General chatter - Dealing with Verbal Abuse




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missqt
12-18-2006, 06:38 PM
I am currently being verbally abused by my sister. I have been for the past 10 or so years, mostly about my weight. I have even been abused when I was 160 pounds and wearing a size 10!!! :mad:

I have recently gained about 60 pounds over the past 2 years. I knowthat I need to lose weight. But her calling me names isn't going to solve the problem. I don't live in the same house with her, but when I come home for holidays, I am dreading it because I know the comments about my weight will begin. I am currently home for Christmas and it should be a happy time, but I'm already having at least one heated argument a day.

Did I mention she used to be an overweight child (174 in the 8th grade)? Now, she feels she is superior because she lost the weight in high school and pretty much kept it off. I'm a medical student and under a LOT of stress. I know it's no excuse, but some people gain and some people lose when they're stressed.

Anyway, any advice? I have not been home in 11 months and this is why. Because of the verbal abuse. I am thinking of not coming back after I leave at the end of December.


Sheila53
12-18-2006, 07:34 PM
It's horrible when you don't have supportive family members. I finally had to tell my father that I would no longer visit if he continued to bug me about my weight. I knew I was fat, and I didn't need him to remind me. He hasn't said a word since.

While I don't know your situation, can you enlist the help of your parents or other siblings in letting your sister know her behavior is unacceptable?

lilybelle
12-18-2006, 07:36 PM
I'm sorry to hear what you have gone through with your sister. My sister has always been very negative about my weight. She has hurt my feelings so many times. Of course, she doesn't mention it now that I've lost the weight. I hope that you don't let her keep you from being around your other family. It's not worth it. I'm an RN and I can only imagine how stressful medical school is for you. But, great job for pursuing that awesome goal. Always remember that absolutely no one is superior to you. As for advice, I really don't have any. With my sister, I've tried getting mad, crying, ignoring her. None of it ever made much difference. However, I think ignoring does work best as negative people hate being ignored. Hugs.


midwife
12-18-2006, 07:36 PM
I am very sorry that your sister is that way. Look at all you have accomplished! It is not easy getting into med school. Perhaps she is jealous of your brains, drive, and desire to do good in the world?

I have changed the way I deal with abusive people over the years. The worst offenders are simply not in my life any longer. No apologies. I do what I must for my mental health.

I would just tell her to shove it, quite frankly. Sounds like she needs to hear that.

Could you enlist your parents or other siblings? They will miss you if you are driven away permanently.

You are not a doormat. No one deserves verbal abuse. Hugs to you.

midwife
12-18-2006, 07:38 PM
Hee hee. Looks like you got some good advice all at once!

Sexy Bookworm
12-18-2006, 07:48 PM
Look her up and down, from head to toe, and then straight back in her eyes and say..."baby, you ain't missing no meals, either." I said that to someone at the grocery store and their mouth fell open.

midwife
12-18-2006, 09:56 PM
Bookworm, you made me laugh!

Sexy Bookworm
12-18-2006, 11:40 PM
HAHA! I am not a mean person; in fact, I'm quite passive. The one thing that makes me go from sweet to ***** in .2 seconds is someone commenting about my back 40. Even if her sister isn't fat, the mere act of insinuating that her thin sister just MIGHT be a bit big will do wonders messing with her mind. :devil:

People like her keep on and keep on hounding people because they know they can get away with it. The last thing she expects to happen is to be called on her insults.

liz321
12-19-2006, 12:13 AM
What have you tried in the past? I would put her in her place so fast her head would spin....and then I would cut her loose....one of my motto's in life is..."You get what you put up with"...I have been overweight in one degree or another for most of my adult life and no one has ever made a rude comment to me about it...I wouldn't put up with that anymore than I would put up with any other form of rudeness...when you really have gotten over it...it will no longer have the desired effect....it doesn't sound like she is a very positive energy in your life....good luck and happy holidays! Let us know what you do to deal with your situation!

Liz

Sassy_Chick
12-19-2006, 04:18 AM
I have to agree with Bookworm!!!! :high: Most people who do this do it because they feel awful about themselves, by making them take a look at them self really makes them think about the verbal garbage that is coming out of their mouths.

But I do agree with the other ladies here, to keep going to see your family. Don't let what your sister says stop you from "living". Don't give her that kind of "power". Everytime she says something negative, just laugh or just start talking about something else your really positive about, heck maybe even ask her if she would like to join you for a workout or a walk!!!!

All in all, Keep going girlie and Kick some Booty! ;)

:hug:

aphil
12-19-2006, 10:03 AM
I agree...you get what you put up with. I have always said the same thing, but in a different way:

People will treat you how you LET them treat you.

She makes these comments, because you let her. You have to turn it back on her.

For instance, a few years ago, my grandfather made a comment about my grandmothers weight...something to the effect of how she didn't look like that when he married her. She smiled, and said "When I married YOU, you still had hair, AND your own teeth."

:rofl:

bellamafia
12-19-2006, 04:55 PM
For instance, a few years ago, my grandfather made a comment about my grandmothers weight...something to the effect of how she didn't look like that when he married her. She smiled, and said "When I married YOU, you still had hair, AND your own teeth."

:rofl:

LOL. haha.


I'm sure your sister is in no way perfect, and by trying to make you feel bad by making rude comments she is only trying to raise her own profile. You're probably right about her feeling superior because of her weightloss.

If it was my sister I would tell her to shutup and stop being so rude. Try and make her see that you don't care what she has to say (even if you do).

At the end of the day though you can't control what she wants to say or do, so be strong and ignore her comments. They're probbaly a load of rubbish anyway.

x

brandewijn
12-19-2006, 05:17 PM
I have learned with family the hard way and at a young age to not take crap. If she starts saying things, tell her that you don't wish to speak to arrogant people. Tell her that attacking you might make her feel better for the moment but in the long run she is only hurting herself. I am usually a "tell them how you feel, explain things, sit down and talk" kind of person but when it comes to years of this type of abuse. There shouldn't be any sweet talking. Get down to the point. Good luck! Maybe she won't this year, but if she is still mean, give it to her good.

Sassy_Chick
12-19-2006, 08:48 PM
For instance, a few years ago, my grandfather made a comment about my grandmothers weight...something to the effect of how she didn't look like that when he married her. She smiled, and said "When I married YOU, you still had hair, AND your own teeth."

That is hilarious! :rofl: WTG Grandma! :high:

ennay
12-19-2006, 10:36 PM
the fact that she abused you when you were size 10 and the fact that the arguments were heated...I would avoid saying anything like "shut up" or anything that indicates that what she says bothers you. It sounds like she is looking to pick a fight.

I would say to her once, very calmly and NOT in response to an insult ..initiate the conversation if you can...that you will NOT put up with verbal abuse from anyone anymore. And then just tune her out. Ignore her when she calls you names...walk away...dont hear her, dont respond dont play her game.

aschenbrodel
12-20-2006, 03:56 AM
When I was in high school my older sister caled me "piggo"
When i lost it and probably more than I should have, I was caled "skinna bones"
I couldn't win.
I have a lot of anger towards my sister, but I have never told her how bad she made me feel.
I am 5 ft 6 and she is around 4ft. 11.
I have always felt ike a giant fat elephant around her, but I've always wondered if maybe, Just maybe, she is jealous.

Hyper critical people can't be very happy people inside.
Pity them.

ZedAus
12-21-2006, 06:20 AM
I am sorry that you are getting this sort of thing from your sister. I had problems with my parents making 'subtle' comments about my weight for a while and I simply stopped going to see them. I know that people have said that you shouldn't let what your sister is doing stop you from visiting your family, but if your family is hearing this and they aren't doing anything about it, then they are not helping the situation at all. I'm not sure what you can do about that, other than talking to ALL of them, but I know that I have been a LOT better since deciding to keep away from what I call 'poisonous' people.

I am visiting my family for Christmas this year and I know things will be different, because I will be one of the smallest people there. Last time I visited my parents they made comments about how big one of my cousins was. I haven't seen them since. Problem is that I didn't TELL them why I didn't visit, I just never turned up at their house. This time, if they say something like that, I am really going to try to actually say something to them about it. Honestly, the way they talked about this cousin, I could only wonder if they said those types of things about ME when I was bigger. I have had the theory of 'unconditional love' blown out of the water with this thought.

Anyway... sorry to rant, but this topic is very close to my heart. My siblings and their families have never said anything to me about my weight, and I am really sad that I had to lose weight to get some kind of 'approval' from my parents. I would hope that if my siblings had heard them say something, they would have made a comment in support of me.

I hope you find the strength to either say something, or avoid this situation in the future. Your other family members should support you if they hear her saying something. If not, then you need to avoid all of them. These types of people can only bring you down, when you need to be supported.

Zelma

missqt
12-25-2006, 12:57 AM
Hugs to you all and thanks for the replies!!! Also, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I'm not a passive person by ANY means, but for the sake of peace in the household (we can get quite loud and it embarasses my mom) I just go into my room and close the door. She refuses to acknowledge that she's abusive and was abusive even when I wasn't fat!

I'm just trying to survive the holidays and let it go. We should just stick to a long distance relationship. But when I DO lose this weight, she's going to be sorry!

Anyway, thanks for the support!

WeighToGo
12-25-2006, 06:42 PM
I can't help but wonder if some of the power her comments have over you are in the way you frame the situation: i.e., that she is being verbally abusive and you are being abused. Is there another perspective to view the situation that would put you in a more powerful position?

If I am being abused, I am coming from a weaker position.