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Old 12-09-2002, 11:25 PM   #1
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Default Scotch and Humour

Yes Ellis and Den-you asked for you got it -the Scotch and Humour is back !

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is and endless struglle full of frustrations, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of chocolate can make a person gain five pounds.

I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it somehow shrinks two sizes.

Age is important only if you are cheese or wine.

Is it a coincidence that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards?
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Old 12-10-2002, 07:15 AM   #2
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Aaaaaaaah! Home sweet home. Thank you, Mauvais. I DO like a little scotch with my humour.
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Old 12-10-2002, 02:30 PM   #3
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It's even good with humor!
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Old 12-10-2002, 02:44 PM   #4
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Below are some letters to God from Children.

Dear God,
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Ginny

Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Joyce

Dear Mr. God,
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet

Dear God,
If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
Denise

Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am).

Dear God,
I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison

Dear God,
How did you know you were God?
Charlene

Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
Anita

Dear God,
I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan

Dear God:
Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother.
Darla

Dear God,
I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones.
Glenn

Dear God,
My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan

Dear God,
It's O.K. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes?
Arnold

Dear God,
Did you mean for giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

Dear God,
In bible times did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

Dear God,
What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything.
Jane

Dear God,
How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?
Seymour

Dear God,
Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year.
Peter

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry

Dear God,
I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet. Don't forget.
Mark

Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
Dean

Dear God,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right.
Marsha

Dear God,
If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
Mickey D.

Dear God,
Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through business?
Donny

Dear God,
In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on Vacation?
Jane

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God.
Charles

Dear God,
It is great the way you always get the Stars in the right places.
Jeff

Dear God,
I am doing the best I can.
Frank

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool.
Eugene
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Last edited by katrinabgood : 12-10-2002 at 02:47 PM.
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Old 12-10-2002, 03:09 PM   #5
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Well if you MUST spell humour that way!!

I love the one about "who puts the lines around the countries".
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Old 12-10-2002, 03:55 PM   #6
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I like the one about the sunset!!!
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Old 12-10-2002, 04:08 PM   #7
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We are heading into a purple and orange sunset right now. I liked that one too, Den.
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Old 12-16-2002, 05:59 PM   #8
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Man's five most feared questions:
1.. What are you thinking about?
2.. Do you love me?
3.. Do I look fat?
4.. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5.. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below along with possible responses.

Question 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
1.. Nothing
2.. Football
3.. Jennifer Lopez
4.. How fat you are
5.. How would I spend the insurance money if you died

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."

Question 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is necessary: "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
1.. Oh yeah, sh*t loads
2.. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
3.. That depends on what you mean by love
4.. Does it matter
5.. Who, me?

Question 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
1.. Compared to what?
2.. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
3.. A little extra weight looks good on you.
4.. I've seen fatter.
5.. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Incorrect responses include:
1.. Yes, but you have a better personality
2.. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
3.. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
4.. Define "pretty"
5.. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat".)
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.
WOMAN: ...silence...
MAN: Sh*t.
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Old 12-16-2002, 10:52 PM   #9
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Okay, I told DH that if I die first I WANT him to find someone else. But I also told him that if he brought a date to my funeral i would haunt him FOREVER (especially when he is having sex!!)
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Old 12-17-2002, 07:58 AM   #10
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heh heh. That's good, Squeak.
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Old 12-17-2002, 11:20 PM   #11
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A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young
man.

The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what
are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's
accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God
will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,
the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news
is he thinks I'm God."
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"Wouldn't it be wonderful to take all the evil people and put them over there, then we wouldn't have to deal with them. And all of us good people would stay right here. The problem is that the line separating good and evil cuts right through the human heart." Alexander Solzenitzen
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Old 12-18-2002, 05:09 PM   #12
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HAHAHA!!!!
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Old 12-18-2002, 10:38 PM   #13
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I think I may have already posted this. But what the heck...


This guy was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! "I'm putting on my *ucking shoes."
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"Wouldn't it be wonderful to take all the evil people and put them over there, then we wouldn't have to deal with them. And all of us good people would stay right here. The problem is that the line separating good and evil cuts right through the human heart." Alexander Solzenitzen
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Old 01-03-2003, 07:29 AM   #14
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"
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"Wouldn't it be wonderful to take all the evil people and put them over there, then we wouldn't have to deal with them. And all of us good people would stay right here. The problem is that the line separating good and evil cuts right through the human heart." Alexander Solzenitzen
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Old 01-03-2003, 07:34 AM   #15
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a
good example. Nothing worked.

Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled
back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the refrigerator freezer.

For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream...
then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior."

John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
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"Wouldn't it be wonderful to take all the evil people and put them over there, then we wouldn't have to deal with them. And all of us good people would stay right here. The problem is that the line separating good and evil cuts right through the human heart." Alexander Solzenitzen
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