86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank
by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By
my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between
his presenting the check and the arrival in my account
of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to
the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only
eight years. You are to be commended for seizing
that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my
account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner
in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I
try to contact you, I am confronted by
the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to
deal with a flesh-and- blood person. My mortgage and loan
repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee
at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for
any other person to open such an envelope. Please find
attached an Application Contact which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to
eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative..
Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,
debts,assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I
will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me.. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it
on the number of button presses required of me to access
my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
#5... To transfer the call to my toilet in case
I am attending to nature.
#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a
message on my computer, a password to access my
computer is required.. Password will be communicated to you at a
later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.. While this
may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so
slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman
YA JUST GOTT LOVE US SENIORS" !!!!! )
And remember: Don't make old People mad. We don't like
being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much
to set us off.