[SeekInnerThinChick]

It says I'm a birch tree, but my personality is definitely maple. I must be a transplant.

[blugirrl1]

I am a hornbeam tree. and it was right on.

[Noodles913]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,.......
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."

[Noodles913]

A husband went to Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He was shown several possibilities that ranged from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opted for the most sheer item, paid the $500 and took the lingerie home.

He presented it to his wife and asked her to go upstairs, put it on
and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thought, I have an idea. It's so sheer that it
might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling
naked and return it to the store tomorrow and get a $500 refund
for myself.
So she appeared naked on the balcony and struck a pose.

The husband said, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at
least iron it!"

Funeral Services are pending.

[Noodles913]

[Ilene]

OMG...

[blugirrl1]

lmao.

[Noodles913]

True Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one!!
--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and lightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient wenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both of his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put
on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for abou ttwenty years -- when my husband was alive."
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling
was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
--Won't admit his name.. (Gee I wonder why!!! )

[Ilene]

OOOOH MMMMMY GGGGOD.... I am sitting here crying from reading those jokes Noodles!!!!!!! I have to print it to bring to work tomorrow! And I'm sending it to all my email buddies too....

[DonnaD]

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
>

[mauvaisroux]

Those were great!

[blugirrl1]

noodles, oh thank you for the laugh this morning much needed.
"Oh i wish i was an oscar meyer wiener" priceless

[Noodles913]

Yer Welcome Ladies. Tis better to laugh than to hold it in ya know...

[Noodles913]

Revenge of The Blondes

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of
fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" He figured that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment, unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the blonde's turn. she asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with
three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde
politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,
hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[Noodles913]

This list is designed to be a quick check for you to review. Use it to give yourself ideas to maintain your relationship, to give it a positive boost or just simply for some ideas. Print this list off and give it to your partner and then take it in turns, fulfilling what each other wants from the list.

1. Hug her/him.

2. Write a love note.

3. Call her/him at work just to say "Hi."

4. Give a foot massage.

5. Tell a joke.

6. Caress her/him with slow gentle strokes.

7. Go for a walk with her/him.

8. Admit your mistakes.

9. Say: "I love you."

10. Indulge a whim.

11. Listen to her/him talk about an interest of hers/his.

12. Be trustworthy.

13. Instead of complaining, tell her/him what you would prefer.

14. Look at her/him when you're in a discussion.

15. Send her/him flowers. (They`re not just for us girls.)

16. Compliment something she/he did.

17. Offer to help.

18. Ask her/him to show you how to do something.

19. Write a poem about how special she/he is to you.

20. Ask her/him what she'd/he'd like sexually.

21. Take an afternoon drive.

22. Go away together for a weekend holiday.

23. Do something she/he wants to do.

24. Listen to her/him (even if she/he is boring you.)

25. Plan a candlelit dinner.

26. Look at old photos together.

27. Serve her/him breakfast in bed.

28. Take a shower together.

29. Share sexual fantasies.

30. Do a work project together.

31. Give her/him an all over body massage.

32. Plan a picnic lunch.

33. Repeat what she/he says before answering.

34. Send her/him a card.

35. Surprise her/him with a gift.

36. Cook her/his favorite meal.

37. Put on some romantic music.

38. Put together a compilation tape of both your favourite songs.

39. Ask for her/his opinion.

40. Ask her/him how he feels.

41. Let her/him know when you are proud of her/him.

42. Invite her/him to a secret rendezvous.

43. Listen openly to her/his opposing opinion.

44. Watch her/his favourite TV programme with her/him.

45. Watch a sunset together.

46. Play a game together.

47. Have her/him teach you something he/she knows.

48. Go to a movie of his/her choice.

49. Meet him/her for lunch.

50. Let him/her know you care