Originally Posted by kaplods
It's possible that this guy felt that you were intentionally trying to hide your weight, which sent off a "this girl isn't being honest with me, what else is she hiding?" vibe.
I'm not saying you were being dishonest and deceptive intentionally, though some of what you've said does indicate that you were intentionally trying to be vague about your weight, for reasons that could be considered shallow by some.
In a sense you were "shallow" first by presenting only your smaller self or "pretty face" on your facebook page and photos.
Who wouldn't be disappointed or disturbed by someone who seemingly went out of their way to obscure the truth?
At the very least, you sent this guy a clear and strong message that you were assuming he and most guys were shallow, because otherwise you wouldn't have felt the need to hide your size at all. It could also have seemed by this that you think the guys who would find you attractive exactly as you are, weren't good enough for you.
If a buff, fit guy could overcome a preference for fit, thin blondes then why couldn't a buff (or not-so buff) guy with a preference for women your exact shape be "deep enough" to accept you at a smaller size, especially if you're honest about wanting to be a smaller size.
To some degree, it does sound a bit like you didn't want to attract the guys you assumed would find your current body attractive, and that assumption, itself, is pretty shallow.
I've met and dated a lot of guys with all sorts of different preference, and I've found that of the guys who prefer dating larger women, most do so for the same or even less shallow reasons than men who prefer thin and average size women. Their preferences also tend to cover a much wider range of traits than just weight. Some are attracted to women of all sizes, some perceive larger women as nicer or less shallow, or believe them to have more interesting personalities than women who are stereotypically considered attractive.
There's a fine line between putting your best face forward, and projecting a fictional version of yourself. And I do think that being vague about your appearance does amount to presenting a fictional version of yourself, no less so than hiding or embellishing upon the truth in any other way. And when you're not completely honest with someone, it's more than a bit hypocritical to accuse that person of being shallow for doing the same.
I understand everything that you said. However, in my case I wasn't really (at least not actively) hiding anything from anyone. Not posting full body pictures on Facebook - in general, that's more about modesty than an attempt to hide my size. As I gained weight, certain parts of me grew more than the rest, and those were the very parts I was always self-conscious about. Even back in the junior high, I was always the girl who wore baggy clothes and duct taped myself so that I wouldn't draw too much attention from boys.
The teenage pics that I posted on Facebook were all posted back in July 2008 - I don't make a habit of regularly posting teenage pics of myself. And these weren't so much an attempt to make people think I still looked like that, but just to have a few pictures up, because I had no current pictures that I actually liked. My little brother was in some those pictures too, and everyone who knew me would know that I did not have a 5 year old brother at age 23 in 2008. I understand that you were more turned off by guys' deception than the things they were lying about, but I never lied about my weight. I simply didn't include current full pictures - mostly because I don't really take pictures anyway and some of my guy friends have made comments about my figure that made me really uncomfortable. I'm really conservative and don't want guys looking at me in that way - which is actually a big part of why I was even leery of sending this guy this picture. So any pictures that I'm tagged in are now set so that only I can see them, and my profile pictures are all of just my head and shoulders. The teenage pics I didn't even know were still visible to anyone until I actually viewed my profile from a friend's computer.
And even if it came across to him that I was being deceptive, it had nothing to do with him specifically, but EVERYONE who can see my Facebook page. I get that people will interpret and misinterpret things in their own ways though, and maybe he interpreted something in a way that isn't true. After all, he doesn't know me well enough to know everything I just said, and he's been free to make his own assumptions. But overall, I was honest with him - when he asked early on why I hardly have any pics on Facebook, I was honest and said that I don't think I photograph well, so I avoid cameras. I never tried to present myself as a perfect supermodel.
And honestly, I haven't had good experiences with dating guys who prefer bigger women. The one guy I dated, back in college, preferred bigger girls, and he was a jerk. He even told me that he would no longer like me if I lost weight, which I took to mean that he didn't even see me as a person but as an object for his fetish. And he called me "fat" all the time, even though he knew I hated it - he knew I was working out daily and wanted to lose weight for my own health and happiness, and he continued to undermine my efforts and insult me. He really cared more about his fetish than my health and well being, and I didn't like that.
In my opinion, being vague about my appearance is just that, being vague. It's not trying to convey false information, it's rather simply not presenting the information at all. Why is it my Facebook friends' business what my body looks like anyway?