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Old 04-24-2014, 12:50 AM   #22
kaplods
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Wausau, WI
Posts: 13,304

S/C/G: SW:394/310/180

Height: 5'6"

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Your last two posts really said everything I was trying to make you see - you'll never know exactly what's going on in someone's head even if they try to tell you, and none of it has to cause you a moment of concern, let alone insecurity.


Some of what I'm going to say is going to seem a bit harsh, so if you're sensitive to, or stressed by rather blunt criticism, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER.

My goal is to save you pain, not cause it. So if any of it becomes uncomfortable, stop reading.


Dating (let alone internet dating, which is worse) is brutal, and you have to be strong and courageous. It's risky, scary, and at times uncomfortable, because it's your "job" to judge and be judged, because that's the only way to find someone you can tolerate.

Even the most caring, sensitive, "deep" people have a few "shallow " prejudices, turn-offs, must-haves and deal-breakers.

Sometimes we don't even know what are prejudices actually are, we just get a turned-off vibe and lose interest for a reason we can't even identify.

It's possible that this guy felt that you were intentionally trying to hide your weight, which sent off a "this girl isn't being honest with me, what else is she hiding?" vibe.

I know for me, that kind of vibe was a HUGE deal breaker for me - like the guy who told me he was 30 and 5'11" when he was 50 and 5'1". The age and height wouldn't have bothered me at all, and when he did send his real photo and admitted the truth, I actually thought he was fairly good looking, but what I couldn't get past was the deception and insecurity the deception revealed - and it made me wonder what else he was hiding or lying about. I lost interest fast, because of his dishonesty, and didn't feel I owed him anything, including a goodbye. I'm sure he assumed I was shallow and was disappointed with his age and height, when I was actually turned off by his dishonesty.

It's possible your "buff guy" wasn't turned off by your pic, but by the fact you led him to believe you were something other than you were.

I'm not saying you were being dishonest and deceptive intentionally, though some of what you've said does indicate that you were intentionally trying to be vague about your weight, for reasons that could be considered shallow by some.

In a sense you were "shallow" first by presenting only your smaller self or "pretty face" on your facebook page and photos.

Who wouldn't be disappointed or disturbed by someone who seemingly went out of their way to obscure the truth?

At the very least, you sent this guy a clear and strong message that you were assuming he and most guys were shallow, because otherwise you wouldn't have felt the need to hide your size at all. It could also have seemed by this that you think the guys who would find you attractive exactly as you are, weren't good enough for you.

If a buff, fit guy could overcome a preference for fit, thin blondes then why couldn't a buff (or not-so buff) guy with a preference for women your exact shape be "deep enough" to accept you at a smaller size, especially if you're honest about wanting to be a smaller size.

To some degree, it does sound a bit like you didn't want to attract the guys you assumed would find your current body attractive, and that assumption, itself, is pretty shallow.

I've met and dated a lot of guys with all sorts of different preference, and I've found that of the guys who prefer dating larger women, most do so for the same or even less shallow reasons than men who prefer thin and average size women. Their preferences also tend to cover a much wider range of traits than just weight. Some are attracted to women of all sizes, some perceive larger women as nicer or less shallow, or believe them to have more interesting personalities than women who are stereotypically considered attractive.

Strangely (or not so strangely if you can give up shallow assumptions) guys who are attracted to curvier women are pretty much the same as guys attracted to thinner women. They come in all ages, sizes, and levels of wealth and attractiveness. Online and at BBW/size-positive events, t hey actually tend to be more educated and have more class and money (if only because poor, undereducated guys are more insecure about voicing a non-mainstram preference).

I'm sure you didn't mean to send that message, but that's easily what could have come across. I know that's what came across when Mr. 5'1" and 50 and other guys were deceptive to me about there appearance, and not just those with 20 year and 10" lies.

One guy lied about being a minor celebrity. One guy exagerated about being a commercial pilot, implying airlines when he was actually a crop-duster (which I would have been just as impressed with, because salary was low on my priorities).

One guy sent a photo that was only a couple years old, but he neglected to mention that he had gained weight and gone bald in those few years.

I actually have a bit of a "thing" for bald and balding guys and even with the weight gain he wasn't fat (actually just about perfect by my standards) so I though he was better looking in real life, but his good looks didn't make up for the fact that he felt the need to hide his baldness. Both the deception and his insecurity were major turn-offs.


Men and women tend to find confidence sexy, and tend to be turned off by deception (even small deceptions) and insecurity.

I have very fond memories of all the honest, confident guys I met in-person and through personal ads (mine and theirs) and really miserable memories of dating deception and insecurity (again, on both sides).

When I placed the ad through which I met hubby, I was BRUTALLY honest about my weight, weight history, and dieting/fitness/activity level and everything else that was important to me, because I had learned the hard way that glossing over insecurities always bit me in the butt. No good came out of my not mentioning my weight or dieting/fitness goals, so I included it all (and what's in parenthesis is the message I was hoping to send with my words).

I'm fat. believe the exact words were "fat, funny, and fabulous."

When I say I'm fat, I'm this fat - and gave my actual stats (no surprises)

I'm dieting and working at getting fitter (hey chubby chasers, BBW admirerer's, and feeders - if you want me to stay this fat, you may be disappointed. Hey committed couch potatoes, you probably don't want me either).

Liberal attitudes, conservative morals, looking for the same for a slowly developing, eventually long-term, monogamous relationship (if you're looking for a one-night stand, an extramarital affair or a friend with benefits, move along).


It sounds ridiculous to be that specific in a profile or personal ad, but it weeds out a whole lot of wrong and shallow before you even get any responses. And all the rejection you don't get to see, can't ding your confidence or self-esteem.

Some of what I put in my ad, I learned the hard - when guys disappeared (or worse) when they learned my actual size (worse, being them telling me I was too fat and then disappeared). some I put in because of what I learned getting my BA and MA in psychology and learned about studying formally and informally about how men and women date and think - and a whole lot of stuff I learned from dating books and other women.
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I'm not saying my way is the only way, but it does save time and misery by weeding out a whole lot of "not right for you, anyway" responses.


Almost all of the dating manuals will out-and-out tell you that the biggest "rookie mistake" of online and print personal ads is casting too wide a net, rather than fishing for the exact partner you want. Misleading descriptions and photos that obscure age and physical appearance, exagerating attributes and accomplishments, listing generic and cliche interests ("candlelight dinners and walks on the beach" particularly if the nearest beach is hundreds of miles away)...

Even minor exagerations, deceptions, cover- ups or waited-too-long-to-mention facts tend to be extreme turn-offs for people regardless of their degree of shallowness or depth.


There's a fine line between putting your best face forward, and projecting a fictional version of yourself. And I do think that being vague about your appearance does amount to presenting a fictional version of yourself, no less so than hiding or embellishing upon the truth in any other way. And when you're not completely honest with someone, it's more than a bit hypocritical to accuse that person of being shallow for doing the same.
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Last edited by kaplods : 04-24-2014 at 01:15 AM.
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