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Old 04-24-2014, 04:17 AM   #24
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kaplods's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Wausau, WI
Posts: 13,383

S/C/G: SW:394/310/180

Height: 5'6"


You're free to share or not share any information you choose, I'm just saying how easy it can be for false assumptions to be made (on both sides) and it doesn't necessarily point to shallowness.

If I'm understanding you correctly, you've dated one guy who had a inflexible fat fetish and was a jerk? So all guys who like heavier women are A-holes because this guy was?

Even if you had told this guy, early on that you were heavier than in your photos, maybe he would have responded differently, maybe not. Maybe he's the biggest jerk on the planet.

My only point is that it doesn't matter in the least why this guy isn't interested, and it doesn't matter how he ended it. Don't waste your time worrying about what a random, anonymous stranger (and until you meet in person, he's a stranger) thinks.

If you want to avoid as much rejection as possible, make your ads/profiles extremely specific both about who you are physically, intellectually, morally...... and who you're looking for. The more specific you are, the fewer incompatible responses you will get and the fewer unpleasant surprises.

I'm just telling you what I learned and did by the time I met my husband at 35.

I've been where you are, exactly. Everything you've written, is virtually exactly what I would have thought, done, and said in my twenties (only when I was in my twenties it was magazine and newspaper personal ads rather than online).

By the time I was 35, I was getting sick of having to waste so much time getting to know guys that weren't what I wanted. When I read in a dating book how to write specific and bluntly honest ads, I figured I had nothing to lose. It was awkward at first, but liberating as well to get the rejection and rejecting done to move on to the next potential partner as quickly as possible (a lot of which could be done by writing the specific, blunt profile or ad).

I dated more in my last 5 years of dating (ages 30-35) than in all my prior years combined (from 13-30), and had a lot more fun doing so, all because I stopped taking rejection personally or seeing it as a terrible thing or a mystery I had to solve.

I found that blunt honesty was a time saver and allowed my to bypass a lot of the jerks and most of the "nice, but not for me" types.

If you don't want a guy who is hung up on weight - then SAY that in your profile, whether or not you include a photo or disclose your exact weight or size. If you're self conscious, or modest, put that out there.

The more you put up upfront, the fewer replies you'll get, but the more compatible the replies will be.

Unfortunately weight and physical appearance is a very big part of physical attraction. Some of it's biochemistry, and very few of us want to admit we rejected a prospective partner only because there was no instant attraction - and even fewer of us want to admit that to the prospective partner.

Making it even more complicated, most people believe that it is difficult or impossible to develop attraction, so if there is no instant spark, they assume none will ever be (I was 30 or close to it before I fully realized that I could become attracted to someone who initially repulsed me a little).

If I had learned some of this stuff earlier, dating would have been much easier (but then I would have never met my husband. I NEVER would have had an opportunity to meet him in our 20's, though neither of us would have been interested in the other even if we had met.

You can get exactly what you ask for in a partner, but you have to ask and you have to reject the ones that aren't it - and if they reject you first, it's still good news because it closes a door on a Mr. Wrong, opening the door for Mr. Right that much sooner.
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Last edited by kaplods; 04-24-2014 at 12:24 PM.
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