*I know I've posted this in the introductions but now I think it might have been better suited here? Anyway, won't happen again.*
My names Rose and I've hit rock bottom today. It all started when I was so flustered I lost my phone in my car that I pulled over to searched it. When I got out and bent over my boobs spilled out of my demi bra that I've been in denial of needing to upsize and I just lost it. I stayed in my car and cried some. I then picked myself back up and headed to Walmart and bit the bullet buying a larger bra and larger underwear. I hate to buy a size up. I guess I'd rather live in denial. I've been squeezing into my size 12 jeans and 36D bra for so long I have lines everywhere and back pain. I'm now a size 14 jeans (though still refusing to buy those, I think I stretched the waist out anyway) and size 38 D or 36 DD.
My size has fluctuated often since high school but never this size. I'm 5'5 and 186lbs. I weighed 36lbs less two years ago. Right around the time I met my dear sweet boyfriend. The one who likes to eat out and often! I've grown tired, lazy, irritated and antisocial because of my weight. I'm self conscious and don't want to go out because of it. I can't even fit my work out clothing! I feel like everyone is so much smaller than me and all my clothing is smaller so I don't even have something wear if I were to go out.
I don't want to have sex with my live in boyfriend or have him see me naked and my daughter from a previous marriage who is 5 has noticed mommy getting a little "fluffy" too. I don't play with her like I used to either because the depression from the weight is so all encompassing that its an achievement to get her home, fed, bathed and homework done. Then I watch tv or fall a sleep myself.
I don't like the way I look, feel or act anymore. It doesn't feel like me. I really need a change but I feel SOOOO frustrated trying to lose the weight. I've tried diet after diet and I am terrible at sticking to exercise which I hate and feel self-conscious doing.
All my skinny friends are "running marathons,hiking,biking etc". I'm still a single mom and I can't find the time to blow my nose sometimes let alone that. I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to. Which is why I'm coming here and hoping to find some sort of support system and tips to create the change I so desperately need.
Any words of comfort, support or advice is most welcome.