DO you ever feel like the person who is supposed to support you most is actually trying to harm you? She's my best friend, has been for years, yet recently, I've noticed she's not only NOT supporting me in my weightloss, she's trying to make me gain weight.
THe other day, for instance, I had lunch with her. She chose a dim sum restaurant, so I decided, because she's my best friend, I'll be flexible with my diet and eat with her. Once we sit down and order 7 plates of dimsum (enough for 2 hungry people), she tells me she's already had lunch and this was all for me. I ended up eating it all because I lost control ( SUPER ashamed).
Other times when I try to eat healthy she reminds me of my painful past of anorexia. When I say, "I don't want to eat so much", she'll say "go ahead. You can go back to eating 4 crackers for the whole day again. You'll lose weight for sure." Then just to prove her wrong, I'll end up binge eating. I'm JUST recovering from binge eating disorder at this point in my life, so her comments really hurt.
I don't know how to deal with this. She understands me in almost everything else, but sometimes...I think she's out to harm me. I know its wrong to feel this way about my best friend, but I do. HELP!!!
Missy,
From what you've said so far, i think you just want someone to confirm that your freind is not treating you like a freind, at all, and SHE ISNT! The things she says to you are not even close to what a freind should be saying to you, especially in delicate situations like anorexia, and binge eating. I cant imagine what kinds of great qualities this freind has to balance out her abusive behavior, becuase i really cant imagine anything could keep me around that person. You deserve supports, trust and encouragement, and i hope you know that, and maybe will think of spending more time with friends who give you that.
It's not wrong to feel suspicious and angry with someone who is acting like this. This is NOT a friend.
I would sit down and have one good solid honest non-emotional heart-to-heart with her. Tell her exactly what you've said here and see what she says. She may just need a wake-up call -- I find people who don't have eating or weight problems are often just ignorant and/or thoughtless. If she swears it was unintentional and promises to shape up, I'd hold her feet to the fire every time she pulls out the Sabotage Wagon. You should know in a short stretch of time whether or not she's sincere in being your friend.
If she does not take you observations and concerns to heart, then DROP HER. It will be painful but it's best in the long run. You have to do what's right for YOU. You have to keep your own best interests in the forefront, rather than being (what someone else on these boards termed) a People-Pleasin' Fat Person.
Just as gaining sudden fame or wealth will teach you who your friends are, so will losing (or trying to lose) weight. You deserve to have true friends, and you are better off with NO friends than people who keep you around so they can use you to make themselves feel better or whatever. As they say, with friends like these, who needs enemies?
I feel differently here. I wouldn't say this doesn't mean she's not your friend. But it may mean she has issues of her own. Perhaps she is scared that you will lose the weight and receive all the attention or not want to be friends with her anymore. That you no longer eat what she does and so you'll stop hanging out together, etc.
You don't have to cease the friendship, but you can cease having lunch with her. Do only the things you enjoy together that DON'T involve food. If she still makes comments that make you feel bad, bring it up, tell her how she's making you feel. And if she still doesn't get it at that point, you may eventually have to break off contact for your own health.
I'll play devil's advocate and play the other side a little bit...was she around when you battled anorexia? Is it quite possible that she may be fearful of you returning to your harmful, anorexic habits? Just a thought. My aunt has struggled with anorexia and bulemia since I was a child, and it is very stressful for those around her to see her when she starts her extreme habits again.
It is also possible that she is jealous of your weight loss as well-but don't assume anything.
I suggest that you have a heart to heart talk with her. Tell her how you are feeling, and how she is making you feel. Explain to her that you love her, want to spend time with her running around, watching a movie, shopping-and what have you-but for the time being you do not want your meetings to revolve around food. Explain to her briefly that with spurts of anorexia as well as compulsive overeating, that you are trying to heal yourself of both issues and that you don't want to put yourself in a stressful situation. You wouldn't ask an alcaholic to meet you for a drink in a tavern...or a rehabilitated drug addict to meet you in some seedy joint-explain to her that with your issues with food (too much and not enough) that meeting in a restaurant right now is very stressful for you.
If she would like to meet you for a meal, meet at your home and make a beautiful tray of cut up fruits, and some nice seasoned chicken breast and iced tea. Make it a pleasant experience, but a healthy one for you to indulge in.
That was my point in suggesting a heart-to-heart -- give her a chance to hear what you've observed, how you feel about it, and give her a chance to respond and adjust.
However, lots and lots and lots of "friends" cannot handle it when a fat friend starts healthy eating and weight loss. Those are the friends to drop. Give them a chance first, obviously, and really communicate with them. If they don't change their tune, though, don't drag yourself down by keeping them around in the name of friendship, because it's not.
To me it sounds like you are the one that need to take some ownership of your choices. You ate the food she ordered...you went to a clearly unhealthy place without standing up for yourself? What is that about? I think it is more about making yourself a priority and less about her sabotaging your efforts.
At the end of the day, you are responsible for you. As we change and transform, so do our friendships. Do you leave encounters with her on a positive or negative note? If it is negative, they you are outgrowing the needs/benefits of that relationship.
Or..just hang out with her in non food situations and take the temptation out of the equation. Don't set yourself up for failure.
I dont think I can add much that hasnt already been said. I agree that you should either have a heart to heart talk with your friend or try your best to make your time together have nothing to do with food if at all possible.
I should really take my own advice on this one too. My situation isnt as extreme as yours seems to be, but my friend that seems to want me to fail happens to be my diet buddy. She is like a sister to me and she is at my house constantly so not eating around her is out of the question. Its really hard to talk to her about this because she gets really defensive about HER eating habits... she knows she hasnt been doing so well with her own diet and then she starts jumping on me for critisizing her. Most of the time I dont think she even realizes she is doing it. We have been spending a lot of time together lately and since she started being at my house ALL the time I have noticed that Im falling further behind.
I know I cant blame it ALL on her... I do take responsibility for not staying in control even when she is trying to drag me down with her...but it is very hard. She is planning to move closer to where I live and I know that when that happens I am going to have to break down and have a talk with her. Dr Phil says to get rid of these "friends" but sometimes it just isnt an option.
Anyway... I wish you good luck in finding a solution that fits your friendship. Whatever you do... dont let what she says or does make you give up!!! Take care!
When I first read this I thought maybe your friend just cares, until I read the part about the Dim Sum. She invited you to lunch, she ALREADY ate. Does that make sense to you. I'd have it out with her. If she had good intentions in mind, she'd recommend different type of restaurants or maybe just do something else. Why does everything have to be centered around food?
Seriously though I guess maybe just avoid the "food outings". I moan at my fiance cos we're always eating out and he gets fed up of having to eat my fries and unhealthy stuff I don't want! HA, he needs fattening up anyway!
I have a wierd friend who tries to do this to me too, she tells me I don't need to lose any more weight, I don't want to lose my curves, etc etc etc and it REALLY REALLY winds me up since she is like a RAKE! She's recently joined the Navy and gone from a bean pole where you can see her ribs to a bean pole where not only can you see her ribs, her hip bones stick WAY out over her jeans! And she thinks I should be taking it easy with the dieting! HELLLLLOOO....? Generally I ignore her about what she says about my weight, after all what does she know!?
I guess your friend isn't particularly in tune with your situation either. But after a big eating day (like yesterday when I saw said skinny friend...) I just take it a bit easier the day after and get on track! You can do this with or without your friend's help! Believe in yourself
My best friend is trying to fatten me up.
And she thinks I should be taking it easy with the dieting! HELLLLLOOO....? Generally I ignore her about what she says about my weight, after all what does she know!?
