[thirti4thirty]

A few months ago I made this thread about me and my chaotic relationship with my mum: ( updates were given in this same thread).

http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/depr...my-sorrow.html

This time when she told me she wanted to come, I said point blank: I NEED TO BE ALONE AND I WANT TO BE ALONE, SO PLEASE DON'T COME. I explained to her that it wasn't about her alone, but this is something I needed and I'd love her to be considerate to my feelings and respect my desire to be all by myself.

She said she's worried about me (I just had a heartbreak, in addition I'm clinically depressed) and that all she wanted was to come check on me and see for herself how I'm faring; then she'll leave the following day. Good enough I thought and agreed.

She's been here for ONE WEEK now, annoying the **** out of me ( lecturing me on how bad the T.V. Programs I watch are:mind you, I'm 31; making other family members come around together with their never ending drama)

Today I asked her to leave and told her how inconsiderate of my feelings she's proving to be. She's resorting to emotional blackmail again. She said she's there only to help me out and keep me company in my troubles.

I was getting ready to start a juice fast and was counting on my living alone to avoid all kinds of temptations. Meanwhile, she has again loaded my fridge from top to dowm! I have a few days left to start and I can't wait to see her leave!

My siblings and I have been discussing her and we realized that we have been thinking the same thing about her: she just want to be a parasite blood sucker on us. Every month, we give her a certain amount out of our salaries, so she's enjoying being retired and not having to work for money ( she's not getting her pension, never have, but that might be the subject of another thread altogether). We all came to the conclusion that the boredom in her life is what's driving her to create drama in the life of her kids...choosing one victim at a time. She says she comes and stays with me to help me but the real fact is that when she's alone in her house, idle the whole day, she doesn't like it.

We have, several times proposed to her to choose a business venture, or just an activity so we can fund it for her to be doing something 1) to keep her active 2) to allow her to make some money of her own and alleviate the financial burden she's being on us 3) to get her to have something she can focus on, so she can stop being so obsessed with our lives. She won't have any of that and prefers to live her life as a parasite on us, claiming she's too old to work.

Throughout this morning she's been trying to talk me out of sending her away, bringing up dozens of reasons why I should allow her bossing self to stay in my house. I haven't accepted but I'm feeling she's going to be sly about it and stay no matter what.

My question is...what else can I do to get her to leave? Because seriously apart from physically pushing her away, I can't see any solution. Please help me, I'm at the tight end!

Thanks for taking time and reading this.

[Wannabehealthy]

There's a lot going on here. It seems your mother has her own issues other than being too involved in your life. Without addressing any of those problems, you need to make sure you have a good lock on your doors, and not answer the door when she shows up. That sounds harsh, I know, but that's the only answer I can see to you not wanting her there. Once you open the door, she is there, and you have to deal with her. Once she knows you will not let her in, she will quit coming. There are a lot of things to be worked out, but that can be done with you in your home and her in hers.

[SenseAndSensibility]

Yeah she definitely sounds like she has problems of her own. I'm no counsellor or anything, but maybe this is something you should have a family meeting about. She's nitpicking your life for your "health" its time to turn the tables. Get your siblings together! Sit down and lovingly tall about how you're worried about her and her life!!! It will be hard for her to avoid if you do it as a group as long as its loving. Choose words carefully. "We're worried you aren't taking care of yourself" etc.

And, instead of having her over at your house, agree to meet her to do an activity. Then, when its done you can go your separate ways and don't have to worry about her lingering longer. Plus, it might be a way to get her hooked on activity and out and meeting her own friends.

Its important to spend time with your mom, but it sounds like its more important to get her to live her own life. It might be a way to help you on your weight loss journey too. "Let's meet at the park for a walk" or "let's try this zumba class together" etc.

I don't know if this will work but I'll be praying for you anyway!!!

[lettingslenderin]

When my mom was about 50 years old, she insisted that she was going to come and live with me. She was financially comfortable and did not need to work.

ETA: I just read your other thread. Sadly, I have read a lot on related subjects and I think your best starting place is "Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward. Please read it -- if you are only 30 something, your mom is young enough to work.

http://tinyurl.com/pgxj5ra

Back to my my own mom when she was 50 -- I told her that she could not come live with me. My mother was livid, furious, but I remained absolutely firm. I read the book "The Dance of Intimacy" which helped me get through it. I highly recommend it in your situation. Now my mom is 82 and she can come live with me if needed. But back then, she was just bored and manipulative.

http://tinyurl.com/l74ayk7

You may want to check to make sure your mom really is OK financially. The book basically says that when big relationships are changing, there might be a period of friction after a big change, where one party tries to prevent the change and insist on changing back. It explains how to get through that transition but still not change back.

If your mom is on a different level of difficulty, I suggest Toxic Parents, a classic in the field of difficult parents. http://tinyurl.com/pzffwaj

Good luck.

[shcirerf]

Tough to find a solution.

Just a suggestion, you and your sibs, take turns going to her community, and take/introduce her to things to do there.

She does sound controlling and lonely.

And maybe, fearful of stepping out into new things, so relying, on all of you to fight the lonely feeling, and does not realize, that there is a whole world of things to do, and friends to be made.

Seems she needs to be a care taker. Maybe help her find places to volunteer. Meals on wheels, pet shelters, after school programs, lots of schools need volunteer grandma's. Day cares always need and love volunteers.

Help her, find a place where she feels needed! That's what she wants, she just does not know how to do it beyond the family.

[Freya0991]

I read your old post. While I can't relate exactly - I still live at home and am fortunate to have a wonderful relationship with my Mother. I do, however, have several family members who sound as if they share a mind with your Mom. I have had to go so far as disowning my paternal aunts and uncles because they will sap me dry emotionally. In fact it was just yesterday that my aunt sent my Mother a nasty text calling her terrible names and what not. That's a different story, though...

You, by yourself or with your siblings, will have to lay down the law with your Mom. It is going to be painful and likely the worst thing that you may think you will ever do. Unfortunately when someone learns that they can become parasites, for lack of a better word, they will continue to do so.

I do hope that you can regain a healthy relationship with your Mom, but you can't do so at the expense of yourself. I hope this didn't come off to harsh; that wasn't my intention. I just know from my personal experience that unimaginable situations can result from unhealthy relationships.

[HellyBright]

I hope, you will find the mutually beneficial life with your mother in your house. And enjoy it further.

[catsilva]

Mother is a person that we need forever. it doesn't matter the age. How I would like to have my mother with me. I miss her so much. But unfortunately she left for the other dimension.