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Old 08-28-2002, 10:10 AM   #1
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Default Scotch and humour

Topic: The more Scotch you drink the funnier you are or the funnier you are the more Scotch you drink? Discuss...
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Old 08-28-2002, 02:26 PM   #2
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Both are true for me. Just don't give me a third brandy or I will be down on the floor communicating with the dogs!

Here's a clip I picked up snooping elsewhere.....

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline!)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for awhile became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

roflolpimp!

AND, IF THIS IS NOT FUNNY TO YOU, DRINK MORE SCOTCH!
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Old 08-28-2002, 03:35 PM   #3
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Thank you. I have to dry the tears of laughter off my keyboard before it short curcuits!
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Old 08-28-2002, 06:56 PM   #4
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I can't believe that Sorry, but if that happened to me I probably would have had to satisfy my gory yet insatiable curiousity and pulled my hand away from my head to look at it!
oooh! aah! ribs hurting We weep for this woman but our tears are from laughter (in best SNL Hanz and Franz Austrian accent)
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Old 08-28-2002, 09:40 PM   #5
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Too funny!!

By the way Mauvais.....I am NOT a MARMITE JUNKIE!!! I CAN QUIT ANY TIME I WANT TO!!! I just don't see the point since it is so healthy and wonderful, and maybe I'll just try to cut back a bit first.......
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Old 08-28-2002, 10:16 PM   #6
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Well I think I am funnier when I drink Scotch or mabe I just look funny
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Old 08-29-2002, 02:55 PM   #7
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A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said" Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."


Last edited by mauvaisroux : 08-29-2002 at 05:59 PM.
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Old 08-31-2002, 12:37 AM   #8
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There's a moth in here the size of an effing bird. Ruth, could you come and get it out of my house before it becomes entangled in my tangled tresses.

Oh my gosh... I just read the posts... THAT'S HILARIOUS!!!! Both of them...
gotta get upstairs before this friggin' moth eats me...
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Old 09-01-2002, 11:34 AM   #9
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A guy walked into a fancy bar, several floors up in a posh hotel. He saw at one end of the bar a man down a shot of tequila and then get up from his seat and leap out of the window. Shaken, the first guy went to the window and looked out, but there was no sign of trouble at all.

While he puzzled over this, the tequila drinker walked in through the front door of the bar, took his seat, and ordered another. The bartender served him, and again he downed it in a gulp and leapt out the window to what should have been a certain death. Again there was no sign of him, and again he walked in through the front door of the bar a few minutes later and started to repeat the pattern.

The first guy was baffled, so he approached the tequila drinker and said, "Excuse me, but I just saw you leap out of the window after taking a shot of tequila, not once but twice, and you didn't die! What is going on!?"


"Well," smiled the tequila drinker, "this is a very *special* tequila, and when I drink it, it fills me with a warm glow and a kind of buoyancy, so I alight gently upon the ground with no trouble at all."

The first guy was amazed and agreed that he must try this, so he ordered the same kind of tequila, gulped down the shot, leapt out of the window, and fell immediately to his death.

The bartender, who had been observing the whole scene, looked balefully at the second man and said, "You sure can be an a$$hole when you're drunk, Superman."
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Old 09-02-2002, 09:26 PM   #10
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Old 09-02-2002, 10:00 PM   #11
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This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank cheque to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit.

I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. "So...I switched the heads"
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Old 09-03-2002, 09:36 AM   #12
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Oh Ellis that is gross!
But very funny! I am not a scotch drinker, but was being nosey. Now I will just come for the jokes!
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Old 09-03-2002, 12:53 PM   #13
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I'm passing that one on to my pal David Scotland who runs the funeral home in Elgin. It could save him a lot of trouble. ROFLOLPIMP!
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Old 09-06-2002, 07:22 AM   #14
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Default I hope this isn't considered too dirty.

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She soon married again and had 7 more children.
Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this
time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to
the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman
who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."

In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally
together."

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked,
"Do you think he means her first, second or third
husband?"

The neighbor replied, "I think he means her legs."
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Old 09-06-2002, 08:46 AM   #15
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Ya nut! HArry wants to know why I am cracked up!
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