TOO FUNNY!!!! Kat, you need someone to ask, "How are you doing?" 2 seconds after slamming the refrigerator door on your breast!!!! (I just had a mammogram Monday night!!!)
Ellis-The bar joke is a SCREAM!!! I love it!! I told a few people tonight (DH being one of them) and HE looked like he was going to throw up!!!
Yeah, I love it, too. It drives me nuts when I see people leaving a public bathroom without washing their hands. I feel like calling out, "Umm, excuse me?! Did you forget something!?"
It's one of the main reasons I hate shaking hands with people. You just never know where the **** those hands have been.
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first
Class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took a tissue, gently
wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently in her seat.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes passed. The woman sneezed again, took a tissue,
Gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently in her seat.
The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time.
Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered
violently.
The man had finally had all he could handle. He turned to the
Woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, you've taken a tissue and
wiped your nose, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
The woman replied, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare
Condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious
And said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
Disclaimer: No offense is intended to any Christians!
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem."
>"What's the problem Eve?"
>"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
>"And why is that Eve?"
>"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
>"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
>"Man? What is that Lord?"
>"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he is aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and
>will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
>"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"
>"Well.....you can have him on one condition."
>"And what's that Lord?"
>"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring.....so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret. You know, woman to woman."
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the grandkids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The grandkids will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims, and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.
In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit in a separate room. ... Next door.
Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your brother in the head with warm tasty bread.
Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all of you who won't be showing up at our house on Thanksgiving Day!
Thursday, November 21, 2002
" R.I.P. "
Please join in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday from a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as someone who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Happy Thanksgiving!
