I think I'm dealing with a one-upper. I'm not sure so I don't want to say anything. A family member of mine got into running because I run. She started about a month ago. So we have been sharing our daily runs with each other via a private facebook group. It seemed like a great way to motivate, congratulate and encourage each other. Only I started noticing that whatever my time or distance, she would one up me. If she were healthier than me I'd just assume her fitness level were naturally better, but she is considerably heavier than me, and doesn't exercise until now, and only does just enough to beat me.
She will literally run 0.1 miles longer and/or 0.1 point faster on the treadmill than me. I do my runs in the AM, so it was like she waited for me to share, to beat it and she doesn't run until later in the day. I made a jump in distance today, and she did the same and did it 0.1 miles longer!
Last week I ran at a speed, and she said she runs easily at that speed plus 0.1...and one day we had a nearly identical run, and she added she did it at an incline (she knows I don't incline the treadmill)
Ok so the obvious answer is don't post my runs until later in the day. I was doing that for a few days then today I was thinking I was being silly and posted my run from this morning which was much longer that what I had been doing and so longer than what she was doing. I swear I could suddenly run 10 miles tomorrow and she would run 10.1, DESPITE the fact that she's run 2 milers all week.
Its kind of wow though, because she went from being sedentary to running what has taken me a few months to get to. I have invited her our to run together and so far she declines. I don't think she is lying about the treadmill because what would she gain from that? I'm going to try to ignore it, and just go about my business, though I have to admit it kind of takes the fun out of sharing this interest with her.
I have to clarify, this is not competition, where we are competing, or we've set up goals for us to strive for. No. This is me posting the stats to a run, and her then beating that, whatever that entails. Its no fun for me, because I'm not running with a competition or goal to beat in mind. I just run and she sets that as her bar to beat. She did say one time that I did a fast run, that I've set the bar high. I don't think she realizes that what she's doing isn't competition, its one upping.
I guess I'm just venting here, because I want to talk about it and I don't want to say anything to her. Its good to see her having a healthy interest and I'm not going to go rain on that. I'm going to go back to posting my runs late in the day. Too bad it has to go down like that.
I should add that she told me that she visited her best friend last night and was happy to see she got fat...this is her "best" friend she's talking about...So I wonder if she takes pleasure is "beating" me more than a healthy competition...
i think you are taking the right approach, to leave her be and simply post your stats later in the day....me, on the other hand, would be soooooo tempted to post something extreme like "i ran 6 miles today instead of 1 and really pushed myself" and then sit back and wait for her to post something obviously similar like "i ran 6.1 miles today, what a coincidence" LOL
It doesn't seem toxic to me at all. Not necessary AWESOME, but is it really harmful? You both are trying to get healthier. If she is using your times/distance as extra motivation, why not? Would it make you feel better if you had days where you outrun her, because I'm not sure what the big deal is. It seems like you have an awful lot of "toxic" people in your life. Maybe you are a wee bit sensitive to these things? Just something to think about.
You say it's not a competition, but obviously, it is exactly that for your family member. Now you know what she's like. I see it come down to two choices for you: accept it, as she won't likely change or if it bothers you, stop posting. Congratulations on your running. Keep up the good work!
It doesn't seem toxic to me at all. Not necessary AWESOME, but is it really harmful? You both are trying to get healthier. If she is using your times/distance as extra motivation, why not? Would it make you feel better if you had days where you outrun her, because I'm not sure what the big deal is. It seems like you have an awful lot of "toxic" people in your life. Maybe you are a wee bit sensitive to these things? Just something to think about.
Or you know, I come here to vent, so I don't post about all the normal positive people. Besides, I didn't use the word toxic. The odd part is I don't recognize your screen name. I see you're not new...but you've made no impression on me that I remember you. But seems you remember me...I didn't think I was that important, but thanks!
Well, I wouldn't want to give people the wrong impression by agreeing, but yes, she has some issues. Because she's family, I ignore it. Meaning I wouldn't point it out to her. Besides its easily solved.
You say it's not a competition, but obviously, it is exactly that for your family member. Now you know what she's like. I see it come down to two choices for you: accept it, as she won't likely change or if it bothers you, stop posting. Congratulations on your running. Keep up the good work!
Thank you. Yeah, I figure days its more under my skin, I'll just post later in the day. Days I don't give a hoot, I'll just post in the AM and whatever happens happens. I just don't get that kind of mentality, but there's a lot of things people do that I don't get.
I'd like to think I'd be better then this, but in reality I'd probably do something like post "I ran 3.4 miles" and then when she posted that she ran 3.5 I'd be like "Oh dang! I hit the wrong key - I actually ran 3.7!!!" and see what she does...
Or, just to mess with her, leave out your period. I ran 35 miles today instead of 3.5. lol When she puts 35.1 you could be like "Wow, that is crazy, you should take it a little easier." :P
There are just people who are like that. I've never had one in my life but I can imagine it would make you freaking nuts.
Well, I wouldn't want to give people the wrong impression by agreeing, but yes, she has some issues. Because she's family, I ignore it. Meaning I wouldn't point it out to her. Besides its easily solved.
I cannot tolerate people who exhibit this sort of behavior. They can never be happy for you, or support you, if all they are going to do is try to "beat you" at whatever it is. "Friends" (or family) are supposed to support/care about/want the best for you, not just one up you.
i think you are taking the right approach, to leave her be and simply post your stats later in the day....me, on the other hand, would be soooooo tempted to post something extreme like "i ran 6 miles today instead of 1 and really pushed myself" and then sit back and wait for her to post something obviously similar like "i ran 6.1 miles today, what a coincidence" LOL
I was thinking just the same! Hahahaha!
Ignore her. People who don't uplift you just pull you down, and when we're trying to have a healthier lifestyle we don't need people pulling us down.
Thank you all for your replies. Depending on my mood, it can be very annoying or not so much. I'm generally a competitive person, so I do like the idea of use competing in a friendly way. But one upping is annoying as it is not a competition for me, but rather being shown up daily. I think it doesn't help that I know that she gets pleasure from her "best" friend doing poorly.
Its a looooong story but her and I were close growing up and I distanced myself a few years back because of these toxic behaviors, but I really thought she had changed. She's been through a lot the past few years and it seemed that she was going into a better place mentally. I believe people can change. But as we have started spending time together again, I am starting to see that she is still the same person BUT she is family so no fall-outs here, I'll probably just distance myself again slowly.
I'm going to run now, and not post it until tonight lol
Or you know, I come here to vent, so I don't post about all the normal positive people. Besides, I didn't use the word toxic. The odd part is I don't recognize your screen name. I see you're not new...but you've made no impression on me that I remember you. But seems you remember me...I didn't think I was that important, but thanks!
You just one-upped ChickieChicks. And you react so vehemently to the slightest criticism.
Anyone who posts private information in a public format sends an open invitation for other opinions. It's an odd practice if you can't handle criticism. Growing a thicker skin and letting things roll of your back would serve you much better than this. Why can't you take it as a compliment that she's trying to be like you? But if you really want to be mean post maniacally low numbers and then she won't have much to strive for.
When someone is a one-upper...
