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Starting over, again. Maybe this time it will stick!

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Old 01-20-2012, 05:16 PM   #1
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Default Starting over, again. Maybe this time it will stick!

I've been up and down with my weight for a long time. Goes back to some trauma issues I've got that I buried a little too deeply for my own good. Being big makes me feel like I've got presence and the fat feels like armor. Also, I can hide behind it and use it as an excuse to hide from life. Ridiculous, isn't it? I don't like this anymore, so I'm hoping to change it.

I've been on this forum for a while, but I veered away because life stuff got in the way. I'm a grad student, hoping to complete and defend my dissertation this semester. My husband (love of my life) cheated on me and we are now separated; he often cited my weight as a problem for him and justified his mistreatment of me and his cheating by saying that I deserved it for being fat. There are a lot of things I don't like about myself, but I accept most of them. The main one I don't accept is my weight and I've been wanting to get in shape for some time. So, instead of obsessing about my failing relationship, and worrying about failing out of grad school because I'm depressed, and eating to avoid dealing with my emotions, I'm trying to be honest and make a real effort.

I managed to lose about 28 pounds. Then, I gained 10 back because I fell into my old bad habits of eating candy and pasta to numb my emotions. I realized that I have to confront both demons at the same time or I won't succeed -- both my weight problem and my poor strategies at coping with depression need to be dealt with, like now. So....here I am, again.

I spend most of my time between Los Angeles and Houston. I'm hoping to chart my progress in this thread. I hope that's the best way to stay involved. Or, is it better to start new threads each time? Or, should we be doing that in a journal instead of a thread?

Anyway, hello again everyone! I'm starting at 176 today. I turn 34 tomorrow. My first mini-goal is to get to 166.
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11/10 (194). 6/11 (188). 7/11 (178). 11/11 (165). 1/12 (174). 3/12 (175). 4/12 (172). 5/12 (178). Now: 7/14 I'm 188.

Mini-Goal 1: (-10 pounds = 178) --
Mini Goal 2: (-20 pounds = 168) --
Goal Weight: (-23 pounds = 165) --
Eventual Goal Weight: 150 -- someday



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Old 01-20-2012, 05:39 PM   #2
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Default Things I'm trying at the moment

I'm sort of tip-toeing around my fitness campaign to make sure I'm strong enough and able to sustain some discipline. I've been an emotional wreck and failing at this would really mess me up, so I'm taking small risks, a little at a time. Not sure if this is a good idea, but, that's where I'm starting because it's what I can manage.

I'm walking every day, 45 minutes or more. Once I sort out some bureaucratic stuff in the next week, I'll be going to the gym 2 times a week to start, slowly moving up to 3 and then 4 times.

I've stopped putting sugar in my coffee and tea and reduced intake of caffeine from 6 cups to 2 cups in a day.

I'm trying to eat breakfast every day, just something small like wheat toast and by next week, I'll start adding eggs. I'm usually bad at this and eat one large meal late at night rather than spacing things out.

I'm tapering off of the bad snacks like candy. I eat candy or chips when I'm feeling sad. Lately, I've had lots of reasons for being sad. So, I'm trying to cut out this habit by being aware of what I'm consuming and tracking how often I'm able to resist my sugar addiction.

I'm taking phentermine as a diet aid. It helped my sister and it's helped me in the past, so I'm taking the risk and doing it.

And, I'm trying to limit the carbs I take in during a day and increase protein. I love salads and am having those for lunch, when I can be disciplined enough to eat lunch, and will add lean chicken or turkey once I manage to find a grocery store (moved in to a new place, no car atm, haven't found a grocer yet, so I've been buying lean cuisine from the corner market for 2 meals a day while I settle in).

I know this isn't an aggressive approach, but I'm hoping to take small steps so that I can keep up the change and stay committed. Advice or comments?
__________________
11/10 (194). 6/11 (188). 7/11 (178). 11/11 (165). 1/12 (174). 3/12 (175). 4/12 (172). 5/12 (178). Now: 7/14 I'm 188.

Mini-Goal 1: (-10 pounds = 178) --
Mini Goal 2: (-20 pounds = 168) --
Goal Weight: (-23 pounds = 165) --
Eventual Goal Weight: 150 -- someday


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Old 01-20-2012, 05:47 PM   #3
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I'm sorry to hear that your husband cheated on you. By seeing here what he told you, I think he's an a-hole, sorry about that! And you've made the right decision about making a real effort, instead of worrying. I know you can do it! I wish you the best luck!
And I will follow your progress for sure, I think writing about your progress in this same thread is fine, though it's your choice (:
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Old 01-20-2012, 06:03 PM   #4
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I'm sorry to hear that your husband cheated on you. By seeing here what he told you, I think he's an a-hole, sorry about that! And you've made the right decision about making a real effort, instead of worrying. I know you can do it! I wish you the best luck!
And I will follow your progress for sure, I think writing about your progress in this same thread is fine, though it's your choice (:
Thanks, damiilya. I agree that he acted like a jerk. I kind of fell apart after that and had a sort of a breakdown, but, now I'm trying to find my strength again. And, I've realized that my weight is actually a problem for me, too. If it wasn't a sticking point for me, it wouldn't have bothered me when he used it to defend himself. So, I'm trying to be someone I can be proud of being and hoping to strengthen myself regardless of what he thinks or whether or not we can fix our problems. I'm glad to be doing this for me, instead of feeling like I'm doing it to try to earn his good graces.
__________________
11/10 (194). 6/11 (188). 7/11 (178). 11/11 (165). 1/12 (174). 3/12 (175). 4/12 (172). 5/12 (178). Now: 7/14 I'm 188.

Mini-Goal 1: (-10 pounds = 178) --
Mini Goal 2: (-20 pounds = 168) --
Goal Weight: (-23 pounds = 165) --
Eventual Goal Weight: 150 -- someday


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Old 01-20-2012, 07:22 PM   #5
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WELCOME...You are stronger than you know (I can tell from what you've survived)!!!! Cheering you on to goal
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Old 01-20-2012, 09:06 PM   #6
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Welcome back!....I know this must be a difficult time for you right now and you'll have some lows but remember you will not always feel the pain you're going through right now. Eventually... it will pass and only make you a stronger woman. If your husband blames you for cheating and mistreating you because of your weight then it sounds like you're better off without him.
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Old 01-20-2012, 09:08 PM   #7
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Old 01-21-2012, 10:00 AM   #8
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Happy birthday, NeonZ! It's a new year and a good time for you to LOVE YOURSELF and take care of you.

I'm an academic too, and I identified with the dissertation/deskbound/need to exercise recounted in your blog (although the diss was a while back for me). Your small steps sound really reasonable; are you also talking to a therapist about depression issues? (There is a forum on 3FC, as you probably know, for Chicks dealing w/depression.) The whole food/comfort/love thing can be overwhelming. Fortunately, on here we have each other : )
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Old 01-22-2012, 08:21 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by neon_zephyr View Post
Thanks, damiilya. I agree that he acted like a jerk. I kind of fell apart after that and had a sort of a breakdown, but, now I'm trying to find my strength again. And, I've realized that my weight is actually a problem for me, too. If it wasn't a sticking point for me, it wouldn't have bothered me when he used it to defend himself. So, I'm trying to be someone I can be proud of being and hoping to strengthen myself regardless of what he thinks or whether or not we can fix our problems. I'm glad to be doing this for me, instead of feeling like I'm doing it to try to earn his good graces.
You're totally right! No matter what he thinks, you do what you find right for yourself to do.
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Old 01-24-2012, 10:56 PM   #10
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free1 -- Thank you. I fell apart for a while, but I'm trying to get back on my feet. Not sure what will happen with my ruined marriage, but I'm trying not to give in to the bad habits that got me feeling so low in the first place. I've been trying pretty actively to project strength in the hopes that it will actually manifest itself.

fat 2 fabulous -- Thank you. It is true that our difficulties and struggles can help strengthen us if we learn from them. I hope to do that!

Thanks for the birthday wishes, everyone!

guynna -- Good to see a fellow academic. I hope I can get through the diss. and defense in one piece and shed some pounds while I'm at it. I'm hoping that the small steps will help me gain discipline and that the discipline will prevent me from comfort eating. I've been talking to a therapist (after things fell apart, I needed one), and so I'm slowly working through the many issues that have led me to this point, I hope. I tried out the depression forum, too, but it didn't stick; maybe I'll try it out again. It is definitely nice to find support and community on here. I didn't really feel connected to forums until I started frequenting one for spouses who had been betrayed; I feel like I have a better understanding of how to participate in a forum both as a supporter and as a person in need of support now. It made me want to come back to 3FC because I've always liked reading people's posts here. What's your field?

damiilya -- Thanks for the supportive words!
__________________
11/10 (194). 6/11 (188). 7/11 (178). 11/11 (165). 1/12 (174). 3/12 (175). 4/12 (172). 5/12 (178). Now: 7/14 I'm 188.

Mini-Goal 1: (-10 pounds = 178) --
Mini Goal 2: (-20 pounds = 168) --
Goal Weight: (-23 pounds = 165) --
Eventual Goal Weight: 150 -- someday



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Old 01-24-2012, 10:58 PM   #11
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So, on my birthday, I cheated on my diet. I ate deep dish pizza, sat by the fireplace, and read a novel. However, I also made time to walk two miles, carrying groceries for half of that distance. I made sure to buy fresh produce and fruit, not a bunco of frozen things. And, the next day, I walked four miles, just to get a little exercise in.
I also indulged in some birthday chocolate (my roommates gave me Belgian Chocolates and I as feeling blue enough to want the serotonin boost), but I did not buy or eat any cake. So, I'm building some awareness at least and recognizing when I'm doing something deviant. That's the first step toward breaking the habits, I hope. I hope I'm starting this 34th year out a little better by compensating for the poor choices that I recognize.

Life's been up and down for me the past few days. Some days, I feel okay and able to accept the obstacles in my path and other days I feel defeated and like I want to give up. I tried blocking out my feelings to stay positive and motivated, but that makes me want sugary things like lattes and cookies, or it makes me restless and unable to sleep properly. I avoided the urge to sweeten my coffee, thankfully. But, I couldn't sleep much last night. I'm thinking that learning dietary discipline will largely be about managing my stress and emotions. So I guess I'm writing a little about both, here.

Today was a good day for writing; I got a few notes for my revision done, talked to the editor of a press about my forthcoming book, and started a collaboration with a classical musical composer for a public performance later this semester. It was also a sad personal day because I miss my EH (estranged husband) and wanted to tell him about the good news and couldn't. However, tonight, I'm going to go get a foot massage tonight to relieve my stress and have a lean pocket for a small late dinner, instead of anything heavy enough to make me sleep.

I got some paperwork sorted out so I should be able to start going to the gym again on Thursday. I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm aiming for just an hour on the elliptical to see how well I handle it.
__________________
11/10 (194). 6/11 (188). 7/11 (178). 11/11 (165). 1/12 (174). 3/12 (175). 4/12 (172). 5/12 (178). Now: 7/14 I'm 188.

Mini-Goal 1: (-10 pounds = 178) --
Mini Goal 2: (-20 pounds = 168) --
Goal Weight: (-23 pounds = 165) --
Eventual Goal Weight: 150 -- someday



Last edited by neon_zephyr : 01-24-2012 at 11:02 PM.
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Old 01-25-2012, 12:40 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by neon_zephyr View Post
So, on my birthday, I cheated on my diet. I ate deep dish pizza, sat by the fireplace, and read a novel. However, I also made time to walk two miles, carrying groceries for half of that distance. I made sure to buy fresh produce and fruit, not a bunco of frozen things. And, the next day, I walked four miles, just to get a little exercise in.
I also indulged in some birthday chocolate (my roommates gave me Belgian Chocolates and I as feeling blue enough to want the serotonin boost), but I did not buy or eat any cake. So, I'm building some awareness at least and recognizing when I'm doing something deviant. That's the first step toward breaking the habits, I hope. I hope I'm starting this 34th year out a little better by compensating for the poor choices that I recognize.

Life's been up and down for me the past few days. Some days, I feel okay and able to accept the obstacles in my path and other days I feel defeated and like I want to give up. I tried blocking out my feelings to stay positive and motivated, but that makes me want sugary things like lattes and cookies, or it makes me restless and unable to sleep properly. I avoided the urge to sweeten my coffee, thankfully. But, I couldn't sleep much last night. I'm thinking that learning dietary discipline will largely be about managing my stress and emotions. So I guess I'm writing a little about both, here.

Today was a good day for writing; I got a few notes for my revision done, talked to the editor of a press about my forthcoming book, and started a collaboration with a classical musical composer for a public performance later this semester. It was also a sad personal day because I miss my EH (estranged husband) and wanted to tell him about the good news and couldn't. However, tonight, I'm going to go get a foot massage tonight to relieve my stress and have a lean pocket for a small late dinner, instead of anything heavy enough to make me sleep.

I got some paperwork sorted out so I should be able to start going to the gym again on Thursday. I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm aiming for just an hour on the elliptical to see how well I handle it.
It's okay to cheat, especially because it was your birthday! I actually 'cheat' everyday, haha. I eat whatever I want, in moderation. And it's good that you also spend some time to walk as well!

I have the same problem, actually (and I think a lot of other people too), about staying positive on the diet/lifestyle change. Because sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and don't really see a lot of change (I do feel it in the clothes though) and get really upset and think: why am I even doing that? It won't help anyway. But I'm totally wrong and I know that, so even if I'm very grumpy about that, I still control myself because I know that later I'll be proud about the fact that I controlled my cravings and so.

And what kind of book are you writing? Is it like a fiction book or something??
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Old 01-25-2012, 01:56 PM   #13
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It's okay to cheat, especially because it was your birthday! ...

I eat whatever I want, in moderation. ...

Because sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and don't really see a lot of change...

...I know that later I'll be proud about the fact that I controlled my cravings and so.

And what kind of book are you writing?
I agree that it's okay to cheat sometimes in the diet, especially because otherwise, when things get too strict, a lifestyle change feels less possible because we focus on deprivation instead of on the reality of self-awareness of the body and how we shape it. I don't feel terrible about it, but, admitting my choices helps me to be honest with myself about them.

I also get frustrated when I don't *see* the change. And, yet, being in control is good reward on its own; I agree with you there, too! Moderation is a learned mechanism, I think, and has different positive feelings associated with it from what binging provides with its immediate gratification and lingering guilt. Moderation and control seem to be crucial things in managing weight and stress, I think....

I threw out about 1/3 of my wardrobe because it was too big. I'll do it again later when I get to the next weight platform, I hope. Getting to wear smaller clothes has felt like a reward and an incentive at once. Sometimes, we can feel in our clothes what we don't recognize in our images.

I do write fiction and essays, but I am primarily a poet and the project I referred to is actually poetry.
__________________
11/10 (194). 6/11 (188). 7/11 (178). 11/11 (165). 1/12 (174). 3/12 (175). 4/12 (172). 5/12 (178). Now: 7/14 I'm 188.

Mini-Goal 1: (-10 pounds = 178) --
Mini Goal 2: (-20 pounds = 168) --
Goal Weight: (-23 pounds = 165) --
Eventual Goal Weight: 150 -- someday



Last edited by neon_zephyr : 01-25-2012 at 01:58 PM.
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Old 01-25-2012, 07:16 PM   #14
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hi NeonZ -- it sounds like you did really well on your birthday; good for you! I envy that "walked a few miles," as I am struggling to heal inflammation in *both* Achilles tendons right now -- urgghhhh!

I'm in rhet/comp and also write creative nonfiction. Is your diss a collection of poetry? I'd love to see some of your work.

I've lost about 25 pounds and can feel it in my clothes, but it's such a looooong process that sometimes you (I!) begin to think "why am I doing this again??!"

Hang in there, west coast girl. You can do it. : ) (And, academic life will be healthier in the long run if you establish those good habits now --- you'll be spending a lot of time at a desk!!!)
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Old 01-26-2012, 09:34 PM   #15
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hi NeonZ -- it sounds like you did really well on your birthday; good for you! I envy that "walked a few miles," as I am struggling to heal inflammation in *both* Achilles tendons right now -- urgghhhh!

I'm in rhet/comp and also write creative nonfiction. Is your diss a collection of poetry? I'd love to see some of your work.

I've lost about 25 pounds and can feel it in my clothes, but it's such a looooong process that sometimes you (I!) begin to think "why am I doing this again??!"

Hang in there, west coast girl. You can do it. : ) (And, academic life will be healthier in the long run if you establish those good habits now --- you'll be spending a lot of time at a desk!!!)
guynna -- How did you end up with inflammation of the Achilles Tendon? It sounds unpleasant and I hope you feel better soon! In the meantime, it's probably a good thing that you're resting your legs to recover!

25lb is a great weight loss. I know what you mean that sometimes, it feels like it will take forever! I was on a roll once I'd lost 28 as I was feeling motivated and had dropped a number of sizes. Unfortunately, I fell off the wagon for a while and gained ten back, so getting back to the original -28 from the now -18 feels extra grueling because it's like a repeat!

It is definitely true that one must make time for the good habits or the academic desk will suck us in and keep us there! I stopped paying attention to my body for a number of reasons (more to do with emotional issues than laziness or neglect), but it's time to change that because I really do know better!

My diss is a collection of poetry and a collection of criticism of contemporary poetry (two books; joint PhD in lit and creative writing). I have been wanting to study creative nonfiction for a long time and never had a chance to. Can you recommend any great books? I'd love to read your work sometime, too. Perhaps one of these days, we can swap stuff to read.
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11/10 (194). 6/11 (188). 7/11 (178). 11/11 (165). 1/12 (174). 3/12 (175). 4/12 (172). 5/12 (178). Now: 7/14 I'm 188.

Mini-Goal 1: (-10 pounds = 178) --
Mini Goal 2: (-20 pounds = 168) --
Goal Weight: (-23 pounds = 165) --
Eventual Goal Weight: 150 -- someday


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