[SmallSteps]

I became a widow on December 25, 2014. Since then I have gained 40 pounds of the previous 53 pounds I had lost. We had only been married for 3 months and had been together for 3 years.

I don't care about what I look like, just getting out of bed, going to work and coming home has been a struggle. I have no desire to work but since we had purchased a new car in October and moved into a new apartment on December 1st I have no choice. I am barely sleeping. I have no desire to exercise as this was something we always did together and I am physically and emotionally just to tired.

I am an emotional eater. For the last six months all I have ate is fast food, snack cakes, potato chips and I drink Pepsi by the gallon. This was something that I had learned to control in my previous weight loss journey, but with his death all control went out the window. Before his death I was drinking 100 ounces of water daily and now water is just something I bathe or swim in.

Today I made a conscious decision that it is time to make a change. I feel horrible, I look horrible and I am almost back to my starting weight from 2011. I said I would never be here again and yet here I am sitting looking at 300 pounds in the very near horizon.

I am sure there will be lots of stumbles, slip-ups and tears while I try to figure this process out again. I know I can do this I have done it before. I also know I can not do this without the support, friendship and love of you folks that are going through this weight loss journey also.

[lovemylife001]

SmallSteps, first let me say that I am very sorry for your loss. Losing someone that you love is devastating. I'm so proud of you for deciding to take control of your life.

I admire you strength and courage and would love to go on this Lifestyle change journey with you. I have already joined one of your challenges and look forward to many more

[berryblondeboys]

Smallsteps. I remember you and I send my deepest, deepest sympathies. That is a horrible, horrible loss and I'm so terribly sorry.

I too am here too, regaining everything I lost plus 8 pounds. It's a horrible feeling to know what I've done to my body (again). My reasons are vastly different from yours, but regain I did.

I don't know the circumstances of your husband's death, but I'm sure he would want the best for you and would want you to live healthfully and in peace, but anyone should be empathetic and understanding in where you are emotionally. Right now you have just been trying to cope. The healing it seems though, is beginning. Maybe in small steps, like your name, but that is all you need to do... One moment at a time.

Hugs to you - sincerely.

[Bonnie+J]

Oh sweetheart, I am so so sorry for your loss.

I wish you all the best, I have joined your Labour day challenge, I look forward to joining you on your journey.

[buckeyegal]

I echo the sorrow we all feel for your heart wrenching loss. We do what we have to do to get through such devastating heartbreak and you did what you had to do. I admire your courage just six months after becoming a widow to pick yourself up and start anew.

I have not experienced such a tragic loss like you to bring me to my rock bottom. I've hit the bottom and have nothing or no one to attribute my fall to but myself. My nighttime eating when I am not hungry, my "I'll start tomorrow" attitude, denial, not caring and every excuse known to mankind is why I have gained 70 lbs, lost it, gained it, lost it, etc. over the last 30 yrs.

How many more times can I do this? I am wrecking my health by not losing the weight and keeping it off. I have no decent clothes. I do not want to attend social functions with my DH because of my weight. He went to his class reunion this weekend alone because of this.

At my age I feel this is my last chance to regain some control in my life, lose the weight and live what time I have left as healthy as I can be.

My prayers and best wishes are for you, Small Steps, to rise up to a new beginning. I am joining you in this journey to find a healthy, happy life.

[MrsTryingAgain]

smallsteps

I cannot begin to express my sympathies to you. I have been with H since the fall of '88, I could not imagine. It seems at times to be too unbearable to even comprehend.

I find your courage amazing for wanting to try to improve yourself. It may actually help you in your healing, which is what I hope! You didn't say if you went through any sort of grief counseling. I did it when my dad, who I was thiscloseto, passed away very suddenly. It helped greatly & gave me tools to cope. Not saying it made everything flowers & sunshine again, but it did me good. I was able to find a free support group, you may want to look around for something like that if you haven't already.

I wish you the very best. Hope you come here often! It is a great place for encouragement/support & guidance. I'll keep you in my thoughts & prayers.

[Tai]

Smallsteps, I'm so sorry for your loss. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[SmallSteps]

Thank you ladies for your replies and your support. The last 6 months have been like a nightmare I can't wake up from. I hope coming back "home" will help me get myself back on track again.

I love you all.

[erowley]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss as well. Glad you are here.

Elaine

[robinm]

Smallsteps I am so sorry about the loss of your husband. I support you in making changes to heal your body and soul. We are right here with you!

[SmallSteps]

Thank you ladies. I am struggling right now, but I am still fighting.

[SmallSteps]

I had a horrible day. Now on any other horrible day I would have went completely off track and ate a gazillion calories but instead I took a couple of walks with my ipod.

I think I may be getting better at dealing with bad days with better behavior.

[SmallSteps]

So here I am again. It has been over a year and a half since I made the original post at the beginning of this thread. In that year and a half time I have dealt with my grief for the most part, I still and am sure I always will have bad days though. But emotionally I am a lot stronger.

I also had C6-C7 neck surgery in July 2016 which had almost a 3 month recovery time. My highest weight ever (305.6) was reached during that recovery time. I returned to work in October after being of work almost 4 months and I thought I would die, but again I rebuilt my strength slowly and finally got back to par.

Now it is finally time to deal with this weight for what I hope is the last time. I will be 50 years old in May and I do not want to go into my Senior years 150 pounds over weight. Right now my goal is to loss 50 pounds by my birthday which is May 9th.

It feels good to be back and I hope I as well as everyone else has major success with our journey!