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Old 03-24-2004, 05:04 PM   #16  
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Old 03-24-2004, 05:29 PM   #17  
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Old 03-24-2004, 07:24 PM   #18  
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The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) Street is
not just an athlete, she is a nurse.

She currently works in the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan
hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the telephone while she is at work, however.

It simply caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and
say: "Picabo, ICU ".

A good clean story is hard to find these days ---
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Old 03-25-2004, 07:01 AM   #19  
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Hahahahahaha Cute one Lanaii!! Can I post that in my PCOS Jokes & Fun Stuff Thread??

Here's one for ya all...


The innovation of Ford

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new
Excursion into an Irish gas station. An attendant greeted him in typical
Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was.

"Top of the mornin' to ya."

As Tiger got out of the car, two tees fell out of his pocket.

"So what are those son?" asked the attendant.

"They're called tees." replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive." replied Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at Ford think of everything!"
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Old 03-25-2004, 07:02 AM   #20  
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John and Nancy decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their six-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plans into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Smiths have company," he called out, "Matt riding a new bike and the Sanders are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
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Old 03-25-2004, 07:28 AM   #21  
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good ones. needed a chuckle this morning.
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Old 03-25-2004, 11:55 AM   #22  
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Default Why Did God Make Mothers??

Why Did God Make Mothers??

1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?

1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

How did your Mom meet your dad?

1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and
YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?

1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?


1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?

1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!

Describe the world's greatest Mom?

1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest Mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your Mom perfect?

1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
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Old 03-25-2004, 06:51 PM   #23  
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Noodles of course you can post that one anywhere!
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Old 03-25-2004, 06:54 PM   #24  
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I sat under an oak tree in Wyoming on a summer day, drinking iced tea and visiting with my mother. "Don't forget your girlfriends", Mother advised, clinking the ice cubes in her glass. No matter how much you love your husband, you are still going to need girlfriends. Remember to go places with them now and then; and do things with them, even when you don't necessarily want to, And remember that girlfriends are not only friends, but sisters, daughters, mothers, grandmothers and other relatives too. Women supporting and relating to other women is our responsibility and our gift. "What a funny piece of advice," I thought. "Hadn't I just gotten married? Hadn't I just joined the couple-world? I was now a married woman, for goodness sake, not some young girl who needed friends!"

But I listened to my Mom. I kept in contact with my girlfriends and even found some new ones along the way. As the years tumbled by, one after another, I gradually came to understand that Mom really knew what she was talking about!

Here is what I know about girlfriends:

***girlfriends bring casseroles and scrub your bathroom when you
need help;
***girlfriends keep your children and your secrets.


***girlfriends give advice when you ask, sometimes you take it and
sometimes you don't.

***girlfriends don't always tell you you're right, but they usually tell
the truth.

***girlfriends still love you, even when they disagree with your
choices.

***girlfriends laugh with you and don't need canned jokes to start the
laughter.
***girlfriends pull you out of jams.

***girlfriends don't keep a calendar of who hosted the other's last
big party.



***girlfriends will celebrate for your son or daughter when they get
married or have a baby, in whichever order that happens.



***girlfriends are there for you in an instant, and when the hard
times come,
***girlfriends listen when you lose a job or a friend.

***girlfriends listen when your children break your heart.
***girlfriends listen when your parents' minds and bodies fail.
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Old 03-29-2004, 08:05 AM   #25  
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Default What Tree Did You Fall From??

WHAT TREE DID YOU FALL FROM?

Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is really cool and
somewhat accurate, also in line with Celtic astrology.

Dec 23 to Jan 01 - Apple Tree
Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 - Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22 to Dec 31 - Beech Tree

YOUR TREE

Apple Tree (the Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal,
and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous,
sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender
partner, very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate
partner.

Ash Tree (the Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive,
demanding, does not care for criticism ambitious, intelligent, talented,
likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover,
sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and
much emotional support.

Beech Tree (the Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its looks,
materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good
leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime
companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).

Birch Tree (the inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly,
unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the
vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of
imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.

Cedar Tree (the Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes
unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look
down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often
impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy
optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

Chestnut Tree (the Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive,
well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born
diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard
worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely
family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.

Cypress Tree (the Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what
life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content,
optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection,
hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful,
quick tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain
knowledge, needs to be needed.

Elm Tree (the Noble mindedness) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes,
modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but
not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for
others, noble minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

Fig Tree (the Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit self willed,
honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, loves life
and friends, enjoys children and animals, a social butterfly, great sense
of humor, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work,
has artistic talent and great intelligence.

Fir tree (the Mysterious) -- extraordinary taste, handles stress poorly,
loves anything beautiful, can become depressed at times, stubborn, tends
to care for those close to them as well as helping strangers, rather
modest, hard worker, talented, unselfish, few sexual relationships, many
friends, doesn't want foes, very reliable.

Hazelnut Tree (the Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humor, very
demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting
impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite
moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of
judgment and expects complete fairness.

Hornbeam Tree (the Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its looks and
condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as
possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and
acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is
seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of
its decisions, very conscientious.

Lime Tree (the Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life
dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good
ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear
tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make
sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough
time to use them, can
become a complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but
extremely loyal.

Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- no ordinary person, full of
imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self
confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many
complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to
impress.

Oak Tree (the Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting,
independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground,
person of action.

Olive Tree (the Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind feelings,
reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful,
calm, well developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of
jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.

Pine Tree (the Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and
harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry,
not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly
in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self
esteem, needs affection and reassurance.

Poplar Tree (the Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very
self confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and
pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great
artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable
in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

Rowan Tree (the Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful, gifted without
egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even
complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic,
passionate, emotional, good company, always forgives.

Walnut Tree (the Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts,
often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions,
spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon
partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very
jealous and passionate, no compromise.

Weeping Willow (the Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family
life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves
anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places,
restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live
with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love
until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others
laugh.
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Old 03-29-2004, 08:09 AM   #26  
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Oh No...I'm a Lime Tree!!
These things always seem to know me all too well.


Lime Tree (the Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life
dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good
ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys get-away vacations, may appear
tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make
sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough
time to use them, can become a complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.
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Old 03-29-2004, 11:02 AM   #27  
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Don't feel bad, Noodles, I'm hornbeam tree! What the heck is a hornbeam tree?
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Old 03-29-2004, 03:58 PM   #28  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCalBirdLady
Don't feel bad, Noodles, I'm hornbeam tree! What the heck is a hornbeam tree?
Hornbeam Tree AKA Carpinus caroliniana Info: http://www.nysite.com/nature/flora/muscle.htm

Looks like is a New York/Back East type of tree. Pretty!! See yer pretty!!
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Old 03-29-2004, 04:00 PM   #29  
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Thumbs up Friendship A B C's...

> This is a test of the Emergency Friendship System!!!
>
>
>
> A Friend....
>
> (A)ccepts you as you are
> (B)elieves in "you"
> (C)alls you just to say "HI"
> (D)oesn't give up ! ! on you
>
> (E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
> (F)orgives your mistakes
> (G)ives unconditionally
> (H)elps you
> (I)nvites you over
>
> (J)ust "be" with you
> (K)eeps you close at heart
> (L)oves you for who you are
> (M)akes a difference in your life
>
> (N)ever Judges
> (O)ffer support
> (P)icks you up
> (Q)uiets your fears
> (R)aises your spirits
>
> (S)ays nice things about you
> (T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
> (U)nderstands you
> (V)alues you
>
> (W)alks beside you
> (X)-plains thing you don't understand
> (Y)ells when you won't listen and
> (Z)aps you back to reality
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Old 03-29-2004, 04:05 PM   #30  
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Talking Ten Commandments---Texas Style!!

People in Texas have trouble with all those shalls and shall nots in the 10 Commandments. Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language:

1. Just one God
2. Honor yer Ma & Pa
3. No tellin' tales or gossipin'
4. Git yourself to Sunday meetin
5. Put nothin' before God
6. No foolin' around with another fella's gal
7. No killin'
8. Watch yer mouth
9. Don't take what ain't yers
10. Don't be hankerin' fur yer buddy's stuff


Now that's kinda plain and simple-don't ya think?
Posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas.
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