So...I would like to explain my mother. As harsh as it sounds...I am not exaggerating, because there ARE people like this...
My mom acts like a teenager. She is two-faced, and will change her mind every split second to agree with you. She'll purposely say mean things because she really believes them, then to not be on your bad side will apologize. If you don't forgive her she'll tell you have an attitude and yell at you again. Then come back to apologize...over and over.
Well...but any means...you may believe it is my fault that she is like this...but she is a terrible person, and very materialistic. She scratched my dad all over his neck until he was bleeding because he told her the truth and said no to her not getting a new car. She will make our lives miserable if she doesn't get what she wants...car, ring, etc.
She will offer to do something for you then when it comes to doing it she will complain like you're asking her to do the impossible. She is so immature...I feel like the adult most of the time...and she used to get D's and F's in school all the time but if I get a B I need to work harder.
Well...in 9th grade she used to get abusive on me...she does verbal abuse mostly...and then some phsyical until my dad said that if she did it anymore he'd call the cops. She stoppped.
It's been a long time since she did it...I'm in 11th grade...
My sister lives at home with us...and she's 19...she has a baby which my mom takes care of...(my sister pays her to...and my mom can't keep a job...she never has...)...Well, the baby was screaming and wailing for a good hour or so and my mom was ignoring the baby. So I went out there to pick the baby up because the baby likes me...I went to take the baby to my room, but my mom started yelling at me, "I'M taking care of the baby! Mind your own business!"
I usually don't argue back...in fact, I can't stand her (I sincerely hate her), so I pretend like she's not alive...well...I always supress it, but I'm depressed, so I let it all out...We argued in each other's faces, screaming at the top of our lungs 3 inches from each other...and she starts smacking on me a little...Well, today she has said a lot of things...
"All you do is sit on the computer all day, eat, and do nothing around here! You're a good for nothing lazy fat *@&#("
Well...my mom is always on the computer...and my mom is 215 and shorter than me...so she isn't skinny, either. My mom won't get a job and my dad always cleans instead of her. She doesn't do anything except when she feels like it.
"You're almost 17 and you don't even have a liscene yet!"
Well...my dad doesn't want me driving. He wants me to wait. And my mom agrees with him.
She never gets my name right and always calls me by my sister's name...
And eventually, she said, "Well, I never wanted you anyways! You think I wanted you to be born!? NO!"
And my sister went in to talk to her. And my sister said, "You should never say that to your child."
"Well, she's a teenager now. She's old enough to hear the truth."
I cried for a long time on the phone to my boyfriend...-=sighs=- And my dad is going to yell at me later because if he doesn't he'll have to listen to my mom.
These things ARE verbal abuse aren't they? What should I do?
01-19-2007, 09:03 PM
Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear about this. It's way beyond normal behavior on your mom's part. I'm not a doctor or a counselor, but she does sound to me like she has a mental illness. She needs to see someone before she does anything really harmful. Perhaps if you think of her as someone who is ill, it will help you cope a little better.
Talk to a school counselor or teacher, if there are any that you trust. You need help to manage this.
She frankly is acting like someone far younger than a teenager. It's just inexcusable for someone to say hurtful things like that, and they probably aren't even true!
Does she use drugs or drink too much? Sometimes that can make behavior like that worse.
Please get some professional help. Your dad also needs to know that his wife's behavior isn't normal. It could be that she is crying out for help in the wrong way--even though she may insist that she is OK, she probably does need some help. I mean like counseling. Clinical psychologists, in my experience, can be very helpful counselors if she will agree to see someone.
Try to avoid getting into fights with your mom if at all possible--for your own safety and hers.
Gosh, good luck! This sounds really hard to deal with.
01-19-2007, 09:07 PM
I am also concerned that she is being left in charge of an infant when she sounds somewhat unstable.
01-19-2007, 09:09 PM
She's bipolar and my dad tried to get help for her, but apparently pills makes it worse. My dad isn't going to do anything. He says she won't change, so I should. Or that I'll just have to deal with it.
01-19-2007, 10:22 PM
Ah, well that explains it in part. But she could be getting worse. There are better medications available now, and they might help. Tell your dad not to give up on this. He may or may not do anything, but he must also feel pretty desperate. Bipolar disorder is not rare--lots of people have had trouble with it and found help, even though it is difficult.
I'm so sorry about this. I think you're right to make sure the baby gets taken care of if she doesn't seem to be doing it, but at the same time, you aren't in charge. What a tough place! Do consider finding someone you can talk to in your local community--a minister or someone at school or some kind of support group.
Don't forget to take care of yourself!
01-19-2007, 10:56 PM
People who suffer from bipolar disorder have an illness that must be treated for them to have any quality of life. There are some medications for this disorder that work extremely well. A good psychiatrist can correctly diagnose her and help her find the correct medication. Please talk with your Dad or another adult who can intervene and get your Mom the help she requires. There really is not reason for the whole family, and your Mom, to suffer needlessly. I speak from experience. My Mother-in-Law is bipolar and is living with us temporarily. The only family she has is my hubby and I, so we have had to become very educated about how to handle her disorder. Medication makes the difference between an calm peaceful household or absolute chaos.
01-19-2007, 11:16 PM
11th grade, huh? Keep making the grades, get a scholarship and get the heck out of dodge. I have been there. Sounds like the way I was raised and I promise you escape is possible. Life is sweet and fulfilling...once you get out of there. That is not a home. She is not a mother, not in the way that a real mother is. If your dad won't parent you properly and defend you from that abuse, I am sorry. Boy, your post hit a nerve. That was my life. WAS. Not any longer. I have built a better life, and you can too. One more year, baby. Then the world is at your feet.
01-19-2007, 11:18 PM
I believe you, my mother is a lot like that and has been getting progressively worse since I was about 12 (i'm 20 now). There are a few options for you. You are 17, right?
Your first option is seek legal intervention- it is called emancipation. Minors under the age of 18 and over 16 have this option when they are in an abusive relationship (verbal/physical). To become emancipated would mean that the state would then consider you the equivalent of an adult. To qualify you would need to have a job and a place you are considering moving to. The second and third option are basically to bare it out until you are 18- no one should have to, but sometimes that happens. Try not to fall into traps of false security (like her suddenly being nice) and avoid her as much as possible.
I chose the third option- I moved out illegally, not runaway my location was known to my parents and school, just barely at 17 with my girlfriend, I worked part time, and still went to school. Something isn't right with her mentally, and she refuses to see that she has a problem- it's always me.
I basically told my parents that they would let me live away from them or I would take the verbal abuse spattered with the physical abuse to court- and we'd see who they agreed with: An abusive mother or a Daughter just trying to make it. For you mental well being, don't say hate or despise. My favorite, and it gives me a piece of mind, Is I love my mother - I don't like her as a person.
If you ever need someone to to talk to go ahead and pm me or msg me on Aim: MaddMadameMymm - Remember One day at a Time!
01-20-2007, 12:53 AM
Agree with trying to get decent grades so you can move out after high school -- but for now one thing to kill two birds with one stone is leave the house and go do some outdoor exercise, then you won't be putting up with whatever going on at home & burning some calories.
01-20-2007, 01:19 AM
First off, tell your older sister what's been going on regarding your mother and the baby. Since you're 17, and I'm not sure if you're working, I would take on the job of babysitting for money (so that you'll have a few saved up in case of emergencies). Plus, from your post, I just don't feel like the baby is safe around your mother.
Secondly, like everyone else says, tell your father to take your mother right back to the doctor to get different medications till one works for her. Period.
Thirdly, do you have other relatives that you could stay with till you're of age to either go to college or do something else? Sure, it'll mean changing schools, etc, but peace of mind is a helluva lot better than being in torment for a year.
Fourth, if moving out is not an option at this time, (and you're not babysitting), I would seriously take up some activities that kept me out of the house and away from her for a few hours. One idea is the gym, walking outside, working, etc. She may not like it since she won't have someone to as her punching bag around, but tough.
Fifth, don't stress out over your lack of a license. I never got mine till I was 19 years of age, and that was by choice. I simply wasn't ready for it, and when I was, I really was. Besides, I have a friend who lives in Portland, Oregan who has never gotten a license, and she's 27 right now. She goes by her passport and social security card for identification purposes, and because she lives in a city, all she has to do is walk around or take the metro. I really like her approach, and would adopt it myself if it wasn't for the fact that the area I live in is so spread out with no metro nearby.
And finally, don't take what your mother says to you seriously. Don't get into physical confrontations with her, nor verbal arguments. She won't have any ammunitions if you don't engage. Let your father handle her, such as it is, and walk away. I hope this helps!
01-20-2007, 01:37 AM
Make a plan to get the heck out of there as soon as you can without jeapordizing your future. What I mean is STAY in school, GET good grades, MAKE a future plan to provide for yourself (i.e. DON'T have a baby, DON'T fall into debt...) so you don't have to rely on anyone. If this means joining the army at 18 to get some $$$, do it. If this means working two part-time jobs and going to school full-time, do it. Just make sure you can support yourself.
As for the near future, I don't think that there is much that you can do to change things at home. Perhaps distance yourself from interacting with your Mom as much as possible, and HANG ON until you get out of there!!!!
I did it -- so can you. WE ALL BELIEVE IN YOU!
01-20-2007, 01:53 AM
Hmmm. I grew up in a similar situation and my solution was to do exactly what freiamaya suggested. Got my diploma and got OUT. Don't get pregnant, don't do drugs--that's all self defeating. You're a gift of God to the world and you deserve to treat yourself like it!!!
01-20-2007, 02:35 AM
Yep, I agree with the others, bide you time as best you are able then get the heck out of dodge when you can do so legally. Aquawarlock gives particularily good advice (not that everyone else isn't either, this bit just struck me) but getting out of the house to walk is an excellent idea. If she complains about your doing it, you can just remind her that she told you were fat, and since you value her opinion so much, you're trying to do what she suggested.
You can't pick your parents. I think we humans are hard-wired to love them at some level no matter what, but we sure as taxes don't have to like them. I hate both of my parents. My situation wasn't nearly as bad as yours is, they were just very self centered, manipulative people, one of whom was into drugs. Both were in multiple marriages and divorces. But I was never physically abused, rarely verbally, just mostly ignored or manipulated. And I really, really don't like them for it.
Don't feel bad about the negative feelings you have towards her. They don't make you a bad daughter. You're human, and you're allowed to feel negatively when treated so. And things can get better. I have a pretty good life right now. Not into drugs, have been happily married for twenty years. Just do what you can to get through the days now, and plan for the better life you'll build when you're able to leave.
01-20-2007, 11:25 AM
Definitely, it is verbal abuse, and you don't need anyone's permission to think that and be severely disappointed with BOTH your parents. Your father has no business telling you that you need to change or just deal with it. She's at fault for acting that way and he's at fault for enabling her. Yes, she supposedly has a mental illness, and maybe she can't change that but she certainly can change the way she reacts to it.
Everyone is telling you the right thing - just be strong for now and when you can, get out AND NEVER LOOK BACK. Don't get sucked back into their world. It's natural to want a relatioship with your parents but this won't work for you.
Is there another family you're close to that you can spend time with? Someone at your church or a relative? It would help if you had some stable influences in your life.
Hang in there, kid. As you can see from the posts, you're not the only one to go through this. And whatever you're feeling - anger, frustration - you're entitled to those feelings.
01-20-2007, 11:54 AM
do you know if her doctors specified any condition? Scratching someone's neck until they bleed sounds like the womans a bit off par from normal (i'm trying not to offend you or your mother when I say "just a little") but really, I've seen mothers with certain conditions that do this...
01-20-2007, 12:49 PM
Well, it's not that bad that I have to move out or get the legal system into it...because she acts like it didn't happen the next day. But every time something like this happens it adds to the reasons why I hate her.
The worst thing is that I have terrible self-esteem...and I'm already depressed...so it doesn't help. I guess the only thing I can do right now is do well on my diet and in school.
I have good grades...I have a 3.6 and a weighted 3.9. I've never gotten a C on my report card except for once, in spanish, and I had twice as many A's as B's.
There will be a grocery store opening up later this year, so I'm planning on getting as many hours there as possible. And all my holiday and graduation money I'm going to save for moving out.
What I'm planning on doing is waiting for my boyfriend to figure out his college in TX, and then staying with his parents for a little. Once I get some resume's in and secure a job, (full-time), we want to get a cheap apartment and both work and pay for it. And I'm going to bust my *** to make sure it works and that we can do it, no matter how many jobs I need.
Because as far as I'm concerned, even though I love my dad a lot, I can't stand to be in the house with her.
So that is my plan...if anyone can tell me what I have to get ready for...because I consider I will need $1600-$1900 dollars a month to be okay...(I've been researching costs...) it would be nice if anyone could tell me what I need to expect.
01-20-2007, 01:47 PM
I agree with those who say hang in here.
Right now I would try babysitting or getting a part-time job for extra cash. Looking into scholarships and seeing what aid programs are available is another avenue to pursue.
However getting loans isn't the end of the world.
Besides, I have a friend who lives in Portland, Oregan who has never gotten a license, and she's 27 right now. She goes by her passport and social security card for identification purposes,
While passports are the golden ticket of ID, you can also get a state ID at the DMV. State IDs look the same as driver's licenses except that it clearly states that it is an ID.
In my state, Louisiana, they are only 15 bucks and are cheaper than a passport (not to mention easier to carry).
01-20-2007, 06:04 PM
With a 3.9, you could easily get a great college scholarship, with board... it would give you a few more years before you have to worry about rent, AND make it a million time easier when it is time. You can take out student loans for anything left over after scholarships, next year will be a great time to do it considering that Congress is planning to cut the student loan interest rate in half. Shoot high, darling! If you want help researching scholarships or student loans or schools, PM me, I'm happy to do some research for you.
01-21-2007, 06:24 AM
Look farther out when you plan. Right now you are so focused on getting out of that house, you've got a short-term outlook. When you plan, think about what you would do if there wasn't any boyfriend and you had to do it on your own.
Improbable is right that you could try for a scholarship if college interested you.
Whatever you decide to do, don't bite off too much. Take things easy. You've had a harder time than many, and you are coming out of it OK! Really, you are! You've managed great grades even with all the uproar at home. I was like you in high school (except it was my dad who was problematic) and now I'm just fine, so you can be, too.