[rkworth]

hi!

just joined and love the idea of actual support and problem solving!

Looking forward to learning and offering

[ellis]

Hugs, Amy...
I agree with Sojo... can you find an hour every week or so to get some counseling? It's can be such a relief to dump on someone who's not personally involved with you... even when you're paying for it.

Chris... thank you for sharing... that's a great article.

All of your stories are very inspiring. Inspiring in that we've all come this far. We're still "hanging in there". We're very strong women.

[Amyjo01]

The counselling is three fold problem right now.

1. I don't have the money to pay the co-pay's, and I don't like the MD that I would have to see to get back in with the counselor...

2. Until the month of July of 2005 or 06 I don't think I can squeak a spare minute in (okay that is an exaggeration) maybe 2004.

3. With my up coming Licensing Exam, I have to disclose any Mental Health Treatment I have had in the last 5 year to my state and I am not really willing to do that (which I honestly don't see how they can ask... but I don't know how many Schizophrenic People they let practice nursing)....

So basically 1 and 3 are hendering me....

I am doing alright.... As long as I stay OP and don't eat like a normal person I don't have the urge to purge.... If I eat normally for more than a day then I get that special feeling. It may seem silly but in my head if I could get back below say 160 I think the thoughts might disappear or subside. The lower my weight the less problems I seem to have


Well, I gave in a bought my kids easter candy. Not a whole lot but I did buy it, hopefully I can maintain my will power and stay away from the Cadberry Caramel Eggs.

Well, I hope that everyone has a wonderful Day, we are still laying ceramic bathroom tile... my house is covered in dust and you can't walk through my living room or hall.... that is really getting my nerves going.

Amy

[Sojourner]

What about trying to find a free or cheap eating disorders support group? One hour a week is really not that much time... plus it would be inexpensive and would not be on your record. Please think about it... this is very serious.

[katrinabgood]

Oh my my my...so many issues...so much in this thread that got my head to nodding, "yup! Me too!" What an excellent idea, Sojo!

So here's my story...

I've always been overweight...just never as much as I am now. I was a "chubby" kid, second oldest of five. My sister and I had the chubby thing going for us, none of the boys did, neither did my parents. I suffered the humiliation of having to wear the husky sizes and shopping in the "special" sections of the store...Easter time still gives me the willies. I heard the "you have such a pretty face..." spiel, ad nauseum. My grandfather would tell me point blank how fat I was. He thought he could shame me into not eating, I guess. Wrong-o, Pa!

We didn't have much money, so like many others, we had to eat "Everything on our plates!" We couldn't leave the table until we were done. (Spam, boxed macaroni and cheese, hotdogs, bologna, very few fresh vegetables, lots of potatoes.) We didn't always have a lot of treats, so when Mom bought Devil Dogs or Ring Dings, it was every man for himself til they were gone...usually the same day!

I was always a voracious reader. I can remember sneaking sandwiches, in my pants, into to my room to eat while I read. I still have a hard time sitting down to eat, if I'm alone, without reading something...and that, unfortunately, has translated into eating at the computer.

When I was in the 7th grade, my mother joined Lean Line...(like WW) She didn't need it at all, she did it for me. Come to think of it, that's the one thing that stands out in my mind that she ever did just for me. hmmmmmm.... Anyway, I lost weight, got to a normal size, which lasted through high school and beyond. Only thing was, I never lost that fat mentality. I never stopped thinking of myself as fat. Recently I came across a picture of myself in a bathing suit, at about age 20. I distinctly remember seeing this pic then, and thinking, "Oh my God, look at those thighs." (probably weighed 140 @ 5'5"...so I was never a skinny bird, but certainly not FAT at all.) I am here to tell you now that I would give my first born to have those thighs again! (Well. maybe not the first born, how about the dog?)

There is a LOT of alcoholism in my family. At one point in time, if I hadn't hooked up with the guy who became my husband, I would have gone that route too. He doesn't drink. No one in his family drinks. What a rude awakening that was for me! I simply could not conceive of parties where no alcohol was served...AND PEOPLE STILL HAD FUN! So I slowed way down on the boozing, but... I think the eating took the place of that addiction. My weight steadily increased after marriage, esp after two pregnancies.

So now I'm the fattest in my family...My sister has probably about 20 lbs to lose...she never was as heavy as I was/am. But she drinks...a LOT, so does her husband. All three brothers drink, one to excess, the other two probably would too if they didn't have strong wives who won't tolerate that all the time. They will drink to excess on occasion. My parents both drink. I don't recall my mother drinking, except at parties, while I was growing up, but now they drink together. I'm kind of the outsider in my family because I don't drink like that. I can have a drink or two and be done, and they just want the party to go on and on and on. They remember the days when I did act like that and think I only "act" this way when dh is around.

I daresay that I'm the one with the most stable marriage, the most self esteem, (but that's not saying much), the happiest...I have so much to be thankful for.

So I guess, it's all those old habits that are just so ingrained and so hard to change. (At least I don't stick sandwiches down my pants any more!) But it's also unresoved alcoholism issues too. I'm sure a stint at Al Anon wouldn't hurt.

Thanks for giving me a place to unload all that. Boy, that took a long time to write! It was like peeling an onion...I had to keep going back to find more.

Nothing but good can come of unloading these burdens. Thanks again.

[ellis]

Yeesh, Kat... too scary! I think I see a little of myself in each and every one of you girls!
If I'm reading, I have to have something to nibble on. (and I read a LOT!) And if I'm eating, I like to have a book in my hand. I was one of those kids who would read every word of the cereal box at the breakfast table. Every day.
I'm so glad that you've got a good husband, Kat. Mine is wonderful, too. No one in my family has a drinking problem, but I'm a little obsessive, and with my depression I've always been a little afraid that I might develop a problem with it. (hmmm, that must be why I've never allowed myself to get drunk! )

I wonder if we could use some shock treatment for the eating/reading stuff?

[katrinabgood]

Oooh, ellis...I read the cereal boxes too!! Some good reading there!

Nothing fancy in our house...Cheerios, Rice Krispies, Puffed Wheat or Rice...Oh, how I longed for the classics, Lucky Charms or Trix!

I'm glad I was in good company!

[Amyjo01]

Sojo ~ I am going to look into a local support group. To be complete up front, I know it sounds like a cop out but right now I am dealing with the last two weeks of college (literally) I have two papers to write, several tests, finals, we are facelifting our house (bathrooms and kitchen), I have two very active kids who don't feel like it is necessary to slow down, and I work. Until after I graduate and get my life into some kind of consistent slower groove I really can't do anything except watch my warning signs.

Ellis ~ Cereal boxes... my kids read the cereal boxes, I never got into their plot lines.

Kat ~ Your family sounds an awful like mine. My father is an alcoholic, has been forever, I remember 3 years of my life he didn't drink (while he was married to my step-mom), all three of my older brothers have dependencies....be it alcohol, pills, or pot... I have heard through the grapevine that my Sister and brother-in-law do Coke... she has a real body image problem but she is 5'6 and weighs like 120, she has always been thin and really fanatical about it. My husband I both drink but only socially... and never to excess but I could see myself with a problem, when I was a teenager if I drank it was alway to get drunk no happy medium, if I drank more than one or two drinks, I just kept drinking. So I never have more than 2 drinks and usually no more than once a month if that, usually less. It is good you found your husband, most of the time you end up falling into the same type of person as your parent or siblings just because it is comfortable. I married a man SO different from my family that it caused a riff for a while... but we own our house, wehave two nice running cars, I am the only one in my family to finish college, we both work, my kids are great, where I can't say the same for the rest of the family. It makes me sad to talk to them and hear what is going on, to know that unless something changes that it wont get any better for them but that it will most likely not change.


Well did pretty good this weekend with the house full of easter candy, I had about 20 peanut M&M's and some jelly beans. Did not stress over them, I didn't buy the kids tootsie rolls- because I am the one who always eats those not them (they would eat them if they had the chance) ...I have had to make sure I stayed away from the Chocolate Caramel Cadberry eggs.... I use to would eat those and let the kids think that the other one did it... OH THAT IS SAD But it is true. We did not do any family stuff this weekend, we laid ceramic tile all weekend and I had to get my house into some form of clean prior to going back to school today...it was driving me ape.. My mother volunteered to work so she didn't have to deal with the feud going on amongst her kids... I am the only one who doesn't have a fight going on right now... one brother isn't talking to another brother or my sister.. my sister isn't talking to the third brother.... makes for a nervous wreck at my up coming graduation with my grandparents and aunt coming from out of town. Really stressing me out. It is bad that I am really not looking forward to it.

Well I have to get my youngest up and I have to get ready for school myself.

Thanks for allowing the rant.

Hugs,
Amy

[Lunula]

Wow... reading through all these posts really inspires me... everyone here owning up to their issues & openly talking about them - and not only that, but working towards solving them! Thanks to everyone for sharing!

Sorry, had to delete what I posted... just making me feel too self-conscious.

[rkworth]

if we are bringin up alcoholic issues, my family also. My mom's side of the family. She has been sober for almost 20 years, but some of the personality tendencies are still there. Mainly over-reacting to things and I still have some fear of being totally honest with her about sensitive subjects. The whole walking on eggshells .....

Mu uncle, cousin and grandmother still actively drink too much. I know that I have replaced the alcohol with food, so that is my addictive behavior.

I am amazed at how too much alcohol can negatively effect family life and it is hard to meet someone that has not been effected by it.

I've done a little bit of the ACOA stuff, but need to continue

have a good day all

[ellis]

Amy, it's not the plot that draws me when there's no book available... it's the craving for the written word. And ANYTHING will do! When I was a teenager, if there was no reading material in my parents' bathroom I used to read the labels on the shampoo bottles.

Speaking of drinking... when my Dad was in his last year of teaching before retiring, he was so stressed that he started having a glass of sherry when he got home from school. I was TERRIFIED that he was becoming an alcoholic. heh heh.

Sympathies to all you with drinking issues in your families... it must be a real heartache.

Rkworth, I can totally relate to the "walking on eggshells". It's been like that with my family all my life.

[RubensMuse]

My mom was always one of those 'stress cookers'. made food when things went awry, and as well as Comforted us with food, praised us with food, family gathering centered around food.....no wonder you can't get a picture of her side of the family even with a wide angle lens. They are ALL large and tall. Even great great grandma who was a Souix indian was a dang big woman and STILL managed to have 14 kids. We have a pix of her and she had to be 400+ in the pic. My dads side is compact and short, but not overweight. They are Welsh/Scot and food was treated as a means to survive, not treated as entertainment. My Welsh gran made hearty food (lots of lamb and cabbage), but you were done eating for the day at 3 in the afternoon, and I think its cause she'd have us in bed by 7. My moms mom made big southern meals that could be grazed on all day, until midnight, and homemade ice cream was a family event that took place every Sunday. ~ Pretty much food has been put into my brain as something that is essential for socialization and overall security. And self-esteem...cause 'who's recipe was better' was a challenge. After my moms mom died, all that changed. Everyone kinds went their separate ways, but the food lessons remained. Everyone is still heavy, though some have lost, only to put it back on again.

My mom is game to try anything. If its new, she tries it, no matter what it is. i love her for that, but I think when it comes to food, she borderlines on the obsessive, and i honestly feel she was taught that by her mom, and so on. Genetics play out on her side, you can physically see it.

[brunissen]

I'm new to 3FC, but I saw this group and in particular this thread, and couldn't resist jumping in.

Up until I was in about 4th grade, there was never any mention of my weight - granted I was a big girl, but I was a healthy active girl. I don't know what happened in grade 4 but suddenly my weight was an issue for EVERYONE - my teachers (gym teacher in particular), my parents, my doctor, and of course the other kids in school. Now I was still an active kid, and I was also a head taller than anyone else in my grade, but all that anyone focused on were the numbers on the scale.

My parents (my mom especially) were always on me about losing weight, and I felt nothing but shamed. It was at this time that I began to sneak eat - a habit I still fall into around my parents. By 5th grade I had reached my adult height of 5'8", and I think I weighed around 150 - a body that I would KILL to have now, but then only shame. I started believing the I was hearing that I was fat, and I started being less active because fat people don't run, and bike, and do things like that. The totally frustrating thing was I was ragged at all the time about the weight, but my mom would still push food at me - something she continues to do to this day; if I'm over there and they have ordered a greasy pizza, then she lays all kinds of guilt of me for not eating any - moments after she mentions that she can see how much weight I've lost. Some days I could just scream!!!!

In junior high and high school my best "friends" and their mom referred to me as moo-moo - of course I acted like I didn't care, but that hurt. In fact after years of stuff like this, I can say I have a protective wall around me that I allow very very few people to get past, and I always wait for those I let in to betray me - it's what I've come to expect of the people I love and trust.

During an especially bad relationship in my late teens/early twenties, I developed bulimia - something I'm still battling to this day even after going through therapy.

After my last bad relationship, I went from about 250 to 350+ over the course of 10 years. I've finally decided I've had enough of punishing others by stuffing my face. For the first time since my first diet in 4th grade, I'm doing this for myself only - not to please anyone else. And I think that's what is going to make the difference this time.

I don't know if I'm just genetically prone to carrying more weight since I'm adopted and don't know much about my "gene donors." Growing up my mother did sometimes metion that she can't believe she no longer had a 17" waist (she's a petite woman). My sister (also adopted) was a model/prom queen/cheerleader/perfect student/etc., and I did feel like my parents expected me to be more like her in all ways - something that never happened.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

[Amyjo01]

Well first off let me say Welcome Brunissen~ Glad you found us.. Sounds like you and I are a bit alike as far as what we dealt with initially and a bit of what we are dealing with now. As I said to I was also 5'8 and started to hear the when I only weighed like 135... I was thunder thighs from the time I hit puberty until well I still am but no one calls me it any more. It didn't matter I could squat my weight in gym class.... I was still fat.

You know what guys, until I decided it wasn't a diet that it was a life change that was the first time I was able to lose and not purge... since I have gained alot of what I had lost back the purging issue has arose again. I am doing alright haven't had but one episode in several weeks, even with overdoing it on the food this weekend. The really funny thing about it is even when I got back down to 140 - 5 pounds from goal I still felt huge... I was almost down to a size 6 but still to thick around the middle for me. It drives me nuts. I have this thing hanging over my head if I don't lose the weight I am going to lose my husband. He has never suggested this but it is always in the back of my mind. I feel that insecure about myself that I am terrified that he will eventually get tire of me being big. I guess part of that is based on that he likes tiny petite women... I will never be petite, I would have to cut myself off at the knees to be petite but he likes thin women always has.... I guess that is always in the back of my mind. It doesn't matter how pretty I am, if I am not small enough he might find someone else. I want to lose the weight for myself but then again it is like I always have that looming. (you guys are right I need to go back to counselling)

Will post later- I have work to do.

Amy

[Sojourner]

We are now in our second week of "group therapy", so its time for a new question. We all did such an amazing job sharing our thoughts and experiences... I could see myself in bits and pieces of everyone. I really appreciated everyone's honesty and thoughtfulness.

BODY IMAGE

What is your relationship like with your body? How do you feel about it, what kind of memories or messages did you hear about it growing up, which parts do you like or hate? How can we develop more positive body images?


I was a healthy weight until maybe age 17. I was always very curvy and developed at an early age. The boys gave me a lot of negative attention because of my figure. I remember going on a diet when I hit 118 in junior high... I got down to 113 by starving myself. I always hated the fact that I was curvy and not pre-pubescent thin like my girlfriends.

When I started gaining weight I was so ashamed of my body. In college I started to really hate my body. I couldn't even speak of the fact that I was overweight. I was horrified at the thought of joining weight watchers or anything like that. I dabbled in bullimia, and my hatred towards my body expressed itself in depression and promiscuity. I believed that the attention of men proved that I was still attractive despite my weight.

Since I have been married I have continued to struggle with my body image. I continue to be ashamed of it. I know that part of healing and becoming thin is re-connecting my body to my spirit. I have to stop hating my physical self in order to find some peace with all of this. I am afraid that I will still be miserable at 130 and hate my body. I've hated my body at every other weight, so I don't know what it will be like when I reach my goal.