Yup! Instead of Victoria's Secret we have Snow Queen's Secret full of us sexy Canadian chicks in our longjohns and fuzzy polar bear slippers
"And this is our lovely model Mauvaisroux, seen here at her computer in a lovely pair of dove grey waffleweave longjohns and azure gaming convention baby-t and leopard print slippers. Note the designer cat eye shaped leopard print glasses with matching hairclip to hold her fiery tresses back for that all important raving intellectual look - yes she's a Northern dream in this fabulous ensemble!"
*Limited edition-get yours now while quantities last.
** Sorry no rainchecks.
In Honor of Stupid People In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut."
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number? Yeah, hold on. It's
6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742
Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number
over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302, and your cell number's 266-2566. I
see you are calling from home, sir."
Customer: Where d'ya get all that information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well. I'd like to order a couple of your
all-meat special pizzas..."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very
high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health
Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: " What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat soybean yogurt pizza. I'm sure
you'll like it."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out "Gourmet Soybean Recipes" from your
local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones,then.
What's the damage?"
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four
kids, sir. The "damage," as you put it, comes to $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your
driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."
Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready.
How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're
out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little
awkward."
Customer: "How the **** do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so
your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd
be using it."
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got
a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing. Oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of
Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents
us from offering free soda to diabetics.
No wonder we love you so much. 
