Ellis have you been hiding in my cube at work? Esp. 1, 2, 3, 5, 9 & 13. My personal favorite is #1, I try and hide from my boss for about the last 20 minutes of my day, otherwise he will find me just as I am turning off my computer. His "will only take 5 minutes" projects normally last about a half a day.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E,F,G & H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stand for...It is about time you became informed!
{A} - Almost Boobs...
{B} - Barely there.
{C} - Can't Complain!
{D} - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - Enormous!
{F} - Fake.
{G}- Get a Reduction
{H} -Help me I've fallen and I can't get up
If you read this without laughing out loud, then there is something
wrong with you. This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to
get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary...
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the sweet dear)
purchased me a week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape (from playing on my high school
softball team), I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give
it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Bruce, who described himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor, and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased
with my sudden enthusiasm to get started.
Well, the club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress, so
here it goes:
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next
to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then he
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair
monster. Why the **** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too.
Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me
to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in
the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the rowing machine-which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that ******* Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the <mailto:&*@*#$>&*@*#$ barbells or anything
that weighs more
than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you
attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the *$@&&&& Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband (the *******) will choose a gift for me that is fun-like a root
canal or a hysterectomy.
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided
to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I
would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a
bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me
'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a
little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery
presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's Canadian?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys weren't drinking beer, neither would I."
CANADIAN JOKE #2
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His
friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whatcha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
CANADIAN JOKE #3
In Canada, we have two seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor
snowmobiling.
CANADIAN JOKE #4
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub
together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they
were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their
pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished
the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing
happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking
it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT"
CANADIAN JOKE #5
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They
were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died
before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the
American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses
present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a
beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at
the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too
young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth.
So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing
I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the
other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the
price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."
Last edited by mauvaisroux; 03-06-2003 at 03:30 PM.
Mauvais-One of the GOOD things about living in Michigan (see Michigan exercise) is that we can get Labatt's and Molsons CHEAPER than some of the piss that is called "American Beer!!"
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the
table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For heavens sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?
It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...
I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET !"
Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the **** happened.
Cora Harvey Armstrong-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
Helen Hayes (at 73)-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
Janette Barber-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
Lily Tomlin-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
Carrie Snow-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
Laurie Kuslansky-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
Bette Davis-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
Rhonda Hansome-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
Jane Sellman-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
Jennifer Unlimited-
++++++++++++++++++++++++> > >> > > >
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
Caryn Leschen-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
Jennifer Unlimited-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
Catherine-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
When I was young, I was put in a school for ******ed kids for two years
before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
Kathy Buckley-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb ... and I'm also not blonde.
Dolly Parton-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
Sue Grafton-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
Roseanne Barr-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
Elayne Boosler-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Maryon Pearson-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man- if you want anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Gloria Steinem-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
Eleanor Roosevelt-
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Ellis have you been hiding in my cube at work? Esp. 1, 2, 3, 5, 9 & 13. My personal favorite is #1, I try and hide from my boss for about the last 20 minutes of my day, otherwise he will find me just as I am turning off my computer. His "will only take 5 minutes" projects normally last about a half a day.
