A happy, little fly was buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate. And ate...and then she ate some more!!! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.
But alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground. She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!! She thought if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.
Dead Fly....
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The moral of this sad story?
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Ready?
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Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of ****!
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:"A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
14. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
16. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
17. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
18. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
20. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
21. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?
Originally posted by Ruthxxx
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It costs him $500,000.He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.An old man on a moped pulls upnext to him. The old man looks over at the sleek,shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks,
"Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 195 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 200 mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up! to 220 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror."
I love these!! I can especially relate to the 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES" list this week!!
