Weight Loss Support - Non-Weight Losses (anyone else?) *long*

01-26-2007, 01:50 PM
I've been sort of thinking on this very deeply the past couple of days. I'm wondering if anyone else there has similar experiences, or if these are my own particular weirdnesses. I don't want to say that these things are BAD, exactly, although they are having some negative ramifications for me personally.

So, I've lost a bunch of weight. That can be measured in pounds, inches, clothing sizes, and all of those other things which have been going steadily down. This isn't so much what I'm talking about.

I've also lost the ability to be invisible. Not only am I getting more attention from people who know me ("Oh my God! You're so SKINNY!", and "You've lost SOO much weight" and "how did you do this/how much have you lost/etc" are sort of a constant refrain at this point), but also from random people who don't. Mostly men...and salespeople, funnily enough, in clothing stores where I used to get completely ignored. Suddenly I go out in public and get attention and it is weird for me to no longer be invisible.

I've also lost the ability to be seen as "not a threat". I guess I need to explain that bit a little more. My mom and sister have always been smaller than me. My partner has always been smaller than me. I never knew that I was competing with these people, but if I was, I was losing BADLY when I was a size 22. But I never REALIZED that this was a competition. Now, though, the competitiveness that these people feel toward me is becoming apparent. People are really uncomfortable that I might be smaller than them now...to the point where I can't complain to anyone around me about those days where I "feel fat" or about how I want a freaking ice cream bar and am fighting that temptation...I get a lot of "I don't have any sympathy for you" and "whatever, eat the damned ice cream, its not a big deal" when I try, so I've stopped trying. I also can't tell any of those people things I'm proud of - if I lose a pound, I keep it to myself because it seems to upset people so much to hear about it. So I've lost the ability to be non-threatening to my loved ones, which is also very weird for me.

I don't want to say that these losses make the loss of weight not worth it...obviously, the weight loss is still worth it, even though I've lost these other things as well. But I was wondering if anyone else has had some of these more negative consequences of losing weight, or if I'm all alone in this? I have to admit that the issues I'm having with losing weight (the uncomfortableness with the attention and the competitiveness and lack of support) are NOT the problems I anticipated having...sticking to my eating/exercise plan is now relatively easy for me, but dealing with the emotional fallout is getting to be really hard.

Apologize for the length...thoughts?

01-26-2007, 02:25 PM
Hi Mandalinna,

I'm sorry your going through a hard time right now. In some ways I can totally relate to what you are saying and in others I can't. I too am close to my goal and have noticed a lot more attention now that I look "good" again. Sometimes that attention drives me nuts and I just want to hide away. Most of the time it's really a good feeling.

I have days (sometimes many in a row) where I can't get it through my head that I've actually lost all this weight. I have days where I feel huge and even looking at the numbers in black and white doesn't help me see the real changes I've made. I've not had the same "competative threat" feelings you've had but I do have the same problem with not being able to complain or ask for help when I'm feeling weak (your icecream bar example is a good one). I don't feel like I can talk to my mom because she's not doing well in her weightloss journey right now and I don't want her to feel bad about herself of feel like I'm competing with her. I don't feel like I can talk to my best girlfriend about it either because again I don't want her thinking I'm making it into some sort of competition (we both started different plans on the same day). My husband is very supportive but he doesn't really "get it". So I have 3FC's to come to and read. I don't post very often because I don't usually feel like I have much to contribute but I do gain a lot of insight and motivation from all the amazing men and women here.

I've read your posts on here before and you are a great inpiration for me and others on this journey. I hope you can continue forward with good thoughts about yourself and all that you've accomplished so far. You've worked very hard and are a true inspiration to so many people you will never even know about. We are all here for you even though we might not always know the right thing to say.

All the best to you, Beth

01-26-2007, 02:26 PM
Not too long at all. I've also had people I care about getting strangely competitive - especially my mother, which confuses me to no end. In fact, she even flat out denied it when I called her on a comment she made. It is strange. As a college student, I'm getting honked at on the street and approached by men, which is flattering but frankly scary when I'm trying to walk back to my apartment alone at night. I don't know about you, but I was never all that unhappy with myself being bigger - given an easy choice, I would have chosen to be small, but I always had good self esteem, etc, which is why it was so strange for me when people started to feel like it was ok to slam the person I had been. My grandfather telling me how great it was to see me "getting back my figure," for instance. Anyway. The point is, I understand.

01-26-2007, 02:43 PM
Hi Mandalinn,
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don't really. I just wanted to let you know that I hear what you are saying and I understand. It is interesting to plug along though the world, decide to make a change, and then to have that decision be an open season for all the people around us. When people tell me, "Are you losing weight? You look good," it bothers me a lot, because I am not sure if they are implying I did not look good before.

I remember being in high school and hearing that some people had been gossiping about me. I was shocked because I never thought that I was interesting enough to gossip about. Still today when someone says, "Oh, we were talking about how you..." whatever, I am stunned. I never see anything I do as particularly note-worthy...I just assume people ignore me most of the time and I am in my little world, do what I do and that is it. To think that my personal actions influence another's world or life is surprising. Your weight loss has been a catalyst to other people's behaviors...Perhaps you are surprised that you might have that sort of influence? I usually am surprised.

Your path has changed a bit (just a bit, you are still you), and others need to adjust theirs as well.

01-26-2007, 02:54 PM
I can relate so well. I came up against issues I didn't expect. I'm at maintenance right now, and I'm at a weight that is smack dab in the middle of the healthy range for my height. I'd say I got this mostly from my mother and my aunts. My mother did an awful lot of "horrified" glaring and looking me up and down and interrogating me about my eating habits. My aunts thought I was "doing something" and I got the anorexia accusation. It was very hurtful. I didn't get ANY comments like that from men at all.
I kept quiet about my efforts the whole time. I don't want attention and I don't want to talk about it with anybody. I just wanted to DO IT. Too much emotional baggage attached for me to share anything with anybody, in MY experience. So I've been at my goal for at least a year now and nobody haunts me anymore about it, but I'll tell you, I still haven't recovered from all that trauma. I'm still horrifically self conscious around these people. It's awful. I always feel like my mother is glaring at me, even though interestingly after I lost weight she joined a commercial w.l. program and lost a lot of weight, too. I wish I could talk to her about it, but I've just kept quiet about it. It's a shame that you try to deal with old issues, only to have new and almost as difficult issues pop up.

01-26-2007, 02:58 PM
I feel this from my mom. Of all people she was ALWAYS the one to encourage me to lose weight, get healthy. I use to run religiously in high school and as a young adult. Then, I just drifted away, the further I drifted from the running and working out, the higher the scale went. All the women in my family are fairly tall and thin. I was always the kid who carried an extra 10 pounds, my parents constantly had me on a diet, as if my extra 10 pounds as a child of 8, a helthy, active child, was a threat to them.

My highest weight, was 286 pounds. Looking back at pictures, I'm astounded I could even MOVE, never mind live. My mom always seemed to visit more, call, whatever. Of course, a visit or call was never complete without a run-down on WHY I should lose weight and how happy I would be as a thin person, which made no sense, because I've overall, always been a happy person, good self-esteem etc. Now that I am losing weight, and admittadly, as my mother is getting older and putting on some weight as well, things are just different. She was here for thanksgiving and amazed and astounded that she and I wear the same size jeans. A size 18, it's not like I'm a size 2, but she left crying. She still sees me as this hugely fat person, and I am still "fat", but no where near like I was. I think it made her reevaluate what she actually SEES now when she looks at me, as opposed to the image she saw when she looked at me, if that makes sense? So, now it's like she needs to tell me about every new diet she's on, every new excersize she's taking up etc. I keep telling her, "If they were that great, why do you need to try so MANY of them". I hate feeling like my mom is competeing with me, or that I'm a "threat" to her.

01-26-2007, 03:15 PM
I've never been as heavy as you so any weight loss success I have had is not as dramatic. I have had issues with a particular friend trying to feed me and buying me bad stuff because she can't bear that I might get thinner than her.

The thing is this - that's her problem not mine. I do not have enough energy to pander to her insecurities about her weight by changing what i'm doing about mine. I love her - I just love me more. My boyfriend is fantastic and supportive and I know I'm very lucky to have him.

I read another post of yours today in the wedding thread I was very saddened to see that your partner basically said that you'd better not be smaller than her on your wedding day. I would just remember that it's you that has to live in your body. Anybody who makes you feel bad about about your success should be challenged about why. I really wouldn't put up with it if I were you because it's obviously affecting how you feel. :hug:

Beach Patrol
01-26-2007, 03:21 PM
I can relate. I've lost/gained weight SEVERAL times in my adult life, and I really want THIS TIME to be IT. No more yo-yo drama, please! - the thing is, when I'm on the "hefty" end of the scale, no one really says much. If I mention ANYTHING about trying to lose weight, I get all kinds of sympathetic verbality .... "You don't need to lose weight! You look just fine!" and stuff like that.

But when I'm on the "lower end" of the scale, I get comments such as "Oh, you've lost weight! You look great!" which makes me think they were just lying to save my feelings when I was chubbolicious.

My favorite aunt used to always comment "I wish I was a thin as you" - she was VERY THIN in her younger years, but, like me, had the fight w/fat since getting older, etc. Another one of my aunts is now nearing 300 pounds, and her comments indicate she has NO INTENTION of even trying to lose the weight. I have learned to not make ANY WEIGHT comments around her, because she always says "Well, what if you were as fat as me?" as if my fatness is no fat at all & shouldn't bother me.

I think most people mean well - they don't INTEND to be competitive or whatever, but as hard as it is for us to change & maintain, I think it's hard for them to accept our changes as well. Maybe they are a little jealous. Or maybe they just have to get used to seeing "the new you". After all, we have to get used to see "the new me" as well! - I am "fat" when I'm tipping 170+.... I am comfortable and happy at 135 or so... yet still, I see me in the mirror... and I still see fat.

Does that make any sense?

01-26-2007, 03:27 PM
To defend my partner - we've had this talk. She totally admits she is being "completely irrational and idiotic" - but sometimes, you just can't help jealous emotions, so I totally get it. She is just having a hard time with some poorly reasoned, but very real, emotions. She tries to keep it under control, and recognizes that it is totally unfair to me. She compares the level of rationality of her thinking to being mad at someone for something they did to you in a dream - you know you don't really have any reason to be mad at them, but you still ARE, at least for a little while.

Its nice to hear commiseration from other people...because I feel like our society, and even this board to a lesser extent, doesn't really talk about the negatives of having lost weight. We'll talk about how it is hard to LOSE weight, but everyone assumes that if you're succeeding at losing weight, everything is getting better and you are thrilled and don't understand when sometimes there are some negative emotions going on.

Did you know that, among "happy life events", losing lots of weight is one of the 4 major happy life events that can regularly lead to depression?

01-26-2007, 03:37 PM
Hi Mandalinn!

Here's a BIG HUG for you, sweetie!:hug:

I'm sorry that you are not feeling the support that you SHOULD be feeling from your family and ESPECIALLY from your partner!:(

Weight loss is a tough thing all the way around! Our BODIES change when we lose the weight, but our perception of ourself also changes. We live in our body 24/7, and most of the time we STILL feel like we are a stranger to ourself after we physically lose so much of our body to weight loss! I think that many people, particularly women, sad to say, have a hard time dealing with the changes WE have made because those changes force them to look more critically at THEIR bodies!

You look awesome, and you are a great person! Don't LET anyone or anything drag you down! Here's another hug!:hug:


01-26-2007, 03:49 PM
I'm so sorry you're going through this! I know what you're feeling, and I wish I could help. I've had the same thing from both my mom and MIL. Mom is basically in denial now because unbeknownst to me I had been the scale she judged herself against, and now I am a tad bit smaller than her. My MIL won't even speak to me, and it's all based on jealousy. I'm hoping these things level out and return to some sort of normalcy, but I don't expect it to happen anytime soon.

As far as the newly acquired attention, I too am trying to learn to deal with it. A co-worker of DH's grabbed my backside then proceded to rub up against me suggestively last week when I stopped at dh's work. I made a comment about being able to take him down myself, as well has letting dh have a go at him (jokingly) and he seemed to get the hint. Next time I won't be so suttle (sp????) about it.

All I can say is hang in there! You are doing fabulous, and this is something you have to do for you and you alone.

01-26-2007, 03:50 PM
very interesting....
You know, the losing part was really the easy part. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it really is difficult to have to live with constant pressure and fighting against gaining the weight back. It's not always fun or happy or whatever to have lost weight. Of course I would NEVER want to go back to being heavier. But, it's true that there are new issues to deal with. It can be a bit of a let down to find that everything isn't all of a sudden perfect, or that you still have body image issues, or that relationship dynamics change. I'm not saying this to discourage anybody-it's just good to know this and be prepared for it. I think this could be one of the reasons people put weight back on. Maybe it's subconscious, but it could be that the new pressures are too much to handle, but people don't know what the problem really is. I agree that there needs to be a realistic view of all of this. It's such a complicated situation. Again, all my efforts have been WELL worth it.
It's interesting, though-I think I've become a more serious person after losing weight. Could it be that I'm facing my negative feelings instead of reaching for something to eat instead (which I still do sometimes, just not as often and a much smaller quantity)???

01-26-2007, 03:59 PM
I agree with everyone (because you are all so smart here!!). This is my second attempt at weight loss, I had lost quite a bit when I was younger. I think we alll feel like we have a "place" in life, the funny person, the overweight friend, etc. When we lose weight we all shift places -- mom's cheerleading isn't needed anymore, our friends are now our "equals". My mother has a very difficult time when I lose weight, because she is 65 and has never been able to. The jealously can be overwhelming. And I think my guilt about it was part of the reason I gained it back. I also feel personally that the self esteem issues after all the years of being overweight are so difficult to overcome. When we are overweight we can blend in which suits me fine, but when I'm thin I have to socialize and try to fit in - which is not my best suit! I just think because we have changed for the better, doesn't mean everyone around us is ready to adjust as well. For us it's a long, challenging journey. Everyone around us is just along for the ride -- they have some adjustments to make too which take time. I'm sure everyone is incredibly happy for you -- but everyone has insecurities of their own that will take time to work on as well!!

01-26-2007, 04:20 PM
Okay...to all you beautiful young women...if I may offer a little perspective....

Please cut your mothers some slack. It may not be competitiveness or jealousy that is entirely motivating the comments or reactions. It may be nostalgia and regret and yearning to be the young women they once were. It may be resignation because they're not turning heads the way you are.

You young women are like works of art and you don't realize how beautiful you are. Your mothers do. Perhaps their comments, misguided as they are, are a way to connect with you and their own "younger" selves. Sure, there may be jealousy there, but there is pride too that their daughters are such jewels. Your mothers (and aunts) may not admit it, but they are inspired by you!

As for the attention you are receiving for your weight loss, embrace it and be thankful. That's what being attractive is all about: you "attract" people. It is your time to shine, dear hearts. Work it!

01-26-2007, 04:26 PM
Apologies to Kelly as I did not see her post...sexual harassment is not the kind of the attention I am talking about in my previous post! Good for you in handling that moron so well.

01-26-2007, 04:37 PM
Its really common

I know there is a part of me that resists weightloss because the last time I was thinnish a close friend/coworker hit on me and showered me with attention and even though I said I wasnt interested in him at all, ended up telling his wife he was in love with me. They got a divorce and I was "the other woman" and I didnt know how that happened.

And I have had friends tell me I dont need to lose I look great and at the same time I have been irritated with skinny friends who call themselves fat. (I can take "I'm not where I want to be, or where I feel good, but I HATE HATE HATE when thin people call themselves FAT. I FEEL fat is ok, I AM fat bugs me because if they think THEY are fat what must they think of me) but I digress.

So I guess I am saying I've been on both sides of it. I've always been hyper aware about talking about my weight with anyone heavier than me so they didnt feel bad about their weight.

But I am also at the point where I am getting over it. I was at dinner the other night with a friend and we got into some deep discussion which led around to some unresolved anger I had at my dad which had manifested in anger with some obese friends with children. (Very long story relating to feeling cheated as a child because my dad's weight ran our lives) The fact that I could talk about it with her and how it affects my desires to be healthy and thin was a huge step because she is very heavy. She blinked for just a second and then really listened and totally understood and it was a good conversation. But I think she was surprised for just a second that I would talk about it with her.

I guess I am saying. Dont apologize and dont please. You deserve to be proud and you deserve to complain because it isnt easy. As long as you arent making the comparison between yourself and them, then if they do ...that is THEIR issue, not yours.

01-26-2007, 04:49 PM
Alright, so maybe others are insensitive and don't realize what their comments do to us, and maybe they do know and just don't care. I do have a little tidbit that I'd like to share, as I'm sure it will brighten your day just as it did mine!!

I have an overweight friend. She and I have been the same size since high school, ups and downs included. I love her to death, she's my bff! She has not been losing weight, but has been oh so supportive of me. I was at her house for her dd's 4th bday a couple weekends ago. Her dd (we'll call her Delaney) is a gem, a real sweetheart. Delaney's grandma picked her up to hold her for a minute and said to Delaney "Grandma's almost too fat to hold you!" Delaney shook her little head and said, "We don't say fat, grandma, that's a bad word. We say my you're looking pretty today!!" Just wanted to share!

01-26-2007, 04:51 PM
I can TOTALLY relate. When I was at my lowest weight, I faced ALL of this. I REALLY HATED the reactions from the female relatives in my life (mom, MIL, sisters, SIL, etc). It was not at all my imagination. They were negative, competitive, and, even when I was not near a reasonable weight goal for my height (as in still overweight) they made 'anorexia', 'you shouldn't lose more' type comments. And none of them are overweight! Crazy, huh? That was the worst and I dread facing it again. Interesting, though, that most of my female friends at the gym where I work out who are all super-fit were VERY supportive and happy for me.

On the other hand, I LOVED the lack of invisibility to salespeople (most of the time). It angers me that I don't get such great service when I'm overweight! It's almost comical how much nicer, more attentive, and more talkative ALL salespeople are to me when I am not overweight. It was great to get the help I needed when I needed it. That I didn't mind.

In all other areas, I prefer invisibility. I do not want to be noticed by men (I'm happily married for 12+ years and could not care less). I do not want EVER to hear Wow! You look great! ... I hate this kind of attention. I just don't want to be noticed at all and I LIKE to blend in. I think there is a truly 'invisible' weight that is somewhere in the 'plump' arena. Obese people get looked at and skinny people get looked at (totally different looks, but still...). Slightly plump middle-aged women are invisible. It's just true.

01-26-2007, 05:03 PM
...I do not want EVER to hear Wow! You look great! ... I hate this kind of attention. I just don't want to be noticed at all and I LIKE to blend in...

I can totally understand this Lindy!

My DH and I have a neighborhood coffee shop we'd go to nearly daily. Once I started losing enough that you could tell one of the coffee shop managers started yelling out how great I looked and how much weight I'd lost every darned time we go in. Everyone would look at me, they'd look up and down to see what my body looked like. It was mortifying! I finally stopped going to that coffee shop because he ruined a relaxing fun place for me. Uggggh, some people's kids! :mad:


01-26-2007, 06:30 PM
I do have to say the most annoying comments I do get is from a friend who is fairly weight obsessed, very very thin and she always seems to be discouraging others from dieting.

01-26-2007, 06:43 PM
I am -so- glad that I'm not the only one experiencing this. I guess I just needed to vent a little, because I am getting frustrated dealing with all of the "weight loss fallout".

So many great responses that I can't get back to individually at the moment, but I will...its just great to know that other people understand this side of things.

01-26-2007, 06:56 PM
Mandalinn, I understand completely :rolleyes: ... I'm rolling my eyes because people look at me and think I don't have to work hard to be in the size I am..."It's easy for you, you've always been small" NOT :no: "You probably don't need to watch what you eat" YES :yes: I do more than ever... I had someone ask me if I had been sick "Are you sure?!" when I said I was healthier than ever, I am by no means small enough to be anorexic ... Even my mom last week wne I said that my size Medium coat was on the tighish side, said not to lose more because I will be "only skin and bones" :faint:...

I guess what we have to realise is that we do this for us and US only and we'll never be able to please everyone all the time...

01-26-2007, 07:00 PM
Hi, I am glad you vented because I feel the same way sometimes. At my heaviest (187) people would say (mostly my family) "well, I am not as heavy are you!" and then as I started losing weight, I felt snubbed for getting smaller. Most of the time, I can let it roll off my back but other times it sets me back emotionally. It's is good to know that we are not alone. I read this forum more than I post. I get a lot of strength from all of you.


01-26-2007, 07:22 PM
Alright, so maybe others are insensitive and don't realize what their comments do to us, and maybe they do know and just don't care. I do have a little tidbit that I'd like to share, as I'm sure it will brighten your day just as it did mine!!

I have an overweight friend. She and I have been the same size since high school, ups and downs included. I love her to death, she's my bff! She has not been losing weight, but has been oh so supportive of me. I was at her house for her dd's 4th bday a couple weekends ago. Her dd (we'll call her Delaney) is a gem, a real sweetheart. Delaney's grandma picked her up to hold her for a minute and said to Delaney "Grandma's almost too fat to hold you!" Delaney shook her little head and said, "We don't say fat, grandma, that's a bad word. We say my you're looking pretty today!!" Just wanted to share!
I love little kids, they are such a riot!:D

I have actually been on the jealous end..........I started my weight loss journey last June and I have lost 19 lbs. My husband on the other hand has lost about 40 lbs in less amount of time and with little effort. I'm so jealous!!!:p
I haven't had any other negative feelings about my loss, I have pretty tough skin so it all rolls anyway or it's not worth my time worrying about...........lifes too short to worry about what other people think of me.

01-26-2007, 08:16 PM
Kelly, that made my whole day - I want kids who are that cool one day!

01-26-2007, 08:49 PM
Hmm. It sounds kind of like the identity crisis I went through. I knew who I was, but everyone else's perception of me changed. And you are right about the competitveness. I had no idea! I couldn't believe the reaction so my close guy friend's girlfriends. People never cease to surprise me. I totally relate tot he "not a threat thing".

I think it's really good that you are realizing the emotional fallout. No one prepared me for that. I'm surprised there isn't a bigger stink made about it, quite frankly.

Here's what I found:

*we are competitive by nature. Most of the people around me got over it, or I just stopped caring.

*The sometimes unwelcome comments stopped and things calmed down a lot emotionally when this happened. It has switched to amazement at the change to disbelief that I ever weighed that much by people who didn't know me before.

*The behavior from men shocked me. I get a lot more compliments, whistles, whatever now, but the really offensive stuff stopped! It was as though before I wasn't deserving of respect, or something. THAT pi$$ed me off the most. And it will stick with me forever.

Mandalinn, your posts reveal that you are an intelligent and funny woman (and beautiful by your picture) and you will realize that will never change. If anything, it will only get better! It will take some time, but as you get more comfortable in your skin, others will as well. :) Human nature is something else, though, isn't it?

01-27-2007, 03:28 PM

I know exactly what you mean about the invisibility thing. I have worked at the same place for years, and people who have never said hello when they passed me in the halls are stopping me to have conversations now that I am thinner. It's encouraging and sad at the same time.

I was trying to explain the invisibility thing to my counselor, who has been thin all her life. She jumped to the same conclusion that most people do: "Don't you think it might be because you have more self-confidence and are more outgoing now that you are thinner?" I looked her straight in the eye and asked her, "You've known me since I was overweight. Did I strike you as being introverted or lacking in self-confidence?" She laughed and said, "No, you certainly didn't!" Anyway, now that she knows this phenomenon exists, she finds it incredibly interesting from a mental-health-professional point of view. I wonder if/when they'll come up with a name for it?

Unfortunately, I am not thin enough yet to be getting much attention from men, which is kind of a bummer since I am single and I don't want to be single forever ;)

As far as competition, I don't have any close friends or family, but one lady that I see at least once a week who always used to make encouraging comments about my weight loss has stopped doing it now that I am smaller than she is. It makes me kind of sad because I like her and I was hoping that we could become friends.

Congratulations on your weight loss and good luck with all the challenges that come with it. :hug:

01-27-2007, 06:15 PM
Mandalinn, I really feel for you and are sorry you are going through this. We all have experiences like this, unfortunately yours are really, really close to home. I am glad to say that I have not experienced anything quite like that - yet, and I don't anticipate that I will.

As far as outside of the home, I have 2 friends who have been more then a bit odd to me. One is very overweight and she's practically ignoring me. The other, we used to be really good friends, not so much anymore. I have run into her at least 6 or 7 times recently and she is literally the ONLY person to not mention my weightloss. I still don't get it. I've even had sales people in stores that I don't even frequent that often mention it to me. But not her, even as other people stood arounds us (I saw her at a couple of parties in fact) and went on and on about my weightloss. Very odd to say the least. And oh yeah, boy oh boy have I had people being nicer and friendlier to me. Without a doubt.

Not to minimize what you are going through Mandalinn, because again, I'm not experiencing what you are - but I will take these sets of problems and any others that should arise in the future because of my weightloss any day of the week before I ever, ever want to go back to being 287 lbs.

01-27-2007, 07:01 PM
If you don't mind, not to hijack the thread, but I have a question for you guys - a good friend of mine who I met while I was at my highest weight and we were similar sizes, has been sort of strangely competitive, and disparaging about my weight loss at first - now she has started to lose herself. I guess I'm a little torn about how to deal with it - in terms of encouraging her, complimenting her, as I don't want it to seem like anything was wrong before, esp. as I know she is very prone to yo-yoing. I also REALLY don't want to encourage ANY competitiveness - and I'm not sure whether its better to say things or not!

01-27-2007, 10:38 PM
Maybe the two of you previously were comfort to each other, being in the same boat and once you started to really take care of yourself she felt abandoned? But, it sounds like you were the motivation she needed to jump on the band wagon -- I would treat her how you would have wanted her to treat you. Encourage her, but not compare the two. Help her out if she stalls, give her insight but try not to make it sound like she needs to catch up.

01-28-2007, 10:27 AM
improbable -- Maybe refer her to this site... This could be good or bad though depending on the competitiveness between the two of you. You may not want her to be part of your world here, it's a double edge sword... What to do, what to do??

01-28-2007, 12:00 PM
I've actually dealt with similar issues (more attention, less invisible, people feeling like they're in competition - including my mother). I just don't see it as "bad" myself. I LIKE that I get more attention. It's a constant reminder of the struggle and that I...SUCCEEDED. ;) If my mother is insecure and has problems dealing with it, that's her hangup. I've done nothing to make her feel this way, I simply wanted to get myself healthy and in better shape. And I hope she eventually follows suit, as well as my daughter. But if my mom has trouble with it, I don't let her bad feelings transfer to me. I'm proud of what I've accomplished...for myself. I don't mind the attention. Not only is it a reminder, but there are so many people who want to lose themselves and are always curious as to how to do it. I gladly share how I did it with them and hope that I helped in some small way. I always felt invisible and hated it. Now I don't feel as if I get ignored and passed over anymore.

So I guess it's just a matter of our own perceptions of it. We can feel good or bad about it even when we experience the same things.