowing me as well as he does) because he was sure I'd "show" him. I just told him that I had no recollection of the comments whatsoever and that if he had said anything it was unacceptably rude. He's never passed comment on a weightloss attempt of mine again.

willmakeit
02-12-2007, 03:45 PM
My Pil have said things to me which made me angry and feel like walking out on them...
DH has diabetes and to encourage him to not eat anything sweet, I dont eat sweets either. Mind you, I have a real sweet tooth...so all 4 of us were in this resturant and I told DH to not eat desert and I wont eat it for him. FIL heard me and said to me "u should avoid sweets not for him but for your weight!"
WTH????? WAS THAT?

I didnt say a word after that and was even more disppointed because I expected DH to stand up for me and he didnt even though he appologized to me on behalf of his parents!!!

Now PIL stay with us and MIL is obsessed with cooking (wakes up at 5 AM to prepare for lunch/dinner) Now, I ,ike cooking too but I have other things like work, studies etc...and honestly, i cannot wake up to compete with her! Also all she cooks is carb-loaded and I hate it when she takes charge every single day and she is the one who will decide what to cook.

So once, they were out and I made this delicacy at home, all by myself (it was my fav. recipe, may be a lil heavy but turned out really good)... and I was excited to serve everyone at dinner. PIL (yes, both) commented how high it muct be in cholesterol etc. etc... Again, I was so angry because I made it for a special occasion...I wanted to say how high calorie their everyday food is and they should not critisize if they cannot say anything good....

And when I started running (since 6 months now and I try to do it every single day for atleast one mile which is a big deal for me)...they will say how their other DIL can run 6 miles at a stretch and what good shape she is in because she has been running since childhood!!! Mind you, she runs only once in like 6 months and yes, she can run 6 miles but I think that was very rude of them to compare me to her!

All remarks are like subconsciously pointed at me(or is it just me who feels that way!)...No matter how hard I try to ignore these comments..I always feel hurt!

Miss Honey
02-12-2007, 03:56 PM
MIL does that with my SILs as well. She talk about how they both lost their pregrancy weight right after and how great they look. It really pisses me off because she is very encouraging towards her own daugthers but me, she just doesn't believe I can do it.

shelby897
02-12-2007, 05:22 PM
Willmakeit -- Okay, you've put up with enough!! It's time for your husband to stick up for you. They are living in your house? Then they should be overly respectful to you for putting up with them. Even the best MIL and FIL should be trying to stay out of your way!! Is she trying to help by cooking, etc. or just trying to take over? Good luck, it seems nothing will please them. But, I hate to say it, my in-laws were good about talking behind everyones back -- at least yours are saying it to your face -- which means you are more than welcome to snap back at them in defense!! But, why should you have to? Time for DH to step up to the plate and defend you!! Good luck.

willmakeit
02-12-2007, 07:47 PM
Thanks Shelby897...I agree with you...its enough that I put up with their living with us...why should I put up with the rest of the nonsense. They live with us 6 months of the year and I wish there was a better arrangement than this. Furthermore, our house is small (2 bedrooms condo only), so you can imagine.

They are helpful but afterall, living with inlaws does get stressful, no matter what! With all this stress, I hardly feel like like going home, I juust stay in the library after work and study till late night...I have also stopped eating lunches/dinner at home...I know I am going to backanswer if they say anything this time and I do not care if I appear rude or anything! I need my respect if they need theirs!

shelby897
02-12-2007, 07:58 PM
Way to go -- a few good remarks back and they'll figure out to zip their lips!! It's your house, why should you feel uncomfortable in it? Your husband should kiss your butt for living with his parents for six months a year -- and all the money you save them -- they should be buying you gifts, not getting on your nerves!! A 2-bedroom condo should be a hint "there's no extra room here" :D . But, I'm assuming the six months they aren't with you, they are far away -- which may be a good trade off :dizzy:

Have a great day and buy some good ear plugs!!