[Ruthxxx]

ROFLOLPIMP! I wish I'd had those comments for my last colonoscopy.

[RubensMuse]

Food for thought...

Sometimes... when you cry .... no one
sees your tears ...

Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees
you smile ....

But fart just one time...

[RubensMuse]

Ode to My MIL

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years. "

[katrinabgood]

Andy Rooney says, "As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If an older woman doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting.

An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. An older woman couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't
betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always know.

An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Her libido's stronger, her fear of pregnancy gone. Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal and she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her younger cousin could never dream of.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons.

Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

ANDY ROONEY

[katrinabgood]

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

> When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

> Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

> When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

> If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

> If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

>Yup...gonna be a bear.
>
>

[rochemist]

Current Events Test



> What is the Iraqi air force motto?
> I came, I saw, Iran.
>
> Have you heard about the new Iraqi air force exercise programme?
> Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them
there.
>
> What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad?
> Two days.
>
> What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
> They both have Kurds in their way.
>
> What is the best Iraqi job?
> Foreign ambassador.
>
> Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
> You only have to teach them to take off.
>
> How do you play Iraqi bingo?
> B-52 ... F-16 ... B-2
>
> What is Iraq's national bird?
> Duck.
>
> What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
> They both want to know where the **** those Tomahawks are coming from!
>
> Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?
> So they can see their air force.

[squeaker]

Ok this may not be the most PC thing I have posted, but it made me laugh....



"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?"

-Chris Rock

[RubensMuse]

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only
one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton
fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as "thelesser of two weevils."

3. Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open
foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family
in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a photo of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a photo of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist thought the competition was unfair. He
asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back
and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their shop, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up the shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him ... what? (Oh, this is so bad) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

[Ruthxxx]

Groan! Good ones. Keepers!

[ellis]

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
----------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
----------
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
----------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor
--------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
-----------
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

=====
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself

[Sojourner]

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

[mauvaisroux]

Those were great!

[ellis]

Those were funny, huh? I was embarrassed to post them... thought I was being a little lame. You girls are so affirming.

[Ruthxxx]

I can really relate to the last one!

[rochemist]

I need one of those perfect breakfast's ;-)

Miss Chris