This is soooooooooo funny......wanted to share! Phyllis
Dear Diary,
For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training at the local
health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a
high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a
good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with
a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim
wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY :
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get
out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health
club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek
goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did
my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY :
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY :
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying
the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over
it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long
as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little t oo perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the **** would anyone invent
a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
some other **** too.
THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to find me. Then, as
punishment, she put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
FRIDAY :
I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little cheerleader! If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted
me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't
want dents in the floor, don't hand me the Damn barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. The
treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching 11
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter Rachel (the little snot) will choose a gift for me that is fun
- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me
to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!=
Oh PHYLLIS that is absolutely hilarious . . . I'm sure I wouldn't have made it to Wednesday before I hated Belinda . . .
LYNN . . . after I read your post earlier today, I went hunting for my copy of the Ornish book (circa 1990 edition; don't know if there is a later one or not) which I had kept because of some of the recipes; which are very low fat. I have never actually tried the diet and, IMHO it is NOT particularly diabetes friendly. It is a vegetarian plan (but not vegan) and is 10% fat; 70 to 75% carbs; 15 to 20% protein. It excludes all oils and all animal products, including dairy (except nonfat milk, nonfat yogurt, and egg white). It also excludes all nuts and seeds. If you really want to look into, I'd suggest getting it from the library and definitely discussing it with your doctor before trying it because of the high carb intake (from good sources, mind you) it recommends.
Have a good everning girls. . . see you soon . . .
Hi Zoe, glad you had a good time with your sister. I LOVE your photos. You're looking GREAT!
Hi LindaD, sounds like a busy, but fun, weekend. Enjoy!
Hi Phyllis, I guess every gym has a Belinda. Very cute - thanks for sharing.
Hi Linda (Meowee), Guess I won't do Ornish. Thank you for the info.
The antibiotics are still making me feel "yucky." I'm hoping my car will be ready for me to pick up today. The rental car has a reall heavy smoke smell & makes me more sick when I get into it.
Not enough hours in the day to do what I HAVE to do, much less what I WANT to do...like spending time here!
Just a couple of personals...Zoe, looks like it was a great trip! and Happy Happy Belated BD Joanne!
Quickly...I tried something "new" yesterday for dinner that I thought I would share. I made Lasagna, but instead of noodles used eggplant. Sliced the (peeled) eggplant thin and roasted it in the oven with evoo,salt, pepper. Was in a hurry so used Emeril's garlic pasta sauce (only 1g. sugar!)...used very lean ground meat and then layered like "regular"..meat and sauce mixture, recotta cheese, eggplant, mozzarella cheese. It was fabulous and my (skinny) husband filled up 2 plates with it. Give it a try. Hard to stay with one portion, so I had some for breakfast this morning.
Hugs to everyone!
Last edited by femmecreole; 10-11-2007 at 08:10 AM.
A cool October morning here. Finally had to pull out a jacket this am. I'm having a tough week food-wise. Lots of meetings with pizza and cookies both in and after work. When it's there i eat it. Arggh. Have been trying to exericse more minutes to make up for some of it.
Phyllis - thanks for the laugh.
Zoe - I second all of the previous notes - you look really great. Glad you had a fun week.
Lynn - hope you are feeling better soon. Have a relaxing weekend.
Cat - Thanks for the recipe..it sounds like it might be like eggplant parmesean - but w/o the frying of the eggplant slices. I'll try it.
LindaD - Wow, what a weekend you have planned. me too actually. Some friends and I are renting a limo to go on a wine tour in the finger lakes on Saturday and then I'm having company for dinner on Sunday. Eating healthy will be a challenge.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend
1. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
2. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
3. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
4. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Ponderisms
1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
3. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
4. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
5. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
6. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
7. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
8, Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
9. Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
10. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
11. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
12. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
13. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
14. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
But Most Of All, Remember !
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
Hello girls
just a short note to let you know...I am thinking of you. Even If I am not posting on the regular web site much anymore.
I did quite the new job, I am going back to the old one for now. THEY called me. Asked me to please come back. Some little birdy told them I quit. I start next tuesday. My days off. Sunday and monday. About 3 hrs per day. Might just see if its enough to keep up. (hubby just got a good raise.)
Zoe,
its so good to see ya back.
Glad to see you had such a great vacation. I am sooo jeulous. To spend that much time with a family member. I wish I could spend a week with my 2 older sisters. One lives in Florida. So That won't happen soon. The other one... seems busy most of the time. But I am calling her tonight. I do talk to them on the phone very often. So thats at least one good thing. Great pics, you look Marvalus Darling.
Joanne,
Congrats!!! and Happy Birthday.
The proposal must be one the most romantic ones I have seen in year.
Lynn
hope you are feeling better soon. Good luck with the Dentist.
Bobby,
good luck with the house. Wish I lived close by. WE would buy it in a heart beat.
well I really need to get off here, need to help with the grand baby.
hugs
Morning GOLDEN GIRLS First a big hi to everyone -- glad to see you back Zoe - I miss you!!! Karen and Phyllis thanks for the giggles. And a HUGE for all the birthday wishes!!!!!
Of course I am still walking on clouds about the engagement -- and trying to work out a budget for the wedding. Now it is a year away but we have the trip to Maui in Jan and plans to redo the room downstairs -- there wasn't supposed to be money for a wedding -- so I have to see how much this will cost and plan accordingly. I found a online helper and moved the list to a spreadsheet -- then deleted about 70% of the items -- certainly don't need limosine money or bridesmaid dresses etc etc.
On the other good news side I got the results from my biopsy and its a chronic condition but its not cancer. I have to go back and he will exam me one more time and see what sort of treatment he needs to prescribe -- phew!!! I am doing my best to eat right and I went back to my first exercise class yesterday. I am still suffering from the pinched nerve and there is a lot of pain but some of the stuff we did yesterday felt fabulous -- other stuff I had to NOT do at all LOL. I am going to attend my definition class today but I was advised not to use any weights. My instructor said to work on my technique and just do the motions - she knows of what she is talking about so I will follow her advice. I am also doing a set point on the weekend for a fitness challenge. We have a mountain climb near us called the Coquitlam Crunch. I have done portions of it over the years but never top to bottom. My goal is to do it to the top in 6 months. So we are going to start at the bottom on Saturday and go up as high as I feel good -- take it a bit farther and then see where I am in another month and so on. Wish me luck.
So to everyone I sure hope to get back to normal soon posting -- I am reading everything and I need to see all your successes to help me move on with mine. Lyn I just love seeing your ticker firmly entrenched in Onderland!!!
Not much going on here at work so I'm listening to Bon Jovi and reading the posts. I'm staying on program and anxious to weigh on Monday to see how much I've lost. I only weigh twice a month. I used to weigh several times a day and was a real fanatic. I put the scales away for a long time and when I took them out again decided that twice a month would be enough.
Phyllis, very, very funny. Thanks for the laugh! Cat, your lasagna sounds excellent. Yum!.Karen, this is funny. I think I've seen it before but it's always good to read again for a chuckle. Joanne, so glad your tests came back okay and you can breath easy now.
Hi Girls, this is a farewell letter to you all. I'm dropping out for a couple of months until we can get MIL moved into her new assisted living apartment and we get move/home sold, etc. We are under so much stress and DH and I started bickering all the time. Funny, we've been married for 42 years and have always gotten along, but with all the stress lately, we fight lots. I'm not one to dump on friends like you and will not start, I'd rather come back will a clean slate and start over with whatever weight I am at the time. Please keep up the "Golden Girls" thread, we are a great bunch of gals. Please keep e-mailing me also, I would love you keep hearing from you all, God Bless. Bobbi
Below is my letter to the challenge: Hi Girlfriends!
I'm a very honest gal, put my weight down as it registers on the scale. As you all know, We've had the summer from H*ll. It has not ended. Now my MIL insisted that she leaves the nursing home and live in a assisted living apartment. Then she plans on leaving that to go to a regular (cheaper) apartment where the expense isn't so high. She is 87 years old, duh!!!!!!!!!!!! We got sick of her *****ing and will be moving her into a assistant living apartment next Wednesday. Did I forget to mention to you all that we had a auction the last Sunday of September (poured rain all day, 2 inches of rain) that we sold everything she owned? Now is are running all over several towns looking for a whole new set of home furnishing. New kitchen table/chairs, dishes & silverware, couch/rocker, end tables, coffee table, bedroom sets, blah, blah, blah. And we're dealing on a new townhome, (not a condo as I said before) The realtors were out today taking pictures, videos, and the sign went up in our country home today, "FOR SALE". So I'm just not able to keep up with our current challenge and I'm so sorry that I'm letting everyone down. But I just can't handle all this. Please forgive me for bailing out, someday down the way I'll get back into controlling my life style.
Bobbi, don't you feel bad at all!!! And come back and post when you get a minute here and there. And what is really funny is that I was just coming on now to post that with all that is going on that I thought that I would have to drop out of the callenge this month also. I have found it so hard to stay focused on my eating and exercise and when I don't get done what I wanted to I just get more frustrated. So at least for this month I think I will have to bow out of the challenge. I plan to try to change my eating to more of a South Beach style again. I did pretty good with that when we got back home from vacation in June.
We had a realtor out today and signed all the papers to list our house with them and it should be on the MLS by tomorrow evening. She is bringing out the For Sale signs and lockbox for the house tomorrow. She seemed fairly optimistic that we could have it sold before Christmas. So again, things are going to get pretty hectic and I have been so frustrated and laying awake at night thinking, can't seem to turn the mind off! I plan to keep posting and reading but think that for now the extra challenge is just a bit of stress that I can't seem to get a handle on this time. Good Luck to all of you though and I'll keep posting in our regular thread.
. . . computer is suffering from that "toilet-seat-disease" today
Hope you had a wonderful day.
for all the birthday wishes!!!!!
