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Old 03-22-2014, 10:13 PM   #1
pghchick
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 21

S/C/G: 222/160's/140's

Height: 5'9"

Default I don't want weight loss...I want freedom from binging

Looking to see if anyone else feels this way or has had this experience...
I lost all of the weight + some at one point. And then I gained it back VERY QUICKLY. Though there is an inner peace when you absorb yourself in this perfectionism, the flip side of the coin is ugly. When I started I weighed 197lbs and even though I was heavy, I felt good because I was not binging.

Fast forward 8 months later I stand on the scale and weigh in at 142lbs...9lbs above my lowest and I hate myself more than I was at 222lbs. I knew something was wrong with this but I couldn't come to grips with the weight gain and the BINGING that seemed to control me. I was in a panic and I thought that I looked like crap and felt like everyone could see into my defective soul. This is a body image issue and is not cured with weight loss. I hate when I hear people on infomercials say "I was fat and I hated myself but now that I am thin, I love my body." Because the moment that person gains 5lbs, they will feel like they are that much closer to being their prior "unworthy" self. I am a work in progress and trying to be at peace with myself no matter what weight.

After losing all the weight and feeling like a failure for even the slightest weight gain, I've realized that it is the binging that drives me crazy. The moment I let the binging go is the moment I feel free. I have had a weight issue not because I neglected to follow X diet with 800 rules attached but because I have a bad relationship with food and myself (the relationship with myself is a lot better but the food needs work). And the binging is what robs me of my peace.

Cliffnotes:
1. Its not the weight that makes me unhappy, it was the lack of control I've felt due to binging behavior.
2. People like you for you not your weight. Think about the people who you enjoy being around...is it their beautiful hair or good looks? H*ll no! It is their charm, loving nature, humor, etc.
3. Body image issues are not cured with weight loss. That is a self-worth problem and it will haunt you no matter what size you are.
4. If I took a pill that would melt all the fat away in one night it would not fix my problem. In fact, that would be a curse because it is disheartening to breeze past pant sizes in the upward direction. I am working on the root of the problem which is the binging.

These are just some things I've learned to be true of myself. Has anyone else had this experience?
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