Sojo... I understand the body image thing... I have always thought I was huge and hated to look in the mirror unless I had bones showing through the skin which I did have a several time. I have had a negative body image my whole adult life and thought basically the only way to keep a man was to him...
I thought so little of myself that it was basically the only way I knew how to express myself. I am glad that part of me changed with some maturity. I still hate to look in the mirror, I can't have sex with the lights on, I do not like to change in front of anyone...I will not buy myself nice things because it isn't in the perfect size. When I had gotten down into an 8 I threw away all my big clothes (which really limits what I have to wear now) and bought myself some nice stuff from like Speigel.. it is all hanging in the closet ... I couldn't shove myself into any of it right now, but I will not buy alot of things in the size I am now because I don't plan to be here much longer.
I still considered myself fat when I had ribs showing and no stomach to speak of... I would kill to be back at 135... now with the muscle I have 135 would be darn skinny....
Mmmmm... I always had a boyish body. Slim hips, small breasts. Slim and muscular. I HATED that I had no discernable waist from the front. I WANTED to be curvy. Now I would kill to have that boyish body again.
Looking back, I feel fortunate in that I rarely had any negative attention from boys. I'm still a bit of a tomboy, and I hate being oogled by men. I want men to look deep into my eyes and love me for my mind. heh heh.
I'm most comfortable in a sweater, a pair of jeans, my Doc Martins, and a mens coat jacket. NO PURSES!! Long hair, short nails and cool sunglasses. Big hoop earrings are my only concession (okay, the hair too) to femininity.
Being fat has made me slip into some stuff which does NOT suit my personality, and it makes me feel *hitty. Stuff like sweats, a sundress to cover my big hips, pants with elastic (shudder), slip on shoes.
I gained weight gradually, and hid it well. I can conceal it reasonably well up to about 170 pounds, but this extra 20 makes me look like a fat geek. geez, I hate myself. Now that I have to wear glasses instead of my beloved contacts, I look like a freakin' fat secretary from the 70's. Where did the real Ellis go!?!?!?!
I was a very tiny little girl, until puberty. I got "blessed" early - was in a bra by the time I was 9 years old and started to get chubby. My weight fluctuated until I was twelve when I slimmed down and started getting noticed by boys. This was weird for me. At age 12 a lot of terrible things happened (the death of my grandmother, being molested, getting into lots of fights with my parents) and I became anorexic. I would freak out if I was anything above 97 lbs. I rode my bike everywhere all over town for exercise and would hardly eat anything at all. Finally my parents noticed and they started forcing me to eat, and really watching what I was eating.... and I thought I was okay for a while.
Then I started to get depressed and gained a lot of weight. Mostly started when I was about 15 or 16 years old. I went into this dark phase of wearing all black, cutting myself, abusing drugs, smoking, drinking, the list goes on. I really think this is typical teenager stuff. I gained like 60 lbs from munchies from pot smoking, and I was already chunky to begin with. I really wonder sometimes if I didn't gain all that weight to cover myself up, so no boys would be interested in me, so that they would leave me alone. This way I didn't have to worry about my problems from being molested. Things got pretty bad for me, but I eventually was able to grow up and move past most of my traumas and move into my 20's as a chunky but somewhat more adjusted girl. I figured out my religious and sexual identity which helped a lot for my self esteem and for accepting myself. But, I can not and will not ever accept myself as fat.
And this time I know I really am fat. It's not like before when I was tiny and just saw myself as fat. Now I know what fat looks like and what skinny looks like... and i know what I look like at normal. I just hope I can get there without getting back my terrible anorexic thinking that took me down this hole to begin with.
And on to my family. Dad has always been overweight, he was overfed as a child and it just sort of stuck. He's always been at least chubby, but mostly quite overweight. My mother has also been heavy most of her life. She has topped off in the 300 lb range. She has managed to bring it down some though since she found out she has Borderline Diabetes 2 and "syndrome X." My whole family is prone to depression, and prone to eating for every occasion. Life has always revolved around food. Holidays, Weekends, Vacations, celebrations... it was always what we were eating, where we were going to eat, and so on. My earliest memories are of us standing in line for food because my mom had WIC and was getting government issued Peanut butter, bread, cheese, etc. Luckily they pulled out of that rough patch quickly.
Perhaps this is where my obsession comes from though. It's like, before work even if I'm not hungry I'll think "Oh, I'd better eat because if I don't I'll be really hungry and won't feel very good later" and I worry about going somewhere without having eaten. Or it's so-and-so time, so it must be time to eat. It's bizzare and I never really thought about it until I came here and saw everyone else writing the same things I was feeling.
My husband is first in line of 5 kids, and food wasn't always readily available to him. He told me once, that right before we met, he actually lived off a can of pineapple for a week because he had no job, and his dad had no job, and there was nothing left in the house. This was a 23 year old 6 foot 4 man that was starving! So when he got a job and we got together we went a little crazy with the foot and balooned up to like 270 lbs. He has gone up and down from 245 to 275 since then and can not find the right weight and stay with it. But his attitude is totally different to food because it wasn't so much an obsession. He only eats when he's hungry - which sometimes is once a day - but when he does eat he eats soooo much that i know it's just not healthy for him.
When I am dieting he becomes the police and tries to tell me what i am allowed to eat and what i am not allowed to eat, how much i should be eating and so on. when he does this it pisses me off and as a result i blow my diet. this has happened every time... so this time I haven't told him I'm doing it. I mentioned in passing that I've lost 5 lbs, and that I exercised today - or whatever... but I feel like I don't have to prove anything to him this time, which is a good feeling.
This has gotten way too long, I'm sure I'll think of other things later to add. It's nice hearing other peoples feelings and the reasons they are the way they are. Its nice knowing you're not alone.
Sojo sounds hauntingly like me... I developed early as well and I longed to be petite & cute like the vast majority of my friends. I was 5'6 and 135 when I graduated high school, but I still felt huge compared to my 4'11-size 4-cheerleader best friend.
I went off to college and that's where I discovered beer-drinking, lol. I was finally able to eat whatever I wanted (A LOT of pizza) and we drank & partied all the time... couple that with a lot of sitting around while studying and the freshman-15 turned into the freshman-35. My depression, which had been lingering for years, hit me head-on in college and my body-hatred was insane.
Even though I have the depression under control, I'm still struggling with my weight & body image. I can look at myself and appreciate certain things... but those positives are always overshadowed by the big negative... my weight.
To Sojo's point about being a bit scared you won't like your body even when you hit 130... I'm not worried about that. I know I will appreciate that weight (135 for me!) and be happy with myself. When I was 135 in high school, I had NO appreciation for it... but now that I've been all the way up to 210, I KNOW what it's like to be really overweight... obese, even... all the health problems, the non-existent self esteem, never finding nice clothes that look decent on me and feelings of worthlessness in our weight-obsessed society... even now, only having lost 25 pounds, I feel 10x better about myself. You're gonna have to peel me off the walls when I actually hit goal!
can I vent here? i hope so cause i am in an odd mood about something the Hub said/did. my dieting, very well might be making him jealous, that is the only reason i can think of why he would say somethings or sabotage me with foods he knows i cannot resist. -- last night i came home from school and wanted to go for my walk. he has been going with me, and that is great. BUT is was during our walk we started talking about some plans we have for the future and getting there. i made a statement based on how i feel, regarding my weight and overall health. I said i do want to feel better when i walk, feel better when i exert myself, not feel bloated and stuffed when i sit in a super-soft couch. i am tired of being fat, basically. he said some smart remark about my getting bored with it soon. whatever. i walked away from him and into a field and told him to go home.
i have been working hard, very hard to make good eating choices and exercise. I have given up MANY foods and managed to find enough willpower to resist some too. well, yesterday, a few people who haven't seem me in a while commented on my loss and how my face is looking thinner. the Hub was present and HE said, "you think? i don't see it yet." Ok how nice is that? i have to keep reminding myself that i am doing this for ME not him or anyone else, but to have a comment like that fall from his face......well it hurt ya know.
and yes maybe he can't see it as well as someone who doesn't see me everyday, but something more positive could have been said. -- he gets that kinda sh*t from his mother. ...she is a negative *&^%$.
i just didn't say a thing, which i would usually, but it seems useless.
i just don't understand
ok..i'll sit down and let someone else have a turn...
Ruben's it is very possible that your DH is getting jealous. When I lost down to 140, I was turning quite a few peoples head (not being vain) but some of the people my DH's friends were making comments about it and well to make a long story short- they were feeding him this line about me getting thin and in shape and leaving him for someone else. My DH got pretty insecure about the whole thing and very "suspicous?"
Ruben ~ I know how you feel. My husband has made comments like that before... just small remarks, like yours made. It might be jealousy - or in my case (cause my husband has nothing to be jealous of, he's never been close to overweight and he's a hottie, lol) I think he just plain doesn't know how to be supportive. I think he believes that he is just being "honest" about how he feels & that there would be no reason for me to get upset about it. He watched me fail a lot at getting healthy (or "get bored" with it, as your husband put it) and I don't think he believes in me anymore... he "tried" to be supportive, but unfortunately, his idea of that and mine are very different.
OR, because he wants someone to be "bad" with him, ya know? He wants someone who will order the pizza and not worry about it, or get that pint of Ben & Jerry's. He doesn't want to do it alone, for goodness sake!!
I don't think it's cause he doesn't love me, or because he's trying overtly to sabotage me... I think because he's never had a weight problem before, he doesn't realize how amazingly difficult it is to overcome - and he doesn't understand how those "little comments" can be so devastating.
Ever since I confronted him about it, he's gotten better... well, that and we don't live together anymore, hehe. But I don't recommend that for everyone. I told him how much it hurt me that he didn't believe in me, that even though I failed a million times and he's had to be there to watch it, he should be there for me the next million times as well, if that's what it takes... and he's gotten better about it, most definitely.
i know the feeling too. my hubby can be very unsupportive, or just say some really mean things about my weight. Sometimes I just think part of it is he's a jackass. But I also think that he doesn't know the right things to say because of the way he grew up and his poor examples - i mean parents (if you can even call them that) sometimes men can just be jerks, inadvertantly too. He doesn't realize what he is saying is coming out that way - especially when it is a sensitive subject. My husband tries to get around sensitive subjects by making a joke out of everything - which usually pisses me off even more.
Even if there isn't much in the way of help coming from me - you have my empathy. Hubby usually says at least one assy thing per day. heh.
take care, when you are feeling better and have met some goals you can see that what he said was small in comparison to what he will say when you look and feel beautiful.
Well I think he's a little of all of the above. I know he does have a hard time expressing ANY feelings, and he can have the social graces of a pig in sh*t, but at the same time....he did have those examples set before him. His dad is a gem, but is VERY introverted regarding his feelings. His mother on the other hand, is exceptionally needy and even suffocatingly so...to her a little is NEVER enough and enough is never enough...get my drift. So in a way i think he's caught in the middle. -- He has never overtly said anything to hurt me intentionaly, but little comments slip past.
It's true, he has seen me try and fail...or try and succeed only to revert and gain back. He knows my medical issues and how difficult it is to deal with my weight because of them. He is not overweight, per say, he could stand to drop 20 MAYBE. but he is a large built man and tall. I do think in a way he does miss having someone to 'be bad' with as far as eating. He and I both greatly enjoy trying new foods.
i just don't know where he is coming from, and talking to him about it just evokes a 'deer in the headlights' kinda stare....and then he gets a little defensive.
I'm sure its not jealousy in the sense that he thinks I will go elsewhere once I reach my goal weight....he knows better than that, he and i are great friends and believe in honest relationships (18 yrs together and no kids...says a little something eh?). He has NEVER stopped me from doing anything I set my mind to, but he's never done much to support them either. He's limbo.
I'm going to have to find another way of approaching the situation again with him because this isn't working very well and IS effecting how I feel about what I am trying to achieve.
i tell you ladies, if it weren't for 3FC, I wouldn't feel I had anywhere to turn. thanks for that in heaps
There are days I don't think men can breath with out being an A$$.... My DH says things simply because he knows it gets under my skin and he just feels the need to do it.
Just want to say hi, and send loving warm vibes to all who need them. Wheter you know it or not, sometimes you girls keep me sane. Love to all.
Virginia
P.S. Life is good, sometimes you just have to really look!
I am sad today... could be because it is right at TOM and I am feeling like the world is closing in on me. I graduate in 2 weeks, I was suppose to have a job starting the Monday after graduation and that still hasn't happened and that is getting my nerves shot. My DH just found out yesterday that our insurance is going up 20% in July and that they are cutting his hours at work (not just his, everyones) so I still don't have a job, they are cutting his hours, we are suppose to go on our first vacation as a family in June and now we don't know if we are going to have the money. I have a wedding shower and two baby showers to get gifts for, a Reef Club Meeting we are hosting next weekend, a graduation party the next weekend for my family and a graduation party the next weekend for our friends, and don't have anything in the house to wear to any of it (none of us actually do except maybe DD).... I am about to lose it, it is official.
We have been doing renovations on our house that have cost a small fortune (looks nice) but now I am wondering if we should of been hording the money. Bah.... I will quit now, this is making it worse today instead of better seeing it in print, is getting to me.
We are cutting back on vacation plans this year too. We thought we'd actually have one this year!!!
But seriously, cut back. You can entertain but do it "homestyle" and just look for bargains for the gifts. Once I found an old (read antique) silver sugar and creamer at a garage sale ($10) and shined it up and gave that as a wedding gift. THEY LOVED IT!!!!
Isn't it amazing how our mind plays tricks on us? While gaining weight, every pound up is horrible, devastating, and results in mental self abuse. However while losing weight, each pound down seems wonderful, amazing, and a cause for celebration. So 180 is the end of the world on the way up, and 180 on the way down is a freakin' miracle. I swear half of this weight stuff is mental... our body images are so warped. Does anyone know of someone who is overweight and truly happy with their body (men don't count)?
"(men don't count)" ... heh heh. Good point, Sojo. A lot of them don't seem to mind having a potbelly, but they certainly don't like to see a fat WOMAN!!
Well, there's that fat British girl. Has some sort of TV show. I forget her name. Long dark hair. Big smile. Fat. Flamboyant. She seems totally comfortable with her weight. I guess that's fine, but I think she could stand to drop a few. Before she has a stroke.
him... 
Long hair, short nails and cool sunglasses. Big hoop earrings are my only concession (okay, the hair too) to femininity. 
I told him how much it hurt me that he didn't believe in me, that even though I failed a million times and he's had to be there to watch it, he should be there for me the next million times as well, if that's what it takes... and he's gotten better about it, most definitely.
in heaps
Huh...
