[Chaitna]

So, here is a brief on me..
I was a big gal (size 12ish) from the beginning. now after 12 years of marriage, two kids and additional 65 lbs.. I am here at 2X in size. it is very hard for me to deal with my body but what's harder is the lack of support and other issues from my husband.
so - we have literally stopped having sex, if lucky we do it once in 2 months. he says, my body is an issue. we had a huge fight the other night ... again.. over this topic. now I am sick of this. I don't feel like hugging him or touching him or even sleeping next to him. I look for excuses for sleeping in my kids room (its cooler, my son wants to trade beds, I have to work late.. any excuse I can come up with) . I feel he is out of love with me. he does everything else a husband/life partner should do but any physical contact is out of the picture. so now, I find satisfaction in food. not good ... but I do. I still love him, cuz every time I think of him not liking my appearance and its importance to him, I cry. but the fact he thinks I am ugly make me feel ugly and not wanting him to touch me.

I don't know what to do... keep this marriage ... maybe he wants to walk out on me but doesnot cuz he wants me to be the bad guy and walk out ...maybe he is OK with not having sex.

I feel, .... lost, confused, alone, un-loved, unattractive and my confidence is dropping lower and lower.

I don't want my kids living a broken family nor see fighting parents all the time.

[1Bluerose68]

Have you considered therapy for 1st yourself to re-build your core self esteem? And if you feel its worth it then later couples therapy too? Do you have any lady friends you could call and talk with when things get emotional, besides the eating to make you feel better? Or a gym you could go work out at to work on your self on the outside as therepy helps you on the inside?

[hannahbeanies]

I am sorry you are going through this.

I can imagine and understand your pain, at least to a degree. I will never know what it is truly like to be in your particular situation, but I can empathize.

I think the suggestion of personal and couples therapy is a good idea. This sounds like something that would require a mediator. Of course, we can offer you support here, but nothing replaces a good counselor. I think once you work on other ways to deal with emotional difficulties, the emotional eating will calm down. Also, exercise helps a great deal with anxiety and depression. I am not talking gym worthy exercise. Just a walk around the neighborhood, maybe with some music. That might be some good quality time with yourself.

Once again, I am deeply sorry for your pain.

[Kitkat1990]

Hi Chaitna,

I'm really sorry to hear how you're feeling .

I think something I'm beginning to realise is that taking time for yourself, getting healthy and losing weight, has to come from a place of love and love for yourself. This is very difficult to find when you feel unloved from someone close to you.

Whenever my partner (I know this is not on the same scale) used to encourage me to lose weight, although he meant well, it made me feel like I wasn't good enough already. That really demotivated me - and I overate and didn't do any exercise, and felt depressed. I can only really focus on my health when I'm doing it for myself truly and not because of what other people want.

If you can find reasons for yourself to get healthy, then focus on those. I even had a friend who began her healthy lifestyle without telling her partner because she didn't want his input - she lost about 30lbs before he even noticed (!) and said that it really helped not to hear his constant opinion on her body, but just focus on doing it for herself.

I think counselling would be a good start and if money is tight you can ask your doctor for a referral (I know you can in the UK, but I guess it depends which country). Feel free to private message me if you ever feel like you want help.

Kitkat

[MauiKai]

The first thing I want to say is just really, really important: His behavior is HIS problem. YOU do not cause his behavior. He chooses it. Do not internalize that and feel blame for him treating you poorly.

That said I agree with most of the above. Therapy, getting out for some alone time to take a walk with some good music or a book on tape etc would all be good for you. You need time for you too.

Are you open with your husband? Do you calmly tell him (without raising your voice or crying) that his behavior is hurtful and actually making the problem worse? Do you tell him that you don't even want to sleep by him because of how much he's hurt you? And I mean actually say those words to his face? Because men, God bless them, can be thick as stumps when it comes to feelings. (Some women can too, to be fair.)

[kurisitaru]

I'm sorry, but your husband sounds like a shallow jerk if all that is true. Have you told him that that hurts? That you are truly upset with his actions towards you? If he loved you and cared more about you then your weight, he'd stop doing it. It's abuse if he does things to intentionally hurt you, mental or physical. If he has no idea that his actions are causing that much of an impact, than you need to tell him. If he doesn't care or continues, he's being verbally abusive, which causes negative effects. It is not your fault that he is acting that way, it is solely his. You do NOT deserve to be treated in any manner less than respectable. If he can toss you aside from weight gain, what does he plan on doing when you get older? More mature? We aren't going to stay a certain way forever, and if our husbands treat us like we have an expiration date or weight for sex...then they are the ones with the problems.

Couples therapy might help, therapy for yourself, and definitely redirecting your emotions to walks or something else other than food.

[ReNew Me]

Poor dear girl.

You are married to a human rectum, short and sweet.

See, many moons ago when I was at my "perfect" weight and in terrific shape and in my 20s and very hot (seriously, not bragging, just a fact) my then-husband used my weight, my personal bug-boo, to manipulate me and screw with my head. I was wearing a size 8, doing 500+ situps every night, not eating for days at a time, abusing appetite suppressants and stimulants, all because I was trying to get myself down to the weight HE decreed was attractive ENOUGH. Because he could pick out ONE tiny little physical imperfection and I'd be destroyed for that day. And when I'd try to get intimate he'd find ANY reason on the planet to shut me down and shut me out to make me feel undesirable.

It took a lot of thought and a lot of learning to love ME to realize there wasn't a darned thing wrong with my appearance, heck, guys hit on me ALL the time! In hindsight none of it had anything to do with my weight, not a bit! I was a beautiful woman, he was mentally damaged and manipulating his wife emotionally gave him power and kept him in control.

Eventually I realized how hopeless and ugly the situation was and left him. There was no way to fix his problem because HE didn't HAVE a problem, not in his mind (and face it, people get therapy to help themselves, if they don't believe they need help therapy won't do squat). There was no compromise, compassion or empathy on his behalf. I realized he didn't respect me and, more importantly, he constantly demeaned not just me, but our child as well as other people to make himself feel better.

Human beings are not "fixer uppers". One person cannot change another to suit their needs or desires and truthfully, if you love and respect someone a couple or 50 pounds here or there isn't going to make a difference in how you feel about them. Gravity catches us all eventually. Our bodies and faces change over the years no matter how well we live.

Look, all I'm saying is if he wasn't harping on your weight it would be probably something else.

I once got all weepy about the weight I've gained since marrying my current husband (hubby #2) I felt so ashamed, particularly considering how proud (vain) I was in my younger days. You know what he said? He said "you're cuddlier now, you're nice to touch, all soft and curvy. You used to be hard and edgy."

Love is not defined by the numbers on a scale.

Lose weight to please yourself, for your health, to feel better physically or because you want to buy fashionable clothes but don't even think about trying to do it because someone else has shamed you into doing it, it just won't work, it will be a struggle and in the end, they'll just find something else about you that they don't like.

Oh, in case anyone thinks I'm being snarky about hubby #1, no, this dude is a mess. Wife #2 left him after about ten years because he refused to get therapy and his only child, our son, almost 30, told him that as far as he was concerned the man was nothing but a sperm donor and to never attempt contact in the future. You have to be some special kind of POS for your kid to tell you to fall off the face of the planet.

[kurisitaru]

Originally Posted by ReNew Me

Poor dear girl.

You are married to a human rectum, short and sweet.

See, many moons ago when I was at my "perfect" weight and in terrific shape and in my 20s and very hot (seriously, not bragging, just a fact) my then-husband used my weight, my personal bug-boo, to manipulate me and screw with my head. I was wearing a size 8, doing 500+ situps every night, not eating for days at a time, abusing appetite suppressants and stimulants, all because I was trying to get myself down to the weight HE decreed was attractive ENOUGH. Because he could pick out ONE tiny little physical imperfection and I'd be destroyed for that day. And when I'd try to get intimate he'd find ANY reason on the planet to shut me down and shut me out to make me feel undesirable.

It took a lot of thought and a lot of learning to love ME to realize there wasn't a darned thing wrong with my appearance, heck, guys hit on me ALL the time! In hindsight none of it had anything to do with my weight, not a bit! I was a beautiful woman, he was mentally damaged and manipulating his wife emotionally gave him power and kept him in control.

Eventually I realized how hopeless and ugly the situation was and left him. There was no way to fix his problem because HE didn't HAVE a problem, not in his mind (and face it, people get therapy to help themselves, if they don't believe they need help therapy won't do squat). There was no compromise, compassion or empathy on his behalf. I realized he didn't respect me and, more importantly, he constantly demeaned not just me, but our child as well as other people to make himself feel better.

Human beings are not "fixer uppers". One person cannot change another to suit their needs or desires and truthfully, if you love and respect someone a couple or 50 pounds here or there isn't going to make a difference in how you feel about them. Gravity catches us all eventually. Our bodies and faces change over the years no matter how well we live.

Look, all I'm saying is if he wasn't harping on your weight it would be probably something else.

I once got all weepy about the weight I've gained since marrying my current husband (hubby #2) I felt so ashamed, particularly considering how proud (vain) I was in my younger days. You know what he said? He said "you're cuddlier now, you're nice to touch, all soft and curvy. You used to be hard and edgy."

Love is not defined by the numbers on a scale.

Lose weight to please yourself, for your health, to feel better physically or because you want to buy fashionable clothes but don't even think about trying to do it because someone else has shamed you into doing it, it just won't work, it will be a struggle and in the end, they'll just find something else about you that they don't like.

Oh, in case anyone thinks I'm being snarky about hubby #1, no, this dude is a mess. Wife #2 left him after about ten years because he refused to get therapy and his only child, our son, almost 30, told him that as far as he was concerned the man was nothing but a sperm donor and to never attempt contact in the future. You have to be some special kind of POS for your kid to tell you to fall off the face of the planet.

Right on the money.

I know we can all get a little near sighted when it comes to the ones we love, or tell ourselves we love, but like I said... your husband sounds like a jerk. If he treats you that way to the point where you don't even want to touch him... there's a problem. It sucks... but I stand by thinking it is a form of abuse, and no one should have to put up with abuse. You deserve more.

[IanG]

Couples therapy, like others have said. That's what you need. And now.

I lost the weight and my wife left me.

I doubt if weight is the issue, no matter what he's saying. It certainly wasn't for us.

Love don't care about weight.

Sh!t, we made more love when I was 281lbs than when we did(n't) when I was 180.

[Chaitna]

Thank you so much everyone. I am going to try out couples therapy. Have been crying all day today. Cant take it no more.

IanG .. Thank you

[Lauranya]

I totally hear what you are saying. My husband too doesn't like the way I look since I gained so much weight. He says he loves me and he is concerned about my health but withholding sex isn't going to help. I deal with this all the time and I cry too. I feel so bad for you

[tinneranne2]

i think that being physically attracted to someone can certainly depend on physical appearance. There is nothing inherently wrong with honestly expressing feelings...even uncomfortable, unpleasant feelings so long as they are expressed in a respectful way, from a place of love. It doesn't sound like the manner in which you two are communicating is all that constructive.

I'd want to know if my partner wasn't physically attracted to me anymore (or was finding themselves less attracted to me than before) because of a change in my weight, and I would want to be able to tell my partner if my feelings were being affected by their weight change (up or down). Seeing it as a problem yo be worked through together...deciding how to best resolve it so everyone can be happy. Please don't misunderstand, it would be incredibly hard for me to hear and devastate me for a while, but ignorance of problems in a relationship rarely ends well.

In my opinion, there are very few things that cannot be worked through so long as the foundation of the relationship is mutual care and commitment to solving problems together.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling down. It sounds like you are open to the idea of getting professional advice, which should improve your relationship with regard to so much more than weight. You deserve a supportive relationship, and you both deserve partners who do not withhold affection.

[Chaitna]

Tinneranne2
yes appearance is attraction when you are 13 ... when an adult behaves like that...it hurts. we look beyond that... there is chemistry which overlooks how u look/appear. when that chemistry vanishes off for a immature reason ... it hurts.

so when a couple is 60 ...with sagging boobs and even viagra not working... what will happen then ... how does one work on that to make each other happy?

my whole dilemma is ... I don't understand how does his love stop at my body and my love overlooks the balding head and beer belly... love is unconditional ??? right??

[magical]

Love is unconditional ???

Best joke ever... unless of course, we're God (for those who believe).

I think Ian is right. The problem is more than just "body issues". I really would suggest marriage counselling. It allows you both to talk about your feelings and your problems in front of a neutral third party. It can do wonders to resolve issues.

[ReNew Me]

Chaitna, younger people and particularly younger ones who have never been in really long term committed relationships complete with kids and mortgages and all the other bells and whistles apply a lot of their dating experiences to what they think will happen in a marriage. Dating is a piece of cake compared to marriage. It's all the fun with none of the hassle and the best part is if someone doesn't feel like making a compromise you dump them, delete their phone number spend a weekend eating ice cream and drinking wine and then start looking around again, problem solved.

Look, I'm old and I've been a married person longer than a single one at this point in my life. One marriage was a train wreck and the other the joy of my life and I'm telling you, you need to have a dead serious sit down with your husband. No crying, no screaming, no accusations but you need to get seriously real with this man. And a little piece of advice, when you do this turn off the phones, stay away from the t.v. and have someone keep the kids overnight. You need to be prepared to hit him with an ultimatum and hold to your guns. Couples counseling or he needs to move out, immediately, because the situation is dysfunctional and emotionally devastating to you.

Trust me, the fighting and general tension in the house is breaking your kids hearts 1000x worse than a divorce will and you can't spend all of your time crying, you're not doing anyone any good, least of all yourself. That sorrow starts to permeate the walls of the home and if you think the kids can't tell the two of you aren't comfortable around each other you're not giving your kids enough credit.

As for your question about why you love him unconditionally and he doesn't feel the same, that's a question only a therapist can answer but I think if you really allow yourself to be open to the answer you already know why.