[pricklypickly]

Guys, please just let me vent and be completely honest.

I am 5'1" and I weigh 213 pounds. I got on the scale this morning and I literally cried. The thing is, I used to be athletic. Physical fitness was my number one point of pride. I beat the sit up and push up record for girls in my middle and high school. I swam and fenced in college. I was happy, healthy, curvy and STRONG. I would walk down the street and people's heads would turn.

But then I got so depressed that I literally wanted to die. I had been living in Italy for a permanent move and had to come home early due to two rapid fire deaths in the family. Then my relationship turned increasingly abusive. We broke up a few months later, and I felt like a complete failure both because of the break up and because of having to move back home with my parents. I spent the next three years wallowing in self pity, sadness and food and ended up with almost constant suicidal thoughts. I used to be so happy and vibrant and I became a former shell of myself, preferring to not go out. My friendships suffered. Everything suffered.

Then I met a great guy. He was tall, handsome and Swedish. He was perfect... like this tall, strong Viking and I felt like, "dude, why are you even with me?!" And he thought I was beautiful! I couldn't believe it. We finally met, and he loved me very much but I still hated how I looked and I hated letting him touch me. I would lash out at him because I was insecure with myself, and so that relationship crumbled. He got married to another girl almost immediately after and that crushed me.

So for months I resolved to change my depression. I started seeing a doctor for it. I started eating healthier again. I started working out again. The sun came out. I even dropped a pants size (it took me a month). I was finally feeling better. Then when I felt completely better, I met a new guy! He also is tall and handsome and I can't believe he actually likes me. I'm supposed to move to his country (we met on a website about his country when I asked a question about a particular school) for a new lease on life. My move was scheduled for this March. Then, all of a sudden feeling fat and disgusting, I moved it back to June. Now it's the end of July. I feel like he will see me in person and be grossed out by me no matter what. And so I started to go back into old habits, and I put on 12 pounds, making me the heaviest I've ever been.

____________________

I don't want to **** this relationship up. I want to be healthy again. I want to be happy. I want to be in not ****ing plus sized clothing by the time I move. I want to be back to a size 8 or 10 by the time I go (I'm a 14-16 now). Even if he leaves, I want to be healthy. I want to do this for MYSELF, not for ANYONE else (and I am). I can't keep living like this. Tomorrow I'm starting to exercise again. I already have my fridge stocked with good foods. I feel like such a **** up--I mean, I LOVE vegetables and healthy foods so why don't I just EAT THEM? I just... I need this.

I guess I just wanted words of encouragement. I need to know that I can do this. I need to know my goals aren't goo lofty. I need to know I'm strong and I'm a bad ***. I'm trying Sorry for the wall 'o text, guys.

[amandie]

First of all, for what you've been through.

I don't know if your goal size is lofty or not and I wouldn't be able to tell you since our bodies are so different and we lose in different areas from them, stomach, legs, arms, hips, boobs, etc. I'd just make the best of it from now and until then.

Perhaps you should come and join us at this Bikini Ready Challenge, it goes on until July which I think may be perfect for you and you'd have accountability & support as well! You CAN do this!!!!

to 3FC!!!

[thirti4thirty]

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through and I think for you to have come out of that so strong indicates that you are a determined person.
My only suggestion for you is...LOVE YOURSELF FIRST.
Please see a professional therapist and finish dealing with your luggage first. Only hen your heart and soul will ACCEPT AND UNDERSTAND someone else's love for you. If you steal doubt yourself or you body pleasing someone, it MIGHT indicate that you're not completely through your depression yet.
I had a situation almost similar to yours. Until recently I didn't even understand why anyone would like me in the first place. It's something I had to deal with through thorough sessions with the therapist and an adequate treatment.
And now what I don't get is why wouldn't someone like me?!?. LOL
Weight loss doesn't solve all of these problems. Curing the heart and soul does at times and is the beginning of success in the rest: LOVE and WEIGHT.
Good luck to you!

[chablet]

Hi Prickly - I agree with the above - love yourself first. I have been in a similar situation. I have moved 5,000 miles to be with my boyfriend and I felt really self concious about my weight. I think perhaps putting off the visit/move might just add more stress because now you've put yourself on a countdown of sorts.

In my experience men can really hinder weight loss. I'm not saying get rid of your boyfriend, but while we already feel self concious being overweight, the thought of what a guy thinks just adds to it. The only way I have found to lose the weight reliably is to just concentrate on myself. One day at a time and not to worry about what a guy may think. If the guy does not like me right now (heavy) then he is superficial and not worth my time. Maybe this thought process gets easier with age. (I am 33). You also have to realise that the more stress you put on yourself the harder it is for your body to lose weight.

I have been in several emotionally abusive relationships, and have left my last one for good I hope. (Last one was not chosen, it was having to live with an NPD/PA family member) Every time stress has happened I put on weight. Every time I am out of a stressful period I drop the weight. Stress factors in a lot so try to focus on the weight loss and not so much about what this guy may think.

PM me any time if you'd like to talk.

[Pattience]

I don't think you sound quite ready for this relationship either. But if you are not ready to just walk away from it, maybe you should tell your guy your fears. and see how he responds.

In the meantime, continue with therapy. Are you seeing a man? If not why not? It will teach you how to deal with your relationship stuff better. Trust me, i've been through that. It helped me a lot. Not that i've had very much opportunities to really test it but i did notice a big difference in my relationships with men since. I'm much less confused, I know whats important and how to deal with it and i know my weaknesses and how to deal with them.

On another tack, whenever two people get together its always a bit scary. He's going to have some faults too you know, that you are going to have to get used to and accept or not. When you get with someone who've you've known online, well you've been through it already once so you know that there's a lot more to a person than can be deduced online. Tell him what you are worrying about. If he's genuinely good with it and not just pretending to be ok, then you can feel more confident about moving. If he starts backing off a bit you've saved yourself a lot more heartache and money. So be as open as you can. Tell him how you feel about your body and your fears about his rejection of you because of it.