General chatter - Any advice?

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02-11-2007, 02:47 PM
...for someone who has been cheated upon by so for a prettier/skinnier woman? It happened more than 3 years ago and I am still having issues forgetting it...I still have low self confidence and a very poor self esteem! I still cry sometimes remembering it!!!(yes, today is one of those days) :(

Any advice or suggestions to make myself feel better? or improve my level of confidence!?

02-11-2007, 03:57 PM
All I can say having had really low self esteem is that you have to find your self worth from within, not from others. I know my husband loves me but he never says it and I don't think he has once said I pretty. Having low self esteem things like this bug me but he doesn't know it. I am gradually getting better as I do more to take care of myself. Doing things for me that make me feel good. I am usually selfless and never think of myself first but in order to get better I feel I have to. It doesn't happen overnight, thats for sure.

02-11-2007, 04:39 PM
I've often wondered if it's ever possible to rebuild trust completely after being cheated on. I'd recommend couples or individual counseling, or at the very least books and articles about how to mend. If this is still bothering you three years later, it's best to nip it in the bud now. You shouldn't have to suffer any longer.

*hugs* I'm sorry you're having a bad day. You *will* make it. :)

02-11-2007, 04:57 PM
Wilma you were cheated on because the man in your life is a liar and a cheat, not because of he met a prettier/skinnier woman.Been in your shoes.

02-11-2007, 05:24 PM
Amazing how he did something wrong, but you are the one who appears to be suffering from his poor choice!

You need to get help for you -- counseling, someone to talk to, whatever works. I assume when you are feeling low, you "reminisce" this into your thoughts. I know when I'm depressed I tend to collect all the poor choices my spouse has made that affected me into my head to help "fuel my fire" against myself.

In order to move on -- you really need to work this out. This is either something you can live with, work through, etc. or a reason to be single. It was not your fault and you really need to stop taking the blame.

02-11-2007, 07:45 PM
I hate to admit that I actually have some male friends (most of my friends are male) that do/have cheated on their wives/s.o.'s. It's never because they don't find their wife/s.o. attractive or that she's put on weight.

90% of the time it's because they aren't getting the sex they want at home, and feel like less of a man because of it. Men need to feel like men, and not having that intimacy on a regular basis can really screw with their minds. (Please note I am not at all condoning this behavior, I am just trying to be brutally honest.)

The other 10% I'd say are just ho's who want it 24/7 and will never be happy with 1 woman, no matter how hot she is. For instance, look at the famous Hugh Grant case from years ago. He was dating Elizabeth Hurley. You can't get skinnier or prettier than that. Assuming she was satisfying him in the bedroom, he STILL went out to get more. Crazy.

Anyway, I don't know if that helps. I'm sure your man is still very much attracted to you - perhaps you would be better off getting some counseling or just having some intimate talks with him to find out what it was he felt he was lacking. It may hurt to hear at first, but if you want to get over it, you may need to face the truth head-on. Hopefully then you can heal and be happy with yourself again.

02-11-2007, 09:53 PM
I wouldn't call a person who cheats with another gal's guy "prettier". Pretty is only skin deep. And that sounds rather ugly IMO. Aside from that, use it to your advantage. You're losing weight, probably for many reasons. But if the thought of prancing out a slimmer you in front of this hussy gives you a boost, go for it. :D

02-12-2007, 02:46 PM
He cheated and YOU feel bad? Amazing isn't it?

If you are still feeling hurt 3 years later, there are some trust issues you need to address. If you don't want to discuss this with the one who cheated, discuss it with a close (closed-mouth) friend or someone professional. Holding it in, crying and feeling bad about yourself won't help you get over it.

YOU did nothing wrong.

02-12-2007, 05:24 PM
Your looks have nothing to do with the reason you were cheated on - Christy Brinkley & many other super-model types have been cheated on!

The guy who cheated on you was just a jerk - and you're better off without him anyway!

Seriously, whatever the issues were that caused him to cheat, I very much doubt that your weight or looks had much to do with it. Good possibility that you didn't do a thing wrong, and thats just the kind of person he was.

02-12-2007, 10:56 PM
He is a cockroach. Forget about him. He is not worthy of one more second of your time, your mind, your heart, yourself. He is an EX and should be X'd out of your life. Now brush the scum off your hands and pity the poor ***** who is stuck with him now.

BTW...his current girlfriend is obsessing over the fact that his ex is prettier and skinnier than she is. That would be YOU dear.

Now, to feel better about yourself: go to the gym and start lifting weights. You will be amazed at how good it will make you feel. You will feel strong and you will look lean and your posture will improve. Confidence comes with performance and the knowledge that you've done something that you couldn't do earlier. Lifting weights is one route to get there and it's a good one.

Plus you will notice the guys in the weight room checking you out...a big confidence boost! LOL.

02-12-2007, 11:33 PM
Now I'm confused. I thought we were talking about a current relationship. It was an ex?

02-12-2007, 11:44 PM
Me too -- I guess I just assumed it was a present relationship. Willmakeit -- can you help us out please :)

If it was a past, then it's time to move on and trust the next person. You cannot assume everyone will do the same thing, or you will miss out on some amazing, wonderful people and possibly the "one" for you.

02-13-2007, 12:44 AM
Oops...I thought Willmakeit was dealing with demons from her past relationship.

But now I can see that the post could refer to a present relationship. If that is the case, I don't have much advice. My experience with The Cheater was that I forgave him and he did it again.

I can add that it doesn't have much to do with the other woman possibly being prettier or thinner than you, W. It usually boils down to the fact that she was different and that she was available. It doesn't have to do with your looks; it has to do with his weakness.

I had the same issues as you, Willmakeit, and things will get better, I promise you. Be kind to yourself. Everytime you have one of these self-defeating thoughts, look at the favorite parts of your body and see how beautiful you are. Pat yourself on the back for your ability to lose weight...instead of packing it on...during this stressful time!

Remember that you're the one who is strong, and you're the one who is a goddess. And send those weepy, crybaby, insecure thoughts to h***.

02-13-2007, 12:49 AM
Been there. It sucks. Mine wasn't cheating but just flat out using me (one of those, good enough to sleep with but not good enough to let our friends know we're together kinda things)... basically to make a long painful story short: I was left feeling there was something fundamentally unlovable about me.

What it comes down to is realizing that there are going to be people who use you, cheat on you, and it sucks and you can't change them. You have to find a way to change your views of yourself - you are someone who is deserving of a GOOD partner, someone who respects and loves you - and that person would not care what you look like or weigh anyway.

I needed counseling and honestly some days I still feel like that guy wrecked me... and I cried over him for years and it did me no good. Everyone has their own way of getting over things... the main thing I want to say I guess is that it will happen for you.. but it's not a switch you turn off it just gradually happens over time. Good luck.. it's hard but it's so much better on the other side.

02-13-2007, 11:49 AM
I think *willmakeit* is speaking of her current relationship....? not sure?

I was wrecked (it was like a homicide---he dumped me, I didn't have a clue and married someone else) about 4 years took extensive work to get over it....he didn't deserve it but I forgave I could move on with my life.....and I did and feel more confident and attractive than before.

The real kicker is that we remain *friends* as we were before our relationship......we've known eachother for decades, school and work together.